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Fecal Matters

When it comes to beauty, there’s just some things a guy can’t understand. The Hubs, for example, totally freaks out when I use conditioner if my shaving cream runs out. How dare I put something that belongs on the hair on my head on the hair on my legs?

Oh my gosh! Someone alert the village elders!

I did something this week, something I read about in one of those beauty magazines that I shouldn’t admit I read but I do. I had a “boo boo” on my cheek. A big, red booboo that just sat there, laughing at me. I woke up, went into the hall closet, pulled out the Preparation H and brought it into the bathroom.

I pulled out a Q-Tip and put it right on the “blemish.”

Hi, my name is The Sarcastic Journalist and I put Prep H on zits. Don’t tell anyone, mmkay?

Speaking of bums, I’ll tell you a little ditty about The Hubs and his bum.

Two or three days before we got married (which, by the way, he has totally forgotten on what day we married!) he had a “bachelor party” with a few of his buddies. He was gone all night, hanging out in hot tubs and getting drunk.

I sat around that night, bored off my I’m about to get married and move away ass. Sure, I could have packed, but that was no fun. Instead, I sat around and freaked.

So, eventually, he comes home. We lived in the same apartment complex and I would sneak around corners and give him and his friends looks. When they’d look at me, I’d run away. Being the stupid drunk guy that he was, he didn’t come chasing after me.

Lesson one: Do not, I repeat, do not get drunk and then don’t chase after me when I’m spying on you and your friends.

So I barge into his apartment and ask where he is. His roommate says he is in his room. By this point, it is 2am and I am LIVID. You want to see pissed? You want to see upset and hurt and scared? Oh yeah, I was totally there. So I chew his roommates out and we get into a screaming fight.

Then I barge into his bathroom, where I find him naked and on the toilet. Being the stupid wife to be that I was, I start yelling at him.

I then pick up the towel rack bar off the wall and walk over to him. This is where I can’t believe what happened.

I started hitting him with it. My husband to be is shitting his guts out on the toilet and I’m smacking him with a towel rack. He’s extremely drunk, has stuff coming out of BOTH ENDS, I’m beating the crap out of him while yelling at him “What the fuck were you thinking? I was so worried about you! You could have been killed by a drunk driver and I was alone and BORED!”

He passes out on the floor, I go to sleep in his bed and a few days later, we get married. That, my friends, is LOVE.

24 Responses to “Fecal Matters”

  1. Corrie
    April 11th, 2005 20:25
    1

    Don’t with SJ, she is one mean mother….whew!

  2. Antonia
    April 11th, 2005 20:34
    2

    I never buy shaving cream. Shampoo, conditioner, soap, body wash. Whatever’s handy. They all work. They also get dirt out of clothes. Toothpaste works great on zits, and good for you for finding someone you can beat the living shit out of who will still marry you later.

  3. deleted
    April 11th, 2005 20:34
    3

    Your story reminds me of my fabulous drunken honeymoon in Cozumel. I’m surprised my husband didn’t file for a quickie Mexican divorce. I’d fill you in on the details, but I don’t remember any of the details.

  4. RedWonder
    April 11th, 2005 21:00
    4

    That’s awesome. I think you might be my hero.

  5. Kellie
    April 11th, 2005 21:12
    5

    Good Times!

  6. Nanc'
    April 11th, 2005 21:13
    6

    Good Lord…That was beautiful. I think I’m just a little misty! (sniff, sniff!)

  7. Nanc'
    April 11th, 2005 21:15
    7

    p.s. I tried the Prep. H on undereye circles/bags. I’d have to advise against that.

  8. Ty
    April 11th, 2005 21:54
    8

    That is love…

    Glad I don’t have Prep H to use on my face. If I did, would that make me a butt-face? :o )

  9. Crystal
    April 11th, 2005 22:25
    9

    That’s priceless! And your hubs is crazy, lots of people use conditioner to shave. It works just fine!

  10. wdc
    April 11th, 2005 22:43
    10

    The visual of you with the towel rack, beating him while he is trying to empty his body of evil toxins, is comical. I might be a little afraid of you now. Note to self, never piss SJ off. Ever.

  11. Lujza
    April 11th, 2005 23:55
    11

    ROFLMAO!!!!!! That was hilarious!!

  12. Heatheranne
    April 12th, 2005 06:11
    12

    Aw. That’s so romantic.

  13. Rachel
    April 12th, 2005 08:15
    13

    I can’t believe he actually married you- and still puts up with your crap!

  14. MollieBee
    April 12th, 2005 08:45
    14

    Wow, I thought I was psycho.

    :)

  15. Sarcastic Journalist
    April 12th, 2005 09:38
    15

    yeah rachel. pretty hard to believe he married me. luckily, he wanted to get laid so it worked to my advantage.

  16. Tracy
    April 12th, 2005 10:13
    16

    Great story. Sure hope if or when “Hubs” ( I call him that cause well… in Texas he is Hubs anyhow) decides to marry me, we can have a little “fight” too. Here’s hoping for leather straps on the bed for him and a nice 12 strand leather whip (preferably purple) for me! Oh and appitizers like strawberries dipped in chocolate! Oh yes, I still have that pic of your delicious creation picture of those in my mind from time to time. *smiles*

    He’d never go for the fight. But, it’s nice to think I’d be able to get out some agression after all this time waiting. ;)

  17. Milly
    April 12th, 2005 10:13
    17

    I always use conditioner to shave my legs when I run out of shaving cream. What’s the big deal? Hair is hair.

  18. Antonia
    April 12th, 2005 10:42
    18

    That Rachel is such a bitch. You should block her.

  19. NinaKaye
    April 12th, 2005 10:54
    19

    Haha…I didn’t beat up my husband before we were married, but I try really hard at least twice a week to do it now. He’s a lot bigger than me though…it sucks.

  20. Priscilla
    April 12th, 2005 11:00
    20

    I always use the conditioner for shaving, I like it more than the shaving cream! I’ve thought about using the Prep H for zits because I’ve heard it works, just never went out to buy any. As for beating up the hubs, I haven’t had a good laugh like that for awhile….thank you!!

  21. Terri
    April 12th, 2005 11:39
    21

    I put toothpaste on my zits. I walk around smelling all minty fresh with blue poka dots.

    You gusy are truly in LOVE!

  22. Mad
    April 12th, 2005 12:08
    22

    Hey, what kind of crappy bachelor’s party was it that he was home by 2 a.m. anyways?

    BTW, I hadn’t realized you were THE journalist who got axed for your blog. You’re famous!

  23. Robotnik
    April 12th, 2005 12:51
    23

    Mad props to you for beating your man whilst he was taking a shite. That’s the best time to jump someone.

  24. chris
    April 12th, 2005 16:08
    24

    oh please, please, send that it to a bridal magazine SOMEwhere! this is the kind of information the current crop of dewy-eyed princesses REALLY need! a classic!

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