Put Some Clothes on And Call Me

Have you seen the show “Intervention?” It’s about people who are addicted to something: gambling, shopping, cutting themselves, etc. This weekend’s episode had a guy addicted to video games. Long story short, this guy was an IDIOT. The weird thing was that, at age 21, he lived with his parents and didn’t have a job. They were enabling him in his addiction.

I really got the impression that Addict Guy felt that everyone owed him something. Look at me! I’m addicted to video games! It is all YOUR FAULT that I’m addicted and all of you can kiss my butt.

So, this weekend, we were driving through the backwoods of East Texas, bypassing wooded landscapes dotted with brown horses, getting stuck behind oversized trucks (yeah, someone was trying to overcompensate for SOMETHING) and dodging sketchy roadkill.

The least the child could do was stop the whining for two hours. I mean, hello, we turned her car seat around this weekend! She even got to smoke her own cigar.

Normally there’d be a picture here but the person who has the camera is out of town for a week and I’m impatient.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t a Cuban.

Instead of rewarding her loving parents with a pleasant attitude and a nice long nap during the car ride, we got two hours of a high pitched whining noise.

Know what the problem is? She expects to get what she wants. She’s in the car seat and wants to play with mommy? Well, she should get it. She drops her cat toy for the zillionth time? She wants it back NOW.

I have a feeling some of it has to do with all of these “feel good” toys out there. Take the See N’Say. It will ask you where a certain animal, such as the horse, is. If you point to the frog, the toy says “That is a frog. Where is the horse?”

Hello! The child confused a FROG with a HORSE and all you can say is “Where is the horse?” How about “What? Are you stupid? Do you have manure for brains? I said I want to see the freakin’ horse!”

Extra points if the voice says it with a Jersey Accent.

We need more “real world” toys. Barbie should tell you that you’re fat. Your Bratz dolls should say your clothes look like they come from the garbage can. Your child’s mobile should sing “Fatty Fatty Two by Four…”

No wonder my child thinks we can just stop the car and let her climb all over us! When the Teletubbies say “Again! Again!” they get to see the video again. Won’t the baby in the sky ever tell the Teletubbies that nobody wants to watch a five minute long video of a kid painting a pumpkin?

I let her boink me in the nose with her head. I put up with her throwing blocks all over the house. I dug poop out of her butt AGAIN this weekend and what do I get? A temper tantrum because I don’t let her push the buttons on my laptop.

Hello, she’s already pushing my buttons.

I can’t wait until she’s a teen. Then, when she yells at me from upstairs, screaming that I’m “ruining (her) life!” I’ll storm up to her room, pull up my shirt and say:

“Yeah? I may have ruined your life but you’ve ruined my tits!”

20 Responses to “Put Some Clothes on And Call Me”

  1. Seriously Steph.
    July 5th, 2005 16:36

    HA! LOL on the tits comment. I will DEFINITELY have to remember that one!

    I’m having the same screaming thing with my 15 month old. Someone with daughters told me it is the “girl scream.” Lovely. My son never did this–he’d take 6-hour car rides with us and happily point out the window at the passing cars for hours. Not so, with my little girl. I’m considering taking earplugs on our next trip!

  2. Poppy
    July 5th, 2005 16:41

    I’ve been mentally composing a blog entry all day about how I feel like I’m living with and enabling a very mean drunk in the form of a 16-month-old. I empathize. I really do.

    Do you want me to send Candy Finnegan to your house when she’s done with me?

  3. ands
    July 5th, 2005 16:44

    i saw that show! well the end of it…yeah he was creeeeepy…how did he meet a cute girl like his “friend” that he totally wanted to hump?

    If you want I can scream for her?

  4. Torrie
    July 5th, 2005 17:15

    I’m glad you made sure to mention that it wasn’t a Cuban, otherwise, the trolls would have gone CRAZY.

  5. Y
    July 5th, 2005 17:44

    I wrote about that show a LOOOOONG time ago, so, I wonder where you got the idea from. Hmmmmmm.


    Also, I’ve said “tit” before.


  6. Sarcastic Journalist
    July 5th, 2005 17:47

    I’m actually going through your archives and rewording things to put on my blog. Don’t tell, k?

  7. christina
    July 5th, 2005 17:48

    that chick on the Intervention show made me mad. I mean, hello? How can you call yourself a good bulemic if you don’t even throw up?
    That video game addict boy’s eyes freaked me out.

    *I love The President’s of the United States…especially the song you got your post title from! Yay!!

  8. Crystal
    July 5th, 2005 17:59

    Hee hee! That is *so* my kids! And if Barbie is going to tell us we’re fat, I fully expect to hear her ralphing after dinner with her new boytoy. I mean, it’s only fair.

  9. Shalini
    July 5th, 2005 18:12

    Man that was a good entry… and I am so glad that we are all procreating so there is NEVER an end to the hilarity! Oh happy happy joy joy! Men should have tits, and let them sag, not us, by God not us.

  10. Tracy
    July 5th, 2005 18:44

    Hannah’s terrible two’s were going full force this weekend. Went to Crystal Beach (you should know where that is) for my Hubs family reunion. The days consisted of:
    Friday - *cry* No!
    Saturday- *cry* No!
    Sunday- *cry* No!
    Monday- *cry* No!
    She swam at the beach. Saw fireworks popping off all around her. Was entertained by her whole family and their talents of singing and playing music for days and countless of other fun activities. Yet anytime she had to do something like get changed, it was a complete fit and and screaming No all over again. While I try to find a fine line of discpline and keeping the “you should do this to her instead of that.” comments to a dull roar. They are sweet loving darlings. But, wow they sure can test your limits. I’m going to need to remember that “tit” comment as well. I know it will come in handy one day.

  11. Robotnik
    July 5th, 2005 19:27

    why not beat them with a good, strong, leather belt? I do that all the time to mine.

  12. mushster
    July 5th, 2005 20:13

    Treasure the screaming. You do NOT want a teenager … trust me!!

  13. debutaunt
    July 5th, 2005 20:28

    Shit Robotnik. Try duct tape over their mouths. It works better.

  14. Kathryn
    July 5th, 2005 23:31

    Love the tits comment. I will most definitely be using THAT one. Let’s see… three kids in four years, that’s 30 months of pregnancy (two and a half years,) and almost FOUR years of nursing. (Some of that was WHILE pregnant, damn it, that should be bonus time.)
    They owe me some damn respect!

  15. Laura
    July 6th, 2005 06:32

    Don’t tell anyone I told you this…for a long car trip…drug ‘em up. That’s right. Give ‘em a little dose of Dimetap. (besides, they constantly have the sniffles, right?).

    We drove from KC to Dallas (10 hours) with a colic-y infant and a two year old. I resorted to the Dimetap in a Burger King in Norman, Oklahoma. And I’m glad I did.

  16. Mir
    July 6th, 2005 07:20

    Will you be my mommy? :)

  17. momcast
    July 6th, 2005 08:44

    Yer cracking me up!

  18. Sierra
    July 6th, 2005 10:11

    I hate long car trips with my kids… (well I hate long car trips period but with kids it’s even worse)

    My suggestion… invest in one of those laptop DVD players and earphones for $250. Trust me! after 1 trip you will think it the best $250 you have ever spent. Kids for some reason are perfectly happy to sit in the car for hours on end watching Disney. That way your pain is limited to 5 or so minutes every hour and a half while you change the movie.

    We now have 2, (one for each kid, although we got the second one for free) and our friends with kids are regularly borrowing them for long trips.

    I’ve seen lots of anecdotal evidence that drugging can work too but be it doens’t work for our kids. They don’t sleep in the car no matter what we do and all the drugs do is make them overtired and grumpier.

  19. kim
    July 6th, 2005 20:54

    I love you.

  20. Jack's Raging Mommy
    July 6th, 2005 23:14

    I spent the weekend with a three year old who is also under the impression he gets whatever he wants. Especially if he starts his patented world’s-most-fake-cry-that-is-really-this-horrid-high-pitched-whine.
    I am gonna suck as a step mom.

  • Etc.

    • www.flickr.com