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Learn from me

How not to give yourself an enema, by The Sarcastic Journalist.

1. Get someone to buy enema for you.
2. Go into bathroom, totally grossed out by the fact that you now own an enema.
3. Open enema package but don’t read the directions.
4. Sit on toilet instead of on the ground like the package says to.
5. Aim enema somewhere near your bottom.
6. Squirt enema for three seconds, decide that’s enough stuff going into your butt. (Package says to empty almost entire bottle.) Realize you got like, two squirts in there.
7. Stand up, walk around house (instead of lying still on ground like the package says.)
8. Hold enema in for one minute instead of, you know, five.
9. Curse when you really can’t poop.

Guess who finally read the directions tonight? ME! I was doing it all wrong so I tried it again. And then, to keep myself from jumping on the potty too soon, I emailed Mama Rosa. I think email went like this:

“Hey not giving self an enema no i am aldkfj ;aldksjf ;oai dsf;oa dsjf;al dkfj;a ldksfj;”

Yeah, that last part was when it um, kicked in. A true friendship is when you can email someone and say “I have saline water up my butt.”

19 Responses to “Learn from me”

  1. Y
    June 21st, 2005 22:06
    1

    haahaaaaaa And I was like “What the HELL is this email?”

    There are so many ways I could go with this comment.

    I’m leaning towards making a joke about squirting stuff up the butt, but I’m not quite sure if that’s the direction I want to take just yet.

    I take my comments very seriously. Especially when it involves the uppage of things in the ass.

  2. debutaunt
    June 21st, 2005 22:14
    2

    Damn. Again. These posts are making my ass twitch. Cos I’m totally assophobic.

    Glad, er, everything came out all right though.

  3. Crystal
    June 21st, 2005 22:15
    3

    For the love of blogging, HAVE YOU POOPED? It’s like watching your favorite show, and having a cliffhanger ending! I’m now obsessed with SJ’s poop, or lack thereof. Man, I really need a life.

  4. Sarcastic Journalist
    June 21st, 2005 22:19
    4

    Yes, there was poop. I may not be “back to normal” yet (my colon has to START WORKING) but I pooped!

    Everyone clap!

  5. Angie
    June 21st, 2005 23:08
    5

    I started to eat when I read that … needless to say the laughter forced the food to come flying out of my mouth. LOL

  6. Shalini
    June 21st, 2005 23:09
    6

    clap clap clap (silence), gets up and pukes. :) Glad it’s finally working again.

  7. Heatheranne
    June 21st, 2005 23:19
    7

    I’m sorry, I know it’s not funny to you in the moment. But I can’t stop laughing. I’ve never given myself an enema, and I hope I never have to. But if I do, I’m totally going to email you!

  8. Ken
    June 21st, 2005 23:20
    8

    Yeah, I remember my first enema. I was bare-ass naked on the floor of the bathroom, squirting liquid into the nether region, and holding myself in sort of a yoga-like kowtow position. Damn, it was like prison all over again.

  9. trine
    June 22nd, 2005 04:23
    9

    hahahaha, brilliant. no really poor you. I had one after giving birth and they’re not fun.

    it;s my anniversary today, so i am bouncing along. one year of blogging. wow.

  10. Stacey
    June 22nd, 2005 06:35
    10

    hahahhhahaha! I know its not funny when you can’t poop….but that was funny

  11. Heather
    June 22nd, 2005 07:09
    11

    We will have to celebrate by getting you the book “Everyone poops” One of the funniest kids book Ive ever read!

  12. peefer
    June 22nd, 2005 07:38
    12

    I don’t know. Call me old fashioned, but the butthole is a one way street in my tiny little world. You show a great mix of courage and desparation for driving the wrong way. May your traffic soon be moving.

  13. RisibleGirl
    June 22nd, 2005 10:26
    13

    Yay!

    Now, here’s a great opportunity to share something I’d NEVER share on my blog because people that know me IRL read it.

    My mom had to have some sort of procedure and was supposed to have an enema prior to. She couldn’t manage giving it to herself (no idea why), and needed my dad’s help.

    My dad came in wearing Groucho Marx glasses (with the nose, eyebrows, mustache, etc.) and a trench coat. He told her it would be less embarassing for her if she didn’t recognize him.

    TRUE story. Perhaps this explains why I’m so weird. ;)

  14. some girl
    June 22nd, 2005 10:34
    14

    I need a little more information, exactly HOW much saline solution do you have to get in your butt? And then how long do you have to hold it? I mean do you have to clench your cheeks to keep it from leaking? Please, more details.

  15. Torrie
    June 22nd, 2005 11:15
    15

    Ahhh, friendship.

  16. jenB
    June 22nd, 2005 15:33
    16

    i have been there and done it my friend. you have all the sympathy in the world from me.

    xoxox

  17. Tammy/averagemom
    June 22nd, 2005 15:55
    17

    Okay, I was giggling when I read the post. Cackling by comment #12. But #13? That took it right over the edge. I have to go pee now.

  18. Kellie
    June 22nd, 2005 21:29
    18

    SJ, I am in Ireland now and logging on to see if you have pooped. I am so glad you finally passed a wonderful log. I still have yet to go. On top of that, I got my period the second we stepped into the airport in Orlando so there will be no trying to conceive here. Go to my blog though and see who I met. It totally makes up for it. My brother told me my mission was to sleep with this person while I was here. To me, the mission is to see if Gyweneth is here with Apple!

    I hope you get back to normal soon. Pray that I at least poop once while I am here!

  19. Michele
    June 23rd, 2005 09:10
    19

    Ha!
    Suddenly my whole definition of friendship is changing. No one has ever emailed me while trying to hold saline water in their butt. Ever.

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