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The concerns of nobody

To Whom It May Concern:

I can’t even write this. I want to write it, to tell you how I feel. I keep changing tenses in my head, keep repeating things I want to say over and over. They don’t make sense. This is written to one hundred different people but I don’t feel like separating it.

I will just tell you and you can sort through my stream of thoughts and make sense of it that way.

I feel anxious. Would you like to come over so I can yell at you? I haven’t had an ourburst since yesterday. Isn’t that too long? Isn’t it time that I get grumpy and call you a “dumbass” because your cell phone isn’t working? Shouldn’t I give you the finger at Toys R Us because we disagree over a carseat? Maybe this time I can say “fuck you.”

I bet you didn’t know this, To Whom It May Concern, but I stay up at night, composing emails and blog posts to you in my head. Some of them say “screw you” and others say “fuck off.” I wonder if you read this, if you know what was going on here two weekends ago. Do you hate me so much that you didn’t think about calling about a cancer scare? I’m not going to make things good for you anymore. I’m not going to lie to people to make your relationships better. I’m not going to chase you down so I can be a part of your life. This is who I am now. This is who I’ve always been, you now know.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

To the baby: I’m sorry that I whine about doing things for you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m watching you play on the floor, happy as a clam as I fake smile at you. I’m happy for you. I love you. You know that. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Maybe I’ll go hire a nanny with all the money I don’t have. Then I can go and have “me time” and do nothing since I don’t have any money.

To my husband: I am sorry that I keep answering “looking for a gun” everytime you ask me what I’m doing. I need to come up with a better sarcastic answer that doesn’t joke about suicide.

I tell myself that a coffee or a diet cherry vanilla dr pepper will make things better. Too bad I’ve decided not to get out of my pajamas today. Hopefully we don’t need food. I suck at being a housewife anyway.

If you don’t hear from me, this is why. I don’t know what to say except that I’m just like this today. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be like THAT. What is that? I don’t know.

To people who are reading this: I’m sorry. It sucks. Go read about sex and poop. That’s funny. You can just ignore this and pretend it didn’t happen.

Your friend,
SJ

36 Responses to “The concerns of nobody”

  1. Crystal
    April 11th, 2005 11:52
    1

    SJ, while I don’t know what really goes on “behind” the blog for you, I know that there are days when I hate everyone and everything, and resent the whole world for just being. They pass, but for a few moments I want to pound my fists and stomp my feet and throw a tantrum of my own, because being everything to everyone sucks. If you need to sulk and be cranky for a bit, do it… we should all be allowed to have cranky, pissy, miserable days! Funny can wait for tomorrow!

  2. Jessica
    April 11th, 2005 12:01
    2

    I don’t fault you none for feeling like that because I know how it goes.

    Chin up and know that even though I don’t know you that well, I still care about you.

    {{HUGS}}

  3. Tuesdayef
    April 11th, 2005 12:08
    3

    I understand.

  4. AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch
    April 11th, 2005 12:09
    4

    I’m sorry too SJ. Are the happy pills not working? Sometimes I think my happy pills aren’t working either but then I secretly up the dose. Oh sweet Zoloft, my friend till the end.

    I wish we could be real life friends.

  5. Brandi
    April 11th, 2005 12:15
    5

    Hi SJ. I don’t take ‘happy pills,’ as I prefer not to use those kinds of things, but I very much feel the same way this post does, and it makes me feel better to know that someone as interesting and normal as you feel these things too. Thanks.

  6. Robotnik
    April 11th, 2005 12:23
    6

    These are the times when you hang on by the fingernails. And when it (you know…”it”) starts to lift a bit, you begin to claw yourself out of the hole.

    I know these times too well.

    Strength to you.

  7. Dad Gone Mad
    April 11th, 2005 12:24
    7

    Hang in there. We’re all behind you and so many of us have experienced the same things. I think this blog is a great outlet for the anxieties of parenthood and life in general. Thinking about you…

  8. Terri
    April 11th, 2005 12:30
    8

    Hey you. I have felt what you have wrote many a day Girlfriend. I have my kids, plus I babysit 3 more. Some days I ‘ve sat in the laundry room and cried. My hair not brushed, still wearing yesterdays socks. I had to go on my Happy Pills to be normal again. For the record, it didn’t work. But it did make me smile from time to time.

    Thanks for being so honest.

  9. debutaunt
    April 11th, 2005 12:46
    9

    Dear SJ,

    I’m sitting in my shitty little office today. It’s so small that, well, right now, I just took off my shoes and it smells really horrible in here.

    Because plastic shoes make your feet the funk. They’re cute, but today they are ahummin’.

    That’s all. I love you. And say fuck you once in a while. It really does feel good.

  10. Poppy
    April 11th, 2005 12:51
    10

    You just described the last few weeks of my life, minus the cancer scare.

    No advice to offer. No “oh, it’ll get better” pandering. Just, I know. I’ve been there, I am there, and I know that it sucks.

  11. Angie
    April 11th, 2005 12:53
    11

    SJ … perhaps it’s time to look for a job? And daycare for the baby?? Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are doing no one any good at staying home if your heart is just not in it. Maybe even just part-time.

    You obviously need a change … but blogging about it, thinking about it, etc is not the same as actually doing what is necessary to make that change. Sure you may not know exactly what you want, but at least by doing, you can eliminate what you don’t want to do.

    Or … start a book. Title it, “How to not go insane while being an at-home-mom” :)

  12. Texas T-bone
    April 11th, 2005 12:53
    12

    It’s doubtful that we’ll forget you wrote this. Sex and poop is nice, but I feel for your pain even more.

  13. Antonia
    April 11th, 2005 13:11
    13

    Dude, I’m exactly there and have been for well over a month. I just can’t snap out of it either. Constantly having to answer “what’s wrong?” with a wobbly fake smile that just makes you want to punch the wall and break down. And the vicious guilty cycle. Aric left for a week with the truck this morning. It’s after 1 in the afternoon, the blinds are still shut, JM has totalled over two hours in his highchair, I’m in my dressing gown, and so tired despite falling asleep every chance I get. I’m looking forward to JM’s next nap. And now I’m dumping my shit on you. Sorry. What I meant to say was, I would totally come and hang out but I have no vehicle, and I would call you but I have no phone with a long distance line. The point is, I feel ya, but I remember times when things didn’t feel this way, so it must go will disolve and be gone, and then you won’t even remember when it was like this.

  14. Jen
    April 11th, 2005 13:25
    14

    Me, too. I wish you were still out here in NC.

  15. Antonia
    April 11th, 2005 13:32
    15

    I want to thank you for writing this post. Venting in my last comment (yeah, sorry about that one) made me feel better, and I actually went and showered. While in the shower I realized the reason I’ve probably been feeling this way is because I’ve really been slacking on going to the gym. I hate to admit it, because when I’m depressed and Aric tells me I just need to get exercise I want to fill his face in. It’s like telling someone who might be a tad hormonal that she’s PMSing. Not a good idea. Anyway, I hope writing your feelings down has made you feel better too. If not, try forcing yourself into the shower.

  16. Ninotchka
    April 11th, 2005 13:37
    16

    I’ve been there, SJ. Hang on, honey, it’ll pass.

  17. deleted
    April 11th, 2005 13:40
    17

    This post so does NOT suck! This is the reality of taking care of small children. It is rewarding, yet draining. The caretakers of children, and I don’t say “women” here because there are so many dads who do the same job now, who never have and never will be given the credit that they deserve for the job that they do. You are a wonderful wife and mother. Your husband and child both look very happy in your family photos.

    You also make your blog readers very happy. Oh, great. I’ve made myself cry. Thanks. =)

  18. deleted
    April 11th, 2005 13:41
    18

    I think what I was trying to say is: I think you’re great. I’m sorry you’re down today. Keep the faith!

  19. Stacey
    April 11th, 2005 13:51
    19

    I’d so take you out and get right drunk about now.

    I’m sorry you feel so shitty.

  20. Stacey
    April 11th, 2005 13:52
    20

    btw, I never get dressed unless I need too. Shower? What’s that? :D

  21. RisibleGirl
    April 11th, 2005 13:57
    21

    It’s time for you to be compassionate with yourself. That’s the only way you’ll get past this. Be your own friend and write yourself a letter of advice.

    I know that sounds really corny, but if you treat yourself like you would treat a good friend, you’ll come though this.

    Take care of YOU.

  22. Emily
    April 11th, 2005 14:00
    22

    I hate those kind of days, they make the sucky people seem suckier!

    I am so here for you in any way I can be considering I’m many states away!!

  23. Robotnik
    April 11th, 2005 14:03
    23

    LIFE AIN’T ‘PPOSED TO BE THIS WAY, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

  24. Corrie
    April 11th, 2005 14:32
    24

    SJ,
    I love you! I hope you are okay!

  25. shaunacat
    April 11th, 2005 14:34
    25

    Me too.

    I didn’t get out of my pajamas all day yesterday and today I couldn’t even bring myself to blog. I am having a hard time, too. You’re in good company.

    xoxo.

  26. The Merry Widow
    April 11th, 2005 14:37
    26

    I once had a cancer scare…

    I had PLENTY of cranky/pissy/mad at EVERYONE days that went with it.

    But at the end, I remembered that I was still alive and that life was good.

    Call me if you want to vent/hang out/get drunk/make fun of other people at coffee shops/watch Sex & The City! I’m here for ya!

  27. Wendi
    April 11th, 2005 15:01
    27

    If I were closer…and your friend…I would come by…if you’d let me…rant, rave and cry with you…

    All I can do is send you strength…love…hope…and caring…

    Hang in there Sj!

  28. Tammy
    April 11th, 2005 15:03
    28

    (((HUGS))) believe it or not, I know the feeling. Being all filled up with all the “suck” in the world is hard to get rid of to get filled back up with feelings that DONT suck.

  29. Tracy
    April 11th, 2005 15:30
    29

    What would our lives truly be if we were “happy” all the time? We would take “happy” for granted. You are doing just fine. You know not to let people get to you for too long. The grass is always greener, very true. You are doing better then fine. You are doing great. We all get down. Makes life interesting. *smiles* You are very loved and cared for by many (as you can see). Don’t let the crap keep you down for too long. ;)

  30. Sheryl
    April 11th, 2005 15:44
    30

    I’m sorry you’re feeling blue. You’ve had a rough time of it lately, hope you feel better soon :o (

  31. Sam
    April 11th, 2005 16:16
    31

    Take care sweetie. It can’t always be sunshine and roses.
    **HUGS**

  32. Heatheranne
    April 11th, 2005 16:24
    32

    SJ - I don’t want to read about sex and poop and pretend this didn’t happen because it happens to me too! The tone of this post accurately describes how I feel a lot of the time. Thank you.

  33. halloweenlover
    April 11th, 2005 16:31
    33

    Sorry you are feeling like poop today, SJ. I think what the Merry Widow said might be right on target. My father in law also had a cancer scare and was plunged into this awful terrifying depression and we didn’t know how to make it stop. Sometimes it is just the near miss that causes us so much pain, sort of a realization of mortality. Who knows?

    I have heard from so many people that taking care of a little one and being home 24/7 is so much harder than they could ever explain. You are not alone.

    Along with Dr. Pepper, ice cream helps too. Or maybe a long run, since you said you love running. I’ll be thinking about you.

  34. MsInterpreted
    April 11th, 2005 17:07
    34

    I so totally get that. Thanks for being real. Believe it or not, you’re helping others out here in blogland.

  35. Ste-pha-nie
    April 11th, 2005 18:03
    35

    Whether you are writing To Whom It May Concern or just Yourself, you are writing and expressing and sharing. Women and Moms and Mothers and Daughters are likely reading and feeling with you, understanding, and sending your gobs and gobs of love!

    Ten years ago, when I was a brand new mom, there were no blogs and if there were I didn’t have a computer much less internet access to write blog. Had I had any forethought (hahahahahaha) I might have written a paper journal, but, those are too hard to hide.

  36. Lujza
    April 11th, 2005 18:33
    36

    *hugs*

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