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The Power Rangers Love Boobies

There’s a reason why so many people buy “What to Expect the First Year.” (Note to readers: don’t buy it.) Everyone is wondering “Is my child normal?”

Here’s a hint: She isn’t. That’s why reality TV is so popular.

I try to be a “laid-back mama” and not freak over what my child is or is not doing. During the past month, she’s started a new habit that had me thinking that I better call the pediatrician ASAP to ask “Is this normal?

She throws things. Not just throws, but if you put something in front of her, she chunks it over her shoulder behind her. She’ll crawl around the living room, tossing anything she finds over her shoulder. Considering our living room is the size of most people’s walk in closets, she often comes across a pile she already created and will throw that stuff, too.

Let’s just say that when she gets into these moods, I’m in “Mommy Can Do Whatever She Wants” Heaven. Every day I ask her if she’s ready to throw things because Mommy needs to sacrifice a pig so she can buy more crack.

The problem with kids is that everyone is always comparing them. So and so was walking by one but Miss E would rather crawl on the floor and eat carpet lint. That’s why I’ve been trying to increase her vocabulary. She may not walk, she may look like a boy but this child WILL scream “boobie!” when I point to my chest.

I’ve mentioned before that I am a total Chapstick addict. I have to carry one with me at all times. If I realize that I’ve lost/forgot my Chapstick I totally freak out. I’ll start licking my lips, patting my pockets and sweating lightly because my lips feel like the Mojave Desert and I’m going to DIE.

Yes, I know I need help. No, I don’t plan on getting it.

Anyway, Miss E knows that I carry my Chapstick in my tanktop bra when I’m wearing my pajamas. Every morning she comes up to me and pulls down on my top to pull the Chapstick out. Cute, yes, except for when she does it while I’m wearing normal clothes and everyone gets a look at The Girls.

Since she doesn’t have any intention of stopping soon, I figured I’d use this as a vocabulary lesson. Every time she pulls on my top and exposes a tata, I say in that Happy Mommy Voice That We Use to Declare Something That is Fun “Boobies!”

If she grabs at The Hubs’ nipple, I yell “Daddy’s Boobie!” If I touch her chest, I yell “Boobie!”

No, no. She’ll say “dog,” even though we don’t have a dog but she can’t say “boobie!”

I have heard rumors that once your kid starts talking, it never shuts up. That’s why I figure that if I have to listen to her blab on all day (gee wonder where she gets that from) that I might as well teach her to say fun things.

Considering I spouted off a long line of obscenities at the age of two (while in my Very Catholic Grandmother’s lap, nonetheless) I figured I better steer her towards the “funny” and not towards the “get mama in trouble with grandma.”

From now on, if says anything to Ellie and she disagrees, all she has to say is “That’s not what the Power Rangers say.”

29 Responses to “The Power Rangers Love Boobies”

  1. Tuesdayef
    July 6th, 2005 12:49
    1

    My daughter will NOT STOP TALKING. Man, and she is only 2.5!
    Thank goodness my son has his father’s “I will be mute because my woman says it all for both of us” gene.

  2. Hillbilly Mom
    July 6th, 2005 13:14
    2

    When my 2nd son was between 1 and 2 years old, he would reach his arm down my shirt every time I picked him up. And I wasn’t carrying anything in there, either. He’d reach his arm up to the elbow, then smile. Not only did he do it to me, but to every woman that picked him up. Guess he was practicing for later in life. He’s 7 now, and still a little perv. His repertoire includes undressing at bath time then bending over to point his butt at anybody between him and the bathroom, and taking IT out at school to show his kindergarten girlfriend. I’m sure he learned this stuff at daycare. That’s what I tell the people he pervs on, anyway.

  3. Crystal
    July 6th, 2005 13:47
    3

    Yeah, that whole NEVER SHUTS UP thing? It’s 100% true. I begged and pleaded with my son to TALK ALREADY, because he was not saying more than 10 words by 2. Two and a half came along, and I’ve not had a moment’s peace since. He never, ever, ever shuts up. Right now he’s standing 4 feet from me saying “Mommy, Daddy not home. DADDY NOT HOME! MOMMY!!! Daddy at work!! Daddy not outside.” Help!

  4. Torrie
    July 6th, 2005 13:52
    4

    When I was in kindergarten a friend brought Coca Cola flavored chapstick to school.
    I ate the whole stick.
    I think this explains a lot about me.

  5. mrtl
    July 6th, 2005 15:59
    5

    I knew a couple who taught their son how to say, “You look jus’ like a hog.”

  6. Jen
    July 6th, 2005 16:10
    6

    My husband hides my chapstick just to watch me freak out when I can’t find it. Actually, he’ll hide two chapsticks in order to see a real meltdown. Like we’re about 45 mintues into a 4 hour road trip, and I reach for the “car” chapstick, and it’s gone. My eyes may widen a little, and my fingers may clench, but I can shake it off, because I know I can just reach for my purse chapstick… AND IT’S GONE!!! And then the real panic ensues. It doesn’t fool me anymore though, because now I’m onto him. I don’t keep one in my bra though, interesting idea. And that one I would surely notice if he tried to hide.

    My top three:
    1) For daytime, cuz it has spf 15, Blistex Medicated Berry. It tastes like the name. Don’t know why I like the taste of medicated berry, but I do. And the texture is good.
    2) For in the nightstand and in the medicine cabinet, Palmer’s Cocoa Butter swivel stick. It’s like a chapstick on steroids. It’s huge! And it’s creamy, smooth, cocoa delicious.
    3) And for any other occasion, The Body Shop Cocoa Butter lip balm. I guess I really like cocoa-y lips.

  7. NinaKaye
    July 6th, 2005 18:42
    7

    My stepson didn’t talk much until he was over 3. We knew he could talk, but he just didn’t talk much…then one day he started talking and we’re STILL waiting for him to stop. The girl? We never even tried to make her talk (as the boy was going on and on). She hit 2.5 and is still going (she’ll be 3 in a couple of months). They drive me insane since I’m a quiet person. And since she insists on talking anyway, we make her say all kinds of bad stuff. She’s always calling people bitches or saying damn it! It’s fun!

  8. Eulallia
    July 6th, 2005 19:23
    8

    Glad to know there’s another Chapstick addict out there. I’ve recently taken a slight detour to using [this] because it tastes so good. It’s fun to wan to eat my face.

  9. danelle
    July 6th, 2005 19:41
    9

    My name is danelle and I am addicted to chapstick. (HI danelle!!)

    I have it in my pocket, in my backpack, in the car, in the bedroom, bathroom, living room and kitchen.

    My doctor has told me I can’t live withouut it because I use it too much. Pft!

    If I leave the house and discover for some strange reason I don’t have chapstick, I will stop at any po-dunk store to get some immediately, even if they charge $4 a tube.

    I’ve tried to stop but can’t. Ok, I haven’t really tried. Sobriety is not recovery.

  10. Sarcomical
    July 6th, 2005 20:52
    10

    my two and a half year old niece tells her brother “you know, you just really piss me off”. and she says it like she’s been doing it for 20 years.

    boobies would be kind of fun. how about wanker?

  11. clickmom
    July 6th, 2005 21:14
    11

    I have three who talk incessantly, and sometimes I just stare at all three going on and on simultaneously. You can’t even hear one of them when they do that!

    Ohh, now I need some more wine. Pass the wine!

  12. Bob
    July 6th, 2005 21:46
    12

    Madison hadn’t learned to talk before the Rottweiler bit her head off. But she did like throwing things. Oh my gosh she did! I miss my baby. You know they say the next baby shouldn’t be a replacement baby for the lost one, but you really can’t help it. I can’t give the little boy I’m carrying a M name. That would be so wrong. Babies aren’t spare tires. Not even.

  13. coffeegirl
    July 6th, 2005 22:22
    13

    Just teach her how to say POOP. That ones always fun. Especially when they say it really loud. In restaurants. Preceded by “I have to go…” Oh yeah, big fun.

  14. sherry
    July 6th, 2005 22:24
    14

    I just have to chime in with another nod that yes, they really do talk non-stop when they learn. I am proud of my almost-three-year-old daughter’s vocabulary but sometimes I’m near tears and I beg her to please play the “let’s see who can be quiet the longest” game. The only time she really stops talking for any reasonable length of time is when she’s asleep.

  15. sherry
    July 6th, 2005 22:26
    15

    Oh and also, part of the fun is teaching them that certain things they pick up are okay to say at home but not out anywhere else. We started having those conversations after she declared, at my parents’ house, “oh man, my ASS is itchy!” Every so often we remind her, at home “ass” is okay (and pretty funny really) and out of the home, “bum” is a better choice. :)

  16. Bob
    July 6th, 2005 22:30
    16

    Sherry is so correct. Teach them socially appropriate terms for ass. Then you can experience that special pride and joy of a parent out for dinner with the elderly in laws when little Madison says “Mommy! Billy’s mouth smell like bum, he gots bum breath!”

  17. Eulallia
    July 6th, 2005 23:31
    17

    I suck. Here, my husband will do the link for me this time: THIS

  18. jess
    July 7th, 2005 00:01
    18

    My 21 month old son is very fond of the booby word. When he was smaller people said “you’re going to regret teaching him that word”. They were so, totally, right. The other day I had to make a speech at my kids school and as my husband took my baby away he screamed, at the top of his lungs, throughout the whole speech - BOOOOOBBBBEEEEE. I made sure everyone knew what he was saying and got a laugh. Really, I find hearing that little “boobee” in the monitor at night cute and adorable and I love it.

  19. Lizard Queen
    July 7th, 2005 07:44
    19

    Blistex Pro Care with SPF 30 is da bomb yo!

    As for kids saying things…well ya see when you have a 3 year old and a 12 year old, your 3 year old says some interesting things when the 12 year old watches movies like anchorman…so now I have a 3 year old that says things like “You have a dirty whorish mouth” “I love scotch, scotch, scotch, scotch.” and “Go back to whore island”

    Bad thing is, my mother, their grandmother thinks it’s hilarious, so far he hasn’t said it in front of a large group yet…oh yeah and he didn’t talk all the much till he was almost a year and a half, and when he started it was short sentences, and now he never never never shuts up!

  20. Keira
    July 7th, 2005 08:09
    20

    I’m glad i’m not the only chapstick addict in the world. I even put it on in my sleep (apparently) i get mocked endlessly for it…..

  21. h.m.
    July 7th, 2005 08:50
    21

    my 5-year old cousin has learned some choice phrases from her parents. Like the other day, when they were driving, and she said “mommy, that asshole just cut you off!” They turned around and scolded her for saying a bad word, and she said “ashole isn’t a bad word. fuck is a bad word.”

  22. Torrie
    July 7th, 2005 11:05
    22

    While walking my dog this morning I saw a chapstick in the gutter and I thought of you.

  23. Amy Steier
    July 7th, 2005 11:56
    23

    Every child is different. They don’t all follow the books. My son is five months old and keeps squeezing his testicles really hard every time I try to change his diaper. The books never mentioned THAT!

  24. bob
    July 7th, 2005 12:51
    24

    Actually the books do mention that Amy. I’d recommend any good Primer on Freud and read about his concept of “castration anxiety.” Every little boy goes through it as part of Freudian Psychosexual development. Girls are not considered to have it as they are already, in a sense, castrated. They do get “penis envy” however (according to Freud). Eventually his ball grabbing will go away as he develops, but it comes raring back when a boy becomes a middle aged man, say around 30, and plays basketball in recreation or church leagues. Then there is this stunning and disturbing regression to holding your jewels like that. It seems to be prompted by events such as the old dude making a breakaway layup and turning around and giving the nuts a good tug to show what a NBA star he is. Men are funny. Damn funny.

  25. bob
    July 7th, 2005 12:54
    25

    As a further elaboration of “castration anxiety” I bet he only does it when you change his diapers and not his daddy. You see boys are scared of women at such an early age. It isn’t until much much later that you discover that the fear then was unwarranted. However, the fear NOW as you are an adult male in relationships is somewhat more valid.

  26. not bob
    July 7th, 2005 21:14
    26

    ^points up

    Am I the only one who suspects that Bob is actually SJ? Because not only does he have witty comments, but his blog is damn funny… perhaps too funny to be real…

  27. Not Sarcastic Journalist
    July 7th, 2005 21:17
    27

    As much as SJ would like to have a secret internet identity, she’s too lazy to keep anything like that up.

  28. song
    July 8th, 2005 14:14
    28

    my son never shuts up. but to keep the neighbours busy trying to call welfare I taught him to say “Holy MOther Tadpoles” if he stubs his toe and “Does daddy’s wife know he’s here” whenever a guy rocks up in a car. kids are fun.

  29. Shylah
    July 12th, 2005 04:06
    29

    You may be surprised at what your own mother will teach your child. My first word was “no” and my second was “shit”. My mom thought it was so cute that she waited (not-so-patiently) for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS just so she could teach it to MY child. Em’s first word was “uh-oh”, second word was “shit”. And today, my mother gives me “the look” when I slip and cuss in front of Em.

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