The Truth About Cats and Dogs

There’s a very large difference between men and women and no, I’m not talking about the whole penis versus vagina issue. I mean, hello, is that even an issue? Everyone knows about Power To The Vaginas. Men are just jealous.

Anyway, I’m talking about the ability to turn something very small into something very large. (Ha, that sounds dirty, too. I’m bad. Please spank me.)

So, when I was little I was SURE I had leukemia. Besides the fact that I liked to take naps, was pale (Hello, I’m a white girl in the truest form) and had a few bruises, well, there wasn’t much to back my idea up. But? I was sure of it. I think I casually mentioned it in front of my stepfather a couple of times, hoping he’d realize that I suffered from a horrible disease and then I could take off from school and spend my days watching TV and eating candy bars.

Yes, I thought that’s what happened when you had cancer.

So, the other day I was watching Oprah (I know, I know!) and good ol’ Lance Armstrong was on there, discussing those nuts I love so much and I heard something about how one of his nuts became VERY VERY big before he found out he had cancer.

I know for a fact that my husband would be the same way. Back in March, we both went to the dermatologist, his appt was before mine, and we had “procedures” done. Anyway, I was discussing with the doc what he had on his leg, this weird blood clot thing that sat right under the skin.

She mentioned he had it for less than a year. I almost crapped my pants right then. Less than a year? Try four years. He went and had it “checked” in college.

See, that’s the deal. If I had some growth on my leg for four years, I’d be running around screaming for Jeebus to come out of the woodwork and heal me and my broken soul. He’s all “Hmm….think I’ve seen that before.”

So, I’ve had this “facial rash” for a month or two now. At first, it started on one side of my nose, then went to the other, then to the bridge of my nose, then my chin and now is climbing up the middle of my nose.

The Hubs insisted that it wasn’t “that bad” and that “hardly anyone could see it.” I would like to say this blatant lying is genetic; that there is a gene called the “You’re not fat” gene that all men must say to women in order to ever get nookie.

Needless to say, I didn’t believe him. While in Tulsa, I approached my sister in law and casually mentioned the fact that uh, a rash was taking over my face. Ands, being the nice girl that she is, said that yeah, it kind of looked bad after I washed my face but the makeup hid it well.

See? That’s my girl. I need to become a lesbian.

So, after googling “facial rash” and only coming across the word “Lupus,” I consulted my baby doc. “Uh, I don’t know what that is…you should see a dermatologist soon. It looks inflamed.”

“It’s lupus!” I cried. “I don’t know what lupus is but that’s what the Internet says and we all know you have to listen to the internet!!!!!!!!!!!”

She assured me that it was not, in fact, lupus.

I get into the dermatologist easily because I mention “Pregnancy” and “rash” in the same sentence. I have a beautiful thing called periortal dermatitis.

For all you laypeople, that means “Face cooties.”

She handed me a brocheure on the cooties, which was good since I was already letting Ellie chew on a Botox handout (You can never worry about your appearance too soon) and I needed my own reading material.

Unfortunately for me, my facial rash is so much worse than those in the brocheure. Hello, aren’t the people that are the “examples” supposed to look worse than the rest of us lazy quacks?

I also found out, thanks to my friend Google, that some people call my cooties “Muzzle Rash.” Great. Well, it could be worse. They could call it “I like S&M Rash.”

That would be embarrassing.

20 Responses to “The Truth About Cats and Dogs”

  1. sunny
    July 30th, 2005 00:14

    Hey! I think I had that once! Unless you get it from doing something gross, and then I totally deny it!

    PS: How do you get it?

  2. sunny
    July 30th, 2005 00:19

    Oh, haha. I forgot to tell you that I had it in high school for a month or two (just like you!) before I went to the Dr. When I finally went in and asked him, he put me on some cycline (mino, tetra, something like that) and I took it and it went away. He also gave me some cream, I think? To dry it out? Anyway, it seemed to go away pretty fast once I had the right things fixing it.

  3. Tracy
    July 30th, 2005 00:32

    Hey, my daughter was just diagnosed with that a couple of weeks ago. They gave her some ointment called Metrogel. I also found out that flouride toothpaste can aggravate it so for now she uses the Tom’s of Maine toothpaste without flouride. It has cleared up really well. Good luck!

  4. Jack's Raging Mommy
    July 30th, 2005 00:36

    Did you ever read those books, there was a whole series of them with things like “Mary has Leukemia and has to learn how to deal” “Suzie has scoliosis and has to learn how to deal”. Lot’s of angsty crap, and fourteen year old girls finding the love of their life in the hospital or at cancer camp. They were great. They made me want scoliosis, diabetes and leukemia.

  5. Rhys
    July 30th, 2005 01:08

    I just found your site tonight and am having a great time reading it. You’re hysterical yet intelligent! :) I loved the opening paragraph to this entry…it’s so true!

  6. ieatcrayonz
    July 30th, 2005 07:50

    Toothpaste clears it up? That’s no fun. Try some Preparation H or Premarin first. There’s nothing like putting ass or vagina cream on your face to really start making your loved ones wonder about you.

    I really didn’t think the rash was all that bad, you know, to hide indoors with the lights off or anything. And don’t even tell me you gave me your good side in that picture. Your skin looks better than mine.

    Oh, and thanks for not going to 2nd base. :P

  7. Dillygirl
    July 30th, 2005 09:16

    I think this is exactly why women have a longer life expectancy than men.

  8. Amy Steier
    July 30th, 2005 11:40

    I guess it could be worse. The rash could’ve covered your entire face, but it’s not. And I love the “I Love S&M Rash” part! I never laughed so hard. At least you still have your sense of humor! Hang in there. You’re doing a great job.

  9. Antonia
    July 30th, 2005 11:47

    Hey, my husband’s had a lump on his leg for four years too! Parallel universe or what?

  10. Shalini
    July 30th, 2005 12:01

    yeah my husband is like yours… in denial about health things like that… and also would say I look great, but this morning I heard him call me a lady who looks like she swallowed a beach ball… isn’t he a doll?

  11. MollieBee
    July 30th, 2005 14:51

    Circle circle dot dot.

    Now you’re got yo cootie shot.

  12. mrtl
    July 30th, 2005 15:49

    Glad you got treatable cooties, yo. Boys? They’ve got cooties that never go away.

  13. mushster
    July 30th, 2005 17:57

    Hmm my hormones must be screwed up cos I never go to the doc either. I had a lump on my arm for 3 years before I bothered about it and only then because I was sick of not being able to lean on it lol.

    Anywayyyyy, *spanks you*. Hey, you asked for it! ;)

  14. clickmom
    July 30th, 2005 20:33

    If you were visiting me with that rash, I’d take you to the doctor. No diplomacy here. In this house we’ve been to the ER 3 times this month. Sorry, but it looks like it hurts. Hope it goes away fast.

  15. Jack's Raging Mommy
    July 30th, 2005 21:22

    Re: your “spaghetti” tag,
    I have Destiny’s Child stuck in my head now. Thank you ever so much.

  16. Kristy
    August 1st, 2005 08:07

    I’m 32 and have had perioral dermatitis for 16 glorious years. Why why WHY does it have to be on the FACE? Hope yours doesn’t stick around as long as mine has.

  17. Texas T-bone
    August 1st, 2005 08:27

    It’s not the fact that women can make something big out of something small, it’s that we men are oblivious to so much in life. We go for the Band Aid when we should probably be yelling “tourniquet!”

    Oh, and Power to the Penis. We can pee standing up (more easily), after all.

  18. Sara
    August 1st, 2005 09:44

    Good story to back up the existence of some kind of genetic condition in men:

    The mayor of Sarnia, (a fairly large city on the US/Canadian border), recently was diagnosed with skin cancer. This was after he showed symptoms for A YEAR and waited to go to the doctor.

    You might be thinking “Oh, a year, that’s not so long…”… but, his symptom? According to local news: HE HAD BLOOD RUNNING OUT OF HIS EAR! Yes, THE MAYOR has blood running out of his ear for ONE YEAR and he doesn’t think “Hmmm maybe I should see a doctor” FOR A YEAR.

    It’s gotta be genetic.

  19. momcast
    August 1st, 2005 11:16

    My man will rarely go to the doc for ANYTHING but is always convinced that the little things are symptoms of fantasticly horrible problems. Like, he had a slightly pulled muscle in his chest, liking from lifting boxes at work and complained he was having a heart attack all week.

    Then there was the time he probably had gas, but bitched and moaned so much I made him spend the night in ER because he was convinced he had a rupturing appendix, gallstone, lord knows what - no evidence of anything was discovered.

  20. princessbuddercup
    August 1st, 2005 14:15

    If you’d quit sucking on the pacifier, that would probably help :) Just kidding, but it does kind of look like the rash that babies sometimes get from sucking on a pacifier! I hope it goes away soon!

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