Do Not Scare The White People

A couple of days ago, I was waiting to go and hang out with Curly Girl when I decided to take a drive through White People Land. Instead of driving around, looking at the pretty trees, I decided to take a tour of Houses That Are So Big The Entire Country of Somalia Could Live There. You see, I grew up here in WPL and grew accustomed to seeing people with expensive cars and houses that would make yo’ mama cry.

In fact, it got to the point that they didn’t really impress me because once you’ve seen one house, you’ve seen them all.

The deal with White People Land is that all the White People are very scared. I’m not sure exactly what they are scared of, but they are scared. They like to build very big houses and put gates around them so nobody can get close to their front doors.

Even their gates are pretty. I have a feeling if I went up in a beauty contest with their gates, their gates would win.

The deal with the fancy people in WPL is that they hire lots of workers. All the streets of the “rich” houses are full of cars that obviously do not belong in WPL. People in WPL must drive fancy cars with fancy gas at all times. The workers may not cross past the gates or men in black coats will come out and shock them. People wonder why we have lots o’ trees here in WPL. Its to hide the bodies of all the immigrant workers.

Here is the point where people send me hate mail about hiding immigrant worker bodies. Look, I DO NOT HIDE BODIES OF ANYONE. In fact, I’ve always been very nice to my friends’ immigrant workers, showing them my vast knowledge of the Spanish language.

I really think that Hispanic people think its “cute” when you say “Where is your cow?” or “Get me a drink now or I’m calling those people who take immigrants away.”

Anyway, White People do not want you to touch their babies, even if you’re playing in playgroup together and their kid just ate lunch from a bag labeled “Herpes Sandwich.” These WP know that their Herpes Sandwiches are better than your Non-Herpes Sandwiches because they bought them at a boutique.

Everyone say it with me: boo-teke.

I love how all the people in WPL drive around with their George Bush bumper stickers. I never saw one of those until I moved here, where lovin’ George Bush is about as Texan as drinkin’ a beer while cheering on the execution of inmates up the road.

Look, those White People must not be scared. They left their gates open.

In fact, I saw some stats on the 2004 Presidential election and lets just say that about 2 people in WPL voted for Kerry. Seriously, I heard estimates that more people voted for Bush here than in Utah and we all know that those polygamists love Bushes.

Here’s the part of the entry where people from Utah get mad. Look, Utah People. I deal with horse jokes all the time, get used to the polygamy jokes. Its part of the landscape. Would you rather live in Delaware where nobody even knows where your state is?

Overall, WPL is a nice place to live. Everyone here pays a “White People Fee” to keep the rifraf out. Well, that is, everyone but us. Since we live in an apartment, we don’t pay the fee. Instead, we have to deal with old people who feed the squirrels and the popo showing up in the parking lot for domestic violence disputes.

I know you may think that living in WPL can get boring. But really? Its fun to drive around slowly through their neighborhoods and take pictures of the houses. White People get scared easily.

One day, I’m going to grow up and become a White Person. And, when I do, I’m going to sit outside on my lawn in a thong and drink margaritas behind my closed gate. When you drive by and slow down to gawk at my house, I’ll give you the finger and send my immigrant workers to chase you down the street with eggs.

32 Responses to “Do Not Scare The White People”

  1. debutaunt
    June 17th, 2005 13:12

    Are those houses or cathedrals? Man, they are so ugly it makes them kind of pretty. In a gaudy, overdone kind of way. Like a prom dress from Tiajuana.

    Mas cervesa, por favor, Donde esta el bano, and la leche is blanca is about what three years of college Espanol got me. Damn, I’m stupid.

    Rock the apartment I say!

  2. ieatcrayonz
    June 17th, 2005 13:27

    I think that the last picture with the super green lawn is really pretty. It’s so pretty, in fact, that I believe that the lawn is actually shredded $100 bills.

  3. Alessandro Rosetti
    June 17th, 2005 13:28

    I hate white people. The hate ones them with to no vengeance. The hate ones them I know much that I want to spit on them when the I see them taking walks or on holiday. The hate ones their babies who I give not want to be touched. I hate them all over the the United States, especially in Cary, North Carolina.

  4. Whitey
    June 17th, 2005 13:40

    I hAtE alL TeH pplz in CaRy, NC!1!! So We R EvEn!!11!

  5. Elenor
    June 17th, 2005 13:47

    I agree about Cary… but in a less leet-speakish manner… It’s very much… White.

  6. clickmom
    June 17th, 2005 13:48

    I live in a charming McMansion in a distant WPL. Believe me, I am scared too. While I may pass for one of them on the outside, I do not truly belong here. (Can’t play tennis, no nanny or even a single hidden illegal immigrant, and I am can’t even mix a proper martini.) I am waiting for them to figure it out and seek their revenge. Shhhhh, I think I hear them outside my house, walking down the street…..

  7. d
    June 17th, 2005 13:49

    Thanks for the laugh. That’s it, nothing witty or funny to say. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate your writing. Does it make me a total bitch that I love it when you poke fun a people and stir up controversy? Loving the comments on this one almost as much as the post (see above), lol.

  8. Chickie
    June 17th, 2005 13:52

    Those kinds of neighborhoods are creepy. I would love to sneak out some night and sprinkle grass killer on random lawns in neighborhoods like that. I bet it would make the 6 o’clock news.

  9. Floyd
    June 17th, 2005 13:58

    Ummm…the WPL fee is getting kinda high in my neighboorhood. Would you please be a good pal and find out what kind of rates the white people are paying in your area? Cause you know, a move might be in order…I’ll have to assemble my immigrant moving team though….

  10. some girl
    June 17th, 2005 14:05

    I am going to WPL this weekend, I was giving a friend directions and he commented that if needed, he would just find some white person to ask directions, I told him all he’ll see are white people. I think he thought I was kidding and playing along with his joke. It was so not a joke.

  11. colin alton
    June 17th, 2005 14:07

    Rachel I have been reading your blog for about four months now, ever since I read about you in the Washington Post. I love your sarcastic sense of humor! Colin

  12. Curly Girl
    June 17th, 2005 14:08

    i am in the wpl. i grew up here. and that post was so funny i almost wet myself and unfortunately so true. white people are scared. lets drive around and scare them!

  13. Y
    June 17th, 2005 14:11

    I live in white people land, only, the white people are poor white people who think they are going to get rich from digging in dumpsters to collect junk that they LITERALLY fill their house with and try to sell on Ebay.

    And the only people THEY are scared of are the mother fucking police. Because of their crack, ya know.

  14. Torrie
    June 17th, 2005 14:37

    That was great!
    Oh boy, you are going to piss some people OFF with this post.
    I LOVE it!
    Please don’t delete the angry comments. I can’t wait to see them.

  15. Heatheranne
    June 17th, 2005 14:54

    You know what’s scary about the white people? They’re taking over! There is this town not too far from where I live called New Albany. Fifteen years ago if we drove through to go to Columbus and we blinked, we’d miss it. The only thing New Albany was known for is being a speed trap and for a fun little ice cream stand in the summer.

    Now, there’s million dollar houses and people are selling their firt born to move in to New Albany.

    I’m telling you, the white people are taking over!

  16. Jazzy
    June 17th, 2005 14:55

    I must have been the other one who voted for Kerry. Oh yeah, I only work in WPL I don’t have to live there! Now, tell me, how did you get into CW? ;-)

  17. Jessica
    June 17th, 2005 14:59

    You think those houses are ugly, you should see the overdone shitholes in the Carmel Valley/Highlands. The only thing those houses have going for them is the view, which is a spectacular vertical drop of cliff into the raging Pacific. If we’re lucky, those ugly homes will slide off that cliff into the ocean.

    Sorry, I’m bitter against people like that. Long story.

  18. Queen of Ass
    June 17th, 2005 15:16

    Look here, Ma’am! Don’t be taking any more pictures of my real estate! Especially, please don’t show my accountant! In fact, don’t send them to the IRS either! Damn it! I should’ve just ran in my expensive high heals after your car and just bought that damn camera right from you! Only I wouldn’t want to touch it. I’d have to have some of the hired help do that. “Oh, Jose?????”

  19. L
    June 17th, 2005 15:48

    I’m from Utah, and if you look at a color coded break down by county of the 2004 election, Utah is the reddest red state, redder than Texas even. I think the only kerry votes inthe state came from downtown Salt Lake City, which is also the only place in the state with people who are not a)mormon or b)whiter than white.

  20. AMy
    June 17th, 2005 16:06

    God, what have you got against Delaware? We have feelings too, you know. Sob.

  21. Linda
    June 17th, 2005 18:03

    You are so hilarious. Luckily, I do not live near a WPL anymore. I used to but then it got all infested with people like me and it became APL (asian people land) - you know, the neighborhood of large homes where 4 different kinds of suped up honda civics, large SUV’s and leased BMW’s are parked outside and entire families live together, including grannmah and the little yorkie.
    now I live in OPL (old people land) - townhouse neighborhood with OLD, retired people and their batty dogs. Fun.

  22. Citizen Mom
    June 17th, 2005 20:22

    “the popo”

  23. Heather
    June 17th, 2005 21:18

    Hee hee. I love WPL! It’s the place you think you want to live, until you visit. Kinda like Flordia.

  24. janna
    June 17th, 2005 22:48

    GASP! That’s MY HOUSE!

    I kid! Oh, how I kid. But I do have friends who have houses like that, and if they knew that I cut my own lawn (i.e. that of my parents), they might just stop talking to me.

  25. MollieBee
    June 18th, 2005 00:13

    can I be cuban when I grow up?

  26. Bella Ozfemme
    June 18th, 2005 01:18

    Heh….I wonder if any of the scared WP will recognise their houses?

  27. honey bunny
    June 18th, 2005 08:19

    Would you rather live in Delaware where nobody even knows where your state is?

    that had me laughing SO HARD! i love it!

    i don’t know anyone with houses like that. it looks more like beaverly (heehee!) hills than texass. massachusetts has SOME white people housing but that’s in Marble head and Manchester-By-The-Sea (say that all snooty like and you’ll be right on!) anyway, i’ll never live in white people land with the debt i have. ever.

  28. Eve
    June 18th, 2005 15:37

    My mansion is eight times as big as those ones. But it is safely enclosed in a giant golden private jet, high high above all of your middle class germs, with a force field around it so all of you NON White People cannot lay your poor, dirty, coveting eyes all over it.

  29. jessca
    June 18th, 2005 19:54

    Eve, how’s your internet connection from up there?

  30. Sarcastic Journalist
    June 18th, 2005 20:15

    Jessica, do not speak directly to the Rich White People. They would like to keep their air space fresh and clean.

  31. Beth
    June 18th, 2005 20:46

    ::drooling incessantly over those houses with neon green sod-grass::

  32. janna
    June 18th, 2005 23:20

    Beth, stop drooling. The grass– if you are not sufficiently white to consider/be able to afford to hire immigrant workers to cut it– is the devil. Picture this: It’s ten in the morning. Why, I think I’ll cut the grass, you say. You drag out the lawn mower and start it. Forty minutes later only a quarter of your tenth-of-an-acre sized lawn is mown, and your shins are covered in red ant bites, and the mower is out of gas, and you’ve lost two gallons of sweat. And the immigrant workers across the street are pointing and laughing at your primitive tools and your not-white-enough-butt.

    So don’t drool. It only encourages the devil lawn to grow.

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