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Fuh-saaad

I know that some bloggers take a long time thinking about their “online personality.” I can’t exactly say I put a lot of thought into this site when I started it. Really, I was like “Hmm, I should do one of those blog thingies! Wouldn’t that be FUN?”

I’m pretty sure that the first “blog” I ever read was Tampa Tantrum. It went out of commission shortly after my reading it, due to some um, negativity. Eventually, Robyn became one of my online friends. Kind of weird, since I was like “This chick is the coolest!”

Small world. I remember thinking that I could only hope that people would read my site like they did her’s, even though I didn’t want the negativity that happened over there.

Well, people, if anyone besides your Mom reads your site, there’s a chance you’re going to get jerkwads. Comes with the territory. I’ve been called every name in the book. Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry, sometimes you forward pictures of juicy penises to your friends.

When I first started this blog, I had a lot to lose. Well, I lost it all. Even then, I didn’t want to “out” myself to people, preferring to stay “private.” Well, as private as one can be when writing about her life online.

I didn’t post a picture of myself until the day I went into labor with Ellie. By that point (Hello Demerol!) I really didn’t feel like keeping myself a “secret.”

I’m sure I was probably a little bit plainer than most people expected. Yes, that’s me. I look like your cousin and her dog. I’ve heard it before.

I loved going to Tertia’s site and hearing her accent. I think we all have it in our minds of what our favorite blog people sound like.

Sorry, people. I don’t sound very “Southern.” At all. In fact, I’ve been told many times that I have a neutral accent. That’s because most of my friends growing up were from around the world.

I’m glad I’ve “opened” myself up on this site. Due to that, I was able to call Mama Rosa on the phone today when I was down. I’ve chatted with Kristine and Kellie during a major depression spree of mine. VeryMom and I have discussed poop and poor Emily has heard me drunk one too many times.

I’ve met The Debutaunt and the Muzzled Wild Thing. I hang out with a local buddy somewhat often, even visiting her in the hospital the day her daughter was born. Just recently, while in Tulsa, I met another friend.

I think I scared her.

I didn’t mean to. I mean, it was hot and I had never been out in Tulsa on my own. We met for Mexican food (and I moaned the enitre time that Okies do not know how to make good fajitas.) We then went out for ice cream and stuffed ourselves.

I mentioned it was like going on a date: You know, the food, the treats, the riding around with someone you just met. And then, it happened.

I grabbed her boob.

To make up for the fact that I got a handful of tata, I let her take a very unflattering picture. Okay, okay. I volunteered by saying “Look at me! Take picture now!”

She said she’s gonna get together with me again, but I have a feeling she’ll be wearing layers.

This Friday, I’m going to a playgroup of another local blogger/friend. At her house. With people she knows there.

I’m not sure if she knows what she’s getting herself into.

But, really, I’m worried about the fuh-saaaaad. I’m not that funny. I have a rash on my face. My hair is flat, my clothes don’t fit and my child whines all the time. I tend to act on my impulses and forget what is considered “polite” conversation. (Just ask my Okie friend Robyn about the discharge convo during dinner.)

I want to be “Cool SJ” (if she exists.) We could discuss Peace in the Middle East! Or the oppression of tigers in Maui!

Yeah, right. Instead I’ll either say something incrediably stupid or find myself in the fetal position, too scared of saying anything to anyone. I guess only time will tell.

51 Responses to “Fuh-saaad”

  1. Jack's Raging Mommy
    July 27th, 2005 23:02
    1

    I found out recently I live near a very popular blogger who I adore. I get the idea she wouldn’t be adverse to meeting sometime, but I am terrified. I mean, online people think I’m funny. I had several people tell me that today alone! But in the real world I am loud, and abrupt and controlling and obnoxious. And that’s before I get likkered up. I’m not so much with the hiding of my identity but I think I will continue to hide my personality. Be liked is fun

  2. Jack's Raging Mommy
    July 27th, 2005 23:02
    2

    Being liked is fun. I’m a dumbass.

  3. Crystal
    July 27th, 2005 23:02
    3

    :( I’d still think you were cool, behind the fah-saad, because my kids are whiny, my teeth aren’t pretty, and I lack that internal censor that tells you not to blurt out something. See? So not perfect! Seriously, who is?!

  4. Jack's Raging Mommy
    July 27th, 2005 23:03
    4

    Without my original comment the correction looks bizarre.

  5. Crystal
    July 27th, 2005 23:06
    5

    Um, I can’t stand it any more, and have to ask. What the fuck is a JUICY penis? I mean it’s totally not a fruit, and circ’d or not I’ve never seen anything I’d describe as “juicy” Please elaborate!!

  6. Kellie
    July 27th, 2005 23:15
    6

    You are the coolest and I like you more than I like most people. I can’t believe I was in Texas last week and you were not there! Well, I was in Dallas so not anywhere near you and I was in the hospital with my hubby for three days b/c we thought he had a heart attack, but that is besides the point.

    We need to chat again. This time I will call you back.

  7. Kellie
    July 27th, 2005 23:17
    7

    I hit enter to soon. I wanted to say that you are way, way, way cool. Also, that picture you let your friend take? Priceless and more proof of your coolness.

  8. Crazy MomCat
    July 27th, 2005 23:18
    8

    Well, no matter what you say or how you look or whatever, I know a kindred sarcastic spirit when I read one! I’m looking forward to meeting you…and have NO expectations other than to talk about everything BUT our blogs!

    And, just so you know me–I’ll be the overweight “chunky blonde” with saggy big boobs, an in-between hairdo that looks like ass, and the two kids–son who is a live wire and daughter who screams at a pitch that I know will shatter our windows any day now. Oh yeah, I also have a psychotic cat who I will throw in a closet somewhere (be careful if you snoop around while here!) and a very co-dependent dog who will be camped in the dark garage all the while I try to entertain a bunch of kids with our backyard blow-up pool and the monstrocity of a fort that my husband built.

    Oh, and if that’s not enough, I’m working on a big ole pimple on the side of my nose for you. How’s that for a “Fuh-saad!” (grin)

  9. MollieBee
    July 27th, 2005 23:19
    9

    Crystal-

    I’m guessing if you see a penis and want to stick it in your mouth, it might be juicy. I dunno, SJ is the expert.

  10. Y
    July 28th, 2005 00:21
    10

    Crystal? Email me, I’ll explain.

  11. Anonaly
    July 28th, 2005 01:15
    11

    A juicy penis is a penis that is pleasantly satisfied and ready to take a nap.
    But, it needs a bath first.

  12. Mellissa
    July 28th, 2005 03:23
    12

    Heh. Cameltoe.

  13. Debbie
    July 28th, 2005 07:18
    13

    I know what you mean, SJ. I am much better in writing — rapier wit, wiser and much prettier than in person!

    I have grabbed a boob before (it was a concert and there was alcohol involved) but it was just to see if it felt fake or not and I was invited to grab it. Even that story sounds better in writing than if I tried to explain it in person.

  14. robyn
    July 28th, 2005 07:43
    14

    Man, I have you snowed. ;-p

  15. Emily
    July 28th, 2005 07:55
    15

    S.J. you were my first and favorite read. I can’t remember how on earth I found you (along with Melissa at Suburbanbliss) but I remember being hooked….and when I got your drunk calls…I felt like the most popluar girl at school had just talked to me! I wish I lived in TX or around those parts b/c we’d be real life friends not just internet friends!

  16. Stacey
    July 28th, 2005 08:17
    16

    Robyn was my first read too, I think when she was at blogblogbaby.com

  17. Jennifer
    July 28th, 2005 08:23
    17

    Don’t grab boobie and you’ll do just fine.

    Oh, and I didnt realize one had to have an “online” persona when writing a blog. I think you are an excellent writer and really enjoy reading your blog.

  18. ieatcrayonz
    July 28th, 2005 09:01
    18

    And here I was hoping that I was the chick that was the coolest. I went on a date with SJ and all I got was this lousy picture. Oh, and felt up. The full body condom is ordered and en route for our next rendevous.

    Why do I have this feeling that people are clicking my blog just to try and find a picture of my tatas? I’d love to say that it was more shocking than it was, but when your kid grabs your boobs 200 times a day, you get a little desensitized.

    Crazy MomCat, consider yourself warned. SJ is a sly one with the boob coppage.

  19. mrsmogul
    July 28th, 2005 09:30
    19

    I don’t think I will post a picture while I am in labor, but maybe just my legs.

  20. mrtl
    July 28th, 2005 09:46
    20

    AAAAAHH!!! I’m laughing so hard that you pulled a Diana Ross on Yonzie! I think I better go and pee now.

  21. Keira
    July 28th, 2005 09:47
    21

    Yeah i hate to break it to you but you are the blog equivalent of the popular kid at school, even if you don’t quite get it yourself.

    jeez i’ve gotta get me a better blog personality, wo knew there was so much pressure!

  22. debu_nonjuicypenis
    July 28th, 2005 10:01
    22

    Hey. I wanted to grab your boob too. But only to get at your chapstick.

    Call a sista once in a while. My 5 year old will entertain your baby. I swear.

  23. princessbuddercup
    July 28th, 2005 10:21
    23

    SJ, reference my recent post about you: http://princessbuddercup.blogspot.com/2005/07/6-months-and-one-week-later.html

    Girl, when you have people wanting to be like you, you’ve reached the big time. I like that your life seems so “normal”. It’s not a fairy tale, it’s not unrealistic, it’s totally attainable for most people, the good parts as well as the bad parts. It’s nice to have a role model like you, and yes, I just called you a role model. You’re a SAHM, but thank god you’re not the Alpha Mom type! You tell it like it is, the good, the bad, the hellacious. It’s all real, and I can relate to you on a level that i would never be able to relate to a SAHM with a giant house, all the money in the world and a “perfect” life. You’re living a good life SJ, because you’ve got the things that matter, love and family. Oh sure, money would certainly make things easier, don’t we all know, but without the “real” things you have, the money would be meaningless. Not that I don’t pray you win the lottery, right after I do of course :)

  24. Ninotchka
    July 28th, 2005 10:44
    24

    Oh, you’ll have a great time. Don’t you worry. They’ll love you. And if they don’t, then more material for the ol’ blog-a-roo. WHEEEEEE!

  25. Sarcastic Journalist
    July 28th, 2005 10:53
    25

    The problem is that I didn’t “think” the online persona out too well. Like “this this and that” is SJ. Really SJ is me, but I’d like to think that she’s a cooler, funnier version of myself.

  26. Heatheranne
    July 28th, 2005 10:55
    26

    I’m such a geek. I don’t even know what my online persona is.

  27. Sarcastic Journalist
    July 28th, 2005 11:28
    27

    RE: The juicy penis. Basically it was an uncirc penis that seemed to have um, juices on it. It wasn’t “happy,” but looked like it had been recently.

  28. ieatcrayonz
    July 28th, 2005 11:39
    28

    SJ, is this a close approximation of the juicy peter?

  29. Amy Steier
    July 28th, 2005 11:45
    29

    I love the new look of your blog!

    And don’t worry about what others will think of you after they meet you. Be yourself. You don’t need a mask. You’re great just the way you are…unpretentious.

  30. Lujza
    July 28th, 2005 12:12
    30

    You know what SJ…just be yourself…whether you put on a “cover” when you write or not…there will still be a little bit of the “real you” that comes out. Yeah you get some losers here and…they’ll always be losers. But you’ve got one hell of a following too!! and those that have their heads screwed on straight….would appreciate you for who you are, not just your blog.

    Stay cool….it’s hot up in here in America Jr. too…..

  31. Shalini
    July 28th, 2005 13:10
    31

    I think you are awesome. I like SJ.

  32. Laura
    July 28th, 2005 13:35
    32

    I’m so boring in real life. I think that comes through in my on-line persona! YOU remind me of my friend, Kim. I’m sure you’re a pistol

  33. coolbeans
    July 28th, 2005 15:54
    33

    So, if I agree to meet other bloggers and be all real and stuff, they’ll touch my boobies?

    I’m SO there.

  34. Tracy
    July 28th, 2005 15:59
    34

    As far as the private SJ until you had Miss. E? I know what you mean there. Aside from the pain killing drugs, something happens. It’s like a switch with the change of mind. Fast as a finger snap and most things in life just change perspective. I felt it too. Just a lower roar on the blogging bit. More like a sick kitty cry for me. ;)

    I just think it’s great that you have gone out and met so many like you have. Wish I had that kind of guts. I start feeling a bit like a caged animal when I meet people that know me online. Only exception from that was Hubs. He was lucky I had a half a bottle of Asti that night.

  35. Citizen Mom
    July 28th, 2005 17:32
    35

    Remember when I told you to join the MOMS Club? Well, I left out the best part of my little journey of self-discovery at playgroup. The first time I went, it was at the house of a woman in my neighborhood. She’d already joined the club and was eager to introduce Jack and me to everyone.
    I was in the process of trying to wean him off his bottle, and we arrived to a house full of infants with bottles. After the third time he hijacked someone’s bottle, I gave him a time out.
    In retaliation, he made himself vomit all over the other children, and all over my new neighbor’s playroom.
    So yeah, it can really suck.
    Anyway, I can see you’re struggling and I hope you can hang in until it gets better, or find a way to make it better.

  36. Nancy France
    July 28th, 2005 17:43
    36

    A lot of us look happy on the outside and are weeping inside. You aren’t alone in that, or in feeling like a fraud when people like you. Your “help” will probably tell you that what you’re feeling is a combination of the reason you take the medication in the first place, and the nasty things hormones can do during pregnancy to even those few people out there with no depression problems at all. I’m not going to tell you it gets better. It gets different, and sometimes that’s “better” enough.

    You’re a better person and more likable and far more worthy than you are giving yourself credit for. (bad preposition, snuck up on me at the end of that sentence but phhbbbtt on that!)

    Sometimes, it just has to be one breath to another. Keep breathing.

  37. paula
    July 28th, 2005 17:50
    37

    SJ,

    Your readers love you for your humor, but they also love you for your honesty.

    You are a terrific person. I hope you feel better soon.

  38. Shalini
    July 28th, 2005 18:08
    38

    I do love your honesty. I was really surprised to see you post that you are 25. You “sound” much older and more put together than 25. Not that there’s anything wrong with being 25.. I was just thinking you were in your 30s… SJ, hang in there, the next day will be waiting for you. And we will be waiting to read about it. Even though we are all “faceless” here, know that we do care about you :)

  39. April
    July 28th, 2005 19:37
    39

    Hang in there SJ. I still want to read your blog because you’re real and honest and putting yourself out there. I don’t just read your blog because you’re funny. You are still funny. I know what its like to have money problems and its not fun and its depressing and it sucks so hang in there. When you hit the bottom, there’s no where else to go but up.

  40. Amy Steier
    July 28th, 2005 19:44
    40

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing a great job, even if you don’t think so. Give yourself a break. You are wonderful, even when you’re sad.

  41. NinaKaye
    July 28th, 2005 20:27
    41

    I keep waiting for the day someone will comment on my blog and be mean to me. That’s when I’ll know my blogging has a reason!

  42. Carmen
    July 28th, 2005 20:33
    42

    You are wonderful, and I adore your writing. I’m so sad that you feel the way you do. if you lived anywhere near me, I’d bring you over a big pan of brownies, a good movie, a better book, and I’d kidnap your daughter for two hours.

    But, I’m nowhere close to you - I think - so I’ll just send my prayers and well wishes.

  43. Drunken Lagomorph
    July 29th, 2005 00:45
    43

    I know your comments on the post after this one are off, but I just wanted to write and say that I have been EXACTLY in your shoes and I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. I’m rooting for you.

  44. Tertia
    July 29th, 2005 04:40
    44

    Can’t see the pic you asshole! Are you nude in the pic? My firewall is blocking it. I want to see you. (I’d let you grab my boob)

  45. Kelly
    July 29th, 2005 07:12
    45

    You ARE funny. You ARE brilliant. You ARE honest.

    We all love you SJ.

  46. peefer
    July 29th, 2005 08:03
    46

    If you think you’re alone, you are so wrong.

    That’s all.

  47. peefer
    July 29th, 2005 08:04
    47

    Oh, and:

    You can’t stop time from taking you to a better tomorrow.

    Ok, now that’s all.

  48. ZombieWoman
    July 29th, 2005 08:13
    48

    I am sorry you are hurting. I read your blog everyday, but this is the first time I have posted. You are very funny and I look forward to reading about your life everyday. Please, don’t hurt yourself SJ. I probably can’t say anything you haven’t heard before, but forget those jerks who post negative things. They don’t get it. They don’t get you. You are an original living in a world of clones.

  49. sleepingmommy
    July 29th, 2005 08:31
    49

    Sometimes when I read you, it’s like being inside my own head.

  50. ieatcrayonz
    July 29th, 2005 14:37
    50

    SJ, where are you? You are not allowed to post something like that and leave. Can CrazyMomCat tell us if she showed up today?

    I don’t know why the blogger photo link doesn’t work. I posted the elusive photo here:

    http://photos23.flickr.com/29502924_1eb596869e.jpg

  51. Shalini
    July 29th, 2005 16:51
    51

    Your mom talked to you about condoms? My mom never did. Am I missing out on anything?

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