Hi! Would you like to hear about my vagina’s day? Today, my vagina woke up and it sat on the potty. I wiped my vagina very nicely and then covered it up with some underwear. Later on, my vagina got a bath where I used blue bodywash and a loofa.

My vagina is very clean.

What? You don’t want to hear about my vagina? Then why are you so up in my vagina’s business?

Basically, to make a long story short, Target had a maternity tshirt that said “An epidural is in my near future.” Then some women got all mad because it is SOOOO irresponsible and bad and all of us who have epidurals are going to have mutant babies and we will DIE.

(Looks at baby who is not a mutant yet. Looks at self. Nope, not dead.)

So, let me get this straight. It is not cool to speak ill of someone’s religion, something that people base their morals and eternity on. Being gay? Don’t talk about that! Epidural? Something that a woman gets during a very painful and personal part of her life?

Crucify the bitch!

Let me put it to you this way: It is none of your business what I do with my vagina. I had an epidural and know what, I don’t feel bad about it. In fact, I can safely say that my epidural made the entire birthing experience so much better.

But, if you don’t want to have an epidural, I’m not going to go all crazy on you. Just like if you had sex before marriage, I’m not going to go and try to impose my beliefs on you. Now, I could go and list STDs or talk about how sex is emotional or how all these things could happen. But? I assume you are an adult and can make decisions on your own.

These are the same women who make people feel bad about feeding their babies formula. Sometimes people try to breastfeed but can’t. Some people just don’t want to. Know what? It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Just because you also have a vagina and boobs doesn’t mean you have the right to tell me what to do with mine.

You need to step back and take a long look at yourself to think about why you feel the need to put other women down. Why you don’t feel women are capable of making decisions on their own. I don’t think a tshirt is going to send a woman over to the “dark side” and make her get an epidural. Even if it does, it is none of your business.

So, why don’t you go and pay more attention to your vagina because it seems pretty obvious that you need a good lay.

37 Responses to “Twattalk”

  1. Crystal
    April 12th, 2005 14:03

    Another blogger, a natural birth advocate, posted about this. People felt the need to “defend” their choice to not use natural birth, and I think that’s stupid. I had a medically neccessary C-section, but I fully intend to NOT have a VBAC with my next child, because my C-section was a pleasant experience. You don’t like that? Well, fuck you, because no one said I **have** to do it your way. (Not you SJ, but the “critics”) I absolutely refuse to apologize for having a C-section, not breastfeeding for 1 year or longer, not using cloth diapers, letting my kids watch some TV, not using organic foods, and eating meat. That makes me a bad mom in your eyes? Oh, well… I think not being intimidated to stand up for my choices would make me a bad mom. Target totally missed the boat by pulling this shirt to pacify a few critics. It’s funny, but if someone else doesn’t think so, DON’T BUY IT!! Stupid mommy drive-bys!

  2. Tuesdayef
    April 12th, 2005 14:17

    I think some women just have too much time on their hands so they love to justify their life choices by making other Mom’s feel inferior. I hate it. It goes on all day every day.

  3. Ty
    April 12th, 2005 14:17

    I thought the t-shirt was very humorous. If I were pregnant I would buy it, whether I was getting an epidural or not. But since I am a guy and cannot get pregnant, I guess I don’t have to worry about it.

    There need to be more blog entries about clean, bathed, loofaed vaginas. Vaginas rule!

  4. Robotnik
    April 12th, 2005 14:21

    Loofa-ed axe wounds. Classic. Why do I come here? That’s why.

  5. Surfie
    April 12th, 2005 14:23

    It’s what my husband calls, “The Pussification of America.” He also refers to people like that as “sheeples.”

    I can’t help myself laughing at the so obvious pun…hardy-har.

  6. Erin
    April 12th, 2005 14:30

    I love it! Do they still have them? I want one for next time around! God bless that foot-long needle and the man who shoved it into my back!

  7. tabitha
    April 12th, 2005 14:39

    Agreed that the freedom people feel to attempt to impose their views about “the having of the children” is starting to make me feel as though “they” are crawling up into my vagina.

  8. debutaunt
    April 12th, 2005 14:52

    I just like being able to say stay out of my pussy.

    I had an epidural. It didn’t take. And it made for a really pleasant c-section.

    Today I actually bitched this chick out, telling her that she shouldn’t reproduce, for saying that she wanted drugs during birth. I then got my ass jumped.

    But I had to clarify. It had nothing to do with her wanting drugs, but more because she’s a fucking tool and she *just* shouldn’t reproduce.

  9. Ninotchka
    April 12th, 2005 14:55

    From someone who has done both (epidural with my first, doula-assisted non-medicated birth with my second) I say people just need to LIGHTEN UP. It’s a shirt for God’s sake! Anyone who makes their birthing decisions from a shirt at Target seriously has something wrong with them anyway. GEEZ PEOPLE.

  10. Lizard Queen
    April 12th, 2005 15:40

    Ok…all I can say is I went all natural with my daughter, and with my son, they gave me petocin (or however you spell that evil drug) and because of that I demanded drugs!!! but not an epidural because I’m a big old chicken who don’t like people to mess with my spine, thank you very much. BUT, who the hell is anyone else to say who does what with their bodies?? I remember my American Govt. teacher telling us that our rights end where the next person’s nose begins…so get your nose out of my rights…I have a Women’s Studies Class this semester and the amount of whining that goes on in there makes me insane, one person was whining about c-sections, saying that Dr’s abuse them because they don’t want to wait to let nature to take it’s course, it’s too time consuming for them and that C-sections shouldn’t be used unless absolutely necessary and that the Dr. can prove that it was necessary…I looked at the girl and said…How much do you know about health insurance? … she stared at me blankly…I told her, do you think health insurance companies don’t question every procedure?? well they do…and so there goes your theory, maybe it’s because we have better monitoring now and know if a baby is in distress earlier so that’s the reason for the increase…again deer in the headlight’s stare….I’ll be glad in 2 weeks when I’m outta there…

  11. jenB
    April 12th, 2005 15:40

    everyone needs a good bonking, to quote dooce :-)
    i admit i don’t like the shirt, but i wouldn’t have written a letter. there are lots of things that I find offensive, but i ain’t the morality police baby! :-)

  12. Jessica
    April 12th, 2005 15:46

    I had an intrathecal (lightweight epidural because my hospital didn’t give epidurals) and I don’t regret it. My labor was induced and it hurt like a motherfucker. My only regret is that it didn’t last through delivery.

    As for breastfeeding, I did it for two months and my boobs gave out. So yeah, people bitching about drugs being bad and breastfeeding being good and you should do it their way need to SHUT UP. My kiddo is perfectly healthy, if somewhat weird. But he gets that from his mama. :-D

  13. anonymous
    April 12th, 2005 15:55

    I think that the objection to the shirt is legitimate. Do I think it should be pulled off the shelf? Well, no. If you don’t like it don’t buy it, but I can understand why some people see it as objectionable. That doesn’t mean I think I am better than anyone or that I would tell anyone how to give birth. In fact, I had an epidural with my daughter (I thought I wouldn’t have one, but I ended up begging for it). However, an epidural is a major intervention that can lead to other interventions. It can have serious side effects, and it should not be taken lightly. I think that is where is objection stems from, taking a serious medical procedure and treating it as a given that it will happen. I think that the group that is objecting about the shirt is not arguing that women who don’t have epidurals are superior in any way, but rather, I think they are saying that endorsing the idea that an epidural is an inevitable part of childbirth encourages women to be less informed about the process, and knowledge is power. Anyway, that’s my take on it.

  14. chris
    April 12th, 2005 16:03

    if someone had told you 10 years ago that this would be the subject of a ‘political debate,’ you would have asked them what they were smoking.
    some things are not meant be negotiated by the entire public, those things are called “personal.”

  15. Tammy
    April 12th, 2005 16:13

    Seriously? Some people have too much free time. Of all the things to write letters about, a t-shirt message just isn’t top of the list for me.

  16. Y
    April 12th, 2005 16:14

    I’m going to make a shirt with a box of laxatives on it that says “A runny shit is in my near future”

    And then I want you to write a post about how totally irresponisble it is of me to advertise laxatives because, shouldn’t we just let nature take it’s course? The shit will exit the body when the body is good and ready for the shit to come out! HOW DARE I EAT POISON TO MAKE IT COME OUT!

    I also want to make a shirt that says “GET A SENSE OF HUMOR OR SHUT THE HELL UP”

    I am kind of pissed at Target for pulling it because a bunch of holier than thou vagina police started whining.


  17. Sarcastic Journalist
    April 12th, 2005 16:14

    Okay, let’s say that I have a flat chest. I put on a tshirt that says “A boob job is in my near future.” Now, that is major surgery. It requires getting “put under” and then there’s the whole altering your body concept. I doubt it would be as hot a topic as this one.

    It is the mother’s job to decide what she wants. Medication? Assistance? A clown with a bunch of balloons??

    Again, I think the shirt is funny. It is all in jest. If someone decides to get a needle put in their spine after heading to Target, well, perhaps these people shouldn’t be having babies. They need to know what they want and what they believe in, needles or not.

  18. Sara
    April 12th, 2005 16:56

    I think there are a few problems here.

    First — I can’t believe how many “women’s issues” that should be private decisions have become political fodder. It’s disgusting — especially the bullshit with pharmacists choosing not to fill birth control prescriptions because they are “morally opposed”. WTF?

    I saw the shirt in question at Target and thought it was funny, really. And aren’t there bigger issues to worry about right now?

    What I think is truly sad is the fact that women are apologizing to other women for the choices they make. There are women I know and love who wouldn’t have made it through birth without pain relief (and it’s not like the drugs make it “easy” anyway, right?). I think it is unfortunate that women who choose not to breastfeed or use cloth diapers are berated by those who do.
    BUT I also think it’s important to acknowledge that quality information about pregnancy and childbirth is not out there for everyone. Most women make their choices based on a lot of research and personal preference. I think, though, the point of the linked article is that many women don’t understand the risks attached to epidurals and other interventions. Health care workers don’t necessarily have the time they need in our HMO society to educate women who haven’t educated themselves…so folks get concerned when serious medical issues are taken lightly. But like you said SJ, if people are making their decisions based on a t-shirt, what can you do?

    Hopefully this makes sense and I haven’t offended anyone further — I just think there’s a larger issue here. I didn’t have an epidural, but I would never tell my sister she shouldn’t or tell her she’s damaging her child by making this choice. We as mothers have too much to worry about once they’ve torn their way through, right?

    As always, love your site!

  19. Sarcastic Journalist
    April 12th, 2005 17:06

    Oh man! Sara, don’t get me started on that birth control “morally opposed” thing. ARGH!

  20. Bree
    April 12th, 2005 17:19

    OH no, could you imagine, if I requested one that said “c-section is in near future!” ohh the outrage! hahaha

  21. Badger
    April 12th, 2005 17:38

    Dude, all I know is that if I ever had a third child, which I so totally am NOT, I would get an epidural in about the fourth month of pregnancy and just have them keep topping that fucker off until the kid was, oh, maybe six months old. It sure would help with the sciatica and afterpains.

  22. Dr. Johnny Fever
    April 12th, 2005 17:48

    I’m having a vasectomy soon and you can bet your left ball I’m asking for an epidural. No one wearing rubber gloves and a scowl gets to handle my goodies without first anesthetizing me. ROCK ON, SARCASTIC J!

  23. J. Canuck
    April 12th, 2005 17:50

    Oh Amen, SJ! I’m getting so sick of people sticking their nose in what is inherently a private matter for a woman- that includes their choice for birth control, birthing methods and medications of any sort. Thank-you for saying it more eloquently than I ever could!

  24. Rbelle
    April 12th, 2005 18:51

    I am all about the epidural. Had one with babybeaux and it was fab. Best I felt in nine months. babybella on the otherhand came in this world after about a push and a half and twenty minutes of labor and so no epidural. Ow.

  25. Stacey
    April 12th, 2005 19:28


    Stupid Target. Unfortunately they got way too much press than they needed.

    If I want to get an epi, I should have the goddamn right to wear a tshirt about it.

    Infact, someone should remake them and sell them. Screw Target. They need to grow a pair of goddamn balls.

  26. Lisa
    April 12th, 2005 19:55

    Oh, I think that is a hilarious T-shirt and I so wish I had seen it when I was pregnant. I would have bought six so I had a clean one to wear every day. Then I would have worn it to work every day just to yank the chain of my “anti-epidural” nurse co-worker (whom I love and respect, despite our feeling differently on this issue).

  27. Antonia
    April 12th, 2005 19:59

    Well I was just fucked from the beginning. Somebody bought me the damn T-Shirt and I wore it, so I was obligated to get the epidural. I had no other choice.

  28. MollieBee
    April 12th, 2005 21:32

    Gives a whole new meaning to “been there, done that, got the T-shirt.”

  29. Laura
    April 12th, 2005 21:40

    If a certain religion or ethnic group wants a woman to labor in pain, as God intended, I’d personally like to invite the male members of said groups to a day of slamming their fingers in a car door over and over…because that’s what contractions feel like.

    Thank God I live in the 21st century. If God is at the root of all, then God invented the epidural. For that I say, thank you God! Thank you Jesus! Thank you Lord!!!

  30. NinaKaye
    April 13th, 2005 08:20

    I completely agree!

  31. Em
    April 13th, 2005 08:38

    Oh my God, SJ, you got an epidural in your vagina. That’s really not where they’re supposed to go.

    For the record, despite the love and care it already gets, my giney could also use a good lay (in case my husband is reading).

  32. Texas T-bone
    April 13th, 2005 09:12

    It would be better if Target sold a shirt for men that says, “There’s a vasectomy in my future” or “I’ve changed diapers, too, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt and a whiff of crap.” I wouldn’t buy either one, but they’d crack me up.

    There does seem to be a lot of self-righteousness when it comes to having or raising kids. But as long as our children are happy, healthy and loved, it’s nobody’s business but ours the decisions we make. My wife had a medically-demanded C-section after hours of petocin and an epidural (which is more about the spine than vagina). If there’s a next time, the C-section will be easier because we had the doc put in a zipper. ;-)

  33. Tracy
    April 13th, 2005 10:15

    I have to agree. Too much time on their hnds and too much anger in their hearts towards others who are even a little different then their selves.

    I had one shot of a pain killer when they broke my water with Hannah. By the time I was in full labor, it had worn off. During labor, I let out this huge low toned but very traveling scream. You know, to let out the tentsion and pain. Then some damn nurse in there says in some fashion, “You are going to scare all the other pregnant women in the wing! Try to focous!” I think I about came off that bed to look for the voice that said that to me.

    Now, with that one comment that nurse or whoever it was made, my doctor after the delivery took her outside (she told me about it after I got out of the hospital) of the room and went total bitch on her ass. Said it wasn’t my theat she wasn’t used to dealing with a woman doing natural childbirth and going thru the worst of it with no pain killers. After she said a few other things to this lady, she came back in as professional as she could and talked to me to make sure I was ok and wasn’t upset over the comment. Knowing I was at the time.

    So, I have thought to myself with only so little time left before I have our second girl, should I have one? I thought it out long and hard. Decided to take the chance in not having one. Because I want to get the chance to torment that one nurse again and see how she reacts this time when I scream several times just to spite that non-feeling “should have worn earplugs” bitch they have there. ;)

    Ahhh, all the pain would be worth it to see her fly off the handle again and then watch my doctor again, bitch her out. Told my doc to please, PLEASE smack her with verbal bliss infront of me next time. I deserve it! ;)

    Other then that one reason, I would have gone for the epi. With the high chance that Hannah may be in the room with us during this labor (family so far away might not make it to hospital before labor begins and such) I wouldn’t want her totaly going nuts in there while mommy pushes out a 7+ pound baby oput of her love hole. *cackles*

    Should make another T-shirt and put on it epidural is bliss! Cause I know I’d be dreaming of one when I go in here within the next week or two.

  34. honey bunny
    April 13th, 2005 10:42

    oh man, that burns me up! i hate it when women who are pregnant or have a child feel that they have the right to tell YOU what’s right or wrong with your parenting choices. and many, many, MANY women tell me that i should not be able to defend women who choose NOT to breastfeed because i’m childfree. so? just because i do not have a child and no not WANT to have a child does not give you the right to tell me I can’t DEFEND other women. i mean, how hypocritical is that? i defend women who make their own choices when it comes to parenting/having a family, but the militant moms out there who have had a kid or two tell me i have no right.

    fuck all of them, SJ! they feel the need to get outraged about breastfeeding or epidurals because they have absolutely nothing better to do. i’m sure of it.

    this topic makes me so mad. can’t you tell?

  35. Terri
    April 13th, 2005 11:35

    “seems pretty obvious that you need a good lay. ” Don’t we all?

    Seriously though, people today seem to think they can give their opinion about anything and apparently we are supposed to listen to them. If my children are loved, happy, and in no danger…all those opinionated PITA’s can kiss mine.

  36. Di
    April 14th, 2005 09:49

    Amen, girl.

  37. butterstar
    April 15th, 2005 21:10

    oooh oooh oooh this topic pisses me off! What is WITH some people? Target definitely needs to grow some. You got it goin; on, SJ.

    When I had my first baby, I had this super bitch nurse who told me “if I breathed right, it wouldn’t hurt” !!! (I was induced, and they cranked that pitocin waaay up.) So I told her, I can’t breathe like that b/c I have asthma, (and passing out from closed-up bronchial tubes was probably not a good idea at the time), ignoring the fact that that was an idiotic statement to make anyway. I also told her I wanted an epidural. RIGHT. THEN. (Actually, I shouted it…I tried to do it without…ohhh god, never again) I was so glad when her shift ended and I got the super-nice nurse.

    When I had #2, I opted for the epi early. They effed it up and ended up making my feet completely numb while I could still feel EVERY CONTRACTION. Asses. They came back and redid it, but nicked me a little. I have had epidural headaches as recently as just a few months ago, and my daughter is 4 yrs now. But ya know what? I’d SO totally do it again. It was worth it.

    And my bitch of a doc tried to force a C-section on me for #2, b/c I wasn’t “progressing as fast as she liked”. Wha? I had only been there a handful of hours, and only on the pitocin for a short time (I was induced for that one, too–which is also evil, I suppose, never mind the kids didn’t want to come out). She was a whore. An hour later, the baby popped out. I don’t at all knock people who have C-sections for medical reasons or who have repeat ones b/c that makes life easier. Making life easier is always good, especially when you’re gonna be a new mom. But some docs DO try to make you have one when you don’t really need one b/c of their schedule (it was getting late in the day). Bitch. Even my mom, who’s been a NICU and sometimes L&D nurse for THIRTY YEARS, didn’t know wtf was up with the cunt doc on that one.

    I do wish they’d considered a C-section for my first daughter, who was in more distress during the birth than I realized at the time, not knowing as much about the kind of problem she had, despite all the reading and research I’d done. The lack of oxygen might have contributed to her developmental disorders. They were dumbasses (different doc, different hospital). Nice dumbasses, but still dumbasses.

    Lots of things can and do go wrong. The whole epidural t-shrit is a joke, ya know, laugh, it’s funny? People need to lighten up. AND, only people who KNOW what an epidural is (and likely have needed one in the past) would really understand the shirt, anyway. If someone doesn’t know what one is, the shirt won’t even register with them, and if someone already does know what one is, they likely already have an opinion about it. duh.

    An interesting fact: a couple of years ago, they discovered that some poeple have good genes for pain management, some people have bad, and some people have somewhere in the middle (depending on which ones you got from each parent). So while some people (like my MIL) can say “oh it doesn’t hurt at all! You thought it hurt??” (and this is referring to gall bladder attacks as well as labor), other people can really need that medication (other people being me). Just like how some people can break a bone and not know it, while other people can have a minor injury and have to take massive drugs to feel better. This is a good fact to know and keep on file for those times when you need to pop a hole in the argument from anyone who thinks his or her experience is global (again, my MIL).

    And any religious nutsos who say childbirth should be natural b/c that’s the way god intended it, I hope they aren’t using any of today’s modern conveniences or other types of medicine either. Because it falls under the same rule, and I’d really like to see their numbers dwindle. Especially when they can’t cure the syphillis infection they got from boinking au natural with the prostitues down in sinville. Hypocrites.

    Sorry, I’m cranky today. Thanks for letting me use up valuable comment space for ranting!

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