Projectiles

June 14th, 2005

We hardly go out of town anymore. Even a weekend trip to visit family becomes a three ring circus when a child is involved. Since it has been entirely too long since the circus has come to town, we decided to go to a town a few hours away to visit family this weekend and, of course, we brought the child. That’s who everyone wants to see, anyway.

Don’t these people care about ME, the child that had meningitis and went deaf in one ear? Hello! I could have died! What about me? Me? The person who gave birth to that grandbaby???

I lay in bed on Saturday night, a hard, uncomfortable not to mention small bed next to The Hubs as Miss E whined and moaned in her playcrib. I thought to myself how travelling with a small child is like playing the cruise director for a bunch of drunks.

She still isn’t walking around but will wobble like the best of the drunks when you hold her hand. She throws things and moans and requires constant entertainment because man, eating carpet lint can entertain for only so long.

We had a variety of “not special” toys, meaning that if we accidentally lost one, it wouldn’t be the end of the world as we know it, several blankets, changes of outfits, diapers and one very large and very smelly babycage.

So, on Sunday morning, I took my position as Cruise Director only somewhat seriously as I went into the bedroom to see exactly why my child was crying. I expected a teary, snot-covered child to drunkingly demand for Schuffleboard to start NOW.

Instead, I saw a scene from The Exorcist. Vomit. Projectile vomit to be exact. All over the nice, pretty carpet. And her playpen. And the child and all of her toys plus my clothes.

Vomit for everyone!

It could have easily been a scene from Double Dare where the contestants (Mom and Dad) try to catch the projectile vomit so they could run across the room and dump it in a container to fill to the one liter mark. Then, if we caught all the vomit, we would have gone on a trip to Hawaii!

Instead, I scooped her up in my arms and carried her into the hallway, where she proceeded to vomit all over my outfit and the floor. Family members rushed over to me as the vomit went this way and that way, including my favorite sweater jacket.

That’s the thing about parenthood. One minute you’re playing Cruise Director and next you’re on vomit patrol, holding your infant above the kitchen sink as enough rice to feed China flows from her mouth.

Looking back, I wish I would have collected all the rice to see just how much was really there. I mean, seriously, how did she eat so much rice? But that’s my weird personality traits coming out, the part of me that likes to line things up and look at them.

Oddly enough, I didn’t mind the fact that I was covered in my child’s vomit. I could have cared less if she had vomited in my hair and smeared it across my face; all I cared about was how that baby felt.

Since then, the diarrhea and the rash fairies have come to visit and lay claim onto my child’s body. Nothing too serious, just a little poopy and a little rash. Dr. Grandma came by to visit last night to look at her “rash,” which she said was just something “viral.”

“I’ve never heard of a viral rash before,” I yelled. “That’s a lie!”

Then she told me to get over it and she went on to play with my child, forgetting all about the rash. I guess if Dr. Grandma isn’t worried, I don’t need to worry as well.

I’ve learned, however, that if she’s going to throw up again, I’m going to be ready. I’ll pull out a large bowl and a strainer. Then I’ll measure the amount she threw up and walk around for weeks, mumbling that “It can’t be right. Not that much rice.”

28 Comments

  1. debutaunt wrote,

    Just when you think they are done, and are on the phone with the pediatrician, they puke all over you yet again.

    It gets better when they can talk a little bit. Then you have like a .0002 second warning before they puke everywhere.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 10:45 am

  2. Wendi wrote,

    I hope Ellie-bear starts feeling better quickly! Poor little thing!

    As for the “You don’t exist_just bring me the baby” thing…Yeah…it pretty much stays that way! Especially if you ever move away from family. My kids are 15 and 9…and anytime I see MY PARENTS….they could care less about ME…all they want to do is see my KIDS! And they aren’t even cute, cuddly babies anymore!

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 10:56 am

  3. Torrie wrote,

    Isn’t it amazing how much vomit can come out of such a little body?

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 11:19 am

  4. Ninotchka wrote,

    Aww, I hope she feels better. I personally like the little shoulder shrug they do right before up-chucking. Only babies and dogs do it and it’s oh. so. cute. Yes, I really think that. So sue me. lol

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 11:43 am

  5. -A- wrote,

    It is amazing how so much vomit can come out of such a little body. I’ve never figured out where it gets stored. :)

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 12:56 pm

  6. Rowan wrote,

    So sorry about the puking princess. I have one that vomits every day. Blech….
    At the hospital, they gave us this cute little pink emisis basin. Yah, right. Those things are not only tiny, but narrow in the middle. Have you ever tried to catch projectile vomit in something so small?
    The sink is a great place to hang a barfing baby, but we’ve learned to keep containers everywhere. A friend of ours swears by her big CoolWhip container. “Its got a lid!”

    I hope the rash clears up soon for you all.

    On another note, though. I love your observation “I thought to myself how travelling with a small child is like playing the cruise director for a bunch of drunks.”

    My husband irreverently refers to all children as drunken midgets. Not exactly P.C., but that’s hardly his concern. The cruise direector part is what struck a chord with me. I thought, “Yes, yes, that’s it exactly.”

    Thank you. And again, good luck with the vomit.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 1:04 pm

  7. Beth wrote,

    Aw, poor baby! If it’s a diaper rash she’s got (acid stomach causing the vomiting, then causing weird poop), you might try wiping her bottom with a vinegar-water solution and dabbing vitamin E oil on afterward. Our pediatrician recommended this and it totally works wonders. Regular baby wipes can irritate at times.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 1:16 pm

  8. Laura wrote,

    Yeah…there is such a thing as a “viral rash”. It’s a handy term peditricians use to dismiss first time parents’ concerns and make them feel like idiots.

    Your story reminded me of when I went to pick my child up out of her crib and she puked down my back and into my shoes. I just held her in one place b/c rather than thinking of my baby’s welfare, I was concerned with the fact that we would have a trail of vomit throughout the house.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 1:50 pm

  9. Cristina wrote,

    It doesn’t sound like you should be to worried about it. The rash is probably caused the irritation from here filling up her diaper with liquid. This past Dec. was a BAD month for my kiddos. They both caught pneumonia and after that was over they proceeded to contract a nasty stomach virus. It was just like the exorcist it was the pea green projectile vomit. Yeah good times.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 1:51 pm

  10. Chuck wrote,

    You get used to it, really you do. You learn to always plan ahead and be ready for anything and it just is somthing you do after a while. I have 6 monsters and even though one was pukeing within minutes of me reading your bolg, I have learned to keep heads pointed in the right way. BTW Diapers are great at catching puke, and easy to wrap up and toss…

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 2:17 pm

  11. The Merry Widow wrote,

    Should I come over with my crucifix and some holy water? J/K. I hope Miss E gets better soon!!!

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 3:49 pm

  12. Spurious Plum wrote,

    ‘Say it, don’t spray it’ takes on new meaning today….

    Poor thing! Get better soon, little one!

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 3:58 pm

  13. Texas T-bone wrote,

    I’d rather travel with a small child than a teen-ager anyday. Have you seen the vomit that can come out of the latter beings?

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 5:04 pm

  14. Kellie wrote,

    Ha, when Jagger pukes, my first thought is usually along the lines of ,”Oh, God, I have his puke on me. I am going to vomit all over the place.” Then I think about how he might be feeling. Your a way better mom than me.

    I hope Ellie starts feeling better

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 5:11 pm

  15. clickmom wrote,

    I have three and have to say, they all do it differently. One gives warning the others none. But, that being said, a couple of episodes and you’ll have her figured out. I can look at mine and know when something is going on.

    Although I definitely think there is some correlation to the amount they eat the night before and how sick they will be hours later. Isn’t it weird to think of such a massive dinner being in that little tummy 14 hours later?? What happened to digestion?

    Hope Ellie bear is back on her feet (knees?) soon.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 5:36 pm

  16. Sarcastic Journalist wrote,

    I haven’t read all the comments yet but the rash is all over her body in addition to the diaper rash.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 6:14 pm

  17. Sarcomical wrote,

    i may be sick.

    ew.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 6:35 pm

  18. Shalini wrote,

    hope she feels better soon… is she allergic to the rice/rice product?

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 6:56 pm

  19. Lindsay wrote,

    Your precious child’s sickness aside (bless her heart), that last line was fucking hilarious.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 7:56 pm

  20. Autumn wrote,

    I feel your mommy pain and appreciate your sense of humor. How sterile is that comment? :)

    Hope she’s feeling better by now.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 8:36 pm

  21. kim wrote,

    I remember the moment I realized I was *really* a mom…when I was catching puke in my hands just so it wouldn’t land on my new couch and I didn’t even care.

    That’s true, unconditional love.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 10:34 pm

  22. kim wrote,

    Oh…and my daughter was one of those babies who could projectile vomit at will. She did it EVERY night for a year just to get out of bed. She’d cry for 2 minutes, then sound like she was posessed…we’d go running in and she’d be standing in a pile of puke, huge grin, with her arms up. Total power trip.

    I’m SO afraid of the teen years. I think we may just lose that battle.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 10:38 pm

  23. Tonja wrote,

    You probably don’t want to hear it, but the fun only increases when you have two!

    Comment on 6/15/2005 @ 7:57 am

  24. SJ wrote,

    The vomit thing with your own child is something one never, ever envisions NOT grossing them out, is it? Yet, you just do it, clean it up, take care of it, without thinking. (In fact, one never, ever envisions things having to do with vomit at all. Crazy kids. Ruin a good vomit-free life, won’t you?) Here’s a vomit story of mine that should be shared with you, who can understand. :)

    Comment on 6/15/2005 @ 8:21 am

  25. suze wrote,

    awww…poor ellie…
    hope she feels better soon.

    Comment on 6/15/2005 @ 10:00 am

  26. kristine wrote,

    Kara would, without fail, barf in her hat.

    I hate the smell of capri sun now.

    Comment on 6/15/2005 @ 11:36 am

  27. Heather wrote,

    This topic is strange…on the Today show they talked about a college student getting expelled for vomiting on his professor. It is being deamed “a violent” act. How weird!!

    Comment on 6/15/2005 @ 11:56 am

  28. christina wrote,

    poor Ellie. I hope she’s better soon and back to eating carpet lint.

    Comment on 6/15/2005 @ 3:33 pm

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