Hormonally Challenged

I’m not exactly the most level headed person. I totally expect to become that Mom who kicks the kid’s butt on the playground after he trips my child and makes her fall. I’ll throw lemonade in the PTA President’s face and then I’ll laugh about it on the ‘net.

Actually, in person, in the real world, I’m very “normal.” I don’t have outbursts and I’m not one to confront someone who cuts in line.

Get me home, however, and The Crazy comes out. The Crazy is what makes me imagine horrible scenarios the second The Hubs comes home from work two minutes late. Let me just say that The Pregnant Crazy makes The Crazy look like Little Orphan Annie.

The Pregnant Crazy writes blog posts that end up on the front page of The Washington Post. Yeah, not because they’re great but because The Pregnant Crazy insults everyone who pisses her off and gets fired for it.

When I’m just “normal” crazy, I lay on the couch and silently sob about how everyone hates me. Pregnant Crazy means I cover myself in aluminum foil so the aliens don’t sneak into my uterus and turn my baby into a cow.

The Pregnant Crazy made a triumphant return this weekend, the weekend that shall go down as The Weekend My Husband Should Have Divorced Me.

So I cried about not having sour cream. And I started crying 30 minutes before he left to go play games with his friends, begging him not to go. Then I’d turn around and say “I’m fine. Go. Go. I don’t want you here.”

The Pregnant Crazy was surprisingly okay with her movie (Bewitched) that she went to see by herself breaking within the first five minutes. She was okay with her car battery dying in the parking lot once she left the movies. She was not, however, okay when her husband showed up at the mall to pick her up earlier than expected.

The Pregnant Crazy screams things like “Would you speak to your boss that way?” and “I feel like I’m on the stupid cruise and you’re the cruise director!”

The Pregnant Crazy goes to Sephora at the mall and does an entire face of makeup with their samples. When the salespeople ask the PC if she needs help a thousand times, she finally looks at them and says “I’m just here to put on makeup.”

I’ve mentioned to “my therapist” that having The Pregnant Crazy this time around is weird because I don’t have anything to blame it on. Man, last time I was so in denial about The Crazy. Sure, I worked with complete Whack Jobs that pissed me off to no end, but um, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned quite as loudly just how much everyone pissed me off.

Luckily for me, and boy do I mean LUCKILY, I am married to The Coolest Guy. He’s the yin to my yang. He’s calm and levelheaded and it takes a lot to get him mad. That’s a good thing, especially when I break a cardinal rule of our marriage and tell him to um, “F” off. In front of a friend. We just don’t say anything to each other that involves the “f” word.

Then I demanded that he buy me Pizza Hut Dippin’ Strips. At 9pm. (Don’t worry, I shared.)

So, on Sunday, after I accused him of ignoring me (gee, I wonder why) and told him that “Jesus called and he said he doesn’t want you to go to church with us,” he told me something that explained why he hadn’t kicked me to the curb.

“You’re pregnant and hormonal. You’ve got 7 more months to say rude things to me without hurting my feelings.”

The end. I’m very happy I married him and that he can tell between The Pregnant Crazy and Just Being a Bitch.

PS, I have to tell you this little convo we also had because it made me laff.

SJ: “You’re ignoring me! I asked you something and you looked at the TV.”
Him: “I did not. I didn’t have an answer.”
SJ: “Would you talk to your boss that way? I deserve respect!”
Him: “I do not talk to you and the boss in the same way. Do you talk to me and Ellie the same way?”
SJ: “YES!”
Him: “Yes, you look at me and say very slowly, over and over ‘Book. Booo-kkk. Buh-ook.’”

33 Comments

  1. “Jesus called and said he doesn’t want you to go to church with us”

    I’m telling Jesus you’re speaking for him AND using him to be mean to your husband.

    BUSTED.

    Comment by Y — 6/28/2005 @ 10:59 pm

  2. awww…poor girl. sounds like you’re having a real ball with this whole second pregnancy thing. ;) but knowing you, you’ll find a way to make it all funny in the end.

    and sorry about all the crap you’re taking. i just don’t understand why people are so excited about telling other people that they don’t like them or what they’re doing. who cares? just do what you do; ignore those nimwads.

    hope today isn’t a crying day!

    Comment by Sarcomical — 6/28/2005 @ 10:59 pm

  3. The conversation made me laugh so hard I almost peed. Joe and I had that conversation so many times when I was pregnant. Paired with the “How can you not hear everything I’ve said for the last ten minutes?” “I had five sisters” conversation.
    Patient menfolk are miracles, are they not?

    Comment by Jack’s Raging Mommy — 6/28/2005 @ 11:12 pm

  4. I’m totally cracking up, because we’re now trying to get pregnant, and my husband hasn’t ever seen Pregnant Crazy me so he’s in for a treat. Have some chocolate, SJ. Or pizza. Or whatever makes you happy. You’re lucky to have such an awesome husband.

    Comment by Crystal — 6/29/2005 @ 1:02 am

  5. I grew up as the only intact boy in my area. I owe my good fortune to having unusually savvy parents. When a nurse came to take me to be circumcised, my parents said no because no male in my family had ever been circumcised or had any problems with his foreskin. Also, my grandfather was a druggist and had had to correct physicians’ prescriptions so that the doctors didn’t injure or kill their patients. At a time when most people treated doctors as if they were gods, my parents knew better.
    My foreskin was long and tapered well into puberty. As a kid, I enjoyed looking into the tube and wondering where it went. I didn’t see my urethral opening until I was about 12 and didn’t see the corona of my glans until I was 16. Even into my 20’s, the opening during erection was only about one-quarter inch across. I could stretch it but not enough to slip it back over the glans.

    I let my foreskin develop naturally partly because I didn’t know any other intact guys and therefore didn’t know there was anything unusual about my penis. When I was a freshman in high school, I noticed one other intact boy in the locker room and was surprised that his foreskin wasn’t long like mine. But I had no reason to think his penis was more typical than mine.

    I was in no hurry to stretch my foreskin because I had enough skin to comfortably accommodate an erection and it was elastic enough that masturbation was pleasurable.

    The first time I heard a circumcised college roommate masturbating in the upper bunk, I didn’t know what he was doing because his masturbation was so violent that it didn’t seem like the same peaceful, quiet activity as mine.
    In my 20’s, I was dating and enjoying sexual intimacy, including heavy petting, and wanted to begin sexual intercourse. I contemplated a moderate circumcision, just having the tight ring cut off, so that the remaining foreskin would slip all the way back. I didn’t know at the time that this would have destroyed a great number of erogenous nerve endings. I also didn’t know that doctors often ignore requests for a moderate circumcision and cut off the entire foreskin. In any case, before resorting to circumcision I wanted to try stretching. As a child, I had seen pictures of African Ubangis who had stretched their lips to six or more inches across. If they could stretch their lips, surely I could stretch my foreskin.

    At first, I tried to retract it when my penis was flaccid but I became almost instantly erect. So I started stretching gently every evening with my penis erect. What I did was very simple. I didn’t use lubricant. I encircled my penis between my thumb, which I placed at the corona, and my index and middle fingers, which I pressed against the underside of my penis in the area of the frenulum and urethra, and gently pulled my foreskin back. I pulled until there would have been discomfort if I had pulled any harder, then let it return to its relaxed forward position over the glans. I repeated this for about ten minutes, then masturbated to ejaculation. I let the semen remain in my foreskin until I showered the next morning. Perhaps hyaluronidase in the semen helped loosen my foreskin, because this enzyme is a potent skin relaxer. After about five months, I could retract my foreskin all the way with no discomfort.

    That was over 30 years ago, and I have never had a single problem with my penis during all the years since. I’ve never had a problem with smegma build-up even though I couldn’t wash completely under my foreskin for many years.

    I have always been glad I stretched my foreskin because I’ve found that a fully retractable foreskin makes entering a vagina easier and more comfortable and sexual intercourse more enjoyable for both me and my wife. As I start to enter her, my outer foreskin, which has no natural lubrication, comes into contact with her outer unlubricated labia and is held there a moment by friction. As I continue to enter slowly, this friction causes my naturally lubricated glans to slip out of my foreskin and past my wife’s naturally lubricated inner labia into her vagina. The smooth, lubricated inner foreskin follows the glans past the inner labia and into the vagina smoothly and pleasurably, without friction.

    For many men, the foreskin undoubtedly slips back and forth over the glans during intercourse as they thrust in and out. But because my glans is unusually wide and my corona rather pronounced, once my foreskin retracts, it stays back until I slip it forward again. During intercourse, my foreskin remains behind the glans. Because of the abundance of supple skin on the shaft (both foreskin and shaft skin) and because we are both naturally lubricated, intercourse is very comfortable for us both.

    Even if stretching had not worked, I now know that there are other simple ways to safely make a tight foreskin retractable without cutting, including, for example, topical application of the common steroid cream, beta methasone valerate 0.05%.

    Comment by Jesse — 6/29/2005 @ 1:15 am

  6. oh, lord - i was so afraid my new husband would leave me after finding out about MY version of pregnant crazy, since he knocked me up on our honeymoon, hahaha. thankfully he seems to be way more like your hubby - you’re-hormonal-right-now-so-you’re-not-really-hurting-my-feelings. ’s probably a good thing he is gone a lot with his job!

    Comment by rachael — 6/29/2005 @ 8:00 am

  7. oh, and something is wrong with your mysql database, but i’m sure you can see that. lol.

    Comment by rachael — 6/29/2005 @ 8:01 am

  8. When I was pregnant I stopped talkign to my husband for hours because he said the “C” word ( chicken) which had already been banned from our vocabulary the minute I got pregnant.

    Men!

    Comment by Tuesdayef — 6/29/2005 @ 8:28 am

  9. Too funny! Although the hubs and I tell each other to F off all the time, it’s become a term of endearment.

    Hang in there and have fun with the crazy, better to laugh than cry-right?

    M

    Comment by Demented Michelle — 6/29/2005 @ 8:39 am

  10. A good husband is one who knows that, when pregnant, his normal-crazy wife has left the building, and Pandora has taken her place.

    SJ, you’re lucky to have a good husband, but remember this: it will be HIS turn to be pregnant-crazy when the child is 2.

    Comment by peefer — 6/29/2005 @ 9:19 am

  11. Your hubby is cool. I can only hope mine will be as cool when the time comes.

    Comment by Chika — 6/29/2005 @ 10:01 am

  12. Ah, “Pregnant Crazy", I remember her. I can’t believe I am still alive, I mean, that we are all still alive after she inhabited my body, not once, but twice.

    Comment by beth — 6/29/2005 @ 11:01 am

  13. “And I started crying 30 minutes before he left to go play games with his friends, begging him not to go. Then I’d turn around and say “I’m fine. Go. Go. I don’t want you here.”

    I do that shit, and I’m not pregnant. I think that if my husband saw my PC, he’d kill me. Thank god I went through that before I met him!

    Comment by Heatheranne — 6/29/2005 @ 12:47 pm

  14. Pregnancy sucks.
    The eating whatever you want is cool though.
    I had three babies in four years, let me know if you need the scoop on anything, (plus I’m a doula, that’s a word that means someone who helps women during prenancy and birth, it’s fancy, I know.)

    Comment by Kathryn — 6/29/2005 @ 1:01 pm

  15. HA HA HA I’m so there with you. I think I’ve already told you that Guy has coined this “The Angry Pregnancy.”

    Um. Yeah. That.

    Comment by Ninotchka — 6/29/2005 @ 1:14 pm

  16. Man, I remember the pregnant crazy. I would go off about any little thing. Then I’d cry for twenty minutes and be perfectly fine for about two hours. Ah, memories. I’m sure my family would love to forget that though.

    Comment by Jessica — 6/29/2005 @ 1:54 pm

  17. “Jesus called and he said he doesn’t want you to go to church with us”

    holy fucking christ on a cross, that made me laugh my blessed ass off!

    i gotta use that, SJ!

    Comment by honey bunny — 6/29/2005 @ 2:02 pm

  18. SJ, I am gonna have to get a new chair if I wet myself one more time.
    Wait a minute, you mean act like that ONLY when you’re pregnant?
    Nobody told me I had to stop that after the baby was born, oooops!
    Signed,
    Over the top and staying there,
    clickmom

    Comment by clickmom — 6/29/2005 @ 2:06 pm

  19. I told hubs once I wanted to be a surrogate uterus for someone who couldn’t have a baby. He said hell no I am not risking getting my balls cut off for someone else’s baby. I never realized I was THAT hormonal. I guess it is in all of us.

    Comment by Moxie — 6/29/2005 @ 2:27 pm

  20. Ahhh, The pregnant Crazy - I remember it well. Three times. My husband was afraid.

    With everything we go through between pregnancy, childbirth, and baby-raising it’s amazing that any of us are stupid enough to have more than one.

    Comment by kim — 6/29/2005 @ 4:13 pm

  21. I don’t think pregnant crazy compares with an 870 word comment on ones own foreskin (see #5 above). (yeah, I got all compulsive and pasted to Word and counted)

    Sorry, Jesse. I’m sure you meant well with that long ass comment, but it nearly made me hork.

    I don’t want to know anymore about anyfuckingbody’s foreskin or lack thereof.

    SJ, can you make this a foreskin free zone from now on? Or is smegma the new pick? I had no idea?

    Comment by debutaunt — 6/29/2005 @ 5:07 pm

  22. damn. one letter off and the joke loses it’s punch. PINK. THE NEW PINK.

    Comment by debutaunt — 6/29/2005 @ 5:18 pm

  23. okay i saw that and approved it but haven’t read it. I will now.

    PEOPLE: THIS IS A FORESKIN FREE ZONE. Unless you are joking about foreskins, then by all means write about it.

    Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — 6/29/2005 @ 5:29 pm

  24. Okay i got thru half of that and almost vomited. I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ABOUT ANYONE MASTURBATING OR HAVING ERECTIONS OR FORESKIN ANYMORE.

    Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — 6/29/2005 @ 5:31 pm

  25. I was reading the comments and read through Jesse’s whole post while cracking up laughing and then proceeded to get more and more incredulous as everyone else commented WITHOUT MENTIONING HIS POST!!! Thank you Debutaunt! All the rest of you, how could you let the crazy slide?!?!?!

    Comment by halloweenlover — 6/29/2005 @ 5:57 pm

  26. no, no, I can’t stop laughing. Seriously, you have to read the whole thing. Like when he talked about leaving his semen inside the flap all night! GAG BLECH VOMIT.

    Comment by halloweenlover — 6/29/2005 @ 5:58 pm

  27. I was actually weirdly fascinated until I got to the part about leaving the semen there until morning. That’s where I puked. Sorry ’bout that.

    So, uh, I was gonna say something along the lines of how your hubby sounds like a keeper, but now I have to go make some pro-circumcision posters, instead. ;)

    Comment by Mir — 6/29/2005 @ 6:18 pm

  28. Satan called and said thank you for spreading Pregnant Crazy Evilness, and that he couldn’t do it better himself.

    *sheilds face from green projectile vomit*

    *runs away*

    Comment by Susan — 6/29/2005 @ 6:31 pm

  29. Jesse is a friend. Yeah, I know he’s been a good friend of mine…

    Comment by Y — 6/29/2005 @ 6:39 pm

  30. SJ, I tried posting this on your last post, because it looked so lonely-didn’t work. (You are obviously aware of the problems you’re Rss feed is having.) Anyway, check out this link, I think you could add this to your site decor!

    http://www.wickedcoolstuff.com/habutinsi.html

    HB is one of my favorites!

    Comment by Dee — 6/29/2005 @ 6:54 pm

  31. Actually, I had to approve his post so it came on late in the game. Weirdly, the post goes to where it was in line and not to the end of the comments.

    So everyone actually missed the fun!

    Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — 6/29/2005 @ 7:25 pm

  32. Ahhh….you made me laugh this morning. Made me laugh at work, laughing at work is strongly prohibited!

    But I loved Mr. S.J.’s response, couldn’t help it!

    Comment by Emily — 6/29/2005 @ 7:26 pm

  33. No. I couldn’t pass that one up. I couldn’t pass it up so much I had to blog it for posterity.

    At least it was much more interesting than pictures of my under eye baggage and the protein shake spooge that is leftover on my tongue.

    I say pregnancy crazy - go full on crazy. Because after you give birth, it’s your kid’s turn to drive you nuts and it’s not “acceptable” to go nuts. Just ask Tom Cruise. He’ll hand you some gummy vitamins.

    Comment by debutaunt — 6/29/2005 @ 9:57 pm

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