Everything I Learned in Life, I Learned From the Internet

When my kids grow up, I can’t wait to say “Well, when I was your age, we didn’t have DVD players in the car. In fact, I had to read books. Can you say book? Buh-uuk. We read those in the car and sometimes we played the roadsign game.”

After that, I walked 5 miles to school in the snow (In Texas!) on one leg, with an arm tied behind my back, smoking a cigar.

What did I ever do without the Internet? Well, back then, I had real people in life, much like the stupid “You wanna be like Dooce” troll that called me ugly the other day, to make me feel insecure. Also, if I had a question about Mt. Saint Helens, my parents would tell me to look it up. In a book.

Let’s just say I didn’t look it up.

The Internet started to get “known” here in the ‘burbs when I was about 16. By the time I got to college, a lot of people had IM and email and boy, did I spend a lot of time on IM. Anyway, we spent a lot of time in the AOL Chatrooms (ha! Remember those!) at age 16, telling people to um, ” F me sillly with a number two pencil.”

But now, there’s Google and there are zillions of webpages to look up information. If only I had the Internet when I tried to sit under a blanket to give myself a fever, maybe I would have done something right instead of just making myself really hot.

It’s fun to see how people get to your site. No, this isn’t a post about how all the weird ways people get here, but instead of the questions they are asking the Internet.

“My daughter wants me to buy her a dildo.”

Huh? How old is this daughter? Twelve? I mean, if she wants you to buy her one, she must not be old enough to have her own money or car. I’ve thought about this off and on, what I’d do if my child wanted me to buy her a dildo.

First, I can only hope that my child is open enough with me that she would ask me for a dildo.

But, I think I’d have to say that though I’m happy she’s interested in her own sexuality, I do not think it is a mother’s place to buy something to put in her daughter’s vagina that isn’t a tampon. That also includes Male Prostitutes.

To all the 10-year-old girls that google “pain in boobie,” please tell your doctor.

There are too many people looking for sarcastic things to say to their coworkers. Here’s a hint: Bake them some cookies and keep your mouth shut. You don’t want to get fired, do you? But, if you must say something snarky, I highly suggest you start a blog using YOUR NAME as the title. That way, when we go to www dot JenniferSmith dot com, everyone can learn that you think your boss is ugly and you know that the manager of the office is really spending all the petty cash on mail order brides.

Heck, make up lies about your coworkers getting caught in the supply closet! Accuse people of sexual harrassment! Human Resorces loves that!

22 Responses to “Everything I Learned in Life, I Learned From the Internet”

  1. debutaunt
    July 7th, 2005 15:01

    Hey. At least you are able to give them some practical advice. I wasn’t sure what to say to Mr. ‘Thin Granny Sex’

    And damn. We didn’t have much internet when I was in college. Now I feel one million years old.

  2. debutaunt
    July 7th, 2005 15:02

    And dammit, my office has now blocked Y’s journal. Woman. WTF are you writing in there that websense picked it up?

  3. Curly Girl
    July 7th, 2005 15:29

    AHA! i remember going to those chat rooms with you and ape! and talking dirty to people. those were the days. that started me off on my current career in phone sex. kidding. no really, i’m kidding.

  4. Cyndi
    July 7th, 2005 15:35

    Don’t forget you are supposed to tell your children that you walked 5 miles uphill both ways when you were in school.

  5. Fellow Eskimo
    July 7th, 2005 16:22

    My mother and I shopped online for a vibrator for me when I was 17. I was curious, so I asked. That was an educational experience and still proves very…fun to this day.

  6. Jack's Raging Mommy
    July 7th, 2005 17:03

    The only Google search that brought someone to me was “I Am Jack’s Raging Mommy”. So I guess that doesn’t count.

  7. Lassa
    July 7th, 2005 17:16

    You get all the fun ones! All the googles searches that end up on my site are looking for “Doodlebops without makeup” or “dog pees on carpet”

  8. NinaKaye
    July 7th, 2005 19:10

    The other day I got a “putting 12 year old back in diapers” search. I don’t even try to understand.

  9. mushster
    July 7th, 2005 19:19

    I got a “good fucking” search last week. We must be doing something right huh? ;)

  10. Hillbilly Mom
    July 7th, 2005 20:35

    I got a “how to clean toilet paper out of.”

    My mom never bought me a dildo, but somebody gave me one for my 22nd birthday. It was not on my wish list. The same person also gave me a hamster. What’s that all about?

  11. Bob
    July 7th, 2005 20:51

    Bob4U: so baby what u wearing
    BabyGurl69: a frown
    Bob4U: Why?
    BabyGurl69: cuz ur a creep
    Bob4U: I’m not a creep LOL, I’m yur chatdaddy
    BabyGurl69: No yr not
    Bob4U: Actually I’m a lonely AOL technician in Calcutta.
    BabyGurl69: U don’t type like ur from Germany
    Bob4U: I love you.

  12. clickmom
    July 7th, 2005 20:51

    Wow, times sure have changed, when my parents took me out to dinner the night they left me at college, my mom leaned over, put her hand on my arm, and asked “Do we need to talk about sex?” I answered “No” and that was the one and only conversation regarding sex we have ever had, and I’m 40!!

  13. rachael
    July 7th, 2005 21:28

    today, ‘thpppppt’ got someone my site. notice that is 5 p’s.

    i used to have much funnier ones, but now i usually only get stuff like ‘pregnant belly huge’ or ‘knitting baby booties’. i must not be writing ANYTHING interesting since i got pregnant! :-p

  14. Laura
    July 7th, 2005 22:22

    Sorry about the troll! Ha!

    I hope my daughter asks me to buy her a dildo. I’ll suggest she get a plain Jane vibrator instead. Maybe we’ll make a trip to San Francisco to the Good Vibrations store together. I hear they have a “fitting room” where you can try one on, so to speak. Won’t that make for good mother/daughter bonding time??? I can’t wait.

  15. Torrie
    July 7th, 2005 23:02

    Today someone found my site through a search for “donkey punch snowball cleveland steamer”.
    I am so proud.
    I love the internet.

  16. Y
    July 8th, 2005 01:35

    Bob kills me, man.

  17. Mir
    July 8th, 2005 07:48

    You are so smart. And pretty!

    I get a lot of underwear related searches on my blog. I don’t know why. I’m trying not to think about it.

  18. honey bunny
    July 8th, 2005 08:54

    man, when i got to college (1993) my friends and i would look at internet porn IN THE LIBRARY! no one was there to tell us “that’s not acceptable”, nor were there firewalls set up to protect us from the cock and balls we were giggling at. i don’t know what i’d do without Google today. i do all my shopping, reading, ssocializing, and masturbating on the internets. without it, i’d go nutty.

    ps) you’re not ugly. let me know who said that to you and i’ll kick their ass. no questions asked.

  19. honey bunny
    July 8th, 2005 08:55


    i’m still waiting for my mom to talk to me about sex, too…and i’ll be 30 in 3 months!

  20. Ninotchka
    July 8th, 2005 11:36

    AOL chat rooms? BA HA HA I knew you sounded familiar! (grin)

  21. mikey
    July 8th, 2005 15:08

    Well, when I was your age, we didn’t have DVD players in the car. In fact, I had to read books. Can you say book? Buh-uuk. We read those in the car and sometimes we played the roadsign game.

    whenever i see commercials for like, minivans with DVD players for the passengers, and all you see is the parent pour the kid in the back and turn the player on, all i can think is… “Oh yes. Make your kid watch a DVD on the way to the store. God forbid that you actually talk to your children.”

    seriously, i hate the idea of DVD players in vehicles. granted, for like, a road trip, yeah, i can see where that might come in handy. but for running errands/short trips around town? jeezus folks, how about talking to your kids?

  22. Mellissa
    July 17th, 2005 07:31

    My Dad always used to tell me to look it up. Then when I was in 12th grade, it turned into “Look it up…. and then come and tell me the answer because I don’t know either.”

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