Poop Happens

Yesterday, as I sat at the dining room table, laughing at the cattiness over at the CBB, Miss E hung out in her play area a few feet away from me. I kept watch on her as she tried to figure out how to climb over the beanbags we use to keep her away from the rest of the house, also known as the Land Where Things Magically Disappear Into Her Mouth.

Then I heard a cry. Not just a normal “You stupid woman, let me play with knives!” cry, but a cry of pain. I rushed over to her, swooping her into my arms to comfort her. Then I smelled it: Poop.

We walked into the bathroom, where her changing pad is located, and I changed her diaper. I found a little pooplet inside, definitely not something that should cause her to scream bloody murder.

Slowly but surely, a hard, green poop log erupted from her bottom, only to stop halfway out. She started screaming louder, wailing as I yelled at The Hubs to “get her damn bottle right now!"Nothing helped. She was screaming and crying as the poop was stuck halfway in and halfway out. I rubbed on her belly. Nothing.

At that moment, I ran into the living room and called Nurse Mom. “We’ve got stuck poop! What do I do?” I yelled, imagining having to bring my child and her poop butt to the emergency room. “It won’t come out!”

What she instructed me to do, Internet, is something only a loving Mom would do for her child. I grabbed a Q-Tip, put Vasoline on it and started digging poop out of my child’s ass.

I’m not talking about using the Q-Tip as a suppository, which, by the way, works. I was digging poop out of her butt. It took multiple Q-Tips to finish the job.

By the way, before I go on to the next part of my story, I want to say that we then started giving her half prune juice, half water and it WORKED. What just came out of my child’s butt (while I was typing this) was truly an act of God.

I can only imagine that an elephant could have just shit as much as she did.

Anyway, speaking of constipation. While she was screaming, I kept rubbing her head and telling her I knew the pain. Back in October of 2003, when I started having all my weird “symptoms” that I went to the doctor with, such as vomiting and heartburn, I hadn’t pooped in several days.

My doctor asked me if I was constipated, which I answered with a quick “NO!” without thinking if I was or wasn’t.

Then it hit me later on in the day. I hadn’t pooped in about 5 or 6 days. Oh. No. I go back to work to talk to our photographer about photographing candy apples for a story. Then I feel it. Poop. Poking me in the back.

This wasn’t the type of poop one would make at work, so I sucked it up for as long as possible. Eventually, with only a few minutes towards quitting time, I leave early and head home, you know, to poop.

Then I waited. And waited. No poop came.

I started to feel frantic. We were leaving at 6am the next day to fly to New Mexico. I had to get this poop out NOW. I start popping laxatives, to no avail. I walk up and down stairs. I sit on the toilet, sit on the couch. I begin to hit my lower back in hopes of dislodging the poop.

At this point, it feels as if someone has a coat hanger in my colon. The poop is poking me from the inside. I start to cry. The poop is hurting. Finally, knowing what I have to do, I head upstairs. I pull out my suppositories (the same thing happend THE DAY BEFORE I GOT MARRIED) and went to town.

I shoved a butt bullet up my ass in hopes of making myself go poo.

Then I waited. And waited. I sat on the toilet and finally, things started to happen. I grimaced in pain as I went Number Two. I grabbed the trash can and placed it in my lap because there was No Way I was going to make it through this without vomiting.

I took off my shirt. I tried to take deep breaths. Tears streamed down my face.

Finally, it was over. What sat in the toilet, and I’m not kidding here, was as big as my forearm. I walk out of the bathroom and down the hall, still feeling weak from giving birth to a poop of Biblical proportions when The Hubs jumps out and scares me.

I scream and yell every obscenity at him. “Don’t you know that I just gave birth in there? That motherfucking HURT! Leave me alone!”

Eight months later, I gave birth and honestly, I can say that experience was more pleasant.

41 Comments

  1. Oh my gosh, you have me laughing so hard right now!! I love your stories, oh geez I just can’t stop laughing!!! Thanks for that one.

    Comment by Priscilla — 4/17/2005 @ 7:36 pm

  2. thanks, SJ, you have officially made me more scared of pooping than of childbirth!

    Comment by tracy — 4/17/2005 @ 8:18 pm

  3. suppositories are the secret? I wish my OB doctor had told me that a few months ago, during my first trimester. So that was entertaining and informative. Thanks!

    Comment by Kris — 4/17/2005 @ 8:56 pm

  4. Super dieter’s tea. We call it butt bomb tea. You will crap until you are nearly unconscious.

    I put Baby Z into squat mode when she had ouchie belly like that. Works every time.

    And finally, oatmeal. Regularly. It’s not called “nature’s broom” for nothing.

    Comment by debutaunt — 4/17/2005 @ 9:00 pm

  5. SJ,
    I really enjoy reading your blog. You’re a great writer with a fantastic wit. I feel however, that lately your entries resemble dooce’s a little too much. I’m not in anyway trying to say this to be mean, I just wanted to let you know what I’ve noticed a striking similarity.

    Comment by Caroline — 4/17/2005 @ 9:05 pm

  6. Caroline, there’s this thing called “life.” My baby happened to get constipated yesterday and I thought of my story.

    I’m sorry if my baby and dooce’s husband got constipated in the same week. Who would have thought?

    I’m not copying anyone. And honestly, I don’t know what you’re talking about. We wrote about the same thing in one week.

    Oh well. Next time I’ll tell my baby to hold it in!

    Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — 4/17/2005 @ 9:12 pm

  7. SJ! Don’t you know that only dooce is allowed to write about constipation, because, I think she invented it! Yes! She did!

    I think dooce is a great writer, but I don’t get people’s obsession with her.

    And I’m just curious, Carolyn, you said you weren’t trying to be mean, so what exactly was your motive for your comment?

    Comment by Y — 4/17/2005 @ 9:30 pm

  8. Um, come on SJ… Dooce has the freaking PATENT on constipation posts! Dontcha know you are NOT allowed to discuss poop anywhere else? Oh, and I totally think you are copying me, because I posted Friday about my dog eating and then shitting out my thongs. I’m sure they made him constipated. COPYCAT!!

    Ok, but seriously, your post made me laugh hysterically, I had to stifle my laughter so the hubs wouldn’t think I was nuts.

    Comment by Crystal — 4/17/2005 @ 9:48 pm

  9. You change your baby’s diaper on a changing pad in the bathroom? God bless. We change wherever the poop happens.

    And…just so you feel better…I stick a rectal thermometer up my babies’ asses and hold it there and wait if they haven’t poop in a day or two in order to help it along.

    I should try that on myself.

    Comment by Autumn — 4/17/2005 @ 10:34 pm

  10. I’m crying…

    oh my god

    everyone has a monster shit story.

    Comment by Stacey — 4/17/2005 @ 11:24 pm

  11. I am totally going anonymous on this one, not that anyone knows me ;-)
    BUT I experienced the same kind of SHIT! Seriously - I thought I was the only one, ever! We came home from a european trip - and I had to GO, but there are no bathrooms before you go through customs (you have to wait for your luggage, so there was some kind of hassle about it - so I thought I would hold it - yup…) So-an hour or more home and I finally get to sit on the john and OMG, it came half’n way out and stuck. It was WAY worse than delivering a baby - I mean it’s poop! THEE most horrendous experience of my life - really. I screamed and yelled at my husband who kept saying I needed to get up so he could pee (one bathroom - then) and I was SCREECHING for him to find a tree, use the kitchen sink I was not getting up (though I tried to waddle around to get some momentum!) nor coming out lest I rip his head off. Oh S.J. - someone understands - LMAO!

    I have tried Dooce, once - but it’s here I keep coming back to (i agree w/Y!) I just cannot believe your arse of a commentator…
    You write SO good (even about con sti pation…)!

    Comment by e — 4/18/2005 @ 12:03 am

  12. OH and thank goodness E. has such a wonderful momma who would help her through her pain! You are a sweetheart and a wonderful mom! (at my age - and that happens, you are on your OWN! :-( )

    Comment by e — 4/18/2005 @ 12:06 am

  13. Oh my Goddess! ROFLMAO! That reminds me of this group of women I used to work with where we would talk about the “dookie monsters” that gave us a hard time…

    just so you know, we were all scientists, so…

    Comment by Gina — 4/18/2005 @ 1:46 am

  14. OH MY GOD. I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying.

    I’ve experienced stuff like this before (oh god, I’m copying you! *rolls eyes*). My son used to get constipated really bad. We tried different formulas, belly rubbing, and the thermometer trick. We finally figured out that he needed low iron formula. It worked. Now he poops like a champion.

    Myself…I’ve had my moments of constipation. Summer of 2003 it happened twice thanks to water pills. And then after I gave birth. The colace didn’t help, but I kept my mouth shut about it to the doctor because they would’ve kept me longer.

    It all came out in the end, after much screaming and crying. :-D

    Comment by Jessica — 4/18/2005 @ 1:49 am

  15. I’ve only been constipated during pregnancy and all I can say is that constipation AND piles is no fun. Talk about pain. Then you get scared to go and that just makes it worse.

    Luckily I’m an every day girl. Like clockwork.

    As for the ‘copying’ thing. Weren’t you copying Y with the booby drawings? Y will be sad if you’re copying off someone else. :-)

    Comment by brilly — 4/18/2005 @ 3:15 am

  16. Oops forgot to say that I like the new layout. We have a croquet court up the road. It’s a bloody vicious game. You can be really nasty to your opponants.

    Comment by brilly — 4/18/2005 @ 3:18 am

  17. Ha! One of these kinds of poos happened to me when the Hubs and I flew out to Cali so I could meet his parents for the first time. I was mortified. Here I am meeting them for the first time and I spent 2 hours in the bathroom trying to drop the kids off at the pool.

    Comment by Jen — 4/18/2005 @ 7:43 am

  18. hahahah! this is the best story ever! i’m sorry Miss E was in so much pain though. that must be tough for a baby. i’ve been in your position though, too, and i think pooping a poop as big as a fir log has turned me off from ever having kids. ever.

    Comment by honey bunny — 4/18/2005 @ 9:44 am

  19. oh and i think carolyn can go suck a fuck. block her IP, SJ!

    Comment by honey bunny — 4/18/2005 @ 9:47 am

  20. It wasn’t very nice what she said but she has since said sorry. So, all is okay. LET’S ALL THINK BEFORE WE COMMENT, OKAY? Being mean to SJ makes SJ cry. And then The Hubs has to deal with SJ and he doesn’t like that.

    Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — 4/18/2005 @ 10:05 am

  21. I’ve never known misery such as the misery produced by long term HG and Zofran combined. At least none such that I have memory of.

    Poor Ellie girl, let’s hope she doesn’t remember the horror and she’s spared a replay later in life.

    Comment by cas — 4/18/2005 @ 10:10 am

  22. Lawd, I can relate!

    I find it so silly when people compare you and dooce, as if you aren’t fucking allowed to write about constipation! People shit everyday and you guys happened to write about it in the same week - dear god!!!!!!!

    Comment by Di — 4/18/2005 @ 11:20 am

  23. SJ,

    You are a total original. Dooce didn’t even come to mind when I read this entry.

    Comment by deleted — 4/18/2005 @ 11:51 am

  24. Everybody poops. Some of us write about it. That doesn’t make all of us Dooce-copiers. I thought your post was hilarious, poor Ellie.

    Comment by caitlin — 4/18/2005 @ 12:08 pm

  25. I had that happen to me. I was living in France at the time. I had just walked home from a friend’s house when I was struck by searing back pain. I thought I had a tumor in my spinal cord, or a slipped disc or something. I was doubled over and crying when my fiance came home.

    We had to go to the ER. I was vomiting by this time. They decided I needed an X-ray. OK. I go in. They X-ray my spine. Then the doctor comes back to the room where I’m waiting and announces “Madame, vous avez beaucoup de matiere fecale dans vos intestins". Even if you don’t speak French, you can decipher that gem. Beaucoup = lots, matiere fecal = fecal matter, etc.

    I was mortified. My fiance was happy. He practically skipped out of the ER. Meanwhile, unrelieved, I’m still there, needing helped out of the hospital.

    The dr. (an intern) gave me a prescription for a laxitive and another (codeine) for the pain. Well, if anyone reading this has any medical knowledge, they know that codeine is a contipator. So the codeine and the laxitive canceled each other out. I didn’t shit for another week at least.

    I have since discovered Ex-Lax…or Boom-0-Lax, as I like to call it.

    The things you’ll do as a mother…I haven’t had to Q-tip shit out of my baby’s butt yet! Yet, being the operative word here. I have held her while she’s puked down my back and into my shoes…not moving for fear of having a vomit trail through our house.

    You have inspired me. Although this is my favorite shit story, I have another one that tops it. I’m going to my blog.

    And no, I don’t read Dooce. I don’t get it. Mildly amusing, but no side splitter. Dad Gone Mad sends me into hysterics every day.

    Comment by Laura — 4/18/2005 @ 12:47 pm

  26. i’m dying. i can’t type much more because i’m squinting so hard in pain.

    Comment by Sarcomical — 4/18/2005 @ 1:20 pm

  27. also? just because the topic of poop comes up doesn’t mean you’re copying dooce. get over it, caroline!

    Comment by Sarcomical — 4/18/2005 @ 1:22 pm

  28. Salad tongs. Works every time.

    Comment by Texas T-bone — 4/18/2005 @ 3:14 pm

  29. Mmm, that was graphic. :)

    As for the dooce issue, it’s sort of like when my sister and I were in middle school and had a crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement. We loved him while we had to hunt for him a little bit in Bop and Teen Beat, thrilled with a single 8 x 10. But when he started getting hugely popular with the 13 and under set and suddenly started getting odes to his wonderfullness published in the mags and also a CENTERFOLD (gasp), we weren’t so thrilled.

    The moral of that story is this: Too popular equals no fun because who wants to like the same thing everybody else does? I’d rather branch out and find something only half the planet has noticed instead of something everybody and their mama reads.

    Comment by Kristin — 4/18/2005 @ 3:54 pm

  30. poop stinks

    Comment by AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch — 4/18/2005 @ 3:58 pm

  31. No Andreah, LOVE stinks. Yah Yah.

    ;)

    Oh for poop’s sakes. Thanks for informing the CBB world about the “mommy drive-by". That was a fun thread, too bad it got closed.

    Remember that other post you did about poo and you said “pinch a loaf". I can’t stop using that phrase, so thanks.

    Comment by MollieBee — 4/18/2005 @ 4:19 pm

  32. Damn I forgot to add:

    Love the ballbreakin honey up there!

    Comment by MollieBee — 4/18/2005 @ 4:20 pm

  33. Too funny! I’ve had to use a vaseline coated pinky finger on Boy Terror, I don’t know why I didn’t think of a q-tip. Poor babies. People shoving stuff up their asses, poop trying to explode out their belly buttons…it’s a wonder they survive.

    Comment by Tammy — 4/18/2005 @ 4:45 pm

  34. Wait. Why was it green?

    Comment by Dr. Johnny Fever — 4/18/2005 @ 5:38 pm

  35. Dr. Johnny - green signals tummy trouble.

    SJ - you crack me up! I’ve had plenty of those kind of poopy moments where I had to “help it out". When she stops liking prune juice (until she’s 65, of course) 100% pear juice (I know Gerber makes some, I think also Juicy Juice..) works just as well and tastes a LOT better.

    Comment by Tina — 4/18/2005 @ 6:01 pm

  36. I forgot to add the helping of the poopy was with my son. There’s no way I’d go up my own bum searching for poo. Because you know, that would be gross.

    Comment by Tina — 4/18/2005 @ 6:03 pm

  37. That, my friends, is love.
    You are obviously a great mother.

    Comment by Torrie — 4/18/2005 @ 10:05 pm

  38. Since this is number 38, nobody will read it. Anyway, since we’re talking about poop, I recently started taking Metamucil a few times a day. Not to keep me regular, mind you, but for the cholesterol lowering effect. Metamucil poop is very light and airy, so much that yesterday I had to flush 4 times to get one small peice down. I swear, it looked like a ‘turd balloon.’ I’m pretty sure it was filled with air. And that thing did not want to go down the drain for anything! Sadly, I was laughing hysterically to myself by the throne…

    Thanks for talking about things that happen in everyday life!

    Comment by Ty — 4/18/2005 @ 10:11 pm

  39. LOL - I almost peed myself

    Comment by Annie — 4/19/2005 @ 12:06 am

  40. A pee post right after a poop post… did you plan that?

    heehee. I’m sorry. Poop is funny.

    Comment by Gweny — 4/19/2005 @ 11:58 am

  41. Might I make a suggestion to ya? Q-tips *could* cause damage if not ummm inserted corretly. Having worked in many a nursing home where the old folks get constipated and or impacted like every other day…and being the lowly nurses aide…it was my job to un-impact. Please don’t ask! LOL a really really degrading part of being a nurses aide is all you need to know …anywho….a hot and very soapy facecloth lightly massaged on the a-hole will stimulate the muscles into a good poop… also…that bulb nose sucker thingie most moms have..soapy water again, as a mini enema for a kids little behind…just remember it is a little bum NOT Thanksgiving turkey you are trying to baste! SO small, small *i can’t say it enough* SMALL ammount of soapy water up the poop chute! if those fail. resort to what works for you. Also for laughs, check out the http://www.poopreport.com/ very funny stories on there.

    Comment by wench — 4/20/2005 @ 12:50 am

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