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The Hairy Will Not Hurt You

Dear Internet,

You are not allowed to meet me in person. Why? Because you will know all my stories. But, today I’m getting hit by the hormones and they bring The Sad and The Angry so I will tell you a story before I scrub scum off the bottom of the tub because I love you that much!

I’ve always been somewhat “hairy.” Not hairy in the coarse, thick hair covering my body type of way but hairy as in dark hair. Blame it on my Cajun heritage but this gal isn’t covered in pretty blonde hair.

When I was 17, wearing a two piece bathing suit was Very Important. More important that world peace, baby seals and homelessness combined. I was a tad bit self-centered. I know I still am, but nothing compared to how I was.

Anyway, since I was affected by The Hairy, wearing a two piece seemed rather challenging. Also? A boy I flirted with at school told me I had “Amazon Woman” arms. Yeah. Nice. Anyway, so my friend, who we shall call “Mia” also was affected by The Hairy. Mia is Italian and they also tend to have darker hair.

Since I was a teenager at the time, I had no problem going through other people’s stuff. I went through my Mom’s stuff and found home waxing strips. So, Mia and I went to my Mom’s bathroom and waxed our stomachs.

RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!

It somewhat worked. We had random hairs poking off our bellies, looking like a blind man had tried to do the wax job himself.

Before I tell you what happened next, I must tell you this: After we waxed ourselves, Mia and I did not clean up. Sure, we threw away the wax strips, but we did not clean off the wax. We had wax all over the door handles, sink fixtures, sink and walls. Even better, the wax had little bits and pieces of dark belly hair in it.

Wonder why all my friends parents told me that my Mom deserved an award for putting up with me?

So, I went to my “boyfriend’s” house later on that night and all was well. Well, all was as well as it could be with a pathological liar who also happened to drink beer for breakfast.

I went back to my house later on and decided around midnight that I wasn’t satisfied with my wax job. Instead of pulling out my tweezers, I pulled out the Nair. I pulled down my pants and slathered the Nair on my raw, red skin.

After a little while, the burning got to me so I rinsed the Nair off and went to bed. I woke up the next morning to a nice little surprise.

The spot I put the Nair on was covered in blisters. Yup, I melted my own skin off. To make my vanity seem even a little funnier, the blistered area scarred my skin.

So, in the pursuit of vanity, I managed to scar myself. Here’s my new motto: When in doubt, do not use Nair.

That’s the story. No moral, no way to tie it in to my life now. Just plain stupidity.

32 Responses to “The Hairy Will Not Hurt You”

  1. The Merry Widow
    June 6th, 2005 13:26
    1

    FYI: Dark hair rulz. The darker, the better. Blonde, I am not, nor do I ever want to be.

  2. Em
    June 6th, 2005 13:32
    2

    You have come to the right place for I have dubbed myself The Hair Removal Maven. Irish and yet hairy - not fair. I have used electrolysis, Nair, epilady, waxing and plucking. Some overlapping but I have never had the misfortune of scarring myself. Youch! For future info, not that you would go near the evil pink bottle again, hydrocortisone helps with the post removal rash. I only had belly hair when I was pg and was terrified to do anything about it for fear it would become a new part of The Ritual. But ultrasound goop on belly hair - as gross as anything I have ever seen. So there are my Hair Removal confessions so that yours aren’t all alone in cyberland. If you ever wonder if its worth it, imagine if you didn’t. My sister doesn’t have The Ritual so I have a walking reminder. Recite with me “Two brows not one. Two brows not one” Its relaxing.

  3. halloweenlover
    June 6th, 2005 13:44
    3

    I have gotten a variation of that amazon woman comment before also. I wrote a whole blog entry about how my childhood was scarred because someone pointed out that I had dark nose hairs. And that, of course, is totally gross.

  4. michaela
    June 6th, 2005 14:44
    4

    these are the things you learn so that you can share them with ellie (before or after she learns on her own - depending on her attitude). hee hee.

  5. Steph
    June 6th, 2005 15:20
    5

    And I thought I was the only one. I’m half mexican/portugeuse, brazilian; so, I too, am infected by The Hairy, as you put it. It’s really annoying, and frustrating. Oiiiiiiiii. Thankfully, I have yet to scar myself- not that I know of anyway.

  6. Vanessa_AR
    June 6th, 2005 15:22
    6

    OW! I’m sure that was not only paiful but awful to suffer during swimsuit season. Teenagers are dumbasses. I should know, I once dry-shaved my legs and then went to the beach 20 minutes later. That was quite painful and I had a lovely rash, too!

  7. Crystal
    June 6th, 2005 15:48
    7

    Heh… the adventures of Nair. The hubs used it once, in his constant battle against body hair. You can make him shake like a leaf at the mere mention of the vile stuff now. Apparently he hadn’t bothered to read the directions, and paid dearly for that mistake.

  8. Penny Pressed
    June 6th, 2005 16:20
    8

    This is what I don’t get: We have to constantly battle body hair, employing methods that involve HOT WAX or ACID, with the high probability of SCARRING ourselves. Yet on top of all of that, we STILL have to push giant babies out our vaginas? This is proof yet again that God is so not a woman.

  9. ands
    June 6th, 2005 16:53
    9

    hehe..my roommate (yes you!) got blisters on her arse from nair. Oh ok that sounds like she has a hairy arse but no…she just got the top of the leg area…I got a good laugh.

  10. Shalini
    June 6th, 2005 17:02
    10

    OUCH!

  11. Citizen Mom
    June 6th, 2005 17:59
    11

    Dude, you waxed your Treasure Trail? Ouchy.

  12. Cristina
    June 6th, 2005 18:05
    12

    Ok my hubby has had bad experciences with the Nair. When we first started living together I would tease him about his chest hair and how he should shave it off. I come home one day and his chest is BRIGHT red. I ask him what happened. He explains that he went ahead and shaved it but found that left stubble, so he went for the bottle of nair to remove the extra hair. He didn’t think about what would happen if you put hair remover cream on pores that were just opened up. He chest was red for at least a week.
    A couple of months ago I go into the bathroom and I see that the bathroom trash is filled with tissues that are covered in blood. I freak out and run to him to find out who cut themselves. I had just purchased some of that Veet bladeless shaving stuff and forgot to also pick up his shaving cream. When he ran out he just grabbed what he thought was my shaving cream. So he has this stuff slathered all over his face and actually begins to start shaving with it, and his face started to bleed from the stuff.
    Basically hair remover cream is evil.

  13. ten33girl
    June 6th, 2005 18:27
    13

    I was 16. The guy of my dreams was coming to pick me up that night. I had to look perfect. I applied a hair removal cream to my upper lip. You would think the god awful stink of the stuff would have made me take it off…but of course…I didn’t. By the time I did however, I was left with the most disgusting red splotch (where skin use to be) on the left side of my face, right above my lip. Not only was I mortified when my date showed up, but I was left with a nice lil brown scar to mock me everytime I looked in the mirror. Thank god for fade creams =)

  14. Stacey
    June 6th, 2005 19:29
    14

    I gave up shaving/waxing. It just grows in thicker and I’m way too pale with wayyyy too dark hair to do anything about it.

  15. mrtl
    June 6th, 2005 19:38
    15

    So this is where Merry Widow is hiding! … I’ve never waxed because I’m a wuss when it comes to pain. At least for childbirth I had drugs.

    I recently saw something about shaving cute little pictures in one’s hair. Have you considered that for your Hairy (or did the hair not grow back)? There are instructions for a nice little lightning bolt (see www.publicshave.com).

  16. Y
    June 6th, 2005 19:41
    16

    I have a hairy stomach and you know this. STOP TRYING TO BE ME.

  17. L
    June 6th, 2005 19:54
    17

    my best friend in high school bleached her treasure trail, not realizing that it would bleach her skin, not just make the hair less noticable. We were changing for gym and she had to show off the skunk stripe she bleached down her belly

  18. Heather
    June 6th, 2005 20:09
    18

    In college, a friend had a boyfriend who foolishly deceided to cheat on her. (Oh no!) So, she waited for her moment of revenge. He got extermely drunk, passed out, and she whipped out the Nair. She poured it down the right side of his body (yes even THERE) and he was bald and burt for a long time.

  19. Sarcastic Journalist
    June 6th, 2005 21:30
    19

    Mrtl, The Merry Widow totally stalks me. Its freaky.

    Y, I’m so not copying you because I’M TOTALLY COPYING DOOCE. In fact, I have a video tap in her house and I cut my hair just like hers! I also wear the same exact clothes she does everyday.

    Can anyone guess what I’ll be naming this baby??? Mwa haha.

  20. Fellow Eskimo
    June 6th, 2005 22:59
    20

    Well, glad im not the only person in the world with this problem. I just had a cyst removed from ‘down there’, and the nurse actually told me I needed a wax job. Ouch. That hurt my pride. Its not bikini season yet, so Im delaying the waxing/sugaring torture for a while…

  21. Lujza
    June 7th, 2005 00:22
    21

    LMAO…..you’re nuts! Hilariously nuts!

  22. Tina
    June 7th, 2005 03:26
    22

    oooouuuccchhh!

  23. DM
    June 7th, 2005 04:07
    23

    I am also hairy. It is horrible. Thanks, Dad, for the hairy toes and knuckles and everywhere frickin’ else. But what’s really fun, having to pluck the occasional breast hair. I’m hoping that, if I ever meet a decent guy that’s into karaoke and has a wicked sense of humor, he is also has a thing for hairy women.

  24. April
    June 7th, 2005 06:23
    24

    Isn’t it strange how when you’re trying to remove things that you don’t want like hair or pimples, you end up removing things you do want, like skin…haha.
    My roommate in college had really hairy arms and she decided to bleach them….it wasn’t pretty but it gave me something to laugh about. Luckily, although dark haired, I don’t have hairy arms but if a nurse ever tells me I gotta get a wax job, I’m kicking her self-righteous face in.

  25. Thomas
    June 7th, 2005 07:38
    25

    “The Sad and The Angry” sound like Clow Cards from Cardcaptors. Bleh, whats wrong with me and the 12 year old cartoons I still watch.

  26. honey bunny
    June 7th, 2005 09:35
    26

    i’m also afflicted with The Hairy. i’m 1/2 hungarian 1/2 italian. HAIR GALORE! i was so hairy in elementary school and jr high that i wore long sleeves and pants even in the summer. my mom wouldn’t let me shave my legs till i tured FIFTEEN! can you believe that crap? and i prayed to the Hair Gods that they would take the hair from my arms and give it to someone more deserving. it was only after i turned 20 that the hair started to go away. i still have my Hairy moments, but it’s not as bad (thank the lord or whoever is out there).

    i just pluck because my skin is too sensitive to do anything else. although i’m thinking about electrolysis for my moustache one of these days ;)

  27. beautifulmess
    June 7th, 2005 10:03
    27

    i haven’t had too many bad experiences with the nair, but wax be damned! one time, i decided to wax that little strip of unsightly hair below my navel. the hair was removed, allright, along with ALL of the skin beneath it! i could barely wear clothes for a week or two because my stomach was so raw. now tell me, which is more attractive? a few strands of dark hair or several inches of pussy, oozing, scabs?

  28. MollieBee
    June 7th, 2005 10:56
    28

    Let’s be sad and angry together…I’ll share my percocets!

    Oh shit, you can’t take those right now, huh?

    :(

  29. Torrie
    June 7th, 2005 14:00
    29

    When I was little I decided to curl my Barbie’s hair. I was quite shocked when Barbie’s hair started melting. I dropped Barbie AND the curling iron on my leg. I have a nice scar to remind me of my stupidity.

  30. Laura
    June 7th, 2005 23:28
    30

    I just blogged about a similar experience. Back in high school, I put Nair or Neet or whatever the hell it was between my eyebrows and burned the crap out of my face. Luckily - no blisters. But it was nice and weepy and raw for what seemed like FOREVER to a fourteen-year-old. And the thing was - it’s not like I had a unibrow or anything, I was just too lazy to pluck the few hairs. Sigh…

  31. Janis
    June 8th, 2005 11:01
    31

    I have a scar on my leg from Nair.

    Amazing how many people that shit hurts and yet they still sell it. Even more amazing is that given how we all share the Nair stories, there are people who still think it won’t happen to them and buy the stuff and then USE it!

    Nair is evil…

  32. Sylvia Garven
    June 10th, 2005 12:54
    32

    My stylist gave me a great tip for the summer. I now use a beard trimmer on my forearms. No pain, natural appearance (some hair looks better and feels better too), no healing time, minimal upkeep (once every 4 - 6 weeks does it for me). Thought I’d share . . .

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