Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

We all have a “type.” Before I met The Hubs, I swore my “ideal” guy had blonde hair and blue eyes and a “shorter,” muscular body. Boy, was I surprised when I met The Man of My Dreams. Let’s just say he wasn’t what I usually went for. He had brown hair and eyes, was 6′4 and lanky.

Let me tell you this, ladies: Lanky can be good.

When a single friend of mine says that she isn’t interested in a guy because he isn’t her “type,” I ask her how her “type” has worked out for her so far. Considering she’s wanting to find a guy because all the other guys have been jerks, I say how maybe, just maybe, she should go outside of her type.

I still have a type, you know. No, not for men, but for women. Oh yeah. When I’m trying to find someone new, I’m very careful to make sure she falls under my “type.”

Hello, my name is The Sarcastic Journalist and I judge my Ob/Gyn on how she looks.

My first rule of thumb when it comes to the gyno: The gyno may not possess a penis. After we get over the penis factor, I look for someone young. Not Doogie Houser young, but someone who is closer to my age than my mother’s. And, here is where the Internet will sigh and say they are very dissappointed in me: She needs to be attractive.

When we lived in NC, I had to switch gynos because the one I usually went to did not deliver at Duke University Hospital and that was the closest one to my house. So, I had to find a new gyno and ended up in a group practice. The group was made up of mostly women of all ages. I visited them all but found myself repeatedly making appointments with the youngest, cutest one of the bunch.

It’s like my vagina had a crush on her. My vagina is all “Hello Dr. Cutie! I brushed my hair for you today. Do I smell good? I washed all the cracks and crevices just for you.”

My vagina is such a flirt.

We ended up moving to back to Houston in my final month of pregnancy when my husband got a new job. Therefore, I had to find a new OB. Considering I needed someone who’d see me just for the last two weeks of pregnancy and then catch my baby, I couldn’t exactly be picky.

Luckily for me, my OB fit my description. Young, cute and nice. She had brown hair, not blonde, but I overlooked that considering she didn’t give me an episiotomy.

I went to a different, newer OB this morning for my prenatal checkup, also known as “Uh you’re too early in this pregnancy to see anything so lets just draw some blood and you can come back in two weeks.”

My doctor, of course, is cute. No matter how cute she is, however, it can’t compete with the fact that visiting the gyno is a surreal experience. We go from sitting in the exam room, fully clothed, discussing things such as Tay-Sachs disease and heart problems to the ultrasound room.

Next thing I know, I’m naked, getting the ol’ pap smear, breast exam and then my personal favorite, the Dildo Ultrasound.

I forget how violent the Dildo (aka Transvaginal) Ultrasound gets. I seriously felt like she was about to make my cooter so big that a full term baby could pop out right now. During the exam, I thought to myself “Oh my gosh. Is my cooter that big and floppy that she can just ram that thing up there and go to town?”

Turns out, she can!

I think my biggest worry was when she inserted the speculum for the pap. At that moment, and I’m ashamed to admit it, I thought I might poop.

You can’t poop on the doctor if you’re not having a baby. It is written into the Code. Luckily for me, I did not poop or fart on her, which is good. If I have to let her see me naked for the next 35 weeks, I’d like for some respect.

If someone can’t respect you after shoving a medical dildo in the cooch, you need to take a good, hard look at yourself. Or at least poop before you leave the house.

28 Comments

  1. i’m with you on the gyno thing. she has to be sans penis, young, and fairly good looking. which is totally bizarre. but i think i need my gyno to be good looking because i equate ugly with mean. i know it’s absurd, but that’s how i think. as if a pretty gyno would say happy things about my vagina and an ugly gyno would say mean things.

    i’m a tard.

    Comment by honey bunny — 6/1/2005 @ 3:08 pm

  2. I feel so close to you right now.

    Comment by Dr. Johnny Fever — 6/1/2005 @ 3:14 pm

  3. Wow. You know, I’ve never heard it all put so….sooooo…ACCURATELY before. And don’t worry. You’re not the only one with a vagina that gets crushes on cutie doctors. I think it makes the experience a little easier if you’ve got eye candy to distract you.

    Comment by Queen of Ass — 6/1/2005 @ 3:17 pm

  4. If you’re going to get naked with a woman in what is probably the closest lesbian experience most women have, she’s gotta be hot. You’re absolutely right.

    Comment by ieatcrayonz — 6/1/2005 @ 3:34 pm

  5. Me too. I look for my gynos to be young and cute. I’ll send you a postcard from Key West. Auf, auf! I’ll miss you.

    Comment by Robotnik — 6/1/2005 @ 3:52 pm

  6. God, I can only imagine the stories that the ob/gyns have to tell. I’d be interested to know, but have never had the balls to really ask…just what IS the norm for pubic grooming these days??? I need someone to spell it out for me.

    Did they see anything with your transvag? You are QUICK! I’m surprised you a)made the appointment so fast and that b) they accepted to see you! That’s a good sign for sure. Next sign…ask her if she’ll induce you a little early!!!! HA!

    I’m happy for you, poop urges and all.

    Comment by Laura — 6/1/2005 @ 4:00 pm

  7. Ok, I’ve got to ask… why do you always get transvaginal U/S? I’ve never had one, thankfully. Although, laying in the U/S room on my back while they inspected both babies on more than one occasion was horrible enough. I almost puked every time. Anyway, blah blah blah… When I read this post I thought it must be fun to type “My vagina” on your blog over and over. I’m thinking about giving that a try.

    Comment by Crystal — 6/1/2005 @ 4:14 pm

  8. I called the doc yesterday and they were like “How about tomorrow?” AWESOME!

    RE: the transvaginal. I’m not sure why people feel the need to try and masturbate me at the office. Perhaps they think I’m a little uptight :)

    Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — 6/1/2005 @ 4:27 pm

  9. Ok, so this is my first pregnancy, and at my first “hands on” prenatal exam, I thought he was going to rub the DILDO on my tummy. He busted it out, I forced a smile, wondering why it was so long and shaped like a weiner… he pulled out a ‘condom’, slid it onto the DILDO, lubed that sucker up real good, went to the foot of the exam table, and just as I was going to lift my gown so he could rub it on my belly, he said “Spread those legs"… Um, come again? Yeah, he jammed it up real good, and I still haven’t fully recovered. You could have written about this a few months ago, ya know… I had no idea I was in for such a treat. ;)

    Comment by Sara — 6/1/2005 @ 4:37 pm

  10. I had this done with my second child. I was at the ultrasound place just thinking that I’m going to have a regular old ultrasound. So when I got called in and the tech asked me to strip from the waist down and put on the lovely paper gown, I was obviously a tad confused. She tells me my doctor ordered an internal ultrasound and i’m like “whaaaa?", I had never even heard of such a thing. So I’m on the table and I’m giggling because I’m so damn nervous and I have to keep stopping her from inserting it until I calm myself. Then I started with the jokes to deal with the uncomfortableness of the situation such as, but not limited to: “What’s your name again? I think I should at least know your name before we get so intimate” and “Do you think we could just go for coffee, get to know eachother a little better?” Never again, never, ever, again!

    Comment by d — 6/1/2005 @ 5:07 pm

  11. Ah, yes, the vagasound. I’ve never been pregnant yet, but I am an egg donor and know the horrors of the wand all too well. I told the nurse lady that was the most action I’ve had all year.

    Sad part was it’s true.

    Comment by Susan — 6/1/2005 @ 5:15 pm

  12. I hate that wand! I am tempted not to go to the gyno next time I am pregnant until I am a good 10 weeks then they can forget the wand!
    Aaak

    Comment by Tuesdayef — 6/1/2005 @ 5:19 pm

  13. heh heh. You got cooterwanded.

    Comment by MollieBee — 6/1/2005 @ 5:25 pm

  14. I haven’t been pregnant (yet), but I totally understand the Fart Fear during the pap.

    Does the Dildo view look any different from a ‘normal’ ultrasound?

    Comment by girlE — 6/1/2005 @ 5:50 pm

  15. I picked my (former) OB for her name, and her name alone. My OB was named Bonnie Beaver. I swear.

    Comment by Victoria — 6/1/2005 @ 6:01 pm

  16. The first time I saw the cooterwand I knew things were going down hill from there. I mean, I’ve never even seen a DILDO that’s that long…

    haaha Bonnie Beaver.

    Comment by Karyn — 6/1/2005 @ 6:23 pm

  17. Well, you’ve completely sold me on getting pregnant.

    **shouting to the husband**
    “Hey honey! I’ve got a new fantasy for ya’! It’s called SuperPregnantDildoUltrasoundParty. Now, you be the nice female gyno, and I’ll stick my legs in the air…”

    Great blog.

    Comment by Spurious Plum — 6/1/2005 @ 7:14 pm

  18. You are so damn funny! I have similar prereqs for any prospective OB/GYN! LOL! They also have to be first-name-basis-remember-who-I-am-when-I- call friendly… like my current doctor (who doesn’t catch babies anyore so who is consequently forcing me to go on an OB hunt again) is all “Hey, it’s me, Colleen!” when she calls… she doesn’t wear a white coat and she apologizes while she’s doing the rectal exam… I like that in a doctor. ;)

    Comment by Erin — 6/1/2005 @ 7:47 pm

  19. hmm I was all about the OB sans penis thing, until I got this new OB here… and he is older and cute in a white Cosbyish way (I think everyone falls in love with the OB). I like him and he jokes and never makes me feel like I am naked… that’s weird, huh? and Yes I am scared about pooping at birth. I don’t want to poop there.

    Comment by Shalini — 6/1/2005 @ 8:44 pm

  20. Very funny! I agree with you about the doctor - mine is female, about 10 years older than me and very cool. I adore her. Never been pregnant but when you’re having a pap test done by a man it’s just weird.

    Comment by DM — 6/1/2005 @ 8:47 pm

  21. My gyne has small hands, very important, and I always ask for him to “run some hot water on that shoe horn thingy first” THATS a good gyne

    Comment by Heather — 6/1/2005 @ 9:10 pm

  22. I usually see a man. I was going to a group practice with a lady dr there and she was so damn rough!! She had no compassion for me during that preggo visit. I have one male doc that I really liked and he went on to another practice…and I followed him! He is really nice, makes you feel comfortable and is really gentle. And he remembered me after four years of not seeing him!!

    Comment by Priscilla — 6/2/2005 @ 7:57 am

  23. I have a different rule about my ob/gyn: if someone is going to be between my legs, it’s going to be a good looking man. In fact, that rule applies to more than just my ob/gyn!

    And I look to see if they have small hands. My current gyno kept the “duck bill” (as my ex named the piece of equipment he most wanted to steal) on a heating pad so it was always warm. My kinda man!

    Comment by Dana — 6/2/2005 @ 9:07 am

  24. My last gyn was a young, cute woman, and I adored her. But then she moved on to a teaching job, and I was devastated. Her replacement was a 30ish man who I hate.

    Comment by Kristin — 6/2/2005 @ 1:15 pm

  25. I prefer a male OB/Gyn for reasons others already stated. Great Blog!

    Comment by Petite Mommy — 6/2/2005 @ 4:41 pm

  26. I had a strange experience with the dildo ultrasound. Apparently it was “new tech training day” on the day I had mine done. I had a young nervous guy jab that thing around in me after I had the real ultrasound done. He was blushing really bad. It’s actually funny now that I look back on it…Not funny at the time. I love your blog! You and I think so much alike. You crack me up all the time.

    Comment by Justin\\\’sMommy — 6/3/2005 @ 12:09 am

  27. I got sidetracked. I also pick my gyno’s to be young nice looking women too. I had a group practice and an old man ended up being on call and delivered my son. Oh well.

    Comment by Justin’sMommy — 6/3/2005 @ 12:11 am

  28. It’s funny how before you have your first pregnancy, you have no idea that such a thing as a dildo-ultrasound wand even exists! I mean, they never show something like that on “A Baby Story” or “Nine Months” (a movie I loathe, btw).
    Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your trip to the gyno. Good for you for not pooping on the doc. I always get the fart urge during those exams and quickly review everything I ate that day to find out if I have a greater likelihood of farting (like say if I had Mexican food for lunch).
    Congrats on your pgnancy and thanks for the laughs. :)

    Comment by Amy — 6/3/2005 @ 9:24 pm

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