Moving on…

I am so glad that nobody has an opinion on the old snippage of the weiner. Whew. THAT went over well. Before I continue on, NOBODY is making any decisions for me. I merely wanted to see who is snipping and who isn’t as I don’t know anyone with babies.

And, you know, those ladies at the mall keep getting mad when I ask if their sons are “intact.” HA!

So, onto more controversial subjects, my little sluts and dumb people. (BTW, I love all you guys. You make me laff so very hard. Hard like a wang.)

In case you didn’t know, Miss E’s first birthday is coming up on July 12. Yup, my Crotch Fruit is going to be one! One whole year old. Next thing you know, she’ll be asking me to buy her birth control and will be sneaking in and out her window to play tonsil hockey with Neighbor Johnny.

We didn’t buy her anything for Christmas, an act that several people did not approve of. Why? I mean, hello, the child has way too many toys and I couldn’t really think of anything to get her. Besides, we had to buy presents for everyone else so Santa said “See ya, on to the next house.”

The Hubs did not want to give Miss E a birthday party because he was like “Why? She won’t remember.” But, hello, I am pregnant and I want cake and I want cake NOW so we are having parties.

Three, to be exact.

I have to buy my child a birthday present because I am a Nice Mommy and Nice Mommies buy presents and eat lots of cake. She now likes the Teletubbies because ha, Mommy likes to sleep in in the mornings and Tinky Winky and Po keep her occupied for at least 30 minutes. She also likes the Cartoon Network’s “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends” but I don’t think I’ll be getting her the boxed set of that anytime soon.

Dr. Phil doesn’t have a doll and she’s too small for the Sit and be Fit t-shirts.

I am going to get my child a CD player for her birthday! Yeah, that’s right. She’s gonna be rocking it in her crib like DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. Partying like 1999 or whatever.

She’s really into music so I figured I’d buy her some CDs. Elton John, Mozart and Weezer, perhaps, you know, to keep it real.

I’m out of it, though. I’ve never seen the Boobahs or whatever they are and I have no idea who is on Sesame Street. I don’t know what the hell a “hollaback girl” is and I’m not down with the gang signs.

Should I be the “cool mom” and serve everyone (including Ellie) alcohol? I mean, if she’s going to drink it, I’d rather she do it with me. (Hell yeah, I drink during pregnancy! Doesn’t everyone?) Would a stripper be too much? How about a Teletubby stripper?

I just want to make her like me. I think the Teletubby stripper could do it.

I guess the Teletubby stripper is cool, as long as he doesn’t try to show us his “Tubby Custard.”

31 Responses to “Moving on…”

  1. Brandi
    June 27th, 2005 21:56

    I have a stripper name; I could take the job!

  2. Laura
    June 27th, 2005 22:01

    Give Miss E some booze in her bottle. She’ll take a nice long nap. You’ll be golden.

  3. Chuck
    June 27th, 2005 22:05

    I am interested in what you do this time, cause well as we all know my llittle girl is a day older (and ohhh so cuter… somtimes). But we of course have the others who will expect somthing so I guess we will end up with some now noisemaker here till I find a place to hide it. Just be glad you only have the one birthday to worry about, we have one in almost every month.

  4. ands
    June 27th, 2005 22:19

    Get her a keg!!!

  5. Y
    June 27th, 2005 22:35

    I’m planning Gabby’s party this week. It’s going to be a “penis mutilation” theme. I’m going to make party bags with sausages with the skin on, knives and vaseline. It’s going to be awesome.

    I’m sorry, I’m not ready to move on yet. That was the funniest thread I’ve read in a long time.

  6. Sarcomical
    June 27th, 2005 23:01

    awww, what a Nice Mommy you are. thank god for those psycho bearmonkeys-with-strange-things-on-their-heads. kids love those.

  7. Moxie
    June 27th, 2005 23:07

    Um, you forgot about a fat sack and a sweet bong. Dude what kind of mother are you forgetting such an important ingredient to having a kick ass party? Some people.

  8. Jessica
    June 27th, 2005 23:37


  9. christina
    June 28th, 2005 00:08

    sorry, I have no suggestions. Still laughing over “crotch fruit”

  10. jessca
    June 28th, 2005 00:15

    Oh my god, I think “hello, I am pregnant and I want cake and I want cake NOW so we are having parties” might be the best sentence I have ever read. And I’m also picturing Teletubby strippers trying to spray you with their Tubby Custard (sorry if that went to a gross place LOL). This entry is hilarious! Thank you for brightning my evening with your weblog :D

  11. Crystal
    June 28th, 2005 00:47

    Party at SJ’s!!

  12. The Merry Widow
    June 28th, 2005 01:19

    My birthday is in July too! Maybe Miss E and I can have a joint b-day party. I’m totally in to stripper teletubbies. Just as long as they don’t get their tubby custard on my carpet.

  13. jenB
    June 28th, 2005 03:01

    i figure as long as there is cake, she doesn’t give a crap about anything else. and that “tubby custard” is just an unnatural shade of pink. *barf*

  14. Fellow Eskimo
    June 28th, 2005 06:16

    Birthdays should be for mothers…they were the ones in labor!

  15. Di
    June 28th, 2005 07:24

    You should do keg stands. Get her started early and prepared for college.

  16. Stacey
    June 28th, 2005 07:45

    BTW - I think you’re totally normal for not buying her Christmas presents this year. We did the same thing w/ my son the first Christmas and I don’t think we bought him anything (of significance at least) for his 1st b-day. They get and already have to much crap, why bother, when they don’t really remember? There will be plenty of years to make up for it. Enjoy the party and the cake.

  17. Tuesdayef
    June 28th, 2005 07:57

    Teletubbies strippers are a great idea. But not the green one, he is gay.

  18. clickmom
    June 28th, 2005 08:16

    All she wants is the sweet treat, shove a hat on top of her, take some pics, and do your own thing.

    regarding the music: start early and she will favor what ever you like. There is no kid music in this house, my kids are more likely to be humming some classic rock, old jazz, or maybe Ray Charles. As I was looking through my 8 year olds “response journal” that came home last week with all the other clutter in his desk, I happened upon these lyrics “what do I do when lighting strikes me? What do I have to do to be heard? What do I say when it’s all over? And sorry seems to be the hardest word.” Somehow I don’t think Elton John songs meet the criteria when the topic suggestions run more along the lines of “My favorite teacher” or “”My favorite sports team”.

  19. Priscilla
    June 28th, 2005 09:06

    I always do clothes for my kids birthdays. They don’t really go crazy when they see them but everyone else buys them toys, so I don’t.

  20. honey bunny
    June 28th, 2005 09:36

    you should scrap the idea of the telletubby stripper and go with a boobah stripper. after all, they DO look like uncut weiners.

  21. Heatheranne
    June 28th, 2005 10:02

    I think Fellow Eskimo is right. Moms should get presents on their kids birthdays. Hell, we had to do all the work. Also? Hollaback Girl is a very educational song. You can teach the kids how to spell “Sing it with me kids ‘This shit is bananas B.A.N.A.N.A.S.’”

  22. Tracy
    June 28th, 2005 10:50

    Teletubbies strippers would seem boring in my thoughts. All they would be wearing is a hat, right? Aren’t their bit’s and pieces on their heads? I’m not big on them and well, they scare me so those and that purple dinosuar have never been turned on infront of Hannah and I’m hoping that she will enjoy her noggin programs for a bit longer. Most of those I can handle. *chuckles*

  23. Mir
    June 28th, 2005 11:25

    Be sure to buy Ellie some They Might Be Giants. My kids dig “Cow Beneath the Sea.” ;)

  24. Emily
    June 28th, 2005 12:35

    I’d rather see the Tubby Custard than Po’s cooter…….

  25. Phyl
    June 28th, 2005 14:29

    How about a “Hello Kitty” litterbox cake and Barney poop ice cream? Just be sure those skanky hos, the powerpuff girls, don’t crash the party!

    One of the funninest posts I’ve ever read…you go girlfriend!

  26. Ivy
    June 28th, 2005 16:05

    “I don’t know what the hell a “hollaback girl” is and I’m not down with the gang signs.”

    You certainly aren’t the only one! I dont know what a hollaback girl is nor do I care. But my 6 year old seems to think she knows..

  27. cas
    June 28th, 2005 16:28

    Can Nell and I buy her booze. er. I mean cute clothes? Maybe some make up? (you ca never start them on a path of high maintenance too young)

  28. Citizen Mom
    June 28th, 2005 18:34

    Yo, your daughter and I have the same birthday. She can come to my party only if she promises to bring her own dope, because I don’t share my weed on my birthday. The key is to smoke up and *then* watch Boohbah. Trust me on this.

  29. ands
    June 28th, 2005 18:37

    oh and pop rocks.

  30. Cori
    June 29th, 2005 00:46

    If you’ve promised to keep the Tubby Custard away, should we be worried that we will be seeing Po’s Cooter???

  31. Mellissa
    June 29th, 2005 10:43

    My 5yo niece says Hollaback Girl is one of her favourite songs. No wonder she said “shit” twice today.

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