Even Clowns Cry on the Inside

I am about to write another post I will regret in a few minutes. I’ve held off from writing this post for awhile, kept telling myself its okay and that I don’t need to write it.

I’m hoping that writing will get it out of my mind. Perhaps some of you feel the same way I do and that will help me. This is therapy. This will help me.

I starting to realize that at times, I’m barely hanging on by a thread here.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why I feel the way I do. Why am I sad? Why am I frustrated? Why can’t I just fucking buck up and act like a happy little camper?

This happened to me yesterday, as well. I told myself I’d go to bed and wake up and things would be okay. They were okay for a little while, then it hit me like a wave. I’m sitting in the ocean and big waves keep crashing into me. Sometimes I’m able to ride the waves on a surfboard, other times I’m just floating along in the water, just looking for something to hang on to.

When people tell me to “Get a job,” do they believe that is going to solve my problems? NO. A job is only going to make me feel bad about being there; I don’t want to work, I enjoy staying home with my baby.

I want to feel better.

I want to feel like I’m not slowly going crazy. I want to not yell at my husband, not want to take everything so personally. I want to be what I am not right now.

I have a happy life and a lovely family. I can’t figure out what is wrong. I have moments where I tell myself to run away for a few days. By running away, I mean taking a vacation to New York City or something, where I can just have fun without responsibility.

That, again, involves money. I’ll be sure to do that when I win the lotto.

I know something is wrong. I don’t feel like talking to people anymore. My brow is furrowed, my lips are tense. The sound of my baby crying is enough to send me over the edge. If you don’t do what I want? Forget about having a nice evening.

I don’t know what to do anymore. All I know is that now I have to go to a playgroup and hang out with people I’m not that fond of because it gets me out of the house and gets my mind off my stupid feelings.

Sarcastic Journalist, out.

72 Responses to “Even Clowns Cry on the Inside”

  1. Tuesdayef
    April 20th, 2005 11:14

    I have been there. It is hard to adjust going from you & a husband & a job to little people who demand 110% of you every day & no job and if you are like me, no friends or family where you live.
    I have had my share of bad days. I thought about getting a job so I can get out of the house and maybe make a friend.
    I am going to try a playgroup in my county. Maybe that will help.
    I don’t haev any advice, just know you are not alone.

  2. deleted
    April 20th, 2005 11:15

    Hey, I’ve been there before. When my daughter was your daughter’s age I felt like I was really, truly going crazy. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from those around you. Btw, I called the Pope a Nazi, and I wasn’t being sarcastic.

  3. mrtl
    April 20th, 2005 11:23

    Having a job didn’t keep me from having these feelings, medication did. According to the literature, they “alter my neurological receptors.” According to me, they keep me from shooting fire out of my ass at anyone who dares to say “How was your day?” too cheerfully. Or not take a nap. Or not bring me chocolate. Yes, it sucks to rely on the exterior help, but at least I can still operate heavy machinery.

  4. Dawn
    April 20th, 2005 11:29

    I’ve been there too. Actually, still am there. I’ve posted quit a bit about it on my site. It does help to write it out, and I’ve found I’m not alone. I started medication, and it makes a world of difference. I didnt want to. I thought I should be able to handle it on my own. I cant. I also started seeing a therapist. I’m not giving advice, just letting you know that your not alone.

  5. LCA
    April 20th, 2005 11:42

    I had a weekend like that, and I’m still bouncing back and forth between a state kinda similar to yours and a happy-go-lucky-ish state. And I have a lot of masks. I’m not in the same situation that you are, but your feelings are familiar.

  6. NinaKaye
    April 20th, 2005 11:47

    I’ve been there. Actually, I just got out of it about a month ago. We have no extra money and it’s driving me crazy. When I finally broke down, crying all day one day, my husband realized I was stressed beyond belief. Things seemed to have gotten better since. I’m not totally pissed off at the world constantly. What I’m trying to say is: It gets better. Slowly.

  7. michaela
    April 20th, 2005 11:50

    i’m with mrtl on the meds. worked wonders. i stopped taking them once i found out i was pregnant, though, and haven’t been on them since. but just knowing that i could BE normal has helped me now that i’m no longer on the meds. i imagine one day i’ll end up on them again - but for now just knowing that i was capable of being normal gets me through the day.

    blogging keeps me sane, too. don’t regret your posts - where else are you supposed to explode?

  8. Jenn
    April 20th, 2005 12:09

    Have to admit I’ve been there too. My doctor put me on an antidepressant and told me it was temporary until I got past the trauma in my life at the time. When it came time for me to wean I didn’t like who I was without it so I’ve decided it is in everyones best interest including my own to stay on the med. Just remember, it is your body which needs the adjusting, not your mind ; ) [Hugs!]

  9. twinmama2711
    April 20th, 2005 12:19

    i am there at this very moment. right down to the part about going to play group (except i like the ladies i’m going to visit. i just don’t want to visit them today). today is one of many that have happened more and more recently. and even if i don’t feel better by tomorrow, it’s still nice to know that i am not the only one that is feeling this way. i always enjoy your posts and i love that you are so real and open. not all of us have the ’shenuts’ to be that way! i hope some ray of sunshine comes through the gray for all of us feeling like $#*% today!

  10. Stacey
    April 20th, 2005 12:22

    Oh my gosh - I am right w/ you. I feel like I’m going crazy, so unhappy w/ everything - I’m preggo w/ 2nd child (son is almost 2) so everyone is telling me its hormones, but I haven’t felt “right” in so long. Hubbie is NEVER home - I am far from family - I’ve made a couple of friends, but none that I have a ton in common with - I always feel like I’m the only unhappy one out there. I know I’ve got to do something. Good luck to you in figuring out what makes you feel better.

  11. Lujza
    April 20th, 2005 12:28

    Hey SJ….I’m an older mom here (x 3) and you are definitely not alone!! When I had my first…I thought I was going to kill someone or something on the best of days. Eventually I started to feel better. When 911 happened, I had a 3 month old and watched the horror over and over….which took me into depression for half a year or so (post partum was probably part of that too). And now…after my third….I’m doing okay BUT there are definitely periods where I feel just like you. I want to take the car and just keeping driving the highway to wherever it takes me. There are times that I don’t want to talk to anyone, times I just want to stay in bed all day/all week! Times I just want to roll up in a ball and cry…for no fricken reason. But I can’t….I have these 3 kids (and a husband) that depend on me for everything and I know that these years will be gone in a moments blink of an eye and so I try to “enjoy” them.

    I’m not on meds…although I’ve thought about them. I’ve thought about therapy too….but I’m finding that the whole blogging thing helps me feel at least a little bit better.

    Anyways….I know I’m not helping you out here….just telling you that there are definitely those of us that can relate to you and just want to tell you that you’re singled out.

    Take care!

  12. Brandi
    April 20th, 2005 12:38

    Hi SJ. As you may know from my previous comments, I am a college student. I also happen to read your site almost religiously. Honestly, your posts are the highlights of my day. Sometimes I fantasize about how happy I will be once I finish college, fall in love and reproduce– like you. I keep thinking that it will be my salvation from this endless depression that I have suffered with for so long. Alas, it seems as though even wonderful, loving new families doesn’t cure it. What is wrong with everyone? From these other comments, it seems as though none of us are alone in this, though loneliness is the canon ball hole shot through us all. Is it really all just a chemical imbalance in the brain, and if so, why would God create so many of us so terribly defunct?

  13. SuzanH
    April 20th, 2005 12:56

    I also know exactly what you’re feeling, and I agree that meds and therapy are big helps. Part of my problem (and what seems like yours) is that I had no one around me who understood what I was going through, and no one around that I liked. It took a lot of craptacular play groups and the like (free ones, cause we were so so so broke) until I found a couple of people who were fun and got it.

    A big thing is being able to say those things in real life–it’s hard to admit that you’re having problems with life, particularly when things should be “perfect”.

    Hope this helps. It takes time (and some days it seems like it’ll never end) but you will get through this.

  14. The New Pope
    April 20th, 2005 12:56

    I think you need to get pregnant as soon as possible with your second child and raise it Catholic. A second baby will make your life easier. You are obviously a great parent already so why not get working on that second one? We need more Catholics you know. Good luck in getting pregnant rreally soon, and I hope your blessed with twins or triplets… even Dooce couldn’t do that!!!

  15. Ninotchka
    April 20th, 2005 13:12

    SJ: Being home all day with a child is FREAKIN’ HARD. I don’t think you’re alone there. I hope things get better for you. My sister used to tell me to make sure to get out every single day. Whether it was a walk, trip to the grocery store, library…whatever. The library and Barnes and Noble (and other book sellers) story times are GREAT and they’re FREE. And they are tolerant of screeching, crawling/walking babies. Awesome!

    Also, believe it or not, Jazzercise helped me greatly. The exercise was great (I thought it was only for old ladies, who knew?) and some of the centers will exchange free classes if you volunteer to be a registrar for 2 classes a week, etc. And you get to take the class. Basically you just check people in for like the first few minutes and then you can just jump in. They have a nursery too so you can take Ellie. It’s kind of nice because it just gets you out of the house even if it’s just one hour. Plus you get in great shape!

    Anyway, my advice is that: get out of the house every single day and seek out the FREE stuff. It’s amazing what a little bit of routine can do for your perspective. Hang in there!

  16. rojues
    April 20th, 2005 13:14

    OK, so I posted a comment like half an hour ago that didn’t have any links in it, and it hasn’t appeared yet. Do you need to approve all comments or did something just not work right?

  17. wench
    April 20th, 2005 13:32

    Breathe in….breathe out. I have been there done that as well. Actually going thru it right now. Depressed and in a downward funk a lot lately. Blogging does help. Get it out somehow. Vent! You hold it in, you’ll deffinately need to have someone call the guys with the backwards white coats! And remember you have the right to say to anyone…”Being bitchy and unstable is all part of my mystique!!!” LMAO we sould start a foundation..The I’m fed up with everything women of America! of course you being a more elloquent writer than myself , surely you could come up with a better title, one that might even spell out something! LOL. Cheer up SJ. :D

  18. Nancy
    April 20th, 2005 13:39

    I don’t have a child, but I do have depression and while I certainly can’t claim a DX over the web, this could be the problem. If it is depression, there are drugs that can help, and I am living proof of that. I have struggled with depression most of my life – drugs make a world of difference. Just as you wouldn’t expect to “get over” diabetes without insulin, you shouldn’t expect to “get over” depression without anti-depressants. Help is out there – talk to your doctor. We’re all rooting for you.

  19. rojues
    April 20th, 2005 13:44

    Huh, my second attempt at saying what I actually wanted to say didn’t work either. Something weird going on?

  20. Aitch
    April 20th, 2005 13:47

    Shit! it sucks ass that you feel that way. I get that way too but it seems much different for you from what you’re saying. I don;t have any answers. Just know that I am here, listening.

  21. rojues
    April 20th, 2005 13:49

    So, third attempt. I’m a SAHM as well, to a baby the same age as yours. I’m a member of the July 04 Playgroup on iVillage. All I’ve been trying to say is that I get a lot of support from that board. A sense of community that I haven’t been able to find IRL. Yes, there’s some stupid stuff, but there are lots of cool, fun, smart women on the board and they help me not feel lonely. If loneliness and boredom are your major issues, I’d like to invite you to get more involved on the board. Post a little more, let people get to know you. If your depression goes way beyond that, though, see a doctor and get some medication. You need to get feeling better, for your own sake as well as your family’s.

  22. Lisa
    April 20th, 2005 13:50

    Also, drugs arent always the answer. My father took antidepressents and they CAUSED him to commit suicide…

  23. Lisa
    April 20th, 2005 13:54

    Also, one more post. I also know how you feel. I am 25 like you and I have a 13 month old who I stay at home with. I get sad and lonely too but one look at her and I know its all worth it. She is amazing and I just think about how lucky I am to have her and be able to stay at home and watch her grow.

  24. Sheryl
    April 20th, 2005 13:57

    This staying home stuff is hard. And I think the first year of having a baby is THE HARDEST. I look back and see what a basket case I was for the first year with each of my three kids. I hope you’re on meds.

  25. Heatheranne
    April 20th, 2005 14:02

    I’ve been there so many times. I’ve spent many days crying for no real reason and blowing up over the smallest things. I’d fight with my husband and my son or hide in my room. So, I know that nothing I say can make it all better for you. But I will tell you that it will pass. I don’t know when, but it will. You’re not going crazy, I promise! I wish we lived close to each other because you sound so much like me, it’s scary.

    I’m sure you don’t want to hear this because I hated hearing it too, but I realized how true it really is. You have to decide for yourself that you don’t want to be sad. You’re a strong woman and I know you have it in you to take control. You’re a good person and you deserve to be happy.

  26. Bewitched
    April 20th, 2005 14:02

    I would answer your question if I knew the answer, but I have been looking for it myself. I know what you feel, because I feel it too. I just don’t like to write or talk about it, because I feel guilty. I feel like I am a drama queen. I see people suffering and going to really hard times in other countries and even houses and then I ask myself: “what the hell are you complaing about?”; but I just don’t know.

    Anyway, don’t fell bad. You are not the only one… “…staring at the sun, afraid of what you’ll find, if you take a look inside”…

  27. Crystal
    April 20th, 2005 14:20

    SJ, I could have written that myself. I’m totally feeling that stress, and it’s become so consuming it’s difficult to even voice. I hope you are feeling better today.

  28. kristine
    April 20th, 2005 14:40

    If you see someone about to run head first into a very painful coffee table because they tripped over the lip of the rug…the same rug you tripped over and the same coffee table you hit…do you say something or do you let them hit it and hope the injury isn’t as bad as yours was?

    I was running and hit that lip in the rug and I hit that coffee table so hard it knocked the living shit out of me.

    I want to help. I want to send you my journals that said exactly all the things you are saying…expressing all the same feelings…but I know that the things I could tell you won’t make it all better, it will just make the impact to the coffee table a little less harsh. Sometimes people don’t want to see my bump on my head. I know I hide it very well.

  29. Corrie
    April 20th, 2005 14:50

    Weird, I had the crappiest day ever yesterday, I too wondered why I couldn’t buck up. I’m there with you…here’s to being a happy camper.

  30. PopeAkahn
    April 20th, 2005 15:14

    My child. Do not listen to the wimmins who do not know you and who are trying to kick you while you’re down. Only listen to me because I care about your soul.

    Now I will stop typing so we can continue our conversation on the phone.

  31. Carolyn Siler
    April 20th, 2005 15:18

    I was married to a man for 8 years who was up and down emotionally. The ups were great but the downs were like what you describe. I didn’t know how to help him. We divorced when my son was 6 years old. I moved to a house nearby so my son could spend as much time as he wanted with his dad. His dad remarried, lost his job and was going through more downs than ups. He committed suicide when my son was 11 years old. I didn’t understand because everyone loved him despite his problems and they were many, stemming from a horrible childhood. For the next 3 years my son withdrew into himself and started failing school. I took him to a psychologist (through my insurance) and he said my son needed better study skills! Finally, a year later, I bit the bullet and took him to a psychologist and a psychiatrist who diagnosed him as having attention deficit disorder (ADD). They put him on medication which would stimulate a part of the brain that also controlled his mood. It has totally changed our lives. He still struggled through high school and got into some fairly serious trouble, but he is almost 20 now and is in college. He is happy now and his downs are more like quiet periods, not sullen, hateful, destructive periods. Too late, I understood what his dad needed. Go to the doctor, have a physical, consult a psychologist. If your body doesn’t have enough of something to make it run right, take care of it so you can be happy, and those around you will be able to enjoy you again. I wish my son’s father had.

  32. mushster
    April 20th, 2005 15:31

    “I’m hoping that writing will get it out of my mind. Perhaps some of you feel the same way I do and that will help me. This is therapy. This will help me.”

    As you can see there are a lot of us who have been there/are there so I hope you feel less alone right now. And that’s all I’ll say, otherwise I’ll start rambling.

  33. PopeAkahn
    April 20th, 2005 15:36

    My child, I did not know you are an Indian Killer, which probably surprises you because you think PopeAkahn knows everything, but I can NOT BELIEVE YOU ARE AN IDIAN KILLER AND I’M TELLING JESUS ON YOU!!

  34. SuperMomIsDead
    April 20th, 2005 15:41

    Yep. I’m an at-home mom with 2 boys - ages 6 and (almost) 3. Xanax and Wellbutrin XL are lovely. I’d give you more info, but my little angel just created another disaster in mid-comment.

  35. Sarcomical
    April 20th, 2005 17:51

    okay. i am sad that you have retreated from us, but i understand. you really have no obligations to us, the only ones you have are to you and your family. it’s tough, i can imagine. not having a child yet i don’t really feel qualified to help you feel better, but i know that a LARGE amount of the population feels this way at some point (whee! makes you feel better already, right?). don’t let your spirit wither away while this is going on. find ways to nourish yourself. i know money is tight, but if you and your husband can sit down and get creative enough to find some money available, get yourself into some sort of class - be it physical, intellectual, or artistic. channel back into who YOU are, not as the mommy, but just as you. i know for myself, that helped me quite a bit. i had lost touch with myself and it makes a person feel lost and empty. and bitchy. ;) also, i have been taking something (not to jump on the meds bandwagon) but it really has helped change the way i respond to things. and i don’t care what anyone says, if it helps and doesn’t hurt - it’s worth looking into.

    miss you. take care.

  36. MollieBee
    April 20th, 2005 18:18

    Damn, in one breath someone told you to take antidepressants, then said they might make you kill yourself.

    No wonder you need a break from this.

  37. Y
    April 20th, 2005 18:30

    I’m glad you did this.

    Now if I can only get you to move to California.

    Love you, beautiful.

  38. ginger
    April 20th, 2005 18:42

    I will be here when you get back; I’m sure everyone else will be too. Good luck, feel better soon, and catch a big one. :)

  39. Stephanie
    April 20th, 2005 19:23

    Fishing sounds like a good idea.

  40. carly
    April 20th, 2005 20:12

    i know

  41. kate
    April 20th, 2005 20:16

    hi SJ. I’m not sure I have much to say that will make you feel better except that there are a lot of people who adore you and are sad that you’re sad. even though it will get better, i know better than to tell you that– it helps as much as taking a baby aspirin would help right now. it sometimes feels just shitty and hopeless and scary and crazy and that maybe nothing will ever change. you’re not alone. please please know that you are not alone.i will keep checking on the site and hope that you come back sooner rather than later. hang on. you’re a kickass woman.

  42. Tracy
    April 20th, 2005 22:18

    Recently, I had to let go. My husband had to take the reigns and tell me I had to let Hannah go visit her Aunt in another town for the weekend. I couldn’t let go. Yet, I had to. Just for a while. To get back to who I was. I was getting on edge about everything. And I was feeling ohhh so sad and depressed. The hardest thing for me to do was to let her go for a silly weekend. I fought it for weeks. Then it came time where it HAD to happen. Or I was going to totaly crack. Telling myself I’d rather die then go on like this. That’s when Hubs stepped in and told me it was time. He needed me. I needed him too. Not Hubs the father. Hubs the lover, supporter and most of all, Hubs the best friend.

    It helped. And it helped a lot, SJ. We all have to step out of the line of fire. We all need to not take everything so much to heart when we do step back. We have to try hard to get back to the fin loving stuff we miss so much. It helps, for a while and enough time to find a way to cope for another long term time of baby cries and stress in our everyday lives. I fought it with all the strength I had to keep that weekend away from my daughter from happening. And as angry as I was when she left in that truck with her Aunt and Uncle, deep inside I knew it was for the best. For everyone. But, mostly me. I didn’t want to crack at home alone with my daughter. And I was getting very close to that. I don’t want you to go thru that, SJ. I may not know you. But you bet your sweet chocolate covered strawberry making ass I care about you! Take the time you need. Start a private journal like I did. And let it out. Let Hubs see what he needs to see. And get back to being great friends with him. I know you have been trying to do something to change your life lately with wanting another bundle of joy. Once you become happy again, it will all fall into place as life intends for you. I see your pain. And I do take it to heart. Wishing I could take it away for you. Your one strong lady! You are going to get thru this better then you think right now. Just give yourself a break.

    And you have a job! Your child is your job as mine is for me. DO NOT let anyone make you think different! Ever! I know you know this. Just a heart felt reminder to not stand down.

    Go and get that weekend with your hubs alone and do nothing but be lazy in bed, home and if your lucky and want it, have a nude weekend with him. Just cause you can! *smiles*

  43. caitlin
    April 20th, 2005 22:20

    I’ve been clinically diagnosed with depression and “significant levels” of paranoia for many years, and I’m only 20 (more than half my life has been wasted with these issues now). I tried meds but they made me feel like a plant, so I went off them, but sometimes I think that maybe myself as a plant wouldn’t be nearly as bad as the fucking trainwreck that I am most of the time. I bounce from “ok” to “ohmigod, I hate everyone, everything, and my whole life is totally pointless and unfixable” like nothing else. I hope you get things figured out SJ, and if you ever want to talk, just email.

  44. Torrie
    April 20th, 2005 23:11

    I understand.
    Please get the help that you need.
    Money, a job, etc. are not the answer.
    No matter how “great” your life is, you will not feel better until you get some help. Therapy, meds, whatever it takes.
    Your husband and child need you.
    We will all miss you. There is a lot of love heading in your direction.

    *big internet hug*

  45. Wendi
    April 20th, 2005 23:28

    Talk to someone….and people telling you to “get a job”…isn’t going to make it all magically better! These feelings may be something more…explore what they mean…figure them out….do what you need to in order to make yourself better.

    Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks Sj….you have to do what’s best for you! Hang in there and best of luck in your journey!

  46. tanya
    April 21st, 2005 01:44

    I’ve been that way lately too. I’m about not to have a job. I don’t have children and don’t know if I should because I am dependant on meds. I’d love to be a mom someday. If your hurting grab anyone who will listen. Eventually you’ll find the help you need, peer support, therapy, meds, or any salvation. I’m rooting for you!

  47. brilly
    April 21st, 2005 02:56

    Welcome to the “tortured twenties” You spend an awful amount of time in your twenties trying to figure out just who you are. You might be thinking “Well blow it out your arse Brilly, I know who I am” But does anyone really know who they are in their 20’s? The person that is SJ is changing. You used to be SJ the journalist, then you were SJ the pregnant journalist sacked for her blog, then you became SAHM SJ. That’s a lot of changing to do during a time when we all grow and change anyway.

    One thing that I have noticed is the number of people who’ve said that you should take meds or go for therapy, but to me you just seem normal. Confused, unsure, redefining yourself, but ultimately normal.

  48. Mellissa
    April 21st, 2005 03:24

    Take good care of you. I hope you feel better soon. :o )

  49. Keira
    April 21st, 2005 03:57

    You’re not alone, as the huge number of people above me show. as someone who is trying to come off her “crazy medication” (thats what i like to refer to it as!) hopefully i kinda get where you’re coming from although minus cute baby. Don’t be gone too long and i hope you feel ok soon x

  50. Sam
    April 21st, 2005 04:45

    SJ. Take care of yourself. Find the help you need and try to hang in there. I hope you feel a lot better about yourself soon. I’ll miss your quirky, sarcasm. I read every day, so now I shall have to find my fix elsewhere while I wait and hope and pray that you find your old self again. I think it’s been a very big 12-18 months for you. No wonder you need to take a step back.
    I’ll miss ya :)

  51. ishouldbeworking
    April 21st, 2005 08:35

    SJ-It may definitely be a good idea to see your doctor about post-partum depression and talk about meds for it. No one has mentioned this yet, and by all means, I am not trying to tell you that I know exactly what your life is like. I am a mom, have had stretches of the hubs’ unemployment and although I don’t think I had the “clinical definition” of depression, I was definitely stressed. You may or may not know about FLYlady. Her website is a wonderful resource and she guides you through getting your house in order, coming to grips with your finances, and other things that have had a HUGE impact on my life. It doesn’t hurt to check it out at flylady.net and then decide for yourself. Using babysteps, I have brought my life a little bit closer to peace. I still have a loooonnnggg way to go, but I am miles ahead of where I was a couple years ago.

  52. Dianna
    April 21st, 2005 10:31



    Every day you take me back to 12 years ago when my girls (now 14&16) were small. It helps me remember all of the things I’d forgotten. The good AND the bad.

    My mother’s response was for me to “Get a job”…

    Fast Forward to 2003 when my sister is where I was…..

    The ENTIRE family was expected to help her…My youngest sister even had to live with her for several months to help her!

    My best advice is to do what you feel is best; but PLEASE DON’T LEAVE US!

  53. elizabetht
    April 21st, 2005 10:43

    sj i read your site every day and i think you’re awesome and funny and most of all, i just hope you feel better soon.

  54. Texas T-bone
    April 21st, 2005 11:02

    Sometimes you have to step away to find yourself. Best of luck.

  55. Kelly
    April 21st, 2005 14:05

    Just wanted you to know that you are already missed like crazy.
    Thinking of you.

  56. popedebu
    April 21st, 2005 17:03

    Man, there are some really fucked up people that comment on your blog.


    Hang in there, kiddo. Just remember to take a shower and bathe. Funny thing about those chirrins. Even when you stink like a robot, they still love the fuck out of you.

    Be well, my funny ass friend. Go pee on your husband or something.

  57. kristine
    April 21st, 2005 18:09

    Hi SJ… you’re totally validated.

    I love you. take care of you and come back to us when you’re wearing purple.

  58. Heather
    April 21st, 2005 18:20

    What a bunch of fucked up advice! These people must live at the “happy KOA” campground. You want to know what works? NOTHING. Let me repeat NOTHING. Welbutrin doesnt work…it masks the problem; but does make you horney. My husband loved it much more than I did. I think we as mothers, woman, wives go through a, lets say change of life. We get smacked with the reality that this is it. What we have it what it is. Making the best of it sounds wonderful, but the book on how to do it doesnt exsist. Other more experienced bitchers, come up w/all sorts of crazy shit, they think helped turn it around. But, after be in the battle myself for at least a year, I’m here to tell you that its all a bunch of complaining, useless bullshit. There is nothing that will make it better all the time. Sure you will have those moments where being where you are is the only place to be; and you’ll look back on a bad moment thinking “what was I thinking?” But trust me the dark cloud will be back. You have to know how to turn the lights back on. Or at least remember how the sunshine felt, and let yourself bawl it out. Its a vicious cycle, that I hope to become numb to.

  59. honey bunny
    April 22nd, 2005 10:00


    i miss you *pout*

  60. F. Turk (centuri0n)
    April 22nd, 2005 11:46

    There’s a lot of good advice here about getting professional help, and I think you should take it. But there is another question you have to ask, which Heather asked here in a sorta extreme way: is life always a happy campground? Is it supposed to be?

    The answer is “no, Life is not a happy campground.” Some people become atheists over the fact that every day isn’t their birthday in which they get the pony they always thought they wanted. Is that a good idea, really — to think that the whole world is pointless because every day doesn’t give you (multiple) physical, spiritual, emotional and mental orgasms?

    I think there is a better answer to the question, and the first part of that answer is, “the world wasn’t made waiting for you to show up.” You’re going to be dissapointed if all you want is to be “happy” because the number of people who want you to be “happy” is a very small percentage of the rest of the 6-billion-plus people that are in the world. Most of them don’t hate you, but they don’t actually care, either.

    Three years ago, I lost a really great-paying job (6-figure in northern WI) which was costing me 70+ hours a week, and my wife and I had 2 kids (at that time) under the age of 4. That was hard on my wife, because she gave up a good career to stay home with our kids because (apparently) I was a pretty good cash cow. Security went out the window.

    After that, we had to sell our house for a $40K loss, and we had to move in with her sister to keep from living in a refrigerator box under the overpass. I didn’t work for almost 2 years, and in the end we started our own business. We spent every penny we had saved for 10 years, and the business is, as of today, marginal. Needless to say, we live on less than we have had to live on since we were single. But most importantly — at the risk of running you off — we put Jesus Christ back into the center of our lives, doing what Paul said he did:

    all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant. I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself.
    That’s not the message you hear on TBN or prolly at your local church, but that’s the Gospel of Jesus Christ, SJ. Part of our lives has to be spent in fellowship with the suffering of Christ in order to get the “big payoff” that we ought to be able to see in His resurrection.

    I don’t want to overstate this, but the truth is that all of that saved our marriage. It forced us (me especially, but my wife confesses this, too) to get our game right. Like the fact that our kids are WAY more important than almost anything, and that our marriage — the promise we made to each other to stick together for the good of the other person even when either of us are bastards, or either of us are sick or economically worthless, and especially when both of us are bastards — is more important than even those two little monkeys. It made us give up the things that we thought made us cool adults for the things which, in the history of mankind, have given people refuge in this world which doesn’t care about us.

    You don’t need a job, SJ. I think first you need the help of a doctor, and then you need to find out who this Jesus is and what He has done so that you can know him personally. If any of this is true, it will change your life completely.

    God bless you. I am praying for you.

  61. mushster
    April 22nd, 2005 16:34

    Thinking of you.

  62. Becca
    April 22nd, 2005 17:16

    Miss you, SJ. Take care!

  63. Heather
    April 22nd, 2005 18:41

    F Turks advice is the path I am trying now. I dont the big JC too well, but I figured that HE is worth the effort. If anything, it certainly is time to myself, time to think and sort. My kids are happier when we go to church. I found a church, by accident, I swear, that really spoke to me. That never happened in all of my religious up bringing.
    Then….my Dad died. Holy Shit was I MAD at god, church, everything. And Im still MAD. But, my girls begged me to go to church. They learned, made friends, felt like they mattered there. I still struggle with that…Im still mad, and sad, and scared.
    But did you ever notice the local bible thumper? They have this solice, peace, and calmness that I want. I dont picture myself quoting scripture to ever set of ears I come across, and I know plenty of thumpers that dont. But F Turk has something here…
    he has to,
    there are a heck of alot of happy, calm, christians out there.
    And then again, there are alot of sad, miserable ones, that maybe just dont get it yet.
    I want to be part of the happys.
    I think it’s worth a shot; dont you?

  64. Agnostic Anon
    April 22nd, 2005 20:55

    No. I don’t think it’s a shot. I think believing something is the attempt of the human brain to rationalize the unknown. Atheists aren’t left out in this one either. They’re just as guilty for claiming to know the truth, or lackthereof. Why can’t everyone be content with knowning that they know nothing?

  65. Annie
    April 22nd, 2005 23:42

    Well, I love you and hope you feel better soon. I’ll be thinkin of ya

  66. Julie
    April 23rd, 2005 00:43

    Why can’t I just fucking buck up and act like a happy little camper?

    I am going to embroider this on a pillow and display it proudly on my living room sofa.

    Thinking of you.

  67. kristine
    April 23rd, 2005 04:30

    You get that purple scarf yet? ;)

    I found that poem. I’ll email it to you. Give baby a kiss and eat some left over egg rolls for me!

  68. Jessica
    April 23rd, 2005 12:50

    Thinking of you, SJ.


  69. grace
    April 23rd, 2005 13:57

    I know, too. Whatever it takes, I hope you find balance and peace soon.

  70. MollieBee
    April 23rd, 2005 16:16

    SJ, have you found Jesus yet? Where was that dude hiding?


  71. stella-mae
    April 24th, 2005 01:09

    omg! I SO HEAR THE WORDS AND RECALL THE HELL OF GOING THROUGH IT MYSELF. a girl once pleaded pms for killing her child in cold blood, a story i never got over or forgot until i went through the releaseing of my daughter from my milk. my hormones raged as did i, and i recall thinking i know now how she felt ,that other girl i judged so harshly. the worst time of my life was when i took my baby of my breast and released the inhospitable hormones. i feel for u and send my love. stella-mae from sask,canada it does leave sometime. there are meds for it. talk to the dr.

  72. Brandi
    April 24th, 2005 17:22

    SJ, you MUST come back to us!

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