Would you like to join the Tijuana Yacht Club?

People always told me that I was an inquisitive little kid. My grandma used to tell a story that I asked if I could take an escalator to Heaven so I could see my sister. Damn, I was so cute that I want to make myself vomit.

Anyway, why is the sky blue, where are those police cars going, why are they doing road work…the list could go on and on. One question I don’t think I ever asked was “Where do babies come from?”

Well, dumbass, everyone knows that babies come from the stork. At least everyone who saw Dumbo.

I recently had a quick email exchange with MollieBee that reminded me of something I used to say a lot.

Mollie: We used to go to a playground that had grafitti on the equipment, really great stuff like “tonya fucked mike”, etc. I always had the urge to add “and it was nothing to brag about”.

Me: “Mommy, what’s a fuck?”

Mollie: “Fuck is where babies come from!”

Anyway, I was about 8 or so when my Mom decided to teach me about where babies come from. Instead of sitting me down and saying “when a mommy and daddy love each other very much…” she brought me a book.

Complete with pictures.

I have a feeling that this book is one of the million reasons I am so fucked up. Man, Little SJ gets a book complete with pictures of pubes and weiners.

Somewhere along the way, I decided that kids need to know the truth about sex. Sure, we could say that mommy and daddy do a special hug, but then kids will be scared to hug. What makes that hug so special? Is it the “back tap” that makes it special? Is it the length (well…the length HELPS) of the hug?

People are truthful these days about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I’m going to be truthful about sex.

When Miss E is about 3, 4 or 5 (depending on her maturity) I will bring home a porn for her to watch. We will all sit down in front of the TV and I’ll say “this is where babies come from.”

Then she’ll watch the video. I’m sure she’ll be a little scared, which will hopefully get us through the teen years without a new addition to the SJ Household. We’ll try to steer clear of all videos that have “backdoor action” and “oral action” as that is not how babies are made.

No Dirty Sanchez, no Pearl Necklaces. Just good ol’ humping, porno style.

And then, after we’ve finished watching the video and all the crying has stopped, I’ll look at her and tell her “After they finished filming that, those people DIED.”

I figure the dying part may get us through at least the first few years of college.

31 Responses to “Would you like to join the Tijuana Yacht Club?”

  1. Stacey
    April 9th, 2005 16:18

    The width helps more. ;)

  2. Shylah
    April 9th, 2005 16:59

    Can I send my daughter over for your lesson? You seem to have a much better plan than I do. (My plan involves a titanium chastity belt and lots and lots of bars on doors and windows.)

  3. Tish
    April 9th, 2005 17:04

    Are you related to me? I mean the guilt and fear angle is classic TISH. WOW. Great post, Darling. BUt you know that. AND I am still groveling for a link but it’s pointless now.

  4. Y
    April 9th, 2005 17:09

    I’M OUTRAGED! I’m calling The Good Mommy Gang and we’re TOTALLY going to do a mommy driveby!!

  5. MollieBee
    April 9th, 2005 18:23

    OMG, was yours entitled Where Did I Come From? I have that book. I got it when I was nine, I still have it. It’s so awful, I gotta scan in a page for you.

  6. Heatheranne
    April 9th, 2005 18:37

    Who needs porn flicks when you have the internet? My 12 year old son has discovered the joys of porn sites. At least with the internet, you don’t have to waste time skipping the girl on girl action. Just click to a different page.

    Since Tish brought it up. What exactly do we have to do for a link?

  7. Ninotchka
    April 9th, 2005 19:40

    HYSTERICAL! ha ha ha

  8. Lujza
    April 9th, 2005 20:07

    You’re so mean!

  9. Fellow Eskimo
    April 9th, 2005 20:41

    Better than learning *only* from the middle school bathroom wall!

  10. Terri
    April 9th, 2005 20:56

    “After they finished filming that, those people DIED.”

    Oh that is good! Writint that down for future use.

  11. Nanc'
    April 9th, 2005 22:05

    Thank gawd! Someone finally told me what a “pearl necklace” is. (Yes, I was the last one on earth to know–about the term anyway. )

  12. coffeegirl
    April 9th, 2005 22:28

    Not that I wasn’t laughing already, but “After they finished filming that, those people DIED.” made me fall out of my chair.

    I think my boys need to spend the weekend with Aunt SJ!

  13. frozenmojo
    April 9th, 2005 23:20

    i thought i’d heard it all, but ‘dirty sanchez’???? (learn something new every day!) whichever of the 3 definitions is correct….GROSS!!!!!!

  14. Corrie
    April 10th, 2005 06:54

    Being that we “Shake Your Penis” at my house, I was wondering how to approach the whole sex ed thing…now I know. Thank you. I bet my husband could reccomend a good porn.

  15. mrtl
    April 10th, 2005 14:28

    This is an excellent idea! I had considered showing “Faces of Death” when it came time for our daughter to start driving. I can’t remember which one had a really bad accident in it, but why not just watch them all?

    A question for you, too. Do you have a list of your silly titles somewhere? They’re cracking my ass up. My ass is cracked to my neck now. Swahili for doggy style? What are you ON?

  16. Sarcomical
    April 10th, 2005 16:00

    …i am at a loss for words. your girl will be the kid all the mothers don’t want their kids to talk to because she will have “superior knowledge”. you know those kids.
    i got a book too. i think it was the encyclopedia.

  17. Tammy
    April 10th, 2005 16:11

    I’m thinking of making Girl Terror watch a birth. The whole messy thing. And then maybe she will have to babysit the newborn every weekend for a month. That oughta do it.

  18. Stacey
    April 10th, 2005 18:13

    Man, coffeegirl…you think dirty sanchez is bad?

    Look up “angry dragon”


  19. Robotnik
    April 10th, 2005 18:48

    Girth, dah-ling, GIRTH.

  20. Stacey
    April 10th, 2005 19:14

    Girth, that’s it.

    Girth > Length

  21. Kimberley
    April 10th, 2005 19:42

    I had no idea about that pearl necklace deal either, and then I remembered that song, “She wore a Pearl Necklace” by ZZ Top. They knew what they were talking about.

  22. eMiLY
    April 10th, 2005 22:42

    hahahahahahahahahaha.. perfect!
    we had a lot of pets… so it was like live-beastiallity-porn…
    whatever it was, i learned quick!

  23. Tracy
    April 11th, 2005 00:07

    My sister tried to explain to me about sex when I was like 5. We had these two hunting dogs of my fathers and well… they liked each other a lot! So, I asked my sister while we were playing out in the back yard what on earth he was doing to her. She just plainly said, “They are fucking.” I was lost to say the least. So, I ran into my mothers room and told her, “Mommy! The dogs are fucking in their cage!” Heck, if I knew I was going to get my mouth slapped off with one wack of her hand, I would have never said a thing. My sister, who was 3 years older then me, just laughed as I ran out of the room. That was how I learned about sex. I think I will be much more calm with our daughters when they are ready to talk about it. A good bedtime stories movie on skinnamax or something might just be the ticket. ;) At least she will be able to work her jaw the next morning without hearing it pop like I had to go thru. *blinks*

  24. chris
    April 11th, 2005 03:02

    ahh! but waiting for The Right Moment can be tough too. who knows who they’ll meet during the course of a school day? some potty-mouth know nothing spills all the beans (incorrectly) and FUCK, (or no fuck).at any rate, i thiink it’s a GREAT PLAN and if i get a chance to use it on S3, i will!

  25. Laura
    April 11th, 2005 08:17

    Was the book the one with a bunch of swimming sperm on the inside of the book cover, one of whom was holding a bouquet of roses and wearing a top hat? If so, I’m similarly scarred.

    Hmmmm…what porn to show your 5 year old? You could show her Caligula, that ought to scare the sex drive out of her forever. Interesting idea!

  26. MollieBee
    April 11th, 2005 09:35

    That was the one I had, Laura. It was truly high-larious.

  27. RedWonder
    April 11th, 2005 11:01

    That’s hilarious and horrible and I love it and if I ever get knocked up I most certainly plan on using it.

    My mother also left a book in my and my sister’s room. I eventually got around to looking at it at age 10 or 11. I remember pointing to a poor illustration of pubic hair and asking my sister (who is two yeas older than me) if it was grass. And do you know what she said? “Good question.” Good questions?!

    It’s a wonder I’d ever get any.

  28. halloweenlover
    April 11th, 2005 11:02

    SJ, I am so grossed out right now. Ugh, dirty sanchez? EEEWWWWWWW.

    I also got a book when I asked, I also was traumatized. I wonder if there is any way not to traumatize our kids?

  29. Robotnik
    April 11th, 2005 11:18

    And what do you mean “skip the girl on girl action.”

  30. Kristin
    April 11th, 2005 12:33

    NO, no, I am scarred for life by the definition of the Dirty Sanchez. Why on God’s green earth would anyone ever DO that???

  31. SuzanH
    April 12th, 2005 19:20

    That is hilarious. I love “AND THEN THEY DIED!”

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