Dr. Quack

If it loos like a duck, quacks like a duck and says “hello my name is Duck,” it is safe to say it is actually a monkey.

SJ goes to a chiropractor, hilarity does not ensue.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. You know, my child was crying or whining or looking cute, things that kids do, and I leaned down to pick the little bugger up. At that moment, I realized not all was “right” in my right shoulder.

I had pain. All over. Damn it all to h e double hockeysticks, I pinched a freakin’ nerve.

So I do what I’ve always done with a pinched nerve. I call a chiro. Only problem is that every time I’ve pinched a nerve, I lived in a different city so I’ve had to get a different doc. I call one today and they say they can fit me in.

I go in and tell her about my problems. The pain. The wincing. I ignore the fact that there are little doggies running around the office. I ignore the fact that the office smells like pickles.

I overlook the ugly decorations for the sake of my back.

She tells me to get nekked and to put on this gown. Good. We’re getting down to business. We take some x-rays. Okay. Let’s diagnose the problem!

She tells me to take a seat in the “magic chair” while she looks at the x-rays. I sit in one of those massage chairs with a doggie in my lap while a video about chiropratic care plays. I’m pumped. I’m ready to get adjusted! Adjust me, bitches!

I ignore the fact that the “massaging chair” makes my braless boobies bounce a little too much. I’m feeling a little violated at this point because there must be a hidden camera SOMEWHERE. I mean, seriously, my boobies are a bouncin’.

Any minute now, she’s going to make the problems disappear.

Then she comes in, says the x-ray looks normal but she has to “draw the lines” on the x-ray. It will take time, she says, and I’ll need to come back.

Wait. What?

So I go get dressed, all in pain, and I think to myself that sure she’s going to do a sympathy adjust after I’m dressed. Wrong. I come out and she’s putting the dogs in their cage. I give her an expectant look that says “help help help.”

She ushers me to the front to make my appointment. I’m in shock. They tell me to come back MONDAY.

So let me see: Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, MONDAY? My back won’t be HURTING by then. They draw a smiley face on my appointment card. I feel the need to check my pants to make sure I didn’t shit them.

I paid $20 to use a massage chair for a few minutes. I want a refund.

19 Responses to “Dr. Quack”

  1. Bari
    April 13th, 2005 18:54

    My sister was married three years ago. The morning of her wedding all was well until I bounded down my parents’ steps to answer the front door. From that point on, I was flat on my back. My back gave out. I had a cousin give me Oxycontin at the wedding and it didn’t do a thing…except that I don’t remember much from the wedding. I had physical therapy for two months after. My back really hasn’t been the same since. I get stiff sitting for any length of time and standing up in my classroom is brutal. I have friends that swear by a chiropractor. It scares the shit out of me. Friends say that I will be cured, but the thought of hearing my neck snap is enough of a deterent. ::shudder::

    Back pain sucks….I feel for you!

  2. MollieBee
    April 13th, 2005 19:23

    Oh man, that is fucked up…find another chiropractor, stat!

  3. Antonia
    April 13th, 2005 19:39

    That does suck. But use it to your advantage. To do as little as possible.

    Bari, your cousin happened to be carrying some oxycontin? That’s some heavy stuff.

  4. Sarcomical
    April 13th, 2005 20:35

    that has happened to me. that’s why from now on i will skip the chiropractor and will run not walk STRAIGHT for a massage.

  5. Annie
    April 13th, 2005 20:45

    Thats shitty, I’m sorry. Maybe your boobies won’t have to bounce on Monday.

  6. Tish
    April 13th, 2005 21:32

    And that’s why we PT’s tell you to come to us. There are some good Chiro’s out there, but you would have had a treatment if you would have seen one of us. Have you tried heat and ice? Always end in ice if you do. There’s a consult and you didn’t even have to get ‘nekkid’.

  7. chris
    April 13th, 2005 22:15

    pain bites the big one, and anyone who makes light of yours is not anyone you want to hang with! i vote for the PT every time. hang in there!

  8. jenB
    April 13th, 2005 23:07

    i am also very pro physical therapy. chiropractors = quackery, there i said it.

  9. caitlin
    April 13th, 2005 23:20

    SJ goes to a chiropractor, hilarity does not ensue.

    DUDE, do you read the Tucker Max Stories? Have you read, “Tucker tries buttsex; hilarity does not ensue”? BECAUSE GOD, I really think you’d appreciate that sort of humour.

  10. Barefootgoddess
    April 14th, 2005 07:34

    I’m sorry you had a crappy chiro. I love, Love, LOVE mine. I told him I was going to marry him. The fact that we both already married, with children is incidental. We have “dates” at least once a mth. He even gave me his “special” number in case of “emergencies”. Yeah, he says he does that for everyone, but I know that’s just his cover so his wife doesn’t catch on.
    Seriously,find another chiro whose office doesn’t resemble a vets office.

  11. Wendi
    April 14th, 2005 07:54

    I agree….forget going back…find someone else…cause that place sounds terrible!

  12. Autumn
    April 14th, 2005 09:17


    Sorry about your nerve. Chiro pain is the shits.

  13. debutaunt
    April 14th, 2005 09:27

    Hang in there. Vicodan and I are very good friends thanks to 2 herniated discs. What a bizarro chiropracter.

  14. Laura
    April 14th, 2005 09:45

    At least it was only $20. Fuck.

    Call your GP, get some drugs…maybe not Oxicontin, but something for pain. Muscle relaxants are nice too…and get a sitter ’cause you’re gonna neep a NAP!!!

    Chiroquackers…that sucks. I’m pissed off FOR you.

  15. Erin
    April 14th, 2005 10:16

    that happened to me when Ben was two months old… it was some of the most horrible pain I have ever been in. (minus the time the epidural fell out during labor and the day my milk came in) I couldn’t move for an entire day… called my OB (she’s good for everything) and got some heavy duty pain meds… took about 12 hot showers and laid on a heating pad. It took twelve hours, but finally went away. Now I try to switch off my “Ben hip” every once in awhile… and pop two motrin when I start to feel the tell-tale pinching feeling that seems to be the precursor to the pain from hell…

  16. Terri
    April 14th, 2005 11:36

    Chiro’s scare the bejeebers out of me so you will never see me at one…but being violated by a massage chair…now that sounds like a good time!

  17. SuzanH
    April 14th, 2005 11:47

    Sorry to hear about your back pain. There is nothing worse.

    I took a class a number of years ago from my school’s med school called History of Medicine, and the thing I remember most clearly was the doctor who taught it nearly becoming enraged when using a chiropractor was mentioned. Quackery, chicanery, pain.

    I agree, use a PT or get a massage. I hear some of the masseuses have tables that vibrate. Or maybe that’s a different kind of massage?

  18. Lisa
    April 14th, 2005 20:08

    The chiropractor had DOGS running around the office… oh, that is just TOO bizarre!!! I once had a patient’s mom bring into the office with her her little tiny yappy dog. Brought it back to the exam room with her child like it was nothing. I was absolutely too floored to say anything!

  19. Barefootgoddess
    April 14th, 2005 20:26

    Not all Chiropractors are quacks.It makes it tough on the good ones when so many act like douchbags though.

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