The Nosy Threesome

There’s a TV show called What Not to Wear where the hosts grab a badly dressed person and shows her, thanks to a room full of mirrors, that she is dressed in a very bad way. One recent commercial had a lady saying “I wonder what everyone thought of me when I was dressed like this.”

I know a lot of people go out in public and are worried about what they look like. As long as I’m clean, I don’t really care too much. Take yesterday, for example. I grabbed my husband’s shirt (He’s 6′4 and I’m 5′5) and paired it with my flumpy shorts. The shirt had a cartoon hand-drawn face on the front. The eyes, however, where in a place that um, sticks out from the rest of my chest.

Wink wink, nod nod.

So I’m at the grocery store and I completely forget that I look like doodie. The outfit isn’t that bad, I could care less if someone thinks I’m dressed horribly because hello, I’ve been throwing up and I need comfort at all times.

The problem is my face. During my last pregnancy, before I told anyone at work about my baby-to-be, two ladies walked up to me and said I was “glowing.” Ha! Glowing! The only reason I was glowing was that I had tons of makeup on to cover the pregnancy acne taking residence on my chin.

The acne is back, Internet. And now, now, it has brought a friend called “facial rash.” Yes, I have a rash on my face. At first it was on one side of my nose, where the nose meets the face. Then it went to the other side. Now, it is between my eyebrows as well. It’s the Nose Bermuda Triangle. On my FACE.

What if it is a flesh eating virus that’s going to eventually cover my nose and make it fall off and then I’ll have to go on Oprah to talk about how I once had a nose and then I got pregnant and then it fell off so DON’T GET PREGNANT because you know, she’s all about scaring people.

How’s THAT for a sentence, people? Ha!

I know, I could go to the dermatologist and point out the fact that I have nose herpes or whatever, but that costs $10 and TIME and we all know I don’t have that kind of time when I have Sit and Be Fit to watch and toilets to stare into.

Oddly enough, I keep forgetting about my rash until I have to have a conversation with someone. Someone who doesn’t know me. Then I realize the person had to stare at me in the face and was probably trying to figure out what the heck was going on around my nose.

What if they confuse me with Katies Herpes Holmes? I mean, yeah I’m shorter and fatter than her and I’m pretty sure she wears clothes that fit, but come on, who else in the history of the world would walk around with some herpes type of infection on her face?

(FYI It’s not the herpes, Thank God. Nobody has had unprotected sex with my nose. Protected sex? Totally. It’s the new anal.)

19 Responses to “The Nosy Threesome”

  1. Lujza
    June 24th, 2005 10:55

    Oh my gosh!!! Pregnancy just is NOT agreeing with you!?!?! Take care of yourself.

  2. Heatheranne
    June 24th, 2005 11:36

    Hmm, nose sex. I don’t know if I could do that because I really hate the way sex smells.

  3. Corrie
    June 24th, 2005 12:13

    Oh my gosh, I am so sorry about the zits. Totally have it. Do you feel like you are fourteen again?

  4. Sarcastic Journalist
    June 24th, 2005 12:17

    I looked a lot better when I was 14. I was able to take the meds that cleared up my skin, unlike now.

  5. Kristy
    June 24th, 2005 12:43

    I rarely comment, but I feel your pain on this one…
    I’m blessed with Face Rash. And lucky me! My insurance doesn’t cover anything skin-related because I’m a dumbass that confessed to having dermatitis when we switched insurance companies. So…the only thing I’ve found that remotely helps is Eucerin lotion. You can get it at Walgreens or CVS. It’s about $8.

  6. chris
    June 24th, 2005 13:03

    Whenever I see that show What Not To Wear, I can’t help but feel really self concious about my clothing since I usually look like the “befores”. But honestly how many mothers wear cashmere sweaters and $300 pants to grocery shop?

    And I always find myself screaming, do you know how much that is going to cost to dry clean?!

  7. Sara
    June 24th, 2005 13:40

    Sweet Mother…. I’m ticking along at 14 weeks pregnant now, and I look as though I’ve juuuuuuuuuuuust hit puberty. I got the glowing compliments too. HA!

  8. Y
    June 24th, 2005 14:01

    hahahaaaaaa You’re totally copying me and melly because one time? She made me look like a complete jackass because she started talking about “nasal sex” and I didn’t want to judge and was all “hey, to each his own” and she was all ‘OH MY GOD, I was JOKING, YVONNE!”

  9. Amanda
    June 24th, 2005 15:45

    the new anal? I’m still coming to terms with the old anal…

  10. Eulallia
    June 24th, 2005 16:22

    The only good thing about zits is popping them. You can’t pop a rash though, so no satisfaction there. Maybe you can peel it like a sunburn…?

  11. Melissa
    June 24th, 2005 17:02

    Hmm… I wonder if it’s the facial “mask of pregnancy,” a skin condition technically called melasma or chloasma. It is pretty common during pregnancy–it gets more prominent if you’ve been out in the sun, and it occurs more frequently in brunettes. Here’s a link to a website describing it: http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyhealth/skinchanges.html

  12. Stacey
    June 24th, 2005 17:34

    Eulallia is right, there’s nothing, NOTHING like popping a good zit.

    Unfortunately I learned the hard way and now I’m scarred. Boo hoo. ;)

  13. Linda B.
    June 24th, 2005 19:38

    Sorry you’re having the acne problem. I have pregnancy acne too… and I’m not pregnant anymore.

  14. clickmom
    June 24th, 2005 20:15

    Feeling your pain SJ, the whole time I was pregnant (all three times) I had a facial melanine issue. Pretty much I had a giant brown “T” across my forehead and down the middle of my face. It joyfully got darker and darker right up to the end, especially on my forehead. I was also forced into unchartered foundation territory, since make up for me is typically minimal and reserved for special occasions such as weddings, funerals, and times when I might bump into ex-boyfriends.

    All I can say is, TEMPORARY, and isn’t the cute little bundle of life sucking joy worth it?

  15. Sarcomical
    June 24th, 2005 20:58

    hmmm…maybe katie is pregnant

  16. trine
    June 25th, 2005 03:25

    haha, that sounds really painful… hope it goes soon, did you have it all the wat through last time? or is it a first trimster thing?

  17. kristine
    June 25th, 2005 03:34

    and just like the Fonz (my mom) would say, “DON’T PICK IT!”

    that line has come in handy MANY times in my life.

  18. Amy Steier
    June 25th, 2005 12:40

    Nose sex…sounds like a new sinusitis treatment.

  19. Darcie
    June 25th, 2005 13:41

    Man, I love the comments you get almost as much as I love your posts!

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