Bad Advice Thursdays!

I have a friend who told me that I was a lot “nicer” and “happier” once I went on “the meds.” Yes, its true, the meds took some of my edge off and, trust me, I have a lot of edge. In fact, on most days, my edge resembles the Grand Canyon.

During pregnancy, my edge is the size of Russia. Woohoo! Crazy ladies for everyone!

I mentioned to my therapist yesterday how I felt very “sad” for things I’ve done in the past. I thought it was odd because these “sad” feelings were coming out of nowhere. It turns out, and I’m not lying here, she said “You are feeling remorse! We’re all starting to see your human side!”

Turns out that many people think I put up a very big, very thick barrier around myself. If you mess with me, I’ll mess back with you, but I’ll mess back in the way that says I’ll cut you deep because you gave me a bruise.

Ha! None of this makes any sense because I’m crazy hormonal lady. So yea, during my last pregnancy, I had these horrible feelings as well, but I didn’t realize they were due to my pregnancy. No, I thought that I just hated everyone and they were all stupid and should die.

It turns out that my husband getting laid off, me getting in trouble at work, my getting fired, selling our house, losing our insurance and moving cross country to a ghetto apartment wouldn’t have been as horrible if I wasn’t making an itty bitty person in my belly.

Recently a person told me that a coworker was annoying him. “Well,” I said. “You should definitely write all of it on the Internet because, man, people love it when you do that!”

Haha.

I now realize these crazy “I want to hurt people” feelings have to do with my hormones. Therefore, instead of writing one big post about my imaginary coworkers and how they piss me off, I’m channeling my rage in a good way.

Internet, I am introducing you to the wonder that is Bad Advice Thursday!

Yes, that’s right. Sure, you could write Dear Abby or call yo’ mama and ask what she thinks. But why, why do that when you could email the crazy pregnant ho on the internet who wants to cut people?

I need people to give advice to, yo. I may be crazy and tired and grumpy and full of breadsticks, but man, I can be pretty funny when I’m pissed off.

Email: Sj (at) shenuts (dot) com. We can make up fun fake names! Or? You can leave a comment and I’ll get to work.

So, people. Don’t let me down or I’ll have to cut someone. You don’t want that someone to be you.

18 Comments

  1. Dear SJ,

    My bff never calls me back after I leave her like 15 messages saying, “Umm yeah this is my 15th message in 4 days, how about a call back?” it gets so irritating and besides that it is just plain rude. I don’t care how lucrative her career is or how many kids she has, call a sista back. Am I right? And how do I get through to her that I want her to return my calls?!

    Thanks, Aitch

    Comment by Aitch — 6/8/2005 @ 5:15 pm

  2. My 13-month-old still sleeps in the bed with me and pulls my hair all night. I’m his comfort blankie or whatever. How in the hell do I get the lil shit (adorable lil shit, but still) to sleep in his own bed without him crying all night? And don’t suggest Benadryl b/c my pediatrician already did and that DIDN’T FUCKING WORK.

    Since I know you are the end-all-know-all authority on the youngins, I thought I’d skip over Dr. Spock and address my concerns to you, the goddess of tranquil nights.

    Comment by Mama — 6/8/2005 @ 5:17 pm

  3. I don’t need advice this week (I’ll check back in next week), but since someone already mentioned problems with kids sleeping in the parents’ bed, what would be your advice for this poor shlub?

    http://slate.msn.com/id/2119985/

    Comment by poobou — 6/8/2005 @ 5:46 pm

  4. Oh, thank heavens my baby is only 13 months! I can’t imagine a 7 year old!

    Oh, and did anyone else notice that Prudence went all AssUMing on this dude, talking about a lack of sex and celebacy and just going on about how this guy’s not getting any but the guy totally didn’t mention sex? For all Prudy knows, they’re doing it every day like rabbits in the bathroom. Just because they don’t sleep together doesn’t mean they don’t “sleep together.”

    SJ, you should totally steal Prudence’s job. I’ll send an e-mail to the folks in charge of the internet.

    Comment by Mama — 6/8/2005 @ 7:32 pm

  5. So, uh, Hi SJ. I usually only lurk, but since you are offering free advice, I thought I’d come see what wisdom you can offer me. My wonderful daughter turned one on May 29. She is the first grandchild on both sides of the family. The hubs family turned out and celebrated like normal, nice people do. Besides my brother and sister who sent a card and/or called, my family did not even acknowledge the day. So far I have done nothing about this, but it bugs me. What would you suggest? I am open to voodoo and hitmen or ninjas.

    Vengefully yours,

    Stephanie

    Comment by stephanie — 6/8/2005 @ 7:37 pm

  6. Dear SJ,
    Any ideas how to keep pants on a 15 month old? We’ve considered duct tape, as it does come in many different colors, but other suggestions are welcome.

    Comment by Pam — 6/8/2005 @ 7:46 pm

  7. I SO need bad advice to round out my own personal stupidity and lame everyday decisions. Looking forward to it! Killer idea :-)

    Comment by Chris — 6/8/2005 @ 7:48 pm

  8. Expanding on Pam’s Pants Problem, I can’t even get pant ON my 3 year old. I’m not exaggerating here, she has not worn pants in a year. ONE YEAR. That’s a year of dresses and skirts and shorts. And lots of nakedness. I have so many pairs of cute pants I want her to wear, plus it’s embarrassing taking a 3-year-old to the grocery store when she’s wearing a swimsuit. And ideas? Lay it on me baby!

    Pantsless in Seattle

    Comment by Karli — 6/8/2005 @ 7:51 pm

  9. Dear Smart SJ, so wise in the ways of the babies… I third the request above. How can I get my baby out of our bed? She is just not going for it – even a cosleeper right next to the bed is too far away for her. She is four months old now, but better sooner than later (I think). Any clever tricks that you have discovered with Ellie? Thank you for so kindly offering your pearls of wisdom to all of us on the internets.

    Comment by laura floyd — 6/8/2005 @ 8:07 pm

  10. Mama, I’m in charge of the Internet on Thursdays. But don’t send me an email because I’m really behind on requests already. Thanks.

    Comment by bob — 6/8/2005 @ 8:36 pm

  11. I don’t know why I hate to clean my house? I just hate it.

    Comment by anonymous — 6/8/2005 @ 8:37 pm

  12. Can I be your co-advice giver?

    If you say no, you’re going DOWN.

    Comment by Y — 6/8/2005 @ 9:04 pm

  13. I have no advice questions, but DAMN, I can’t wait to read your answers! ;)

    Comment by coffeegirl — 6/8/2005 @ 9:12 pm

  14. man, SJ. i feel like an ASS. a ROYAL ass. i didn’t catch that whole, um, pregnant thing until just now. i mean, i’ve read you a bit during these last couple of crazy weeks but obviously i’ve been ADD-reading you because i just now got it and can i say HOLY CRAP! congratulations!!!! my internet BFF is prego and i slack off like jerk.

    ASS. is me.

    i have a question for you: what are SJ’s best tips for keeping things HOT? ;)

    Comment by Sarcomical — 6/8/2005 @ 10:07 pm

  15. Dear SJ, I have decided to be a virgin until marriage, but I have a boyfriend who would rather try before buying, so how do I cool him off without completly turning him away?! (of course, being the good girl I am…)

    Comment by Sexy Virgin — 6/8/2005 @ 10:40 pm

  16. Um, what is this “internet BFF” that sarcomical speaks of, Miss SJ?

    Who’s cheating on WHO, and who’s the hizore NOW, beyotch?!

    Comment by Y — 6/8/2005 @ 11:04 pm

  17. Now where have I heard of this idea before? Hmm, can’t quite remember… Oh yeah! When I started doing it. Yeesh! You could have waited a couple more days since Melissa’s post before co-opting the idea!
    miao.

    Comment by TeriLynn — 6/9/2005 @ 7:30 pm

  18. Yup you heard it here. That’s all I do. Steal other people’s ideas. That’s after I steal their underwear. And sniff it.

    Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — 6/9/2005 @ 7:54 pm

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