Not a golden shower, for sure.

I haven’t felt as desperate as I have this past week in a long time. The desperation I feel as I hunch over a toilet bowl or curl into a ball on the couch is one that I hope I never feel again.

Internet, I’m going to tell you a secret. There have been a few occasions during this week where I thought to myself that I wish I was not pregnant. I do not wish for the baby to go away, no, I just wish that I didn’t feel this way. I am keenly aware of the fact that if I was not pregnant, I could have more options to make myself feel better.

Obviously this baby is wanted and I’m pretty sure I felt like this during my last pregnancy as well. I mean, you’re pregnant and all you know of this little being is how your body has turned against you.

I went to the doctor today. I felt unsure of what she would do but I hoped it would involve a permanent IV that delivered anti-nausea and anti-constipation drugs into my body. It didn’t.

I have lost two pounds in one week, which should be expected. I lost weight with Ellie as well, in fact, up until 17.5 weeks, I had not gained ANY weight due to my vomiting. The only reason my weight held steady was because I was consuming a 5,000 calorie a day diet.

I don’t want to become the whiney pregnancy blog. Therefore, I’ll tell you about the humor I found in my conversation with the doctor.

So we’re talking and I’m holding back tears as she said “Nobody went through their entire pregnancy without pooping,” because I wanted to yell back “Well you say nobody but its going to happen to me and I’ll be a medical miracle!”

I go through the list of things I have tried and I explain the joys of the enema and how it just gives me enough relief that I can survive. So, she gives me advice.

My doctor told me to get into the shower and let the water relax me. Then she told me to try and take a crap in the shower. Yes, my doc thinks I should lay cable in the same shower I clean myself in. If I can’t crap in the shower, I should (and here’s where I don’t really get it) stick a finger into my cooter to do something.

I’m not sure why I was supposed to put my finger into my privates. By that point, all I could think was “Crap in the shower.”

In the meantime, I am supposed to consume about one thousand stool softeners a day until I give myself, say it with me class, diarrhea.

Diarrhea for everybody!

My stepfather has offered up their hot tub for me. Actually, its not theirs as much as it is the RV Park’s. I guess that’s nice of him since he won’t be the one picking up the poo.

So, if I crap in a hot tub, do I bring a strainer, a wok or a tea infuser? Or is that bad etiquette and I should just bring a garbage bag and oven mit? If I’m going to poop in someone’s hot tub, I should at least try to be nice about cleanup, unlike the people that pooped in the apartment’s hot tub in college and tried to clean it up with NEWSPAPER.

37 Responses to “Not a golden shower, for sure.”

  1. halloweenlover
    June 20th, 2005 17:34

    Oh god, did the doctor really say that? Did she suggest what a finger in the cooter was supposed to do? Because under that logic, every time you got some nookie you should be shitting all over your hubs, right?

    Did you ask for a demonstration?

  2. Pregnant in Texas
    June 20th, 2005 18:00

    What’s wrong with a whiny pregnancy blog? :) Get over your fear of appearing to “whiny”, “bitchy”, “needy” or whatever else kind of “y” and know that there is a reason you are feeling this bad. Any reader that can’t see that deserves to have an eight pound watermelon stuck up their appropriate hole and told to “push it out” while taking deep calming breaths. Just my opinion though.

  3. Heatheranne
    June 20th, 2005 18:06

    Yeah, I’m pretty curious about the whole poking yourself with your finger thing too. And the shower thing? Showers don’t make me poop. Neither does sex in the shower. Strange.

  4. rachael
    June 20th, 2005 18:12

    yes, please don’t stop being whiny while you’re pregnant… otherwise will be totally alone!!

    well not really, but you get what i mean. right?

  5. Kellie
    June 20th, 2005 18:16

    Pooping in the shower? Do it on your husband because he can easliy pee on you. I know you have to try super hard to pee on him in the shower. The whole poop thing! Yes!!!!That would be the best revenge.

  6. Laura
    June 20th, 2005 19:00

    You have HYPEREMESIS. Get on the phone to the Dr. and tell her that if she would just prescribe some Zofran or Phenergan you could do all the cooter finger exercises in the world. I have been in your exact position, complete with the enema situation when I had hyperemesis with my pregnancy. Isn’t it magical to give yourself an enema while puking? Heaven. You need some medication, it won’t hurt the baby and it will make you feel so much better. I had IV hydration for 6 weeks as well as Zofran every day and it actually gave me some kind of hope that I wouldn’t die before my son was born. I was also given the advice to use stool softeners, and that works so well when you can’t keep down water much less giant glycerin filled horse pills. I am sure I have been no help whatsoever, but I have been where you are right now, and my heart hurts for you. Shoot me an email (I know you don’t know me at all) if the hyperemesis gets really bad and you need to vent. Finally, go to this webpage, print out the accepted medicine list and tell your Dr. to pony up with the good stuff- www.helpher.org.

    I hope it gets better soon!

  7. Laura
    June 20th, 2005 19:01

    P.S. I cannot stop playing the “Poop In the Potty” song. My 13 month old loves it, this 30 year old loves it and now my 56 year old parents love it as I played it for them yesterday. Poop songs make me so happy.

  8. mrtl
    June 20th, 2005 20:00

    Did you tell the doctor that poop goes in the potty? How warped! Hope it helps, though.

  9. Crankenpants
    June 20th, 2005 20:05

    I know what always makes me feel like pooping, a vaginal exam. Never fails. Hope you feel better soon. And don’t worry about whining. It’s your blog.

  10. clickmom
    June 20th, 2005 20:41

    Are you sure the finger doesn’t go in the pooper to make you poop? I wish I didn’t know this, but it is how my 93 year old grandmother “encourages” herself when needed.

    Not feeling well while pregnant is the worse, I had a 6 week sinus infection while pregnant with my first, and I did lie curled in the fetal position, chanting “Nyquil, nyquil, nyquil..” for about the last 3 weeks of it.

  11. Tracy
    June 20th, 2005 21:00

    Curious but did your doc try perscribing Citracal Prenatal Rx? (http://www.citracalprenatalrx.com) It hasan added stool softener. It does help aid in going every once in a while. Still hard to go regurlary but it does help some. I used it this last pregnancy and used another kind with Hannah. At least I wasn’t waking up at night cramping so hard and wasn’t able to do anything about it. With Sarah, I could at least relieve the pain from keeping so much in. The things Iron can do to the body sheesh. ;)

    They have one called Cal-nate as it’s substitution. Maybe your doc will let you try it out. They kind of have a vanillia type coating taste. Not too bad to swallow. Just thought I’d poke my nose in and let you know about them. Might be a safe alternitive if it has yet to be tried with ya.

  12. Lisa
    June 20th, 2005 21:10

    It is true. I am the constipation Queen. I am one of the ones who does the cooter poopy thing. You just out your finger in there and you can push back and pull the poopy down the canal…need more info? Geez, never thought I would blast that on the internet!

  13. Heatheranne
    June 20th, 2005 21:11

    OK. This is really weird, but my mom swears that every time she walks into a Hallmark store, she has to poop. (Yes, I know. My family isn’t quite right.)

  14. martha
    June 20th, 2005 21:21

    you could try squatting over a flat plastic bucket (like some people use for dishes) it’s the same effect as squating to poop in the shower but it’s not in the shower. and the finger up the butt to help the poop does work. really. it;s a bit to get over but it helps.

  15. cas
    June 20th, 2005 21:34

    I once read in detail how the whole finger in the giney works here:

  16. Autumn
    June 20th, 2005 21:40

    DO NOT GO IN A HOT TUB! Very bad for the baby. No HOT baths, either. But you know this so I’ll shut up.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so ill.

  17. Bob
    June 20th, 2005 22:05

    Sorry you feel like crap. I’m sure you get enough morning/all damn day sickness remedies, my ex used to get some relief from frequent snacks of Ritz crackers. Then with the third that didn’t help so she went for my balls. Psychologically speaking of course.

    Feel better. This is why women are the stronger sex. This is why.

  18. RisibleGirl
    June 20th, 2005 23:46

    Man, you make me glad I’m too old to get pregnant. Or, at least I hope so.

    You poor thing. In the summer too. blech.

    Do you think your doctor would consider inducing a coma for the rest of the misery?

    (hey, everyone else is offering medical advice…)

  19. lydia
    June 21st, 2005 05:43

    If you can get over the squick factor, trying to ‘let go’ in the tub can really help. it just relaxes the muscles and stuff. Go read Dooce’s account of having her first crap after birth. It will make you feel SOOO much bettter, and you will understand the getting in the tub advice much better, too (-;.

  20. honestyrain
    June 21st, 2005 07:40

    i barfed like an olympian during my second pregnancy, never ever felt good. worse, my husband acted like i was faking it. faking it. being dramatic. we aren’t having any more children because i kicked him hard in his bits and now they don’t produce.

    (i didn’t really. no need to cuss me out for husbandal abuse)

    feel better and for pity’s sake, keep all pooping to the toilet or i won’t sleep, swear to god.

  21. debutaunt
    June 21st, 2005 08:47

    Ok, I have no poop advise other than what I usually say about oatmeal. I’d rather eat oatmeal for every meal than a stool softener. Are you not pooping because perhaps you have puked out the entirity of your intestine and there is nothing left to go out the bunghole?

    I just want you to be well.

  22. Lisa
    June 21st, 2005 08:56

    I always tell people that the first trimester of pregnancy for me was filled with thoughts of “Can I just return this thing?” Of course I wanted the baby, but I was honestly ready to give up. Good thing you can’t, cause the constipation and the puking end and then it’s all roses for a bit. Just keep repeating - “This will end.”

  23. Crystal
    June 21st, 2005 10:59

    You know, I checked back all throughout the weekend to see if you pooped. It’s really, really sad that my mind was so consumed with “Man, I hope SJ can poop soon! Poor thing!” Finger in the cooter… hmmm… I always just go the laxative route, but being pregnant and all maybe you should give the finger a try!

  24. Alessandro Rosetti
    June 21st, 2005 11:07

    what fack are you talking here always about poops? all they womens are talking now. it makes me sick to they stomach to haveing puked. i don’t want child now because of all poop all no time.

  25. Em
    June 21st, 2005 11:13

    Wait! I speak English! Listen - I’m with you on the tub thing. How about a sitz bath? Still with the warm water, IT is in the terlet so you can relax about that but you aren’t poopin where you bathe your baby which would totally unnerve me. And I will tell you, only because I am under an alias, I have had to do the cooter thing. Its kind of like disimpacting but without actually having to touch your own feces or bumhole. You are just kind of getting your finger behind it and giving it an extra push with the fortunate “wall” between your finger and actual human waste. I know, its gross but thats why we don’t talka aboud it. It makes people not wanta child now because of all poop all no time.

  26. Cyndi
    June 21st, 2005 13:27

    Bless your heart. Everyone covered the whole finger in the cooter thing quite nicely. So I won’t gte into that.
    I can’t remember if your a vegetarian or not. However heres a quick dish that always manages to clean me out, I ask my husband to cook it when I’m feeling, um full… Take a small round steak put it in a baking dish, take a full stick of butter and cut into long ribbons and cover steak with it. 2 packages of Lipton Onion Soup Mix on top of that. Add two Tbls of Worstershire sauce. Cover with foil. Bake for 1 hour at 350. Serve with baked potato, you don’t need butter on it just spoon sauce onto potato.
    Now it tastes good going down, I know it isn’t anywhere near healthy (cholesterol city, baby) but for us, every time we cook this it cleanses the GI tract from end to end in a matter of hours.
    Good luck with the poop sweetie. I never thought I’d hope for someone to poop as much as I hope it for you now. Thats saying something since I’m a nurse at a Nursing Home and boy do we hope people poop there, so much so, we keep track!

  27. chris
    June 21st, 2005 15:13

    I am just going to echo what someone else said above, demand that iv and zofran. You will feel so much better. I had an iv in place with one of pregnancies for a few weeks.

    I have unfortunately had the same experience of sitting on the toilet and throwing up at the same time. Only I had no bowl or towel and just threw up all over myself. I remember calling my husband to the bathroom for help and saying, “If this doesn’t kill the romance I don’t know what will.”

  28. shokufeh
    June 21st, 2005 15:21

    Some months ago, earlier in my pregnancy when I was more constipated, I had a dream in which I pooped in the shower. While I was kind of grossed out in the dream, I also woke up savoring how relieved I’d felt not having all that extra stuff in me. But the reality was, it was still in there. My point? Maybe your doctor’s on to something.
    Good luck finding relief!

  29. Brandi
    June 21st, 2005 15:59

    Hey, whydja take Dooce off the reads list???

  30. MollieBee
    June 21st, 2005 17:27

    oh dude..that is so WRONG.


  31. paula
    June 21st, 2005 18:11

    I didn’t have time to read comments, so if someone else has already said this, forgive me.

    When your kids become teenagers and if they show even a hint of ingratitude towards your mothering skills, you need to whip out a copy of this post.

    “This is what I went through for you!”

    Just kidding. Don’t do that. But it would be tempting.

  32. Torrie
    June 21st, 2005 19:12

    Going to the bookstore always makes me have to poop. Give it a try!
    Although I wouldn’t poop *in* the bookstore if you know what I mean.

  33. Heather
    June 21st, 2005 21:12

    Id save the finger in the cooter for your hubby to do. Hey, you would at least have some fun, and there is NOTHING more relaxing than the big O right? I want to go to your gyne.
    Hope you poop soon, and I hope you tell us all about it. (no photos pleeze!)

  34. Marie
    June 22nd, 2005 14:29

    You deserve a very, very big hug. Welcome (back) to the sisterhood of bile and enemas, I’d be your tour guide but my intestines are filled with cement and I can’t breathe. Sorry :(

  35. Texas T-bone
    June 22nd, 2005 16:10

    At least newspaper is good for something. ;-)

    When you finally let loose (and it’s bound to happen; crap happens), I think your regular readers will feel relieved, too.

  36. Seglenda
    June 22nd, 2005 19:59

    I was TOTALLY stopped up when I was taking the prenatal vitamins! I just quit taking them, and then my dayly poop was returned! I so hated the pain and the agony of being stopped up. I hope you get to feeling better. I hope your over due poop comes soon! Good luck!

  37. KattyKatFlash
    July 9th, 2005 22:53

    Holy crap (I couldn’t resist) I think I caught your poo problem. For the past couple of days I’ve had awful gas (figured it was dysentry from CiCi’s pizza, I mean really what did I expect from an all you can eat buffet for $3.99). Anyway hubby and I are traveling down the highway to the bedding stored (HP- the kid needs a big boy bed yay!) and the whole way I’m like wow I have really bad gas. It’s just churning in my stomach and I’m trying to force it out or I may actually explode. Let me preface hubby- any ailment I have he responds with “You need to take a poo”. Seriously I could break my leg and his answer “You need to take a poo”. On with the story:

    Me- “Ugh I’ve had the worst gas for the past couple of days”
    Hubby responds with “You need to take a poo”
    Me- “Shut up you always say that (clutch stomach)”
    Hubby “Did you try to take a poo? If you take a poo you’ll feel better”
    Me- “Shuuuut Uuuuup (start rocking back and forth in seat)”
    Hubby “Are you sure you don’t need to take a poo?”
    Me- “If you say that one more f-ing time I’m gonna punch you in the face”

    Hubby (I hate him…a lot at the present moment) missed the driveway for the bed place. He stops in the middle lane of a 3 way road and starts honking for someone to let him over (why in hell he didn’t just keep going and pull a u-e I’ll never know- I think he’s special, short bus special).

    By now I have the cold sweats and feel like I’m gonna puke (he’s not so good with the driving either). He pulls into a Pollo Tropical-eeewwww- and I’m all I have to take a poo-NOW. I swear to god he circles the freakin’ parking lot 3 times-mind you there are NO cars in any of the spots- before pulling over to let me out saying “I told you, you needed to take a poo”. I tell him…actually yell at him to stop the f-ing car and let me out as I punch him as hard as I can in the arm.

    Poo ensues. (luckily I made it to the bathroom). I get back to the car and tell him to get out because he sucks and I will have to beat him with my shoe if I have to spend one more minute of him missing driveways and circling parking lots like retard with one paddle in a canoe. I drive us to the bed place then home.

    Now I know this lengthy but I’m hoping that while I write it the current churning in my tummy will subside (or at least transfer to hubby, he deserves it).

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