I’m not racist because, see, I totally wanted the Black Pope!

The feeling of grief overwhelmes me. I sit in a coffee shop on a Tuesday afternoon, something that should excite me. It is, afterall, the first time I have ever been away from The Baby on a weekday doing something that didn’t have to do with my boobs, cooter or craziness.

Instead, I feel the tightening in my throat and the nausea waves in my stomach. It isn’t a pregnancy, no, I “checked” again this morning after last night’s intense desire for a turkey leg boughten from a fair. I am not sure if boughten is a word but it is for this blog. It is my blog and I make up words as I so well please.

Also desired: BBQ potato chips, which I ate at an alarming rate, and hummus, which I had for dinner.

No, I’m just crazy. And hungry.

Perhaps it was that Miss E wouldn’t go down for her nap this morning, instead choosing to spend the time in her crib screaming, crying and snotting. Made me feel like a bad Mom for putting her in there in the first place.

It has been working so many times, why now?

I think she was upset about The Pope. I was kind of upset, too, as I hoped the Nigerian would win because that’s what we need in 2005, we need a black Pope. But no, The Nazis won and there’s a German.

All Nazis may send their hate mail to ZeigHeil@KKK.com

I tried to tell her that it didn’t matter as we aren’t Catholic and that we don’t follow the Pope. She didn’t care. She was tired of the white smoke/black smoke TV banter that kept interrupting The View on TV. She told the people to stop cheering about some stupid bells getting rung as they could watch the news and not have to run to the Vatican to see what happened.

Instead of telling me what was wrong, she kept throwing toys out of her crib, as that is what she does at this stage, she throws things she doesn’t like. Things she does not like include, but are not limited to, sippy cups, old cell phones that are now toys and anything in her bed.

I’m currently atop that list for the crib fiasco earlier. If I didn’t weigh 140 pounds, she’d throw my ass too. Speaking of my ass, my darling child, I’d like for you to take those last 8 pounds from me as I was down to “skinny” weight before I got pregnant.

Anyway, the people who were sleeping in “my spot” at the coffeeshop have moved. Now I stare at the guy dipping a chocolate scone into his coffee and the ladies who don’t have anything better to do than to meet up at the coffee shop.

Then I realize they don’t have chocolate chip muffins. I don’t need the chocolate chip muffins as I don’t need to spend anymore money, but I thought about buying one to cheer myself up.

I figured it was the least I could do since I solved my turkey leg problem by eating chicken lunchmeat with BBQ sauce on it.

29 Responses to “I’m not racist because, see, I totally wanted the Black Pope!”

  1. Y
    April 19th, 2005 13:40


    My quarter german is PEYOSSED. (get it? pissed, beyotch style?)

  2. Sarcastic Journalist
    April 19th, 2005 13:41

    Second! My husband has some German in him, too. (Actually, that’s dirty. I’m not German, mostly Cajun, so I guess he has a little cajun in him haha) Hopefully he doesn’t divorce me after this one.

  3. Tracy
    April 19th, 2005 13:45

    I actually was hoping for him myself. Him, or the one from Honduras. But, I figured since I’m not catholic either I should just clap my hands and hope for the best for the Catholics out there.

    But, privately, I still *sigh* about the fast decision. Which, by the way, was the fastest decision in electing a pope, am I correct on that? Sure seemed that way from what I read recently.

    But, on a side note, he sure has some shiny white hair going on there. I hope mine looks that good t that age. And not all yellow or colored blue because it’s turning yellow or even that puke yellow-brown. *shudder*

  4. Ninotchka
    April 19th, 2005 14:28

    I have German in me. A smidgen. I still wanted a Black pope. Hispanic would have been a nice consolation prize. But this guy? Shit.

  5. MollieBee
    April 19th, 2005 15:05

    Dude, he’s german…and his pope name will be Benedict.

    It just doesn’t seem right.

  6. debutaunt
    April 19th, 2005 15:14

    Hey, I’m Catholic and I don’t know who the fuck any of them are.

    Because I said Pope and fuck in the same sentence in my blog I’m going to hell anyway.

    So black, German … none of it matters to me anyway.

  7. edumacated?
    April 19th, 2005 15:24

    Long time lurker, occasional commenter (commentator?)… love your stories, SJ - especially the poo ones. :D
    My husband works in international development (specifically African projects) and we’ve argued this back and forth many times. While the candidates were all pretty hardline, we worried about Arinze because his stand on AIDS (that it’s due to poverty vs a lack of education and access to protection) and on (proven) methods of protection (ie: condoms are immoral) could actually do a lot of damage by contradicting the development work that could otherwise be gaining ground. Not that the others would have said or been any different, but a Nigerian African saying it would be a real blow to the slow progress that they’re trying to make.
    2.3 million Africans died of AIDS last year and it would have helped so much if the Church had just said “condoms are ok”. I’m Catholic, so yes I understand the religious implications, but we are talking about human beings dying potentially preventable deaths.
    I’m going to put the soapbox away now because I could bore you all to tears with all the stats I’ve learned by heart since knowing my honeybunch, and it’s more fun to read SJ than me!

  8. deleted
    April 19th, 2005 15:56

    I’m with you on the Nazi Pope thing. I wanted the black guy to win, too. How cool would that have been to have a black Pope?

    This Papal election was almost as interesting as Survivor.

  9. mushster
    April 19th, 2005 17:42

    I’m catholic and really didn’t want this guy. My first thought was that it worries me, but that’s not really it as I decide for myself what I do and think anyway. It’s disappointment I feel. Disappointment that we have someone so rigidly conservative. Guess I just have to continue being the bad little mick who doesn’t do as she’s told.

  10. Heatheranne
    April 19th, 2005 17:55

    I’m not catholic and I totally haven’t been following the Pope decision. I’m going to hell.

  11. Stacey
    April 19th, 2005 19:01

    This is a day when God went on vacation without remembering to dispatch the Holy Spirit with the “anything but a nazi pope, guys” roll of paper around the ankle.

  12. Y
    April 19th, 2005 19:02

    You’re totally copying me because I wrote a post once about being a quarter german.

  13. michaela
    April 19th, 2005 21:03

    lovin’ the new masthead.

  14. annie
    April 19th, 2005 21:25

    ok, so I go to my parents house and my mom is all happy about the new Pope, and I, who is going to hell anyway, looked at her and asked what the big deal was. I think she’s probably lighting candles all over town for me as I type this
    *I’m a recovering Catholic

  15. Autumn
    April 19th, 2005 22:30

    I wanted a black pope, too. That would have been so SWEET!

  16. deleted
    April 19th, 2005 22:40

    In response to the comments from Catholics: What do you really mean when you say “conservative”? I am a Protestant. When I see the word “conservative” I think of the conservative Gospel values such as love, monogomy, heterosexuality, honesty, aestheticism, etc. You know, all the stuff Jesus taught us in the Gospels. However, when a Catholic says the word “conservative”, do they really mean “Church Traditions”? Specifically in regards to birth control. Church traditions would be any practices of the Church which have no scriptural basis. **covers head with hands** When you say you want a less conservative Pope, do you really mean you want a Pope who adheres less to Church traditions and more to Scripture?

    I’m just asking.

    SJ, sorry for doing this here.

  17. Alex
    April 20th, 2005 01:44

    I enjoy your writing but i have to say i am sick and tired of people calling all things German “nazi”. Even though the current pope is probably old enough to have been a Nazi, I am pretty sure his election had absolutely nothing to do with that. German does not equal “Nazi” and it is very insulting to keep saying that. I don’t call every American I see an “Indian killer”. Like, the Indian killers won in Iraq. How would you like that, you Indian killer? Btw, I am not German.

  18. Tracy
    April 20th, 2005 08:33

    I just got to say this. And I’ll keep quiet. What part of the word “sarcastic” are we missing here? I have German blood running thru my veins. Quite a lot of it, in fact. Same blood also has quite a lot of Jewish blood, not to mention Irish, scotish, French .. I won’t go on. I hope you see my point in the fact I didn’t take any offense what so ever. Why? People have the right to speak what they wish. Just as much as you (or I) have the right to take what many say to be more then it really is. Some of the posting here is becoming borderline political. Look at her name she uses in writing these postings. Then relax. ;) I may be worng. Yet, I have a distinct feeling that some of us are reading too much into it?
    Just another opinion. On a side note, keep the laughs coming. I think they are sending me into a higher amount of contractions each day. :D

  19. Tracy
    April 20th, 2005 08:58

    Let me change that from some postings to some ( I repeat, some) comments becoming borderline political. It’s early and still have eye goop that won’t come out, in the corner of my eyes.
    I just never have seen this blog as a political blog… ever.

  20. edumacated?
    April 20th, 2005 09:08

    Alex - do some research before you post. If you had, you’d know that Ratzinger was briefly enrolled in the Hitler Youth and did work for the German army during the 40s, hence the widespread Nazi suspicions. Out and out labelling him a Nazi? Well that, as Tracy points out, is Sarcastic Journalism™.

  21. April
    April 20th, 2005 09:09

    I was pulling for the black pope as well but alas we get the german. Benedict is kind of a strange name and makes me think he’s going to be a liar a la Benedict Arnold…who knows.

  22. Kismet
    April 20th, 2005 09:15

    Personally I was hoping for that Italian guy Sicola…..Oh wait, then we’d have …….wait for it……
    Pope Sicola!

  23. Tracy
    April 20th, 2005 09:29

    From what I have read, he chose the name Benedict for the last Benedictthat was Pope. He was the Pope in times of war and harder times. During WWI if I’m not mistaken. So, there is a reason why he used this name. And yes, when he was a teen, he was briefly in a natzi teen party if that information I got from news links was also correct. He was one of John Paul’s closest cardinals. And we all know that John Paul had much dispair during the Natzi regeme directed at his people and family. With all that being said, I still wish the members catholic religion the best with their new Papa. Can’t please all the people all the time. Or so some smart person said somewhere in the past.

  24. mrtl
    April 20th, 2005 09:44

    It’s not too late for a black pope! Oprah and Samuel L. Jackson are in the running at http://slowchildrenatplay.blogspot.com/.

  25. Sarcastic Journalist
    April 20th, 2005 09:58

    If anyone knows anything, it is that I’m NOT political and this blog will never be a political blog. Traci is right. This is the “sarcastic” journalist. Pretty much, let’s put it this way: If you think there’s a way to get offended, remember the title. Seriously people.

    I can’t make everyone happy. If you want to call me an Indian Killer, than GO AHEAD. I kill Indians! In fact, I personally went over to Iraq and killed little Iraqi babies.

    I keep a couple of Indians in my closet for naptime before Dr. Phil comes on.

    Here’s a life lesson, not aimed at anyone in particular: Don’t take things so seriously. It gives you wrinkles.

    Also, the Nazi thing? I had a friend who was a German exchange student and he got all pissed when I made a joke. Then he realized the type of person I am and that it is said as a funny. As in THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT NAZIS but lets make it funny anyway!

  26. Emily
    April 20th, 2005 10:06

    These kinds of post that bring forth these type of comments just make my day!

  27. mushster
    April 20th, 2005 15:14

    In response to deleted’s question (sorry it’s a bit late in coming), personally I don’t have a problem with conservative, it’s the rigidness of interpretation I don’t like. We can move with the times without moving away from the basic values.

    Just my opinion though, I don’t speak for all Catholics.

    I need a rest now, seriousness (new word?) hurts my brain. ;)

  28. Sarcastic Journalist
    April 20th, 2005 15:19

    Two Pope comments in one day! Wow, I’m totally special. Now I must go to continue my conversation on the phone.

  29. Robotnik
    April 21st, 2005 16:17

    I’m already in Hell. I can’t possibly BE GOING there.

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