Poop Should Go in the Potty.

During my last pregnancy, I had a weekly dialogue with my husband that went pretty much like this:

SJ: I do not want to have this baby through my cooter. I want a c-section.
Him: No. You will do it the other way. Its better for you! You don’t want surgery!
SJ: Yes, I want surgery.

This convo continued on up to the day I went into labor, when my dialogue became this:

SJ: I WANT A C-SECTION NOW. (whine. Cry. Pout.) PUHLEASE I CANT HAVE THIS BABY I CANT DO THIS I HATE EVERYONE CUT ME OPEN NOW.
Doctor: Drugs?
SJ: I LOVE YOU I WANT TO MAKE BABIES WITH YOU.

So, I got my drugs (Hello Trolls! I used drugs during labor and they were gooood.) And all was well with the world. After pushing for two hours, an 8 pound, 15 ounce piece of Crotch Fruit came forward and I called her “my child.” I eventually stopped cringing when I saw pregnant women and was able to finally tell myself that I did, in fact, want another baby.

So, I got pregnant. This time, I told myself, I wanted to learn “coping” techniques so I wouldn’t freak and fight the pain. I still wanted the drugs, I just wanted to be a little more calm. After I decided that I would have a “calm” birth, I would sit there on my high horse in the living room, laughing at all the women on A Baby Story, saying how much better my birth would be.

Until Friday.

I do not do well with abdominal pain. In fact, I do not function with any sort of abdominal pain. I break down, curl up into a ball and beg for God to take me out now. So, Thursday I noticed some “pain” in my abdomen. I figured it was gas and tried my hardest to toot and make it all feel better.

It did for a little while.

I went out with my friend on Friday for Jamba Juice and kept feeling the tummy pain while we were devouring our calorie-laden drinks. My friend, the smart chick that she is, said I might have some constipation problems.

I tried to ignore the pain, not pay attention to the fact that my normally soft and “fluffy” stomach was rock hard. No, I just walked along, telling myself that it was “gas.”

Until I got home. All of a sudden, the pain went from zero to a zillion, leaving me unable to cope. I called The Hubs and insisted that he come home soon. As in NOW.

He returned home to find a very confused, very in pain SJ and an Ellie that was happy to have someone who wasn’t hunching over, screaming in Swahili for the hurting to stop! Now!

At that moment, it became very obvious that I hadn’t pooped in a VERY LONG TIME. Let’s just say that I can’t even REMEMBER when was the last time I had a normal poop. It was well over a week. Probably more.

I walked around the living room, looking more like a woman in labor instead of someone that needed to poop. I would stop and lean against the wall, taking deep breaths, trying to distract myself. I’d breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth as I’d hunch over the edge of a chair, willing my body to work like it should.

I tried the normal route of the suppository that didn’t work. I sent him to the store to buy an enema because I needed help ASAP. Eventually, after heading to a grocery store practically in India, he returns, enema in hand.

I “did” the enema. And, Internet, by “did” please know that I’m almost 100% sure I didn’t do it right. Yup, bet you didn’t know you could do an enema wrong but I’m pretty sure I did. Also, it gave me stomach cramps (more info you didn’t ask for) so I wasn’t able to “hold it in.”

I sat on the toilet, wearing tennis shoes, undies and a t-shirt and hunched over in pain. I grabbed a towel off the rack and buried my face into it. I vomited into a bowl because the pain was just that bad. Not any vomit, but Jamba Juice Vomit.

Tasty.

All the while, I’m “trying” to “read” an article in the Oprah magazine about Lance Armstrong and how he “pushes through pain” while riding his bike. I totally wanted to punch Lance Armstrong in the nuts (if he had any) because please don’t tell me to push through pain while trying to push out 1 year’s worth of impacted turds.

Meanwhile, my child decides that she HAS to go into the bathroom with Mommy and starts standing outside the door, crying. Actually, she was wailing. So, while I’m trying not to kill Lance while making horrible “I’m giving birth to an elephant out my butt” faces, I’m trying to scream for The Hubs to get her away from the door.

So, while trying to distact myself, I come up with things that I would rather happen to me than having to go through the Constipation Terror.

1. Riding a bike with stiches in my nuts like Lance did after his surgery.
2. yeast infections
3. Athlete’s foot
4. A broken leg
5. Any form of major surgery where they give you drugs
6. That brain surgery the guy on Dateline NBC had because he was out of it and didn’t have to poop.

Anyway, let’s just say that everything isn’t “back” to normal. Since I did the enema incorrectly, I can only hope that things will get better. I’m not groaning in pain anymore, screaming “Save me, Jeebus!” but I do feel some gut rumbles. I can take the gut rumbles over the “Oh my gosh why didn’t I just die that day I was vomiting” pain.

Since then, I’m still “stopped up” and “vomiting.” In fact, on several occasions, I thought how nice a good broken leg would be. (FYI, I most likely have Ellie’s vomit virus and it seems, the “virus” that made my husband stop pooping for three weeks. At the same time! Yeah me!)

But? After giving birth to something that was the size of my child’s leg at birth (Yeah, I didn’t have a productive poop) I can safely say I want a c-section.

In fact, I’d like to schedule it now, if possible.

28 Comments

  1. no comments? you mean, I’M THE FIRST!?! woah, mama!

    i know your pain, although i’ve only experienced it twice in my life. two years ago i had poop lodged in me so far and so tight that i thought i’d broken my back. i thought “how could poop make me unable to walk?” well, it did.

    once i pooped the poop i was all better. but man, that was a pretty crappy experience. get it? crappy! A HAHAHAH!

    feel better, SJ :)

    Comment by honey bunny — 6/19/2005 @ 5:49 pm

  2. Cant say Ive had that experience…!

    Comment by Sexy Virgin — 6/19/2005 @ 6:35 pm

  3. Yeah, I had a natural birth, only because I went to a birthing center where they didn’t have drugs so it left me without a choice (why did I do that?). I was planning to do all that relaxation crap but after about the third contraction I found that the best strategy for me was tensing up and yelling FUCK at the top of my lungs.

    Good call on the C-section.

    Comment by Jennifer — 6/19/2005 @ 7:00 pm

  4. Prune juice is your friend.

    Comment by brilly — 6/19/2005 @ 7:03 pm

  5. as is fiber…the kind in a green bottle that claims to totally dissolve…it does!

    One day when I was about 7 mo preggers I had to stay home from work because I pooped a continuous poop so long before it would flush I had to take a wooden skewer and break it in half to go down :(

    Comment by kim — 6/19/2005 @ 7:24 pm

  6. My c-section was not at all as bad as what you described. I haven’t pooped in 4 days. Time for a stool softener.

    Comment by Kellie — 6/19/2005 @ 9:17 pm

  7. Know the pain of childbirth and butt splitting poops.

    Sympathy. Feel better soon.

    Comment by clickmom — 6/19/2005 @ 9:19 pm

  8. Crotch fruit.
    Fantastic.

    Comment by Torrie — 6/19/2005 @ 9:43 pm

  9. I feel kid of guilty about laughing about the Lance Armstrong’s nuts remark. SJ, you’re pure hilarious evil genius. Brilliant.

    Comment by janna — 6/19/2005 @ 10:08 pm

  10. I feel your pain. Two years ago, I decided to lose weight with diuretics. Bad idea. I didn’t drink enough water, so I was backed up for days. I had to stay home from work and try everything in my power to go. Nothing helped until I got that enema (the nice saline one) in there proper. And let me tell you, I cried with relief when it was over. I could also describe the pain of the “after the birth” constipation, but everyone knows the horror of that.

    Get well SJ, and poop well when you can.

    And “crotch fruit” is awesome.

    Comment by Jessica — 6/20/2005 @ 2:38 am

  11. oh my god. that sounds awful. I had a nasty poop episode after giving birth, and mine was c-section, so it makes no difference really. it’s just awful. hope you feel better soon

    Comment by trine — 6/20/2005 @ 3:25 am

  12. EX-LAX!!! Did I say that loud enough? No? Let me say it again…EX-LAX!!! After a good round of EX-LAX, your colon will be so clean, it shines.

    Comment by Laura — 6/20/2005 @ 7:40 am

  13. Ah, which is the lesser of two evils grasshoppa? Vomitting non stop? Or the constipation (with vomitting from pain)?

    Let’s just say, during my love affair with Zofran, I had to resort to manual extraction at one point.

    Horrendous.

    Start huffing the softners.

    Comment by cas — 6/20/2005 @ 8:22 am

  14. Aloe pills and acedophilis.

    20 minutes later and you are a new woman. I swear.

    Comment by Tuesdayef — 6/20/2005 @ 8:37 am

  15. I’m so glad
    A) I have balls; they’re so much more simple and maintenance-free than female reproductive organs
    B) I shit feely
    It’s a very fortunate combination that I wish for all.

    Interesting line you draw: I see you are open enough to tell the world about giving yourself an enema, but you stop short of describing how it went wrong.

    Am I the only one just DYING to know the details?

    Comment by peefer — 6/20/2005 @ 8:43 am

  16. C-Sections are wonderful! I’d vote for one if I were you too. (P.S. Drugs are also wonderful. Hi trolls!)

    Comment by Queen of Ass — 6/20/2005 @ 8:53 am

  17. My c-section sucked, and the scar is really ugly. who knew how much you need your stomach muscles, cos they cut right through them. It took me 8 weeks before I felt even halfway normal.

    Why does the internet not listen to me? Oatmeal. It’s nature’s broom.

    And if that fails, try dried apricots in your oatmeal. It’s like a butt bomb.

    Get well and poop soon. Mmmkay?

    Comment by debutaunt — 6/20/2005 @ 9:20 am

  18. hopefully this comment finds you poop free. I have felt your pain before my friend. It is horrendous. I often think that labor cannot possibly be that bad.

    Comment by halloweenlover — 6/20/2005 @ 10:12 am

  19. not to be a stickler, but armstrong only had one nut removed. unless he misplaced the other one on a french alpine mountain my math tells me he should still have one.

    then again, i haven’t checked for myself.

    Comment by paul — 6/20/2005 @ 10:59 am

  20. Everyone, we must remember I am “with child” so there are certain things I can and can’t take. So far: Stool softeners. Laxatives WITH stool softeners. Benefiber. Suppository. More 100% “natural” apple juice than should be allowed.

    NOTHING.

    Also? P? If I tell you how the enema went wrong, there would be no mystery in life.

    Comment by sarcastic journalist — 6/20/2005 @ 12:05 pm

  21. You poor thing. I’d forgotten the details of the misery of the first months of pregnancy. Although I do remember the horrible constipation. I still have the picture of the ultrasound of my first child. You can see the fetus, and behind that you can see about twenty feet of poop in my intestines. When I gave birth to that, I should have named it.

    Comment by paula — 6/20/2005 @ 12:13 pm

  22. boy, you sure make birth (and constipation) sound so pleasant. ;)

    Comment by Sarcomical — 6/20/2005 @ 12:44 pm

  23. In all those Sex Ed classes, if they just said: “Hey, you’ll get constipated so bad you’ll want to abuse Lance Armstrong,” there would have been a whole bunch less babies in my school.

    Comment by some girl — 6/20/2005 @ 12:52 pm

  24. It is bad when you curse the huggable Lance Armstrong.

    Comment by sarcastic journalist — 6/20/2005 @ 1:35 pm

  25. Labor Drugs are all good…DO YOU HEAR THAT TROLLS? I am a woman who has pushed two kids out of her cha-cha, and I DO NOT want to feel the head pop out of my vagina. No, thank you…that area is very special, and I want to remain out of the loop about what she is going through.

    Comment by Corrie — 6/20/2005 @ 1:41 pm

  26. I had a c-section because my stubborn child wanted to come out butt first. My doctors were nice enough to allow me to experience labor first though. Thoughtful huh? It sucked. Labor AND the c-section. I was awake during the whole thing thanks to an epideral and I got to hear all the gross slicing and cutting noises. Yummy. Then, the pain afterward was unbearable. I couldn’t stand up straight for a week because I was scared my staples would pop and my stomach would fall out.

    The hospital wouldn’t let me leave until I pooped. I have never been so afraid of poop in my life because I thought that if I pushed, my stomach would fall out.

    This fond memory has been all I needed for birth control.

    Comment by Heatheranne — 6/20/2005 @ 2:15 pm

  27. Heatheranne, my mom told me to tell the hospital fools that I did poop so they wouldn’t keep me longer. They asked me, I said I did, and I was free to leave, although I hadn’t pooped since the Thursday before labor. Thank God I lied to them because I did NOT want to be in that hospital room another minute. They make you so nervous in there.

    Comment by Jessica — 6/20/2005 @ 3:22 pm

  28. Hey, maybe you could get a csection for the poop?

    Comment by cas — 6/20/2005 @ 9:34 pm

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