Once upon a time, a boy named The Hubs and a girl named SJ decided “Hmm. We should buy a house.” So they did. Eventually, the Girl Named SJ decided to act in a stupid manner, get fired from her job and not make any money. While pregnant.

The Hubs and SJ then sold their beautiful cookie-cutter house, all 1500 sq feet of it, and moved back to Texas. They moved into a very tiny apartment that was full of bugs and had a toilet that overflowed all the time. Eventually, they moved to another suburb and got a nicer, but smaller (and more expensive!) apartment.

All went well. They lived in this tiny place on the third floor (no elevators) and worked out their legs muscles daily. Then The Girl Named SJ went and got herself knocked up.

One day she realized that uh oh, they’re in deep doodoo. They live in a tiny two bedroom apartment on the third floor (no elevator). She thought “we need more room. And a garage!”

Unfortunately, the rental houses in their price range were on the verge of getting condemned by the state. She thought “We should buy a townhouse!” but realized that once all is said and done, it would be $100 more a month than they could really afford for a townhouse. She felt sad because the townhouses (For $95k!) had three bedrooms, 2.5 baths, a garage plus a fenced backyard. She could put her two crotch fruit in the backyard and mix alcoholic beverages all day long.

So, after much thought, she began to preform a self-inventory. She could sell a kidney or two, or perhaps part of her colon. She didn’t really need two lungs, did she? Considering that she is a stay at home mom, someone less fortunate could use that part of her brain that has gone into hibernation in the past year.

She thought of her talents: Diaper changing, writing on a blog, acting hormonal, and, at times, lactating. She’s good at offending people and likes to hug. She can clean a bathtub in ten seconds but never calls people back.

She became very sad because every time she went to IKEA it seemed like living in a tiny apartment on the third floor (no elevator!) was fun! They built upwards, not outwards! Stoage for everything! You put babies in cubbyholes in the wall! The cubbyholes could be red! And yellow! With matching designs!

She wanted to pack up her family and live in the IKEA showroom.

She wondered if she could contact the IKEA people and they could figure out where, exactly, she could stash Little Jizzy once he came out. Sadly, it seemed like Little Jizzy would have the most space in the dining room, which really wasn’t a room as much as it was part of the living room.

The baby could sleep in the unused fireplace! Genius!

She continued on in her little existence, giving up plans for World Domination in exchange for cribs that could turn into bunkbeds. She began to stockpile food and wares knowing what the inevitable future held for her.

Without an elevator, she and her offspring would be forced to become hermits.

25 Responses to “Logistics”

  1. Jack's Raging Mommy
    July 17th, 2005 21:35

    One month (almost to the day) after we moved in here I was impregnated.
    We live on the third floor, with no elevator.
    I get it.

  2. April
    July 17th, 2005 21:43

    I live in a small apartment too and I don’t have any kids. I feel bad for you. I’m sure the people at IKEA will let you come live in the showroom. You could be like living mannequins for the customers to look at. Its genius.
    I hope you find a bigger place to live that you can love, where your crotch fruit can run free.

  3. Bente
    July 17th, 2005 21:58

    I hear you on the not being able to afford a house. It’s not a fun thing eh? I hope you can work something out soon.

  4. Em
    July 17th, 2005 22:00

    If it makes you feel better, my second spent his first 6 months living in a pack n play squeezed between an amoire and the wall. He has moved up in the world to a room with no door he shares with a giant roll top desk we have no other place for. Worse yet, I’m getting the baby itch again but unless I see that cubby hole thing working out for you, I can’t scratch.

  5. MunchkinMama
    July 17th, 2005 22:46

    900 square foot apartment. Two introverts over five feet who handled it just fine. Enter one extrovert under five feet who somehow calls the shots, and 900 square feet shrinks to about two. Living in the third most overpriced housing market. No IKEA in sight. Doomed, I tell you, dooooomed!

    I hope you find space to call your own.

  6. mrtl
    July 18th, 2005 00:36

    Couldn’t you learn to balance little Jizzy on your head? That would free up your hands. You have several months to start practicing this skill — maybe with a pot of boiling water (incentive not to drop it).

  7. Ten33girl
    July 18th, 2005 01:58

    I’m a single mother of two little ones. I live in a small two bedroom apt, and I go thru this all the time. But when I tuck them into their bunk beds at night, and see how safe and warm they are, I really am grateful that I have been able to provide at least this much. If you shower your kids with love and happiness, they don’t care where they are ;)

  8. Tam
    July 18th, 2005 07:17

    3rd floor, no elevator sucks! I feel for you, hopefully a new affordable living arrangement will work out before this next babe makes his appearance. Also, in reference to your last post, I live in Sydney, NS, so just let me know if you want the situation handled!!!! ;-)

  9. Phyl
    July 18th, 2005 09:13

    Hating to sound like a real estate agent, but have you factored in the tax savings in an own vs. buy situation? The help on your taxes could more than make up that $100.00 deficit.

  10. Citizen Mom
    July 18th, 2005 09:18

    Looking at it totally pragmatically, is there any way you can get the townhouse, then get a part-time job of some kind to help you cover the additional money the mortgage will cost? You’ve got journalistic skillz and obvious writing ability, is there any freelance work to be had down there? Trust the process…a mother trying to provide for her babies is a force to be reckoned with.

  11. MollieBee
    July 18th, 2005 09:19


    You live on the 3rd floor (no elevator) too? Weird. I did it because I can look out the window and see trees, not stupid people.

  12. Tuesdayef
    July 18th, 2005 09:24

    I came home from the hospital with my newborn twins to a new town and a new apartment on the 3rd floor, no elevator.
    Yes, we were hermits for about 6 months, no joke.
    I get it.

  13. lawbrat
    July 18th, 2005 10:14

    crotch fruit…HAHAHAHAHA I love it! Please pass a martini.

  14. Di
    July 18th, 2005 10:17

    No elevator! That’s something that I don’t want to ever experience. And I’m not pregnant.

  15. Nancy France
    July 18th, 2005 10:38

    oh dear! The logistics of three stories to climb up and down, attempting to balance two crotch fruit… I fear you will indeed become a hermit! All I could offer is a backyard to sit in if you ever do escape for a moment! But I’m not climbing the stairs. uh UHhn! Not enough Percocet for that in my stash, no no no….

  16. SuzanH
    July 18th, 2005 10:39

    I hope you can swing this. OH! Set up a pulley from your window, then you can just raise and lower and completely bypass the stairs.

  17. halloweenlover
    July 18th, 2005 11:21

    I hear you on Ikea. I go there and think that my storage situation can TOTALLY be managed! And then I come home and want to cry because everything is so disorganized.

    I think you need a vacation. I can make margaritas! Or pina coladas! We can party in Boston!

  18. Amy Steier
    July 18th, 2005 11:55

    It doesn’t feel like it right now, but things could always be worse. At least you have each other. Ha!

    Maybe you could sell your eggs! They seem to be working well!

  19. Ninotchka
    July 18th, 2005 13:14

    Yeah, the 3 flights of stairs thing is the clincher. We lived in a tiny 2 bedroom when we first had Natalie. Stayed there ’til she was almost 3! But it was on the first floor with an attached garage. I loved that damned apartment. I really did.

    Shit! I wish you could find a way to make the townhouse work. It sounds perfect.

    I hope that doesn’t sound assholish. Because it sucks when you vent and then people lament your problems. And you feel like, OK I know I already said it would be great, thanks for reminding me DICK HEAD. At least for me, I get all defensive and shit.

    Maybe you will find something along those lines that you can afford. You still have time before #2 enters the picture.

    Thinking good thoughts for you!

  20. audrey
    July 18th, 2005 13:23

    Aww, it feels scarey right now with hormones and instinct to be a mother bear protecting her cubs. It’s natural to want the best for your kids. You ARE giving them the best as you love them to bits and believe me, that is all they care about. The bigger house will be there when it’s ready for you.
    If you think you want to work outside the home, consider at-home free lance office work. There are places that need smart people like you to be like a “secretary at home”. You have writing ability, know your way around a computer a hundred different ways - I’m sure this type of work would be there for you. And you won’t be forking over day-care costs. Or better yet, start submitting pieces of your writing to every magazine around - they pay $$$ to good writers like you. Imagine getting paid to do something you do anyway!!!

  21. Texas T-bone
    July 18th, 2005 14:21

    That’s what buckets and ropes were invented for … lowering babies from third-story apartments.

  22. honey bunny
    July 18th, 2005 16:26

    95K! that’s all a townhouse cost there? you can’t find a one bedroom “condo” (it’s just a spiffy name for a 1br in a “fancy” part of the city) for under 250K!

    goddamn, the hubs-to-be and i were thinking of moving to the midwest, but maybe we should move to TX! we’d live like kinds! heh.

    ps) can you get a freelance jobbie? ever check out your local craigs list dot com? maybe you can pick up some easy work that way.

  23. honey bunny
    July 18th, 2005 16:29

    i mean we’d live like KINGS….kind KINGS ;)

  24. Shalini
    July 20th, 2005 16:28

    oohhh… no elevators and that shitty humid heat… Yes I would be a hermit, unless the invented portable AC bubbles that you and the kids could move around in..

  25. Gina
    July 22nd, 2005 12:46

    95K for a townhouse?? That is insane! I don’t know what part of TX you live in, but here in central TX you can buy a 5 year old brick 3 bedroom, 2 bath, with fireplace, large rooms and privacy fencing on a quiet street for about 65K. Hell, my sister just bought one with an enclosed jacuzzi in the backyard and massive master bath for 72k.

    Hope you are able to find something soon.

  • Etc.

    • www.flickr.com