27 Pee Tests at a Typewriter Can’t be Wrong!

I remember hearing from women who would go on and on about how much they “loved being pregnant!” They’d sit there, a far off look in their eyes as they thought about expanding bellies and dark nipples.

I didn’t exactly consider myself to be a “good” pregnant person. Sure, there were plenty of outside influences on my pregnancy that made it less than ideal. Overall, I didn’t lay around, rubbing my belly, saying “I could be like this forever.” Instead I counted down the weeks until it was over and done with.

Obviously, nine months later, my body still remembers that.

Since other people were capable of getting knocked up for the second time, I assumed it would happen to me as well. I went to the doctor today and I have come to a conclusion.

My vagina is angry.

I go in with a list of items to discuss with my doctor. I didn’t need a pap. I just needed someone to tell me what is up. Before I get to the items, I must discuss my wait. I get there early. They are running behind. Oh, goody! I’m so glad I brought the baby with me. Let me give you Moms to Be a Bit of Advice: Naptime is not the best time to schedule a doctor’s appointment.

These women next to me start going on and on about how their mothers didn’t love their grandkids (these womens kids) as much as they loved their siblings’ children and how wrong it was blah blah blah. Both of these women were wearing capri pants, had red painted toenails and toe rings. I think they were meant to be together.

It turns out that having a horse is The newest thing to do in The Whitelands Area. If you don’t have multiple horses for little Morgan or Kylee, well you just don’t know what is up. Get out of this gynecologist’s office because this is the gyno for horse lovers!

Then the kid behind me barfs all over the floor. The room smelled of small child vomit. The nurse at the desk looks at me with a face that said “what is going on?” I, being the good patient that I was, nodded backwards and made a vomiting face.

Okay, so another lady is in there and she’s all admiring The Baby and is all “I want a girl!” She’s pregnant and tells me she is there for the transvaginal ultrasound. She’s worried about having a dildo-shaped devide shoved up the ol’ cooch.

I tell her its no biggy, though they should at least buy you dinner beforehand.

We FINALLY get ushered back into the exam room and by this point, NapTime is in full bloom and my little one is punishing me. I start trying to entertain her by pulling my hospital gown into funny shapes.

I pull it back, exposing my boobies (that I pushed up) and said in a very sexy voice “I’m Jennifer Lopez.”

She didn’t get it. Anyway, the doctor decides to come in at the very moment I’m mixing a bottle for Miss E. My tits are all hanging out, my child is screaming and I’m playing Formula Chef.

So, doctor’s visit. I haven’t had a period since October 2003. Now everyone gasp in horror. No period for me! I weaned the baby two months ago! I never exclusively boob fed her! I’m a freaking mutant!

The doctor feels my boobie and says the only thing they can do now is send me to a surgeon and get the shit taken care of. She gives me a number. I don’t know how I feel about this.

Now my vagina is very angry at me so she did blood tests to check my thyroid and my prolactin levels. Maybe I’ll hear back by Monday. GREAT! Not like it freaking matters as my body hates me and it doesn’t matter and did I say it doesn’t matter?

There goes my chance of having a December baby.

You people may or may not know how much I despise blood tests. Does the word “phobia” mean anything to you people?

So, I’ve smelled vomit, been told to go to a surgeon, been told my body is just Funky and now they want to draw blood. As an afterthought, I ask if they can throw in a baby test just for fun you know, to keep things real.

It doesn’t matter that I have taken 2,759 baby tests. It doesn’t matter that I’m not pregnant. It doesn’t matter that those damn things cost so much money now that I’m buying them from the Dollar Store and you haven’t felt poor until you walked into the Dollar Tree with your BABY and bought more pregnancy tests.

After I leave, another crazy med prescrip in hand, the nurse yells out to me.

“Oh! Your specimen? It was NEGATIVE!”

Like I’m happy about that or something.

22 Responses to “27 Pee Tests at a Typewriter Can’t be Wrong!”

  1. Kristin
    April 14th, 2005 13:08

    I’m feeling you on the pregnancy tests. I used to buy them in bulk from an online company; it was a helluva lot cheaper. Funny thing is I bought all these tests and took them constantly WHILE I WAS ON BIRTH CONTROL. Now that I haven’t been on bc pills for 17 months and we actually WANT a baby, I haven’t taken a test in months. Hmmm, maybe it was that whole “you don’t ovulate” thing the doctor said. I hate the doctor. :(

  2. Antonia
    April 14th, 2005 13:10

    Bummer, dude. Maybe next month. JM’s birthday is January 31st, and it’s been good so far (well, that once). As a matter of fact, he just told me he’d love to share it, especially if she’s pretty.

  3. Kristin
    April 14th, 2005 13:14

    Well, I tried to post a comment about how I used to buy pregnancy tests in bulk from an online site, but it disappeared. :( I hate when that happens. Anyway, my periods are all out of whack, too.

  4. michaela
    April 14th, 2005 13:17

    stupid pregnancy tests. the convenience of being able to take them whenever i want has cost me more money than i’m willing to admit - hooray for the dollar store! good luck!

  5. wdc
    April 14th, 2005 13:28

    When I saw all those vials they wanted to fill with MY blood at my 1st pg dr’s appt. I almost threw up. I just looked the other way but the lady kept talking to me. I was like “What the fuck? Shut up, you are already draining my left arm of all fluid, just shut up. I’ll be lucky if my arm doesn’t shrivel up after this” But she kept talking. I hate that whole blood testing thing. It’s overrated.

    Try this: http://www.testsforless.com/

  6. wdc
    April 14th, 2005 13:28

    When I saw all those vials they wanted to fill with MY blood at my 1st pg dr’s appt. I almost threw up. I just looked the other way and they lady kept talking to me. I was like “What the fuck? Shut up, you are already draining my right arm of all fluid, just shut up. I’ll be lucky if my arm doesn’t shrivel up after this” But she kept talking. I hate that whole blood testing thing. It’s overrated.

    Try this: http://www.testsforless.com/

  7. Susie Sunshine
    April 14th, 2005 14:14

    I didn’t have a period for an entire year after I finished weaning.
    My hormones were entirely out of wack. Have they checked this out on you?

  8. shaunacat
    April 14th, 2005 14:15

    Hopefully they will figure out what the deal is with your blood tests and then you can get back on the preggie bandwagon with me. :o ) Good Luck!

  9. halloweenlover
    April 14th, 2005 14:18

    Yuck. I am with you on the blood test thing, I TOTALLY have a phobia. I already told you that last time I sobbed when I left the doctor’s office after a blood test. Poor sj.

    What would the surgery be for? To take out the boobie cyst? Seems unnecessary, no? Shame that Ellie didn’t get the J-lo reference. I cracked up.

  10. Susie Sunshine
    April 14th, 2005 14:20

    Your brain shrinks 1/4 of it’s size when you are pregnant.
    I’ve had 4 full-term pregnancies, so that means you have to excuse me when I ask about something that you’re already covered. My brain IS GONE.

  11. Corrie
    April 14th, 2005 14:29

    I feel your pain…I have been peeing on expensive sticks since NOVEMBER. NOVEMBER! Do you know how much money I have wasted? I am two steps from going to the doctor’s, but you told me to get drunk and have sex like a teenager. I think my vagina is PISSED off, not angry. Remember when Charlotte’s vagina was depressed on Sex in the City?

  12. Priscilla
    April 14th, 2005 15:44

    Okay, I will be the one everyone hates….I have been spending so much money on pregnancy tests over the years, but I always hope it’s negative. I would take one every month for over a year because I was so paranoid that I was preggers. Did I mention that my kids are ten months apart…I’m not ready for more kids just yet!! And I have bought prego tests at the Dollar Tree too!

  13. Suzanne
    April 14th, 2005 16:34

    When I was in college I never got my period. I think I went 10 months or something once and then the folks at the clinic were all freaked out and had me to a bunch of blood work too (which wasn’t covered by insurance! but that’s another story). Then the only way I would get a period is if they gave me progesterone pills. They told me that there weren’t sure if I was able to have kids, etc., but I got pregnant the first month we tried. We haven’t braved that path again just yet, but it’s hard when everyone around you is getting knocked up.

  14. Jen
    April 14th, 2005 17:10

    Dollar Tree preggo tests. Been there, done that. One time I went to buy a test for my sister. I had my two girls and her two boys with me. People were giving me the evil eye. It took 10 months of trying for us to get preggo with Kate so I feel you on that one. Good luck with the surgeon. :-)

  15. Tammy
    April 14th, 2005 17:15

    I hope the next pee stick has good news for you. In the meantime, tell your vagina to get over it, and bonk like bunnies. Or puppies. Whatever works for you, I guess…

  16. Rbelle
    April 14th, 2005 17:48

    How about having your kid puke on himself and having to take him sans shirt into Dollar General to buy a new one because you forgot to pack an extra? If that doesn’t scream Southern Belle, I don’t know what does!

  17. annie
    April 14th, 2005 20:47

    I bought my last HPT at the dollar store,too. Those fuckers get expensive!

  18. Autumn
    April 14th, 2005 22:49

    You’ll get your second baby when you aren’t thinking about it. Just like you got your first one. *hugs* It’ll happen. And doctors suck. At times.

  19. robyn
    April 15th, 2005 07:05

    Might I suggest a nice vacation to Georgia? We’re 2 for 2 there now. I swear he’s not getting me back to that state ’til menopause! ;-) Good luck — sounds like things have been much too rough for you lately!

  20. Tracy
    April 15th, 2005 09:51

    Not sure if this will help ya. Have you tried the conception testing instead? See when it’s best to try so you can get more action in on those days? Just an idea. I think that one of the coolest things about having another here soon will be that Hannah will have a playmate to … torture (most likely) errr play with, yeah, that’s it! =)

    As hard as it will be with Ellie under your fet all the time when you do get pregnant next time, make time for yourself and the new soon to be addition to bond before the arrival. I didn’t get that much time to do that and it’s really bothered me this last month.

    All will go well! And by the time you do have another, Ellie just might be the perfect age to help out with the small things. Make her feel special and less threatned by the new arrival of her sister or brother. At least, that’s what I’m hoping will happen with Hannah. Bigest scare is that they won’t get along. We will see. *crosses fingers* Cheering for you at this household!

  21. Kristin
    April 15th, 2005 11:30

    Eeeek, needles are the devil.

  22. butterstar
    April 15th, 2005 21:32

    I didn’t get my period until 3-4 months after I quit breastfeeding completely with baby #1. My hormones were wacky that way, and just needed to settle down. The best sign you’re gonna get that you’re ready for more baby bizness is when you finally get that post-pregnancy bleed (I got it right away after my #2, blech). But tests are always a good thing just in case your hormones need a good talking to. Didn’t know I was a mutant, though I probably shoulda guessed.

    I dunno about that doc saying you should get surgery tho. That souds wack to me. Good luck, at any rate.

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