I Left On a Jet Plane

The drive from Houston to Tulsa takes about eight hours. That is, it takes eight hours if you don’t stop at every Dairy Queen or Arby’s you see in the meantime. The trip (by airplane) from Tulsa back to Houston (from doorstep to doorstep) is five hours.

Yesterday, during our flight back, all I kept thinking is “Flying is FUNNY! Man, wouldn’t the internet love to hear about flying? Isn’t flying GREAT?”

This probably won’t make any sense because I’m still in “Constant Baby Entertaining Mode” after sitting next to my child on the plane while the (Lucky) hubs got to sit in the back, near the potty. You see, we’re those people that don’t actually pay for the baby to get her own seat. No, we call ahead, see that there are exactly two empty seats on the plane and commandeer one for ourselves.

Yesterday, I sat between my child and a six year old. My child made the six year old look like Mother Theresa on her best day. At first, I was very scared because, good lord, there were two kids on my row and I was going to have to entertain both!

That kid is still ruing the day she asked her mom if she could “sit next to the baby” because I constantly fired questions at her such as What do you want to be when you grow up? What’s your favorite show? Where do you live? How old are your siblings? What does your daddy do for a living? (I only asked that last question after checking her mother’s ring finger and noticing a very sizable rock there.)

Turns out that most six year olds do not know much, including the city and state they live in. They also do not know who Dr. Phil is.

I’m also glad that she didn’t notice that I let Ellie play with a tampon I had in my purse because I was trying to figure out a way to lie to the child to explain the pretty yellow thing my child had in her mouth. It’s what old people use to blow their nose! It’s a hair curler! It is a very special pencil!

Then you get off the plane! And go to baggage claim! Woohoo! Isn’t that funny?

Actually, every time I go to baggage claim, I always look for the people from our flight. Usually there are a few I can remember, but yesterday all I could remember was striped shirt guy and girl that looked like a hooker.

There were a lot of hooker wannabes in the Houston airport, but none were our hooker. Oh well. Thanks a lot for that, hizo. You didn’t help me one bit. What’s the point of having a big, black ugly tattoo if you aren’t going to help out a frazzled, sweaty mama?

I guess I shall wrap this up. It seems as if my child is “mad” at me because we don’t have several things in our house: grandparents, aunts, dogs, lots of room to walk and crawl and people that shove food in your mouth any time you make any sort of noise.

Note to childless people on airplanes: Just because I walk onto the plane with a child, it does not give you the right to give me nasty looks. She isn’t doing anything, no, she’s sitting there, munching on a nasty airplane seatbelt, minding her own business.

Perhaps I’d let you get away with it if you were some fancy looking person that seemed “very important.” If you’re a guy wearing a Jack Daniels T-shirt and a cowboy hat, no, you can’t get away with it. Also, if you don’t have any hair except for some weird hair growth on your face (art?) please don’t give me the evil eye.

If I get on another flight and I have to deal with you giving me The Look, please know I will let my child grab that oversized earring out of your ear and let her shove it up your nose.

It will be a nice change from having her finger up my nose.

25 Responses to “I Left On a Jet Plane”

  1. Barefootgoddess
    July 25th, 2005 12:26

    Grrrr, I hate The Look. Especially when my children are generally more behaved in public that many adults.

  2. Susan
    July 25th, 2005 12:47

    YaY I’m glad you’re back!

    I am an expierenced “Look” giver. I’ve sat next to many a screaming baby on airplanes, but one in particular stood out… the mother of a 2-year-old baby boy proceeded to let him hang on the the chair in front of him and jump on the food tray like it was his own personal trampoline. She ignored everyone’s “Looks” and just dug her nose deeper in her book. Karma can be a cruel mistress… the kid jumped so hard he smacked his head on the top of the plane and came crashing down on the floor. *evil grin*

  3. Eulallia
    July 25th, 2005 13:12

    A little flying tip: if you happen to forget your child’s pacifier in your brother-in-law’s car when he dropped you off, don’t try to buy one at the airport because they cost 600 dollars and they’re the wrong brand anyway, so your child will not use it.

  4. KattKatFlash
    July 25th, 2005 13:14

    Oh planes they are sooo much fun with a small child. I had the husband who had the GREAT idea of connecting flights to St. Louis. On the first flight little hp threw up orange goldfish on me 3 times. I almost vomitted due to the smell. Hubby also thought it a GREAT idea not to take a stroller. Our connecting flight was in GA where we had to trek halfway across the airport for the connecting flight which was delays 3 hours. That’s right people 3 hours of entertaining a small child, past his bedtime, who could not yet walk and found many yummy things on the airport floor.

    We finally made it onto the plane where we were seated next to the potty and slamming door where the small child screamed and cried every time the door closed cuz he couldn’t sleep. Dirty looks ensued and some lady said something snotty. Snotty lady got the privilege of me pacing with said crying child back and forth past her seat.

    I hate flying.
    I hate flying even more with a small child.

  5. clickmom
    July 25th, 2005 13:15

    I am soooo used to “the look” having parents that live 2,000 miles away and a husband who likes vacations. My kids are pretty good on the plane, so we never have much of a problem, but one trip in particular stands out, we were on our way home from Florida and I was travelling alone with all three kids. On our day of departure, 9 year old woke up vomiting, 5 year old woke with 103 fever. I took them home anyways. The flight was scheduled during the 1 year olds nap time. Well, some how all three made it through the airport, (I am pretty sure I carried the one year old while pushing the 5 year old in the stroller) the older two passed out in feverish nauseated heaps and the baby nursed himself to sleep all before take off. I got to watch the in flight movie! They all remained complete,y motionless the entire flight.

    On our way out of the plane every senior citizen passenger just had to stop me and remark about how well behaved my kids are. I was like….sure, just don’t call me in 3 days when you are on your way to the ER.

  6. michaela
    July 25th, 2005 13:17

    i’ve found the best thing to do is tell the look givers “that’s right, here we are!!” and if it’s open seating, try to sit next to them. then you have someone to give your own look to.

  7. debutaunt
    July 25th, 2005 14:02

    Zoe got into my purse at the pediatricians office when she was two. Yep - went right for the tampon, and an insulin syringe.

    Woo. Momma’s shootin up the heroin. (ok, I’m sure that’s what all the lookers were thinking)

  8. chriss
    July 25th, 2005 14:26

    I just remember what some nice older man said to me when my son wouldn’t stop crying on his first flight:
    “Babies cry, what do those people expect? If you can stop him crying just by telling him, you are very powerful”. Later in the conversation he said ” Obviously you can’t reason with a baby, so what do they expect?” Very wise man!
    So, I just tell myself when I get on a plane and someones baby is crying, “What do I expect, babies cry” and I try to catch the parents eye and let them know I feel their pain.

  9. MollieBee
    July 25th, 2005 14:41

    Yay! You’re back!

  10. KellyH
    July 25th, 2005 14:45

    I flew with my eldest daughter when she was 16 months old. In the Atlanta airport, she had had it with waiting in the stroller, and started screaming as the plane was boarding. I got “the look” many times from the boarding passengers, you know they were thinking, “Oh my God, that kid is going to do that the entire flight.” I had been talking to a couple who was flying with their son, who was about the same age as my daughter, and he was being as good as gold, even he was giving her “the look.” As soon as we got on the plane, I nursed her and she fell asleep, and the other kid was the one screaming his head off! I felt vindicated, somehow.

  11. Ninotchka
    July 25th, 2005 14:47

    Oh my how I’ve come to hate The Look. And just yesterday Guy got The Look at the bike shop while there with our two girls. And they behave SO FUCKING AWESOME for him (totally not fair, they’re heathens with me).

    People can be such Asshats.

  12. Karyn
    July 25th, 2005 15:12

    Last summer. Flying back from Europe with a 2 year old and my husband, I was 7 months pregnant at the time. We bought our two year old her very own seat so she could have the luxury of her roomy carseat rather than our sweaty laps for the 7-hour flight. The plane was taxiing. Toddler did NOT want to be buckled into her carseat. Commenced SCREAMING fit - the kind that literally hurts the ears of anyone within 10 feet. We offered candy, crackers, drinks, toys, all manner of distrations all to no avail. Oh, yes, we were getting The Look, many times over.

    A flight attendant actually came back and said, “Can you do something about your crying baby?” I was stunned. I always think of great comebacks after the fact, but at the time I just stammered that we had tried everything but I was sure she would quiet down once the plane was in the air and going smoothly. I wish I had said, “You know, we offered her a hundred bucks to settle down but she just wasn’t interested.” OR, “Yes, if you would just call the FAA real quick and ask if they would make an exception to the requirement to be buckled in during taxi and takeoff, we will take her out of her carseat and she will stop crying. Thank you SO MUCH!”

    Sounds like your baby was a dream. I’m so glad for you! :-)

  13. Robotnik
    July 25th, 2005 16:53

    For all the people who give “the look” or get pissy when infants/babies travel, here’s a tip: Bring your Ipod/Mp3 player/CD Player/Walkman. Nice and simple. I don’t like screaming babies either, but…I’ve always brought music. And it’s always been a good trip–screaming meemies or not. Also? Helps with the insufferable conversations with the fucko chatterboxes invariably sitting next to you.

  14. Citizen Mom
    July 25th, 2005 17:23

    Ahh, the blessed joy of being in a situation where there is a child behaving worse than yours. And oh yeah, people who give The Look are doomed to have children who are Satan’s crafty minions. It’s a fact…

  15. Bente
    July 25th, 2005 18:39

    When I flew with Elli and she was crying a little there was some dickwad sitting infront of me that actually had the nerve to turn to the person next to him and loudly say “That’s why I’ll never travel with kids.” Well Mr. Perfect my family lives on the other side of the freakin’ world, should I just mail her there? Ass.

  16. buffi
    July 25th, 2005 20:04

    So glad you made it back safe. I say you let them play with whatever makes them happy. I always save those little bottles of bubbles from weddings especially for airplanes and reataurants. And, real parents never give “the look,” they will usually give you the sympathy smile, tho.

  17. Laura
    July 25th, 2005 22:22

    I was coming home from a trip to Atlanta with my 18 month old. As we boarded the plane, my child was screaming, of course. When we found our seat, the eight year old next to us turned to his mom and said “please don’t tell me I have to sit through three more hours of this”. His mother graciously replied, “honey, YOU used to be the screaming baby and not so long ago either”. God bless her.

  18. incredimom
    July 25th, 2005 22:35

    I live in Tulsa and am flying for the very first time this october - from tulsa to tampa! WITH TWO KIDS - 9 yrs and 5 yrs - and I’m SCARED to death to fly….

  19. Kees Wee-je-wel
    July 25th, 2005 22:40

    “Be nice or I’ll log your IP and block your ass”?

    People that have managed to elevate gross and shameless ignorance, like you display in your sorry attempts to write (and your sorry attempts to give meaning to your pityful life for that matter), make me literally sick in my stomach.

    “Also: Mean people suck.” Have you ever realised that you are on the intelectual level of a 4-year old, and that -in fact- the rest of the world actually has brains? If not, I hope I opened your eyes somewhat. Now; crawl back in your hicktown suburb, work hard to be able to drive your tasteless and wasteful SUV, support the fundamentalist Christian wars of your fellow hick in charge and stuff your fat face every chance you get and go to Mexico for a week or two to convince yourself you know how to live life. But do the rest of the world a favour; keep your miserable little world from the internet, somebody might read it.


  20. Kees Wee-je-wel
    July 25th, 2005 22:45

    I should have signed off with ‘another sarcastic journalist’, shouldn’t I? A fuck, good ideas often come too late…

  21. Bente
    July 25th, 2005 23:25

    Is Kees Wee-je-wel for real? Yeesh, what a loser.

  22. Dad Gone Mad
    July 25th, 2005 23:29

    Hooker wannabes make me happy to be alive.

  23. brilly
    July 26th, 2005 09:47

    The ‘Look’ is everywhere. Some people are masters of the ‘Look’, they use it even when they don’t need to. You never get used to someone giving your kid the ‘Look’ no matter how old your kid is.

  24. Antonia
    July 26th, 2005 11:01

    Hey, the guy with no hair except for the weird growth on his face, is that the same guy as the one in the Art Institute of Houston ad? That guy looks like someone’s pelvic region.

  25. Sarcastic Journalist
    July 26th, 2005 11:02

    I usually delete troll posts but that is kind of funny. Sorry, I’m not really fat, even though I do have a pregnancy induced double chin. Don’t drive an SUV, don’t support the president and uh, never been to Mexico.

    Please, please do not tell me you are a Journalist. Wouldn’t surprise me, though. YOur IP is from Los Angeles.

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