I play with my axe wound at the park

I get a call this morning from The Hubs, who asks if I want to go eat lunch with him and some of his coworkers. I oblige and at 11:15, Miss E and I arrive, fake Cheerios in hand.

Anyway, there’s not much to tell of the lunch but I thought I’d share a little conversation that had me in tears (the good kind) by the end.

Fabulous Widow (to me): I’m going to cut you.
Me: I already have an axe wound.
Guy: Really? You do?
Me: Yeah.
Guy: I want to see it.
Me: You would, probably because you’ve never seen one before.
Everyone: Laughs.
Guy: I don’t get it. Where is your axe wound?

Okay, damn. It was much funnier in person, probably because I’m butchering this conversation as I write it. For those of you not in the know, axe wound is another term for cooter.

Moving on….

On the way home, I decided to stop by the park and let Miss E play in the swings for awhile. It was a nice day and I hoped for a little human interaction to go along with play time.

I talk to one lady who has a 7 month old little boy. The talking and swinging are going along okay until I get the Kiss of Death. “Okay, time to go. Have a nice day.”

Wait!!! Can’t you see that I’m out of my comfort zone here? Come on! I’m trying to make friends!

After too much swinging, I spot a bunch of ladies sitting by the play area and I wander over to them. Luckily, I have an “in” because I have a kid. Having a kid in suburbia is like wearing overpriced shoes or having a nice purse. It just makes you that much cooler.

You don’t show up to Paris Hilton’s house without crack and you don’t show up in suburbia without a rugrat.

So I meander up to one lady who has two kids and a dog. I let Miss E pet the dog, which sends her into this loud, squealing tizzy that can be heard for 2, 765 miles.

The lady and I are chatting; it turns out that she just moved here with her husband and they are staying in a hotel while they close their new house. We’re talking about where she lived and living here and yadda yadda when she says “This is a nice park.”

And then, for some reason, I have to open my mouth.

“Yeah, it is. It used to be a lot more seculded. Those houses (points at houses) were all trees and that bridge (points at bridge) wasn’t there as this was a dead-end road. Yeah, since it was a lot more secluded, a lot of people came here. I always found used condoms on the ground when I’d come here as a teen.”

The lady looks at me.

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t bring her here if there were still used condoms. It’s a lot more family-friendly now.”

I gave her my number if she wanted to get together. I wonder if she’ll call…

17 Comments

  1. Too funny!

    Ax wound. I’ve never heard it called that before. That poor guy is probably still trying to understand what you meant.

    If that lady didn’t enjoy your humor, she’s crazy.

    Great post.

    Comment by deleted — 4/8/2005 @ 1:36 pm

  2. God you crack me up.

    Comment by Laura — 4/8/2005 @ 1:39 pm

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I’m also the please-don’t-open-the-mouth type. My flakiness is worse than dandruff.

    Comment by mrtl — 4/8/2005 @ 2:34 pm

  4. “You don’t show up to Paris Hilton’s house without crack and you don’t show up in suburbia without a rugrat.”

    gagahaahahahdgd

    Comment by Stacey — 4/8/2005 @ 2:44 pm

  5. This is probably no comfort to you, but I would soooo call you.

    Comment by sleepingmommy — 4/8/2005 @ 2:53 pm

  6. I am learning so many new words for vagina while blogging. Its so educational! I love axe wound, that’s awesome.

    Comment by True Jersey Girl — 4/8/2005 @ 3:01 pm

  7. You rule. :-D

    Axe wound….*snort*

    Comment by Jessica — 4/8/2005 @ 3:01 pm

  8. I didn’t hear “Miss E” up here…..

    Comment by Lujza — 4/8/2005 @ 4:37 pm

  9. I gotta ask….why did the widow say she was going to cut you? Am I just not getting it?
    Axe wound is a new one for me, too. Sounds more like a term for “cooter that has recently spewed forth a huge headed child".

    Comment by Tammy — 4/8/2005 @ 4:56 pm

  10. Umm…I believe the correct latin (or something) term for “axe wound” is “festering hatchet wound", or, at least, that is how I’ve always heard it. You know, because I’m always about using the correct terminology.

    And…I’d so call you and sleepingmommy!

    Comment by Cori — 4/8/2005 @ 6:41 pm

  11. The widow wanted to cut her because that’s what she does. She cuts people. How do you think she became a widow?

    Comment by The Merry Widow — 4/8/2005 @ 8:39 pm

  12. Hee to the Paris Hilton comment.

    SJ, the children in my neighborhood find condoms at our park all the time, too. Sex in the play structures… ah yeah. Actually, rather disgusting. They have also found remnants of illegal drugs. The festering underbelly of suburban lifestyle…

    Comment by janna — 4/8/2005 @ 9:07 pm

  13. We used to go to a playground that had grafitti on the equipment, really great stuff like “tonya fucked mike", etc. I always had the urge to add “and it was nothing to brag about".

    Comment by MollieBee — 4/8/2005 @ 11:54 pm

  14. Every time I go to the park the ladies avoid me like the plague. I go to the swings, they bring their kid to the slide. And around and around we go. I’m not all that dissapointed though, since they’re usually closer to my mom’s age than mine. Where’s all the chicks that got knocked up too young and sometimes leave the house without showering and can have a laugh? Not at my park anyway.

    Comment by Antonia — 4/8/2005 @ 11:57 pm

  15. I suck at small talk so I usually look like the stuck up snot avoiding all the other parents. Maybe I am. I just can’t seem to get all suburbanized. I am not a perfect Mom, with perfect hair and clean kids. I am the only one???

    Comment by Terri — 4/9/2005 @ 12:09 am

  16. Funny post! I hate it when I find used condoms by the playgrounds. Are they starting that young?!

    Comment by mrsmogul — 4/9/2005 @ 8:56 am

  17. I enjoy using that phrase too…"ill cut you”

    Comment by ANDS — 4/9/2005 @ 9:22 pm

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