Bad Advice for Everyone!

Hi so yeah. Bad advice. You want it, I’ll give it. And, you know, since I’m all Cra-zy, I’m not going to tell you what is “real” advice and what is “really bad” advice.

I don’t know why I hate to clean my house? I just hate it. From: Anon

Dear Anon,
You hate to clean your house because you are messy. I think it has something to do with your parents. Blame your parents and write them a nasty letter, explaining that they have ruined your life and you’d like your cut of the will now.

My bff never calls me back after I leave her like 15 messages saying, “Umm yeah this is my 15th message in 4 days, how about a call back?” it gets so irritating and besides that it is just plain rude. I don’t care how lucrative her career is or how many kids she has, call a sista back. Am I right? And how do I get through to her that I want her to return my calls?!
Thanks, Aitch

Dear Aitch: When people do this to me, I always come back at them with the same thing. Call your “friend” and leave a message that says something like this: “This is Aitch! I’m having an emergency, please call back.” When this friend calls back, pretend that you didn’t say anything about an emergency. That will show her you mean business.

My 13-month-old still sleeps in the bed with me and pulls my hair all night. I’m his comfort blankie or whatever. How in the hell do I get the lil shit (adorable lil shit, but still) to sleep in his own bed without him crying all night? And don’t suggest Benadryl b/c my pediatrician already did and that DIDN’T FUCKING WORK.

Since I know you are the end-all-know-all authority on the youngins, I thought I’d skip over Dr. Spock and address my concerns to you, the goddess of tranquil nights.
From: Mama

Mama, every time your child pulls on your hair, squirt him in the face with a watergun. You can also try and make the world’s most annoying noise ever. Yeah, I know this sounds dumb, but when my kid does something that I don’t like, I start with the noise. It usually works. Since he’s over a year, he probably knows the joy of candy. Why don’t you hide candy in his bed? Or, even better, make a monster jump out of the closet each night in your room. Soon his bed is going to start looking really, really nice.

My wonderful daughter turned one on May 29. She is the first grandchild on both sides of the family. The hubs family turned out and celebrated like normal, nice people do. Besides my brother and sister who sent a card and/or called, my family did not even acknowledge the day. So far I have done nothing about this, but it bugs me. What would you suggest? I am open to voodoo and hitmen or ninjas.
Vengefully yours,
Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,
When your family asks why they didn’t get any Christmas presents from you, kindly explain you’re saving all the money you would have spent on presents for therapy for your child since her own family ignores her. If that doesn’t get through to them, I highly suggest sending a stripper to their places of work.

Any ideas how to keep pants on a 15 month old? We’ve considered duct tape, as it does come in many different colors, but other suggestions are welcome.
Comment by Pam

One time, in college, I thought it would be really cool to wrap myself up in syran wrap. However, soon I realized that I was going to “Christian school” so I to wear clothes under the syran wrap. Why don’t you cover your child in syran wrap? Yeah, he/she may get a little sweaty but that is what he/she gets for taking off his/her pants in the first place.

Expanding on Pam’s Pants Problem, I can’t even get pant ON my 3 year old. I’m not exaggerating here, she has not worn pants in a year. ONE YEAR. That’s a year of dresses and skirts and shorts. And lots of nakedness. I have so many pairs of cute pants I want her to wear, plus it’s embarrassing taking a 3-year-old to the grocery store when she’s wearing a swimsuit. And ideas? Lay it on me baby!
Pantsless in Seattle

Okay, this kiddo is three. Its time to pull out the “pants jar.” Every time the kiddo wears her pants for an entire day without taking them off in public, she gets to put a piece of paper in the jar. Once the jar is full, she wins a prize! I also recommend shock therapy if all else fails. Just don’t do the shock therapy in water because, um, that’s not a good idea.

I’m pregnant with a married man’s baby. What do I do?

First, check for herpes. All married men have herpes. Second, make him sign some form that says “I will not run away when you become a big huge hormonal mess.” If he does, you get all his money. Make sure you always refer to him as your “baby daddy” because, man, that’s really hip.

what are SJ’s best tips for keeping things HOT? From: Sarcomical.

My secret for keeping things hot is to always have people over. Nothing says “I want to do you” more than having your inlaws in the living room. Why? Because you will get to relive the high school glory days of having boys touching your boobies at the movie theater. If that doesn’t work, I suggest a double ended dildo.

Dear Smart SJ, so wise in the ways of the babies… I third the request above. How can I get my baby out of our bed? She is just not going for it – even a cosleeper right next to the bed is too far away for her. She is four months old now, but better sooner than later (I think). Any clever tricks that you have discovered with Ellie? From: Laura

Dear Laura: We employed the cry it out version. I highly suggest investing in alcohol, earplugs and a very loud tv. Basically, bring the kiddo into her room, put her in there for five minutes. Go back in after 5, calm her down, give her a bottle, etc. Don’t pick her up. Leave. Repeat in 7 minutes. Repeat in 10 minutes. Repeat in 12 minutes. If that doesn’t work, kindly explain to her that she’s cramping mama’s style. Explain that you really would like a Meat Injection in your own bed. Tell her about a woman’s desire. If she still doesn’t listen, tell her that you’re totally going to show her prom date that picture of her in the tub where you see full frontal vagina.

Dear SJ, I have decided to be a virgin until marriage, but I have a boyfriend who would rather try before buying, so how do I cool him off without completly turning him away?! (of course, being the good girl I am…) From the Sexy Virgin.

Dear Sexy,
I stayed a virgin until marriage, too! My first advice is to NOT give in to doing it. You know, I know too many people who did that, ended up breaking up and now have done about 5,499 people in the year since. There’s always um, “Walking the dog” but I’m not really too big into that. There’s also um, you know, oral. All the kids are doing that. Just don’t do anal. He won’t respect you in the morning. If he really wants to try it before he buys it, why don’t you get him one of those fake vaginas? That way, you can watch him at it to make sure he’s good at what he does. Also? Make sure to get a glimpse at the goods because, um, you don’t want a surprise after you’ve tied the knot. Because, Sexy, Size does matter.

22 Comments

  1. SJ, you give the BEST advice!!

    Comment by Crystal — 6/9/2005 @ 12:02 am

  2. First, check for herpes. All married men have herpes.

    HAHAH

    Comment by Paige — 6/9/2005 @ 4:22 am

  3. Have you ever realised that it’s all feast or famine with you?

    I can go to bed and wake up to two new posts. I’ll read them both and maybe have time to comment on one. Then I do my everyday stuff, run around after the ferals, feed them etc, and I come back and you’ve posted more. Now I’m not sure what to comment about. There’s lots to say but where do I start?
    Then on the weekends there’s nothing. I check, just in case but usually you don’t post on weekends.

    I think I’m going to have to become a late commenter.

    Keep well.

    Comment by brilly — 6/9/2005 @ 5:15 am

  4. Googles “walking the dog”

    Comment by Sexy Virgin — 6/9/2005 @ 6:24 am

  5. ROFLMAOWMP! (I was even reading these outloud to my husband, who is ALSO cracking up)

    Comment by Erin — 6/9/2005 @ 6:37 am

  6. You are just so good at giving advice! I wish I had a question, but I just don’t right now.

    Comment by Priscilla — 6/9/2005 @ 8:02 am

  7. You typed “syran wrap” I think you meant “syrian wrap” which is, of course, the original name for the condom. Invented by syrians out of camel gut. If more married men used “syrian wraps” there would be a lot less herpes.

    Comment by bob — 6/9/2005 @ 8:15 am

  8. that is some funny shit. i’m going to try that water gun trick on my 5 year old who still manages to sneak into my room every damn night.

    Comment by sam — 6/9/2005 @ 9:23 am

  9. Meat Injection! lollllllll
    Anyway, I do use the watergun trick on my kids when they start fighting.
    Long live SJ!

    Comment by Ice Queen — 6/9/2005 @ 9:32 am

  10. Fucking hilarious, girl! I can’t wait ’til next Thursday. LOL

    Comment by Ninotchka — 6/9/2005 @ 11:33 am

  11. Hey sexy virgin, let us know what you find for a definition of “walking the dog"…my mind is racing…WTF is that?
    SJ~MEAT INJECTION!?! HAHAHAHAHAHA my new favorite phrase.

    Comment by dazed — 6/9/2005 @ 11:51 am

  12. lol just found the meaning of walking the dog!! So funny, never heard that one before….think: beating the meat, choking the chicken, etc. Found it on urbandictionary.com Still laughing, and I also love the phrase “meat injection” you’re too funny!! :)

    Comment by Priscilla — 6/9/2005 @ 11:56 am

  13. Walking the dog= spanking the monkey, waxing the bald headed bishop.

    Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — 6/9/2005 @ 11:57 am

  14. Thanks. Best advice ever. Sorry you don’t get to call it bad advice. I’m laughing too hard. Laughter is the best medicine - I think it also goes well with advice. I’m on it.

    Comment by Rebecca — 6/9/2005 @ 12:05 pm

  15. You should have your own column.

    Comment by Torrie — 6/9/2005 @ 12:08 pm

  16. admit it, its all real advice, isn’t it?

    Today someone told me that she had to stay at a hotel this weekend, but can’t sleep with the baby in her room, so she is getting the baby her own (adjoining) hotel room. So I suggested she put the baby (in the pack & play) in the closet, or the bathroom. Apparently NOT OK. I think her exact words were “child abuser". But getting the baby her own hotel room, totally normal.

    SJ, am I a child abuser really? I mean, I’d totally put my dogs in the closet. Its practically the same thing.

    Comment by halloweenlover — 6/9/2005 @ 2:45 pm

  17. I want advice! Um, now for a problem. Problem, problem, problem. I like this guy and he is not really aware that I am female. What do I do? Besides bludgeoning him over the head and dragging him back to my place and seducing him. Because, dammit! I want a meat injection! 8 years, people! 8! I’m getting desperate!

    Comment by DM — 6/9/2005 @ 3:17 pm

  18. Love love love your advice – I laughed right out loud and am hauling my husband in here so he can read it too. This advice column is a great feature, and I hope you keep it a weekly thing!

    Comment by laura floyd — 6/9/2005 @ 9:39 pm

  19. aha. but does it need to be in-laws? what can i substitute? because i really don’t want to have the m.i.l. stopping in more often than necessary.

    Comment by Sarcomical — 6/10/2005 @ 12:57 am

  20. My ex husband was very into anal sex. Unfortunately for him, I didn’t share this particular inclination. I swear, I am SURE he developed this taste b/c he dated lots of virgins.

    Now virgins of the world, I’d like to share a little something with you…ramming a giant cock up your ass does not, I repeat, DOES NOT preserve your PURITY!!!!

    Comment by Laura — 6/10/2005 @ 6:35 am

  21. oh my god, SJ! i love you! this is HYSTERICAL! i was laughing out loud here at my desk. thankfully, graduation was yesterday so all the harvardites are GONE! your advice is awesome. now i’m totally going to look forward to thursday!

    ps) i like butt sex.

    Comment by honey bunny — 6/10/2005 @ 10:21 am

  22. …as I sit here practicing my annoying noises with “poop goes in the potty” running through my head…

    gngaaaaaackk (in a loud whiney voice) seems to be my favorite so far.

    Comment by Rowan — 6/14/2005 @ 3:43 pm

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