Reasonably Unreasonable

I think the fun part of being a woman is coming up with unreasonable expectations for yourself. When I was younger, I read a book about puberty and growing up that told me that I should be able to put my hands around my waist and have my fingers touch.

Just so you realize, I can not put my hands around my child’s waist and have my fingers touch. Hurray for people who write completely outlandish books that screw up little girls’ minds that make them think they will never be thin enough! Everyone should think they are fat at the age of NINE!

You may remember, recently, how I became infuriated with my body due to the fact that it didn’t want to return to its pre-pregnancy state.

I now have a few numbers for you: 18 months and 14 days.

That’s how long it took for me to get upset with myself for the most stupid reason ever. I’ve been known to be very, very, very hard on myself. Recently, I’ve gotten a little better at taking it easy. But? This morning?

The Aunt is back. Aunt Flo, that is. Shouldn’t I be happy? Woo hoo! Blood is coming out of my vagina! Not just blood, but bright red blood that means that I am once again capable of having a baby.

But, no. Instead, a few other things happen. I get embarrassed. Embarrassed that I got my “period.” Hello, what is this? Sixth grade? I didn’t want to tell my husband (Hi, husband! I’m telling you now!) so I left the box of tampons next to the toilet kind of like a signal that says “Hi, I’m officially riding the crimson wave. Brownies and cookies should magically appear.”

So, I do what any woman who is thinking about getting pregnant does. I told myself “This is not a period.” There was no way it could be a period. In fact, I bet that someone came into my bedroom while I slept and cut my cervix, which is why I’m bleeding.

Let me put it this way: If someone cut me while I slept, I better go and get some stitches.

So, as I was sitting around this morning, I found myself getting upset. Why did I have to get my period? I was supposed to get pregnant without getting my period again! That way, I could have gone 36 months without a period and I would have totally freaked out people in conversations.

Well, darnit. What kind of woman am I if I can’t go over two years without a period? Someone alert the village elders, The Sarcastic Journalist is not superhuman.

Really, its not that bad. I have light cramping and an abdominal feeling of overall nastiness. I’m not losing so much blood as I’ll need a transfusion. I think I might need a brain transfusion since I’m telling the internet about My Flow.

I know, I know, I should be HAPPY that I’m Riding that Crimson Wave! Seriously! I mean, aren’t there like, thousands of girls in Sudan who want a period and here I am, the greedy American woman, sitting on the couch, menstrating and complaining about it?

I’d be more than happy to give my period to Unicef. I’ll even put it in a pretty jar with a bow on it.

What? You confused about the jar? How do you think my period is going to get to Sudan?

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