What else do I write? I don’t have the right.

April 15th, 2005

Usually, right around Christmastime, I start thinking about years past and how they compare with the current year. What was I doing during Christmas in the past? What am I doing now? How is it different?

I now have a new day that I’ll probably stop and contemplate. One year ago tomorrow was the day I got fired. It happened on a Friday, however, so I’m going to say one year ago today.

I called The Hubs up at work and he didn’t seem to get the significance. He kind of chuckled and said “okay” as I explained How Important This Day Is!

April 16, 2004 was the first of many days where I honestly felt as if I couldn’t go on. I relate the feelings I had to being slowly suffocated. I could still breathe, but not like I should. I couldn’t think, couldn’t talk, couldn’t do anything except ask myself “What have I done?”

Since then, in this past year, I have been virtually tarred and feathered repeatedly on the internet. At first, it was hard and it still can be so now. But, I’m dealing with it better. Not always, but I’m able to step back from what is happening and think one of my favorite quotes that helped me in high school.

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” –Eleanor Roosevelt.

Since that time, I have taken ownership of what has happened. I accept responsibility for my actions. Yes, I did something wrong and I was fired for it. I was not the first and I certainly won’t be the last to get fired for what I wrote on the internet. It happens.

So much has changed since I started this blog way back in March of 2003. I think, if anything, I’ve become more comfortable with sharing who I really am with people. I definitely have a new mentality of “This is me. If you don’t like it, leave.” I am who I am.

I heard the lyrics that make up the title to this entry earlier in the car. The words before it go like this: “What else do I say? Everyone is gay.”

I don’t mean to say that everyone is homosexual. If you think about the meaning of the words, it makes perfect sense. Gay people are born that way. They don’t choose it. If anything, it can be very hard to be gay because people don’t accept you for who you are.

Doesn’t that apply to real life? Can’t it be hard to be yourself because people don’t want to accept the fact that you are different?

My life has changed so much in this past year. With a move back to Texas and the birth of the most beautiful girl in the world, my life is nothing like it was on April 15, 2004.

I am able to tell some people “in real life” about my depression. I’m working hard to get a book published. I have a daughter I love more than anything with a second one in the near future and, of course, a husband who has stood by me through all of this.

If you asked me after I got fired how I’d be a year later, I would not have known. The grief, the pain I felt was so horrible, so all-consuming, that I didn’t think I could find the light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not know what this next year will hold in store. I want to thank all of you who have stood by my side during this time. I want to thank you for the friendships and the emails and the nice comments. Even though I may not respond to all, do know I read everything written on here.

Everything happens for a reason.

26 Comments

  1. MollieBee wrote,

    First bitches!

    Aw, thanks for being you and writing about it.

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 3:07 pm

  2. Robotnik wrote,

    Hey, if Nirvana works for you… more power to you. 365 days can change everything or nothing at all. It is up to you. I don’t even REMEMBER how I found this blog. Oh wait, yes I do. Via Eurotrash. I got intrigued by the name. It turns out (and you know this now) that I would NEVER EVER read blogs like this–and that yours is the only one of this genre that I do read, but something…SOMETHING struck a chord and made a connection. I (and you) know what that something is. And it has developed into a great friendship.

    Cheers to you and Ellie and Da Hubs. I’m raising this glass in your honor. Here’s to hearing about your bestseller and your option for a movie starring Whoeverthefeckyouwant to play you.

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 3:24 pm

  3. Gina wrote,

    Thanks for this post…I got fired in November to set an “example” for an evil manager…I’m glad to know that one can survive the process…

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 3:33 pm

  4. Brandi wrote,

    I love you SJ!

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 4:05 pm

  5. Stacey wrote,

    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 4:09 pm

  6. Melissa wrote,

    You’ve made it through so many tough things in the past year, yet you keep making us laugh. Thanks for that. If only we could repay you!

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 4:13 pm

  7. Tuesdayef wrote,

    You couldn’t be more right.

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 4:43 pm

  8. Tish wrote,

    I can empathize more than you know. But after a year, life is now on a level the previous job could have NEVER offered me. We should celebrate together some time and say THANKS to those people that shoved us through the mystery door #1.

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 6:27 pm

  9. Robotnik wrote,

    Also, getting canned is not so bad. I’ve been sacked with the best of ‘em, from the best of ‘em. The hardest one to take was being let go from “Meet the Press.” I loved working w/Tim Russert and that whole team. But, as usual, The Producers had to step in and feck things up.

    In any case, a job is a job is a job. Now I don’t think anything of them. I go in KNOWING I’ll eventually get sacked, and that keeps me nice and relaxed.

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 7:13 pm

  10. SuzanH wrote,

    I’m so glad you feel better. It’s amazing what a year can do.

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 8:30 pm

  11. Bewitched wrote,

    I guess the humiliation of being fired (I have never been fired, but I am sure I would feel humiliated) without a reasonable reason was devastating, but I am glad to know that after all was said and done you came to realize that a job is just a job and there are more important things in life, like your husband, the place where you live and, of course, your beautiful daughter. Before falling in love with my husband, I was the type of person who thinks that a good professional life is essential for someone’s well being. Oh well, life proved me wrong. I feel in love with the most wonderful man on Earth and I had to choose between my career and love. I chose love and, now, I am different person. Life is more than one single thing, no matter what it is: husband, job, house, parents… Life is everything… we just have to learn how to enjoy every single little part of it, when the time is right. ;)

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 9:19 pm

  12. Laura wrote,

    I’ve put so much identifying information in my blog…anyone reading it who actually knew me would be able to instantly identify me. Good thing I’m already unemployed!!! :)

    Comment on 4/15/2005 @ 10:03 pm

  13. Autumn wrote,

    Hey. Nice post. Thank you. And you know what my dad always tells me? “You have a nice life.” no matter how shitty things are, he says I have a nice life. And I do. And so do you. OH MY GOD, you are so young. You have so much fun stuff to look forward to. Fun stuff…I mean that sincerely.

    Comment on 4/16/2005 @ 12:24 am

  14. Antonia wrote,

    You’ve made miracles happen for yourself, lady. That’s all because you’re strong and have balls of steel. Follow those balls, if you ask me.

    Comment on 4/16/2005 @ 12:33 am

  15. frozenmojo wrote,

    there’s a book out there called “i got fired and it was the best thing that happened to me”, I have a feeling one day, you’ll have your own entry in the updated, reprinted version. :-)

    Comment on 4/16/2005 @ 9:46 am

  16. Heatheranne wrote,

    Nice post. And now I have “All Apologies” in my head, but it’s cool. I love that song.

    Comment on 4/16/2005 @ 11:15 am

  17. Priscilla wrote,

    I really don’t know how I came upon your site but have since become addicted to it. I love your writing, I admire you and I congratulate you on making it through this year and coming out better on the other side!!

    Comment on 4/16/2005 @ 3:05 pm

  18. chris wrote,

    did you have a hard time with that whole “you are NOT your job” idea in the beginning? once i got past that part, being fired was a gift from the gods, albeit delivered by one of the lords of the underworld. blessings

    Comment on 4/16/2005 @ 4:50 pm

  19. Michelle wrote,

    You know, I never thought poorly of you b/c of the way you got fired. I think it’s sh*tty of companies to fire someone for what is said anonomyously on a blog. Although, I suppose if you were blogging more than working, they might’ve had a point, but, you know, I didn’t care. You were/are so much better than them and anyone who can’t see that can suck it.

    Just b/c a few nutjobs felt the need to be nasty to you doesn’t mean everyone felt the same way. Don’t internalize too much of the hate.

    You have a lot of good things happening, things that might not have happened if you hadn’t been fired. If you aren’t an example of someone taking lemons and making lemonade, I don’t know who is.:)

    Michelle

    Comment on 4/16/2005 @ 9:00 pm

  20. wench wrote,

    HI! I’m a long time reader first time commenter… Things do happen for a reason. *I have found this out first hand.* I hope that you find that you are in a better place today than that of a year ago. Be it mentally, emotionally, financially etc. And congratulate yourself for having the balls to speak what is on your mind! You have a way with words that I could only wish to one day achieve. ROCK ON! and keep writing! :D

    Comment on 4/17/2005 @ 1:08 am

  21. Tracy wrote,

    Even when we loose things we wanted in our life so much at the time, sometimes loosing those things gives room in our lives for things that make us happier in the long term. I know for a fact this happened to you. And the gifts of blessings you give yourself will continue. I do see you as a mother of two very soon. It just seems right for who you are now. You make me smile so much. And so often, reading here. Would it be corny if I said I was very proud of you? Screw it. Corny or not, I am proud of you!

    You rock, SJ!

    Comment on 4/17/2005 @ 2:53 am

  22. Di wrote,

    Hey, you got fired on April 16th and I got married. Two life changing events. I’m glad you came out better for it on the other side. Now you have a more important job anyway, you’re someone’s mommy. :)

    Comment on 4/17/2005 @ 1:12 pm

  23. Shylah wrote,

    Wow, it’s hard to believe I’ve been reading you for more than a year now. I remember keeping vigil when you were in the hospital having Miss E.. I even dreamed about it when I finally resigned and went to bed.

    Things are so different now than they were then, but I really appreciate how you’ve remained genuine through it all. Here’s to another year. =)

    Comment on 4/17/2005 @ 4:31 pm

  24. zey wrote,

    I was directed here by your comment at CBB. Very intriguing whats going on over there. More interesting is this story of yours that I just read. I came thisclose to getting fired because of my original blog. I had printed/published the name of a fat guy in my office in a post I did and he found out about it. He promptly sent the post (which I had deleted by then) to my boss. My boss laughed at the post because it was written rather cleverly but in the end, told me it was a no-no. So I do still blog from work, but I don’t blog about the people at work. Lesson learned.

    Comment on 4/18/2005 @ 3:08 pm

  25. Kalena Mango wrote,

    Although I’m sure it didn’t feel like a good thing at the time to be fired, I truly believe that every life development is an opportunity — even if an unwelcome one. So — I genuinely want to say CONGRATULATIONS on your one-year anniversary — I know you are on to bigger and better. And your public is with you for the journey. :)

    Comment on 4/19/2005 @ 11:09 am

  26. tanya wrote,

    I’ve been reading your blog for some time now, and enjoy the way you tell it like it is. I’d buy your book in a second. I was fired and got very depressed. It is sad what careers and jobs can do to a person. I’m healing and I find you an inspiration. Oh, and what happened to you is called ‘being dooced’. Sadly it happens everywhere.

    Comment on 4/19/2005 @ 11:19 pm

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