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The Post Where I Anger Both Dog and Baby Lovers

When I was little, my grandma told me if I opened an umbrella in the house, snakes would fall out of it.

“A relative” thought that if you tickeled her baby, the baby would grow up to stutter, dashing all hopes of her becoming Miss America.

We were at the grocery store recently at The Hubs snuck Miss E a bite of donut. “You can’t feed her that!” I said. “It has chocolate in it.”

Wait. No, you aren’t supposed to feed chocolate to dogs, not babies. I guess babies can have chocolate, if you can get over that whole “my baby is going to be a sugar junkie” aspect. Yea for cavities and obesity!

That happens to me a lot. I get confused if the “rule” is in relation to dogs or babies. You know, if your baby poops, you rub her nose in it. No, wait. That’s a dog.

I sometimes find myself saying that babies are a lot like dogs. You know, they both poop and scream and beg to eat. They also bite. However, there’s one thing that kind of irks me. Its when people say”I have a dog so I totally relate with having children.”

Uh, no. That dog did not come out of your vagina so right there that doesn’t fly with me. I bet that doggie never sucked on your boobie, either.

The phrase “fur babies” irks me. I guess people use it when they want to discuss their doggies and how much they love their doggies.

Oookaaay. Why stop there? What about people who have fish? Are they “scale babies?” Birds? “Feather babies?”

We must rise up against the racism against bird owners! People, this is serious. We can’t let the dog people think that they know everything!

Remember, they think that having a dog is like having a kid. Even though dogs and babies are eerily similar, having them is not the same.

Let me leave you with this: You can’t put a baby in a cage. Or put it to sleep when it pees on the couch one too many times. Well, you can’t without someone “reporting” you to the “authorities.” Think about it.

47 Responses to “The Post Where I Anger Both Dog and Baby Lovers”

  1. Christina
    June 7th, 2005 22:33
    1

    I remember asking the doctor is Lexie was ready for people food yet…my husband just laughed and said, “she’s not a dog you know.”

  2. Kellie
    June 7th, 2005 23:33
    2

    “Let me leave you with this: You can’t put a baby in a cage. Or put it to sleep when it pees on the couch one too many times. Well, you can’t without someone “reporting” you to the “authorities.” Think about it.”

    That is why dogs are superior! :-)

  3. ~Tim
    June 7th, 2005 23:46
    3

    I have two dogs and many nieces and nephews, ut no kids of my own. I could give you a hundred reasons why dogs are better than kids!

  4. Badger
    June 7th, 2005 23:49
    4

    Hahahaaa! Dude, I had a dog before I had a kid, and I totally thought having a dog was JUST LIKE having a kid. And then I, you know, had a kid. And then I had another one. And then I got rid of the dog.

    However, I still maintain that puppies are just babies with sharp teeth who don’t wear diapers. The horror!

  5. jenB
    June 8th, 2005 01:19
    5

    your favourite person, oprah, is all about the fur babies. makes me want to kill her. one of many things that do.

  6. Anu
    June 8th, 2005 04:08
    6

    If you put your dog in a cage or to sleep cause it peed on the couch too many times, there are still authorities who would get you for that. What’s wrong with putting your ugly baby in a cage?

    Editor’s Note: I am going to take the benefit of the doubt and hope that you are using the hypothetical “you” and aren’t saying my baby is ugly. Because if you are saying that, I will need your address so I can send you a poopy diaper in the mail.

  7. Priscilla
    June 8th, 2005 05:18
    7

    The whole chocolate thing reminded me of friends of ours. Their pediatrician told them not to give their baby chocolate before he was one. The mom nearly passed out at Halloween when my hubby gave their son an M&M. Let a kid be a kid!
    And no, having a dog is way easier than having a child!!

  8. Robotnik
    June 8th, 2005 06:05
    8

    Oh I am so up your ass about this…it IRKS me to no end when I hear that from people who’ve never had kids. “Well, I have dogs, so I know what you’re saying.” Fuckers! Edjits! All of them who think that. Yea huh?! Does your fucking dog wail for 45 minutes every night because he’s fighting sleep and he would like to play some more? Does your fucking dog need to be held and rocked from 2 am-5 am because he has a cold and is congested and can’t breathe without sounding like Darth Vader? Does your fucking dog demand that you sit with him, play with him, look at books with him, clings to you, whine and screams, throws food, get cranky because he hasn’t had his afternoon nap, throws up on your shoulder, get ear infections, need three meals a day plus snacks, sit in a high chair and makes a huge mess all around a 6 foot radius, need to be carried, strapped into a car seat, whine about not wanting this, not wanting that, wanting to be rocked to sleep, etc. etc. et-fucking cetera? Does your dog not let you take a shower because he needs you? Does your dog do that?

    Fuckers. I actually will end the conversation and look to leave ASAP, when I hear “Well, I have puppies, so I know what it’s like.”

  9. melanie
    June 8th, 2005 06:37
    9

    That is too funny!! I used to equate the “having a kid is just as easy as having a dog” thing. Then I had a kid. You can’t leave the kid at home while you go out for the evening. Well, I guess you could but…
    Anyway, other than that, they pretty much both wreak havoc on my house everyday.

  10. h.m.
    June 8th, 2005 08:02
    10

    THANK YOU. fur-babies is the most annoying phrase i’ve ever heard.
    i love my cat dearly, and i don’t have any kids yet, but common sense tells me that pet-owning is not a fraction like having kids.

    my childless boss calls her dogs “the girls”, they have their own room (”the girls’ room”), and she’ll leave work and go home if they’re puking.

  11. Citizen Mom
    June 8th, 2005 08:05
    11

    IMO, the only people who can use the term “fur babies” with a straight face are gay couples who can’t/won’t have actual children. And even they know how ridiculous it sounds…
    That being said, babies and dogs do have things in common, not the least of which is that you can teach both of them to fetch you a cold Diet Pepsi out the fridge so you don’t have to miss Tom Cruise on Oprah.

  12. ieatcrayonz
    June 8th, 2005 08:24
    12

    Props to the marketeer that advertises “scale babies” in a pet shop…and sells one. Even better, try selling them as “scabies.”

    Hmmm, I’d say my daughter is human, but I can’t keep her out of the dogfood bowl.

  13. halloweenlover
    June 8th, 2005 08:57
    13

    I call mine fur kids, is that the same thing?

    I do love my dogs excessively, but I never say anything comparing them to people’s babies, although sometimes in my head I think “yes yes, tango did that too.” If I said it out loud, though, then that person would have permission to pinch me.

    H.M. you wouldn’t go home if your cat was sick? My dogs don’t have their own room, but I would leave work if they were very sick.

  14. centuri0n
    June 8th, 2005 09:05
    14

    One difference between a baby and a dog is that one day your child will hate you for all you’ve just done for them for 14-16 years, and your dog will not.

    The other difference is that if you did love (phenomenally, not noumenally) your child for 14-16 years, about 10 years later they will realize what a shitty thing they did to you for the last 10 years and repent, while the dog will probably have to be replaced at least once in the course of 25 years and might take to eating out the the trash can and never repent.

    As a basic point of analogy, I’d refer to Dooce’s 16-month newsletter to Leta and point out the Chuck doesn’t get a newsletter, and Dooce was happy to smell Leta and doesn’t mention how Chuck might have smelled even after he slept on ever bed in the house.

  15. centuri0n
    June 8th, 2005 09:08
    15

    I forgot to mention: I love dogs. They are just not replacements for people.

  16. Em
    June 8th, 2005 09:33
    16

    I used to treat my dog like a baby but that was because I WANTED a baby so badly. I even dressed the poor thing up in hats. It was pathetic. But I was never under the illusion that it was LIKE having a child, only an outlet to get all my mothery stuff out. Now I am so mean to the stupid dog, I mean comparitively. One minute, you are wearing hats and going on vacation, the next someone is pissed that you are breathing your smelly breathe in their nose space. Sucks being a dog.

    So I sympathize with those people who think their pets are their children. I think they are delusional and a little touched but so am I so they’re ok by me.

  17. The Merry Widow
    June 8th, 2005 09:54
    17

    People and their dogs…after my husband died people would say things like, “Yeah, my dog died last year, so I totally know how you feel.” At which point I wanted to take a huge dump and rub their faces in it.

  18. Ninotchka
    June 8th, 2005 09:54
    18

    I do think having a dog is a lot like having a kid, except you know, dogs have the decency to go outside to take a shit. ha ha ha

  19. Kismet
    June 8th, 2005 10:25
    19

    Amen sistah!
    I just called in sick to work because my dog sitter didn’t show :) WHATEVER!

    ~K!

  20. KellyH
    June 8th, 2005 10:37
    20

    Tim, Tim, Tim. Having nieces and nephews doesn’t clue anyone in as to what it’s like to have your own child. The good OR the bad.

  21. *~*~FrBaByLuvR~*~*
    June 8th, 2005 11:06
    21

    dOgZ R the bOmB!!11! U R just jeLOUS cuz U doN’t have No FuRbAbIeZZ!11!!

  22. Torrie
    June 8th, 2005 11:10
    22

    Wait. You’re not suppossed to lock the baby in a cage?
    My dog is so much more well behaved than any baby I’ve met.

  23. Sarcastic Journalist
    June 8th, 2005 11:33
    23

    Wow FrBaByLuvR! It must have taken 5 hours for you to come up with a smart name like that. And look at all the pretty stars surrounding your name! I feel special.

  24. Kat
    June 8th, 2005 11:37
    24

    Yeah, but I’d never wipe the shit off of a dog’s ass, day in and day out, for 2 years. And so far my kid seems smarter than the average dog. So that’s good.

  25. halloweenlover
    June 8th, 2005 12:00
    25

    Merry Widow, they did NOT really say that, did they? I am crushed daily by the idiocy of humanity. Sigh.

    I definitely like my dogs better than a lot of people, but dear lord all of you are talking about some idiots. I don’t know what it is like to have kids because of my dogs, although I know I am not ready for kids since the taking care of the dogs overwhelms me.

  26. Kym
    June 8th, 2005 12:19
    26

    I have a Cockatoo and because the bitch is EXPENSIVE I go to bird shows to buy her supplies. she chews through a$25 swing in like two weeks so you learn where the deals are. Anyways, my point is…FIDS. Thats what the bird lovers call their parrots, FIDS= feathered kids. Are ya hurling yet?? LOLOLOL. Just sayin’. Does this really suprise ya tho? And for the record, I DO NOT call my parrot a FID but then i have two kids so she’s nowhere close to being my baby, love she is but NOT my baby.

  27. Kym
    June 8th, 2005 12:24
    27

    And one more thing since I came out of lurkdom for the FIDS thing..congrats on your pregnancy. You’re exactally as pregnant as I was last year. I was due the 31st of this jan. I had my healthy little boy on the 21st however cuz he knew what was good for him. :) I wish you the best!

  28. Tracy
    June 8th, 2005 12:26
    28

    Along with you, SJ. Y as well as Robotnik have me crying tears of laughter! After another sleepless night (someone really needs to kill that bird that sings outside my window all damn night long!) rocking the little one while the other one cries in her crib because she’s wanting to get up and play … in the bath for Pete’s sake. I have to say I needed to cry for a reason other then lack of REM sleep.

  29. NinaKaye
    June 8th, 2005 12:46
    29

    My husband’s grandmother was all about the not giving chocolate to kids. My stepson was almost 3 (before we finally got to move 1200 miles from her) and she would freak out everytime he had a piece of candy. Of course, we made fun of her, and she cried. Good times, good times.
    I had a dog but never imagined it was even close to the same as having a kid since my grandma always took care of the dog, then she died so my mom took care of the dog. Where are all the people that’ll take care of my kids for me?

  30. Alexandrialeigh
    June 8th, 2005 12:49
    30

    I have two dogs, both of which I love with my entire being. I have compared having dogs to having children — not because dogs are like children, but because of the responsibility involved. My dogs cannot feed themselves, open doors to go outside and use the bathroom, etc — they are dependent on me to do those necessary things for them. And so, my dogs depend on me, and I get great enjoyment out of playing with them, talking to them, and taking care of them — just as people do with their own children.

    I’m not sure I ever want to have children of my own (though I like children), and I would never claim that “hey! dogs are just like kids!” but I don’t think that just because I didn’t physically give birth to them, they are any less mine or a part of me, or that I love them less because of it.

    Would you say that that someone who adopts a baby doesn’t really know what it’s like to “have children” just because they didn’t give birth? I hope not.

    I’m not trying to be mean-spirited or rude — I just think it’s a good idea to try and see from everyone’s perspective, if you can.

  31. ordinary girl
    June 8th, 2005 14:03
    31

    actually, you were right - because the baby could be allergic to chocolate - no chocolate, nuts, peanut butter, shellfish…

  32. Poppy
    June 8th, 2005 14:09
    32

    I’ve been one of those obnoxious “fur-baby” people. I’ve been a parent. And now that I’m a parent, I think those “fur-baby” people are ridiculous. The responsibilities of pet ownership are a walk in the damn park compared to the responsibilities of parenthood.

    I love my dogs. I love my cat. But I can tell you, I was a damn fool to ever consider them “babies” or to consider myself any sort of “parent” for caring for them.

    It should be noted that chocolate and KILL dogs, but only if you whack them with a big enough slab of it.

  33. Kathy
    June 8th, 2005 14:30
    33

    I have to admit that I treat my dog far too much like a baby, but for me it’s because I lost my ability to have children and until I have $20k saved to adopt she’s my only mothering outlet. BUT, that said, sometimes I even nauseate myself.

  34. poobou
    June 8th, 2005 14:36
    34

    My husband and I do sometimes refer to our cats as “the kids”. But it’s completely sarcastic, and even though I might border right on the verge of being one of those Crazy Cat Ladies (yes, we have four of them - not my choice, I swear!), I would never, ever begin to compare it to having a child.

    But, I do know a lot of people (single people, gay couples, straight couples who are childless whether by choice or circumstance, etc.) who think of their pets as their children because it’s the only basis for comparison that they have to that sort of unconditional love. And if that’s what they’re talking about, fine. In fact, puppies will not grow into teenagers who scream how much they hate you & how unfair you are, as they slam the door to their bedroom and blast Marilyn Manson at full volume while they write bad poetry about the injustices of society. So as far as that whole unconditional love thing goes, the dog/cat people might have a leg up on the baby-makers. I’m just sayin’.

  35. clickmom
    June 8th, 2005 14:46
    35

    Sing with me people! What the world needs now is love sweet love, it’s the only thing that there’s just too little of….

    Lets all just get along, those of us with kids, can all remember when we didn’t know what true love was and thought we got it from our furry friends. Let’s just smile and nod, that’s it, smile and nod….

    WTF..FIDS!!!!

  36. halloweenlover
    June 8th, 2005 14:59
    36

    SJ, I am thinking that from now on you need to write SARCASTIC Journalist, just like that, all in caps, all the time.

    Its the only way.

  37. Sarcastic Journalist
    June 8th, 2005 15:46
    37

    Wow, only took 30 replies before the adoption card got pulled.

    HalloweenLover: I can put SARCASTIC SARCASTIC SARCASTIC in big huge letters and people still take themselves (and me) too seriously.

  38. Doogs
    June 8th, 2005 16:04
    38

    My wife and I don’t have children yet, but we do have four dogs, and to us, they are our kids.

    I wouldn’t equate dogs with real, human kids - personally I think raising dogs is something of a training run for children.

    They are different levels - but we’ve had to sit up for two hours while one of our puppies scratched and clawed and cried in her kennel because she didn’t want to go to sleep. We’ve had to wake up to take them out every few hours in the middle of the night. I have to listen to their whining when they want food, attention, to go outside, to be cuddled.

    Hell, two nights ago one of our dachshund puppies crawled up to the top of the couch and proceeded to use it as a platform from which to urinate on my neck.

    I’m sure kids are on a different magnitude - but dogs are a shakedown cruise. And if you can’t raise a dog properly, you probably shouldn’t be having children.

  39. honey
    June 8th, 2005 16:43
    39

    did you miss what Anu said?

  40. Aitch
    June 8th, 2005 17:18
    40

    You’ll have to remember too though that you can be a parent and have a baby without it coming out your vagina, or sucking on your boobies. Don;t want you to segregate your adoptive parents out there yo!

  41. Stacey
    June 8th, 2005 17:18
    41

    Dude, when I was pregnant I was like “Oh HELL no, I won’t treat my cat differently, she’s my baby!”

    Then the baby came. And I was all “Aww, baby! Screw off cat!”

    Now? Baby throws a temper tantrum and I’m “I’m so sorry I brushed you off kitty, screw the baby, come snuggle!”

  42. Aitch
    June 8th, 2005 17:26
    42

    Whoops, the adoption card had already been pulled. I guess I could have read the comments before I commented, but I hate doing that.

  43. bob
    June 8th, 2005 20:34
    43

    I don’t know if you’re planning a big baby bloggers blog meet some day. Like at that Comfort Inn™ off Exit 17 outside the Tri Cities. I mean I’m sure it would be fun. But don’t put me on the mailing list for invitations. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t show up. But go ahead and have it without me. You’ll still have lots of fun.

  44. Sarcastic Journalist
    June 8th, 2005 21:47
    44

    Bob, for someone who doesn’t like this blog very much you keep coming back. Don’t worry, I won’t invite you. I make it my mission in life not to hang out with Palindromes.

  45. go hang a salami; I'm a lasagna hog
    June 8th, 2005 23:04
    45

    SJ - not even clever palindromes?

    I’ve often thought that dogs are worse than children, merely looking from the perspective that the dog is always going to be dependent on you. Kids — to some degree — become self-sufficient while still living at home.

  46. Texas T-bone
    June 9th, 2005 16:18
    46

    Dogs and babies are nothing alike. I have no hopes that my Border collie will win a full scholarship to a Big 12 school, but my son? Oh yeah. In fact, he’d better get a scholarship because I’m still a working journalist.

  47. Rowan
    June 14th, 2005 16:26
    47

    When the kids are treading on thin ice,
    my husband always tells them,
    “You’re one step above the dog.”

    I’m not exactly sure about his stability,
    but it tends to get things accomplished.

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