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Weight Watcher

Sometimes, I pick up my 24ish pound 11-month old and say “Woah, Chunk!”

Chunky babies are cute. You can snuggle them and grab their little thighs and say “Aww, I love chunky babies.” Note I said babies. Seeing as July 12th will mark the day my child becomes a “toddler” (lets not get into the fact that she’s not walking on her own, more than 5 steps, they call her a toddler–WHATEVER) and nobody ever says “Look at the cute, chubby toddler!”

So, starting tonight, my child has gone on a very strict diet.

It started innocently enough. The Hubs and I were eating Spicy Chicken, squash sauteed in butter and olive oil and a salad with blue cheese vinaigrette. I didn’t want Miss E to have spicy chicken, lotsa butter or blue cheese so we gave her some left over spaghetti.

She liked it a little too much.

No more spaghetti for her! We’ve been giving her formula/whole milk for a few days now but I think I’m going to put a halt on the whole milk. From now on, it is skim milk and Crystal Light every day.

I know that milk is good for her, but we just can’t have a baby drinking something so fattening. If I don’t stop her now, I’ll be hugging her when she’s 10 and saying “I can pinch an inch!”

I don’t have the time needed to point out all my child’s flaws every freaking day.

I know that it is very easy to get people riled up on the internet. This is about HEALTH. This is about me walking around with my child and not getting embarrassed because she is chubby.

Luckily, she started spitting up this week. She’s not the type of baby that spits up so it made me wonder what was going on. Then I realized that this messy spitup was a blessing in disguise. I wouldn’t have to teach her how to throw up!

I was planning on having a cake for her birthday, but I don’t think that’s possible. Do we really want to start the part of her life that is measured in years, not months, on a bad foot? NO! Therefore, I’m going to bake her an apple and top it with a tablespoon of fat free whipped cream.

After that, I’m starting her on the macrobiotic diet. You don’t get to looking like Gwyneth by eating Cheetos.

(BTW, Internet. Don’t you worry about little Jizzy. I’ve been busy eating only McDonalds and sticks of butter since I found out about getting knocked up. I hear all those oils are good for brain development. Also, since I think its a boy, I won’t have to worry about putting him on a diet because why worry about a boy’s weight? Hello, girls should be skinny and pretty while boys go out and act like a stud.)

44 Responses to “Weight Watcher”

  1. Jack's Raging Mommy
    June 29th, 2005 20:00
    1

    tee hee. You’re funny
    You should hear the voice I say that in, it makes it better.

  2. Carmen
    June 29th, 2005 20:26
    2

    Maybe, for your daughter’s birthday, you could get her some Spanx. That way, you could hide the little tummy that she’s growing.

    Oh, and the Crystal Light? Diet Tang tastes much better, and has *no* calories. I’d either stick with that, or the Coke Zero. Can never start them too young, I say.

  3. Y
    June 29th, 2005 20:27
    3

    Yes. Give her a complex about her weight EARLY, so she doesn’t grow up to look like me!

  4. RisibleGirl
    June 29th, 2005 20:40
    4

    Holy hell woman, you are so funny. Poke poke poke the trolls. I can’t wait to see what happens. You don’t mind if I stalk you for a while, do you?

    Sad thing is, my mother really DID do that with my sister when she was 6 months old. Whole ‘nuther story there….

  5. Kami
    June 29th, 2005 20:47
    5

    You’re so bad! ;) Oh, and my son just turned three, and he’s still my baby. I think you’re safe with “baby” until two, chubby or not.

  6. Jennifer
    June 29th, 2005 21:01
    6

    I cannot believe you are eating McDonalds and sticks of butter while pregnant! Shame on you! You should stick to vodka and crack like me.

  7. Heatheranne
    June 29th, 2005 21:10
    7

    You know what I found worked for my son? Instead of introducing solid foods, I just kept him on a liquid diet until he was in the first grade and discovered food. I also heard that if you slip water pills and laxatives in the food it works wonders.

  8. Sarcastic Journalist
    June 29th, 2005 21:11
    8

    Y, she said she thinks you are beautiful and wants to look like you. Jennifer, I can’t get any vodka because the liquor store has kicked me out for selling crack in front of it.

  9. michaela
    June 29th, 2005 21:23
    9

    hee hee.

  10. michaela
    June 29th, 2005 21:23
    10

    hee hee.

  11. Dee
    June 29th, 2005 21:23
    11

    hee hee, like JRM said,” You so FUNNY!”

    Oh and look what I found! You could maybe use HB to decorate your site! hahaha

    lookee here: http://www.wickedcoolstuff.com/habutinsi.html

  12. Laura
    June 29th, 2005 21:37
    12

    Teach her to do what the models do…smoke and eat cotton balls to trick her hunger. She’ll be emaciated in no time.
    Do they have kiddie cocaine straws at Babies R Us? Maybe you could market them. You can have them made in pink and purple…maybe with sparkles.

  13. Crystal
    June 29th, 2005 21:37
    13

    Heh… imagine the hate mail people started writing during the fist half of this post. You want to know something frightening? My daughter is 3, and only weighs 24 lbs. She hasn’t gained weight in forever, even though she eats well and drinks whole milk. Her twin brother is a hoss, but then again Shane never met a cookie he didn’t love. It kills me when people say “She’s SOOO TINY!!!!”, it’s not like I don’t feed the poor kid!

  14. Em
    June 29th, 2005 21:44
    14

    A tip: heroin is great for keeping one’s weight down. But remember - clean needles only. You have to teach these kids the healthy way.

  15. christina
    June 29th, 2005 22:01
    15

    I say feed her whatever she wants…just get her on a coke habit. That’s how my baby is keeping her weight down. Plus,she now snorts enough to curb that hunger anyway.

  16. Chuck
    June 29th, 2005 22:03
    16

    Well our ball of junk is the same age and same size, so I have now stopped worrying. I figure if she is not alone then all is well. ehhe good post though, wonder how many people actually did not get it.

  17. Karla
    June 29th, 2005 22:21
    17

    I love your site! Just found it today; now I have a lot of reading to do to catch up on everything you’ve written here. I noticed in your About Me section you say you hated Blogger, which has me worried. I have a fairly new blog, and it’s on Blogger. So what did you hate about it? If it sucks, maybe I should get off there now and use a different blog doohickey. I don’t want to waste all my genius witticisms on a bag blog service.

  18. Sarcastic Journalist
    June 29th, 2005 22:26
    18

    Karla, I’d email you back but my email is down. I don’t know why I don’t like blogger, I just don’t. I don’t “avoid” blogger blogs….I guess it is just personal opinion. There’s lots of blogging services (MT, WP, Blogger) to use and I guess its just finding a good one.

  19. Mieke
    June 29th, 2005 22:46
    19

    Don’t start her on a diet unless your pediatrician is concerned.Most kids at 12 months weigh between 20- 25 pounds. In the next five months she’s going to shoot up anyway. Don’t start obsessing about weight at this age. Let her eat what she wants.

    You were kidding about Crystal Light right?

    Jonas and Gabo are both below the 5th percentile for weight. I used to worry about it, but followed our pediatrician’s lead. If they are growing who cares. They are just skinny ass kids. Except for they look like skeletor compared to others. It’s hard not to freak out, but then Gabo has a friend who is also 18 months and she weighs 39 pounds. You read that right. 39! They are the same height. Her pediatrician isn’t worried. It all evens out in the end. You’re not feeding you kid Twinkies or ho hos right? So relax. Don’t give the babe a complex.

  20. jessca
    June 30th, 2005 00:52
    20

    And the award for First Commenter Who Doesn’t Get It goes to…

  21. Jessica
    June 30th, 2005 03:30
    21

    Your worried about Miss E weighing that much at 11 months? Hell, Jason weighs 20 pounds right now and he’s only five months old.

    Guess that means I should start him on a Coke Zero and crack diet…

  22. Jessica
    June 30th, 2005 03:30
    22

    The above comment should have started with “You’re” not “Your”. Sorry, I’m quite high right now.

  23. tabby
    June 30th, 2005 06:32
    23

    Although your attempt at Irony is noted, you should be aware that adult obesity usually starts in childhood,

  24. Stacey
    June 30th, 2005 08:20
    24

    Great post. Scary thing is that my MIL would agree w/ everything you just wrote and she would be dead serious!

  25. honey bunny
    June 30th, 2005 08:33
    25

    SJ, you crack me up! and i love the idea about spanx. i know ellie would loof fab in spanx :)

    even though i know you’re kidding, just promise me that no matter what size your little ones grow to be, do not puff out your cheeks, use your finger to turn up your nose, bug out your eyes, and then loudly yell “OINK! OINK!”. promise? because that’s what my mom did to me almost every day of my life. it’s probably the reason i’ve got massive body issues today. but the irony? she’s a lardass herself.

  26. peefer
    June 30th, 2005 09:05
    26

    I am SOOOOO happy that (almost) everybody sees the humour in starving a baby as much as me. My confidence in humanity is now restored. Keep ‘em coming SJ!

  27. Sierra
    June 30th, 2005 09:40
    27

    LOL… Great post…thanks Journalist.

    tabby— trust me on this one. except in extremely rare and ususally medical related cases, you do NOT have to worry about obesity until your kid is 5~6. for those who are not parents and “don’t get it” kids are naturally chunky up to the point where they figure out that playing is as much fun as eating and then you literatly have to force food down their throats to keep them from swinging into the Anorexia Nervosa regieme. And thats if your lucky… Heaven help you if you get a kid who’s definition f a balanced meal is coduments. *sigh*

  28. Erin
    June 30th, 2005 09:45
    28

    Speed is great for keeping the extra poundage off, although getting her to nap might be an issue then. I say cigarettes and diet coke - that how I did it for many a year. Although, if she’s anything like mine (same age, same size), she’ll eat the cigarette and pour the diet coke on the carpet.

  29. -A-
    June 30th, 2005 09:55
    29

    So, the pregnancy diet is vodka and coke, right? Damn it, I have to leave the city to get the vodka, but I think there’s a coke dealer down the street. I’ve already stocked up on the sticks of butter.

    My “baby” who turns 2 in August weighs about 25 lbs. More twinkies for her! And a big birthday cake.

  30. Mir
    June 30th, 2005 10:12
    30

    Fortunately, I’m quite thin and so are the kids, so this has never been an issue for us.

    I mean, it’s bad enough the way my daughter screams when I hold her down to wax her eyebrows. I tell her it’s for her own good, but damn if she doesn’t act like she’s being tortured or something.

  31. bob
    June 30th, 2005 10:26
    31

    Madison is a little piggy too. God she’s such a brat this morning. I started my third tri and you’d think she’d be happy she’s getting a brother soon. I can’t pee. I want to spank her little ass. I hope her brother grows fast and beats her up when she’s like this.

  32. surburban misfit
    June 30th, 2005 11:02
    32

    Excellent! It’s great that she learned the puking all by herself. You wouldn’t believe how difficult it is to stick your fingers down a toddler’s throat. But my daughter is five now and weighs 30 lbs. SO worth it.

    (But how annoying is it for me when EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVERYWHERE says, “Wow, she’s so tiny!” as if it’s MY fault, as if I don’t feed her, as if I wouldn’t do just about anything to get some chunk on her. Jerks.)

  33. Lassa
    June 30th, 2005 11:08
    33

    You’re so funny. My middle child was 24 pounds at 6 months old, and I’m not kidding! I once even threw my back out picking her up.
    Now she’s eleven and not an ounce of fat on her. Go figure!

  34. Kathryn
    June 30th, 2005 11:17
    34

    My oldest kid was chubby too. I just stopped feeding her. She would cry and cry and say, “Mama, I’m hungry,” I would just look at her and say, “You’ll thank me when you’re older.” She’s ten now and wears a size 6X; mission accomplished!

  35. Erin
    June 30th, 2005 12:03
    35

    ROFLMAO! Some of these comments are as funny as the original post!! Personally, I am trying to beef up my 15-month-old, 21-pound boy with steroids and protein shakes… ;)

  36. Stefanie
    June 30th, 2005 12:17
    36

    I’m sorry, but I don’t see the humor in this that everyone else seems to. Little babies should never be restricted in their calories or fat. UNLESS they are doing baby modeling, which my 7 month old is — totally her choice but my husband and I support her 100% in anything she wants to do. It does cost a fortune in spray tanning and butt shaping Pampers though.

  37. Torrie
    June 30th, 2005 12:28
    37

    Oh, I love it!
    Stefanie, you almost had me!

    Let the games begin!

  38. Sarcastic Journalist
    June 30th, 2005 12:34
    38

    Stefanie,

    You had me, too! You’re my new hero.

  39. Traci
    June 30th, 2005 13:22
    39

    Good one, Stefanie! Do those butt shaping Pampers have a tummy control panel too? Now THERE’S a marketable product.

  40. Shylah
    June 30th, 2005 13:27
    40

    I think I might be a little bit in love with you, SJ. Will you teach my three-year-old how to puke, too?

  41. Sandy
    June 30th, 2005 17:30
    41

    This post and most of the comments are funny. But, on a serious note, I do think there are a lot of kids who are taught very early to have an unhealthy relationship to food. I know my cousin is one. Her parents had her on a diet from the time she was 2 years old, and were on her about her weight constantly from 2 years right up until today. She is 18. And guess what, food is comfort to her, because it’s not always making sideways comments about her weight, or how good fat-free foods taste, or how fun it is it exercise. And guess what–all those years of making her feel bad about food resulted in an overweight (but in all respects beautiful and wonderful) young woman. Too bad the ‘rents can’t see past the fat.

  42. cas
    June 30th, 2005 20:48
    42

    I think you should restrict E to a diet of floor fluff and poop. (ie. recycled floor fluff).

    Meanwhile Nell is 12.5 lbs….I think I should cut back on her breastfeeding….

  43. bob
    June 30th, 2005 20:59
    43

    Oh gosh! Madison never overeats. I just put on an album by the Carpenters and she pushes my titty away. Plus I’ve got some dvd’s of the Olsens. She just giggles and spits up. God she’s sweet.

  44. Susie
    June 30th, 2005 21:22
    44

    Listen - I have a 26lb 10 month old who is taller than most toddlers. He has these gorgeous arm rolls. The ones on his legs have disappeared mostly - no more ham hocks. If one more asswipe tells me “He likes to eat, huh?” I’m going to feed them to him. I park his ass in front of the tv every day for Pilates with Mari Winsor. One of us has got to do it and I’m too busy with my cheesy poufs. ;-)

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