If I fertilize the grass, will it be greener?

The first time I went to my therapist, she pointed out that I had a “grass is always greener” syndrome. Somewhere along the way, I had convinced myself that if only X happened, then everything would be perfect.

If I have long hair, I need to cut it short. Short hair? Gotta grow it out.

Can you GUESS why we moved to North Carolina? Can you guess who decided that NC was THE place to be? Then, once we were in NC, I decided that all would be well if we bought a house. Can you guess who bought a house? When we lived in NC, sometimes The Hubs would point out that all of it was MY idea. And, every time, when I realized that I hated my job and I felt so far away from my family and we were attached to a house that we’d have to sell to move out of, I would cry. “Why did you let me do this? Be a man! Tell me NO!”

Then, when he tells me “No” I get up all in his face like “You can’t tell me no! I am SJ! Nobody tells me No! The internet loves my eyebrows!”

Then, you know, I get fired and I just HAD to move back to Texas.

And, here we are!

Last night I snuggled up on the couch to watch the TBS version of “Sex and the City” and drink a vanilla milkshake. Every time I watch Sex and the City, I find myself pining to move to NYC, wear fabulous clothing and have drinks with my best gals.

I mean, seriously, I watch the show and think “I need to do it more.”

Somehow I manage to convince myself that I’d have lots of single sex, even though I stayed a virgin till marriage. Guess I would have had lots of single make out sessions. I’d probably have oral herpes by now.

I watch the show and know that I’m a “Miranda” even though I want to be a “Carrie.” Carrie is cute and funky and a writer. Miranda is all mean and cynical.

Who the hell am I kidding? I’m Miranda. I’m damn cynical. See? The grass is always greener!

The deal is, I’m very happy in my marriage and with my life. I just don’t get it!

Anyway, I get all warm and tingly inside when I watch that show. It’s like that secret part of me, the part of me that says “You should be travelling and spending money!” gets jealous of the ladies on the show. I know it is fictional and all…but sometimes I just wish we had more excitement. Not drama, just excitement.

If only I moved to New Guinea and worked in a brothel…everything would be perfect!

I’m realizing how I’m like this in a bunch of ways. When I was pregnant, I wished that I wasn’t so I could dress “cute.” Now that I’m not pregnant, I would watch The View every morning and see Elisabeth all cute and think “I want to look like her!”

Last night, we laid in bed with a very, very sleepy baby who was drinking her bottle. Then I looked at the back of her head, where the hair is coming in light brown and very thick and smiled. I rubbed my finger along her hairline and put her little hand in mine.

“Who cares what happens,” I thought to myself. “I love this little girl.”

And then, I vomited a little in my mouth for such a syrupy comment.

18 Comments

  1. I “lived” in Manhattan for 6 months, just out of college. “Lived” meaning crashed on a friend’s couch. Yea. It’s everything you think it is. But…you HAVE to live in Manhattan, and it helps to be well off. Because, you know, you just can’t go out every night to Pastis if you’re broke.

    But…having been there, I will never regret living in the “city.” It was everything you think it is…and so much more.

    Of course, now, married, and with a girl Ellie’s age, I no longer dream of hanging in the Village or the Meatpacking District. Nah. Now I dream of chillin’ in the Hamptons, co-habiting with the likes of the Barefoot Contessa, you see.

    All in due time. As soon as the book is sold. Right?

    Yea right.

    Comment by Robotnik — 4/7/2005 @ 10:53 am

  2. I tend to do the same thing. I want to move back to FL, but not really. I miss living in my hometown in NJ, but I’d miss TX if I left (though I hated the idea of moving here) I am constantly thinking about what would be “better", and sometimes I wish I was single so I could live in a big city and be selfish like the SITC gals, but I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything.

    Comment by Crystal — 4/7/2005 @ 11:09 am

  3. I’m a grass is greener type of gal too, and the ex would ask me, “Will you ever just be happy?” It always stumped me because I wasn’t quite sure.

    Comment by Rebecca — 4/7/2005 @ 11:12 am

  4. Yep. I’m right there with you. The grass must be greener over there. Things will be always be better when I have a new job, newer car, live in a bigger house, have kids. I need to constantly remind myself how good I have it RIGHT NOW. Wonderful husband, nice home, family and friends nearby… the grass may LOOK greener, but then I remember we have a pretty nice lawn here too.

    Comment by Lisa — 4/7/2005 @ 11:40 am

  5. This is me exactly! At least you got to move back ‘home’ though - we moved from California and no way, no how can we afford to go back! See, grass is greener! And yet, I always look back on the past as if it was perfect, even though I was miserable then too!!

    Comment by Zeb — 4/7/2005 @ 11:58 am

  6. Yes, you are a Miranda … but Miranda is the best character on the show. Every time I watch SATC, Miranda reminds me of my friend Kristen, who moved away after college and who I miss desperately. The Mirandas, Kristens and SJs of the world are wonderful friends to have because they can always make you laugh at yourself and see things in a new way.

    OK, enough sappiness. Isn’t it so fun to analyze people you know and figure out with SATC character they would be?

    Comment by Kristin — 4/7/2005 @ 12:08 pm

  7. Yep, I’m the same way. I’ll be happy when we get a house. I’ll be happy if we move to Florida. Why can’t I just appreciate what I have and be happy now?

    Comment by Heatheranne — 4/7/2005 @ 12:18 pm

  8. As I sat crying on my bed the other day I thought to myself “I have a fantastic husband, a healthy pregnancy, good friends and family, everyone is healthy, my dog loves me. We are financially stable, I have a roof over my head. I was able to buy designer maternity jeans (yes I’m shallow and yes I HAD to have them). And I really am happy, so why am I crying? Is it pregnancy hormones? Or there, right over there, where I can’t quite see, is there something I am missing? Is it, could it be, IS the grass greener?”
    Then I gave myself a little smack upside the head and convinced myself to appreciate exactly what I have, because it’s pretty damn good. But just a little itty bit of me still wondered….what’s over there….?

    Comment by wdc — 4/7/2005 @ 12:44 pm

  9. Ya know, something that stops me when I start my “The Grass is Greener over there, I must go."-mode The song by Soundgarden, in Outshined the lyrics “The grass is always greener/where the dogs are shitting” really makes me stop in my tracks. I take a good look at that green lawn that looks so nice from where I’m at and say, it’s probably full of shit anyway, I’m happy I think…ummm…or something like that…lol I have definitely been like that many many times in my life, anymore, I just take what I got, and try to stay focused on what I want to accomplish…can’t say I do it, but hey I try…so when the grass starts looking greener, remember, it’s because it’s full of dog shit!!!

    Comment by Lizard Queen — 4/7/2005 @ 1:24 pm

  10. I can’t see the grass through all this fucking mud.

    But I’m so Miranda. With a lot of Samantha mixed in for kicks.

    Comment by debutaunt — 4/7/2005 @ 1:57 pm

  11. You sound like me. I know I want to move to NC, but I don’t want to leave my large extended family in California (fuck my inlaws, they can stay here). I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed with my ex or I wonder about being single again and going and doing all the naughty stuff I used to do. I wonder about not having my little boy around, then feel guilty about it. Why? Because he’s my little man and I adore him. How could I wonder about life without him? I wonder about how I would have turned out if all the stuff in my life hadn’t happened the way it did and I wonder if I would have liked it better a different way.

    Sorry I’m rambling. You just touched on something that I’ve been thinking about for a while.

    Comment by Jessica — 4/7/2005 @ 2:03 pm

  12. I think a lot of us feel that way. Here is a quote I try to remember:
    “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”
    – Epicurus

    Comment by Nanc’ — 4/7/2005 @ 2:30 pm

  13. You waited til marriage to have sex? I planned on doing that…it didn’t really work out. Good for you!

    Also, I have a touch of Grass Is Always Greener Disease, but when I told a friend, he said that he (and probably others) envy elements of MY life because it apears to be greener to them. That way of thinking turned out to be pretty good antidote.

    Comment by Laura C. — 4/7/2005 @ 3:04 pm

  14. Dang SJ, that’s really cool that you waited to do it with your soulmate. Awwwww.

    Comment by MollieBee — 4/7/2005 @ 4:15 pm

  15. I never could get into Sex and The City. I wish there was a London version of single life - Sex and the City (with Hugh Grant, and Colin Firth! - but they’re prolly to old for those roles now…), that’s where my grass would seem greener…

    Comment by biz — 4/7/2005 @ 6:31 pm

  16. Oh my god, I think we might be the same person, except I’m on a 24 month delay. Like your 2-year-belated twin or something.
    (Except the internet doesn’t necessarily love my eyebrows.)

    Comment by Lindsay — 4/7/2005 @ 10:58 pm

  17. You hit the nail on the head. The grass in Texas is actually crappy though, and not very green at all. It’s all itchy to sit in, and there’s no way you could just sprawl out on it and look at the clouds without being prepared with a blanket. And it still poken through. But then again, it rains a helluva lot in Ireland. The way I see it, everything has a balance. Pros and cons, in some form or another.

    Comment by Antonia — 4/8/2005 @ 12:30 am

  18. You stayed a virgin until you married? You shock me sometimes. This is one of them.

    Comment by brilly — 4/8/2005 @ 8:07 am

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