Can’t leave it up

Okay. I’ve calmed down. I’ve napped. A funny thing happens when I write on here. I put it down and a few minutes later, I don’t remember what I wrote. I guess I’ll have to go back and see.

I think what is happening is mental and emotional, not physical. That means, I don’t feel the need to get a job though I can understand why someone would say that. I have been making efforts to get out and Play with and talk to people so that’s good. Doing stuff like that isn’t easy for me as I am a recluse. But I’ve enjoyed the friendships and I know they’re good to have.

Taking care of a little one can be very draining. You’re ALWAYS making decisions. Is she wet? Does she need to poop? Eat? Dance like a chicken? Nap? Is she tired? Sleep? Does she need to eat dinner? What to make for dinner? Dinner? Huh? WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO FOR DINNER????

The funny thing about all of this is that there are certain things I can’t write about on here. Plain and simple. Writing on here is what makes things better for me. I’ve thought about starting up a “secret” website, but my heart just isn’t into it. I always give up on paper journals. So, instead of writing what is worrying me, writing about what’s going on, I have to keep it bottled up. I touched on a little of it in my last entry about something that has been on my mind for awhile.

Hours of therapy have been spent on this one topic. Unfortunately, this topic isn’t going to go away. It will be there forever. I am not expecting for anyone to “come around.” Maybe someone would come around in your life, but that isn’t the way it will be for me. I am expecting the worst.

I’m sorry I can’t go into this any more than I have. I hate being cryptic, but some people (insert a line of words I’d like to use but can’t because blah blah blah). Let’s just say this is for the best.

OOh! I’ve got an idea. I’ll put up a paypal button so you can hire me a nanny, a massage therapist and a personal bartender! Then, you know, I’ll go do exciting things and this blog will become exciting again.

I’ll bring The Hubs, The Baby and The Nanny to Europe. We’ll be those crass Americans and wear t-shirts with American flags on them. I’ll wear socks with sandals and speak with a loud accent.

I’ll write about all of it, people. All of it. Nothing will be left unturned. So donate away!

15 Responses to “Can’t leave it up”

  1. Emily
    April 11th, 2005 16:48

    Can I be your Nanny? I’ve been dying to go to Europe!

  2. mushster
    April 11th, 2005 17:14

    It’s a pity this place doesn’t have privacy settings for each entry like Lj does but anyway …. cryptic’s fine and there’s no need to apologise for it (I’d be apologising 24/7 if that were the case) lol.

    Oh and when you ‘do’ Europe you just HAVE to put Hubs in a pair of too-short check pants with white socks - and take heaps of photos please ;)

  3. MollieBee
    April 11th, 2005 17:37

    Even the SarcasticQueen of Blogland is bound to have a suck day once in a while. It happens. On those days I just fake it till I make it.

  4. RisibleGirl
    April 11th, 2005 17:42

    Ya know… I DO have a secret blog. Lots of it has to do with a person in my life that has caused me problems since the day I was born. But there are other things in there too. It’s not available to the public and if someone did accidently come across it, there’s no way it could be linked to me.

    It’s OK that I don’t keep up with it, because I only use it when I need to. Knowing it’s there for me to pound out all the betrayal I”m feeling at the moment has really helped me.

    There are weeks that I write in it darned near every day, then I’ll go a couple of months without needing it. I’ve told my sister that it exists and I’ve told her that should I die (how MORBID!), I want her to find the link on my computer give this blog to the person that is the bottom of all of the betrayal. I dunno, it gives me just a bit of satisfaction that I’ll have the last word. ;)

    Maybe you should give it a whirl.

  5. Antonia
    April 11th, 2005 18:23

    Same here. The number one thing that causes me pain and problems can not be talked about, because of the consequences. So I write it into poems that no one understands (especially not the source), and post those. Doesn’t quite solve the problem, but let’s the pressure off my bottle for a while.

  6. wdc
    April 11th, 2005 18:24

    Writing always makes me feel better. But I often don’t want anyone I know to read what I write, it’s for me, not for anyone to comment on. Or to worry about. Just for me to get it out. So it’s private. A priviate blog like thing. Because writing with a pen for that long makes my hand hurt, and I type fast. And since I am lazy, typing is a much better way for me to go. And I have a lot to say.
    I say you put up a tip jar. Or at least an Amazon wish list, it can’t hurt to get random presents in the mail. And presents you want at that! I wonder how many sentences I can start with AND before getting annoying?

  7. Y
    April 11th, 2005 18:43

    If I was having a bad day and someone told me “Why don’t you get a job?” my first reaction would be to punch them in the vagina. You’re a nicer person than me, I guess. Then again, I have a tendancy to take things the wrong way.

    I also have a tendancy to pee while talking on the phone and it occurred to me today that I’ve haven’t done that yet whilst talking to you. I think I’ll call you tomorrow and bestow that glorious honor upon you.

  8. Robotnik
    April 11th, 2005 19:30

    Antonia, me too.

  9. Lisa
    April 11th, 2005 19:40

    I can totally relate to “Hours of therapy have been spent on this one topic. Unfortunately, this topic isn’t going to go away. It will be there forever. I am not expecting for anyone to ‘come around.’ ” Here’s my unsolicited advice… try to move on past it (easier said than done, I know) and focus your energy on the important people in your life (your hubby and beautiful daughter) … just be yourself and don’t waste your energy on idiots who won’t accept you for who you are!

  10. debutaunt
    April 11th, 2005 20:02

    I’m glad you feel a bit better.

    BTW, my feet still stink.

  11. deleted
    April 11th, 2005 20:20

    PLEASE don’t get a job. If you do, then I will feel obligated to get a job. Quite frankly, I’m not good at anything other than what I do…which is being a Mom. I think that’s pretty important. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks.

    I don’t know what to say about your mystery problem. Sometimes, problems hang around so long that you just get used to them and they don’t bother you as much anymore. Kind of like the wart on Aunt Jane’s nose.

  12. Kimberley
    April 12th, 2005 08:36

    It’s hard to not edit yourself. I try not to on a daily basis. I’ve also thought about going anonymous, but then I think of all the things I have to change/edit there, so I just end up telling off whomever anyway.

  13. NinaKaye
    April 12th, 2005 10:51

    I understand. (I had a longer comment, but then I re-read it and it kind of didn’t make any sense.)

  14. Seriously Steph.
    April 12th, 2005 13:16

    By all means, don’t apologize for expressing yourself on a crappy or hormonal day! Honestly, I read that and thought–man, HAVE I been there before.

    Since I had my second child about a year ago, I have had really weird and dramatic hormone surges that leave me feeling really depressed and sometimes sounding a bit fatalistic. I say all of that to tell you that we all have these days and it is good that you write about it and it makes you feel better to do so.

    So, no secret blogs, please! Part of why I read you is that you are brutally open and honest and that is refreshing and sometimes quite comforting when I relate to it. I hope I can be the same way as I get used to this blogging thing!

  15. Melissa
    April 12th, 2005 15:23

    Never apologize for the truth. When I read that, I thought, Wow! Finally, someone else who doesn’t want to pretend they live in Disneyland! You’re human and that’s ok. It’s refreshing and humble and really the only thing worth writing or reading. It’s good for you and us both, so we can all see that we’re not alone on bad/crazy days. Hang in there.

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