Foodie Foodicus

I have this one cousin, we shall call this cousin Artificial Insemination Girl, whose mother never made her eat anything. This child, who is really an early teen now, is the most picky thing on the face of the Earth.

If I remember correctly, she doesn’t even like ice cream. In fact, her tastes were so weird that I’m not sure if she actually eats food. She probably eats grass or something odd like that. Her Mom never made her eat dinner or lunch and if she didn’t want to eat it, well, she didn’t have to.

Way to pick out a sperm donor, Auntie.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going out for lunch with Cas and her Pod. We live in the same town and she’s about to have a baby and did I ever tell you how much I lurve to talk about birth?

So, Cas thought about going for some Meditteranean food. Nooo…not gonna work because that is “weird” food and I don’t pay to eat weird food. That’s probably a reason why I don’t try new things because damn, what if I don’t like it and I just paid for it? She said okay and we’ve settled on Chinese. Yum.

Anyway, recently The Hubs decided that I need to eat almonds to be “healthy.” What a crock of shit. So he comes out with the almond and tells me I have to eat it. I look at him like he is growing a third eye because there is No Way I Am Going To Eat That.

I scream. I fight. I yell things and tell him how horrible he is because he’s trying to make me eat a nut. Then he gets all “But I love you and want you to be around and they are good for you.”

Damn.

You see, I hate nuts. I don’t like the texture, the smell, the taste, the feel of them in my mouth. I don’t want them touching me or my food.

Then, because I am stupid, I eat the damn nut. With a piece of chocolate to cover the nasty feeling in my mouth. So last night, after we all realized I wasn’t going to die anytime soon, he brought the nuts back out. I kept pushing them away and hiding them under things. I say I will eat nut puree when he finds it.

Yeah. Don’t think they actually have nut puree anywhere, so really, I am in the clear.

Then we go to the store and there is a machine that mushes up almonds into almond paste. Since I am a girl of my word, I buy some. I just had almond puree on bread and really, could we at least add some flavor to it? It tastes like crunchy hay.

I’m weird with my food neurosises. I don’t mix foods. When I’m eating at the table, I will eat one thing until it is complete and then start on the next. I will not, as The Hubs did last night, alternate Mexican food with strawberries. Forget about seafood (except for tuna) as well as nuts (except for salted peanuts). I like bananas but not in food (hate banana splits) same thing with oranges. Like plums and grapes, hate prunes and raisins. The smell of pretzels makes me want to vomit. But I love soft pretzels.

So, what’s your weird food issue? It seems as if everyone has something (including The Hubs, who can not eat a piece of meat if it isn’t smothered in sauce). Can your food not touch on the plate? Must you only eat facing Mecca?

Come on, I’m not alone in this one. Am I?

40 Comments

  1. Everything needs to be on a separate plate, unless it’s like french fries or something else that keeps to itself. And most times I only eat one thing at a time…I can’t stand the food being mixed up.

    The issues around my house go much deeper and there isn’t enough space to explain it all. Around here we eat spaghetti almost every day….and oh it gets old after about a week…been doing it for 4 1/2 years.

    Comment by NinaKaye — 4/5/2005 @ 4:33 pm

  2. I can’t eat anything with Ricotta cheese in it. Just…ew.

    I make it a goal to eat french fries everyday.

    Comment by MollieBee — 4/5/2005 @ 4:55 pm

  3. I can’t relate to this at all. I’m a mixer, and I’ll try just about anything (unless it looks like it could be asleep it’s that close to looking alive or raw). I still like McD’s sweet and sour sauce on my Big Mac (eaten once a year these days), cake and icecream is best as a soupy goo, and … I’ll stop now and apologize for those stomachs turned already.

    Comment by mrtl — 4/5/2005 @ 5:01 pm

  4. If it’s food I will eat it. There isn’t anything that I know of that I don’t like. hot, cold, all mixed up. If it’s food I will eat it.

    Comment by mace — 4/5/2005 @ 5:19 pm

  5. I didn’t eat eggs for 30 years after the fucking nuns at Our Lady of the Hills camp made me eat powdered scrambled eggs. Since I wouldn’t eat them for breakfast, they served-reserved-and re-reserved them for three meals. I still never ate them.

    I still only will eat them with lots of salsa or hard boiled.

    Comment by debutaunt — 4/5/2005 @ 5:30 pm

  6. I eat tomato sauce, ketchup, and tomato soup… but I will not eat an actual tomato. It’s a texture issue. Same thing with bananas. I eat banana pudding, banana bread, banana popsicles… but not an actual banana. I like the taste of it, I just can’t stand the texture!

    Comment by Melissa — 4/5/2005 @ 5:37 pm

  7. I have no weird food issues [well not *seriously weird*] but have you read the book The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time?? I ask because I’ve just finished it and there we had some *seriously weird* food issues going on in that book. But then the kid had Aspergers’ syndrome…

    Comment by Alda — 4/5/2005 @ 5:43 pm

  8. I had issues with scrambled eggs for a time, as a teen (eons ago).
    My dad made them - yummy, but one time forgot to rinse the pan REALLY well and we all suffered Ivory eggs - and I could taste that for the longest time.

    I have little to no food issues anymore, and my weight shows it :P

    Comment by biz — 4/5/2005 @ 5:49 pm

  9. After reading you post I think I may have finally found someone who can agree w/ me on the nuts on desserts issue. What kind of sick madman puts nuts on an otherwise perfectly delicious food? I bought the most deliciou-looking brownie the other day, only to bite into it and find a bunch of nuts. Isn’t that illegal??

    Comment by Jennifer — 4/5/2005 @ 6:08 pm

  10. Jennifer, one must always ask the nut question when purchasing a “sweet.” I think it is the law.

    Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — 4/5/2005 @ 6:15 pm

  11. I am open to trying new foods, but not entirely comfortable with it. For example, my mom never fed me fish when I was a kid (except tuna). So, as an adult I tried salmon and cod just to be open to it. I don’t like it very much, but I can say I tried. Heck, I’ve even eaten rabbit. I’ll try almost anything for the adventure oI am open to trying new foods, but not entirely comfortable with it. For example, my mom never fed me fish when I was a kid (except tuna). So, as an adult I tried salmon and cod just to be open to it. I don’t like it very much, but I can say I tried. Heck, I’ve even eaten rabbit. I’ll try almost anything for the adventure of it, but when I go to my favorite restaurant I order the same things every time. And I separate food on my plate like a crazy person. If my food touches each other I don’t eat the mixed section.f it, but when I go to my favorite resturaunt I order the same things every time. And I seperate food on my plate like a crazy person. If my food touches each other I don’t eat the mixed section.

    Comment by Brook — 4/5/2005 @ 6:46 pm

  12. Gah, sorry for that. I’m an idiot.

    Comment by Brook — 4/5/2005 @ 6:47 pm

  13. I will not eat brussel sprouts at all. The last time I had one was as a kid, and I can still bring to mind the taste.. urgh! Also, for me I can’t eat oysters or mussels, the whole looks like snot thing. Mushrooms - only the button ones and only if they are chopped up small, texture issues.

    When eating a meal, I tend to eat each section seperately. I’ll eat the potatoes and peas first, then the meat.

    Does this make me a loony?

    Comment by amanda — 4/5/2005 @ 7:13 pm

  14. I can’t eat food with lumps or bumps in them. Especially tapioca pudding. If I bite into something that has a lump in it I get nauseated and it ruins the whole meal.

    Comment by Brandy — 4/5/2005 @ 7:22 pm

  15. I don’t do offal. I think it’s, well, awful.

    But I love just about everything else…some things more than others of course!

    The weird food thing I do is that I always save what I like on my plate best until last, and often, I’m too full to eat it then. Instead, I should eat it first and really enjoy it, instead of letting D finish of my favorite bit.

    Comment by Cas — 4/5/2005 @ 7:51 pm

  16. so…i like nuts BY THEMSELVES…can’t stand things with nuts in them…i like stuff with cooked tomatoes in it, but can’t eat a raw tomato; unless it is on a BLT…which brings another one of my oddities…i don’t like bacon, i don’t like tomatoes…but i LOVE BLTs…love orange popsicles, hate orange koolaid…hate grape popsicles, love grape koolaid…i don’t like to eat food that has “red things” in them…can’t eat sour cream on a baked potato, love sour cream with mexican….can’t eat peas or lima beans, can’t stand the texture of them.

    I vote WE ARE ALL WEIRD!

    Comment by Melissa — 4/5/2005 @ 7:55 pm

  17. I’m a texture girl. So, I can like the flavor of something, but totally be unable to eat it without gagging.

    Take a banana, for instance. LOVE the flavor of a banana, but the mushyness of it makes me throw up. So, I can only eat chocolate covered frozen bananas.

    Dude, I have SO MANY ISSUES with food, it’s not even funny. I won’t use up your comment section with them…

    Comment by Y — 4/5/2005 @ 7:56 pm

  18. I can’t eat chicken with bones or skin. Only boneless, skinless chicken breasts. When I was in 3rd grade we hatched baby chickens in our classroom. They were so cute. I could not eat these cute baby chickens. My parents did not understand. When they tried to make me eat chicken, I spit it out in my napkin and hid it under the cushion on my chair until I could sneak back later and throw it away. To this day I am traumatized!

    Comment by Lisa — 4/5/2005 @ 8:17 pm

  19. I don’t have too many blanket issues with food, like no lumps or no nuts. I am picky though. No meat on bones, it grosses me out. I don’t eat mayo, only Miracle Whip. Speaking of MW, I eat tomato sandwiches, on toast with MW and salt. My hubs thinks this is the most horrific thing ever, but I grew up in NJ’s farmland, tomatoes are gold to us.

    Comment by Crystal — 4/5/2005 @ 8:22 pm

  20. David eats his food like you do - separately. I am more of a mixer. For instance: I had a salad with ginger dressing and lemonade for dinner.

    Comment by Di — 4/5/2005 @ 8:25 pm

  21. My brother and I are both segregationists when it comes to food - so we’re raised by Yankee-ized southerners. :) Food must not touch! The cardinal sin: green been juice. My mom served canned green beans all the time, and the juice would leak into everything: potatos, bread, etc. It was all just wrong. Now that I cook for myself, I tend to make one-bowl-meals or eat out of multiple plates and bowls.

    Comment by MunchkinMama — 4/5/2005 @ 8:27 pm

  22. Oh… My biggest food weirdness? I am both a mixer and a segregator. If the food is meant to be eaten separately (say, meat and potatoes and veggies) I will mix it all up. Not on the plate, because that’s gross for everyone to look at, but I’ll get a little of each on my fork for each bite. I get seriously upset if I have to eat meat by itself. BUT! Foods that come mixed, especially in layers! MUST! be de-layered before I can eat it. Watch me eat a KitKat, I dare you, and see if you don’t think I need to be committed.

    Oh, and me also with the nuts - I love just about all of ‘em on their own, but get them the heck out of my desserts! (And yet - I am the reverse about raisins. Sure, put ‘em in things, but don’t try to make me eat them plain. Ew.)

    I am a freak.

    Comment by Liz — 4/5/2005 @ 8:40 pm

  23. My husband also smothers meat in sauce. Even if it already has gravy on it.

    Unless we’re eating stir-fry or some other meal that’s already mixed up, I eat the veges first, then the meat, then the starch.

    I will eat banana, banana with vanilla ice-cream, banana bread, or banana cake; but I will not eat mashed banana, banana sandwiches, banana smoothies, or anything “fake” banana, like flavoured ice-cream or those banana lollies.

    I also can’t handle any level of spice or curry. And I’m weird about meat because I’m scared of getting food poisoning. I always smell it before I cook it. If I’m unsure, I get my husband or even my Mum to smell it. And it has to be thoroughly cooked.

    Comment by Mellissa — 4/5/2005 @ 8:43 pm

  24. Geez, do you have an hour? First, I also eat all of something on my plate before I move onto something else. That drives waiters crazy (Um, is everything ok with your burger? Do you still see fries on my plate? GEEZ!).

    I love alot of flavors but hate HATE textures so I don’t eat alot of food I can’t CONTROL. Like chili con queso - I must skim the top with my chip so that none of those CHUNKS get on my chip. Hubby is in charge of eating my chunks. Shut up.

    Also on the do not eat ever list: Soup, seafood of any kind, anything I can’t identify, most vegtables, anything with visible (chewy, ugh) fat, anything that isn’t how it is “supposed” to be (green ketchup, blue M&M’s)basically, anything I didn’t eat when I was five.

    The way I make it up to my husband, though, who IS a food lover, when I go food shopping I look for the most disgusting thing there and I buy it for him. He always loves it.

    Very sad. I know.

    Comment by Em — 4/5/2005 @ 8:44 pm

  25. Growing up in Romania we didn’t have shit. So…I eat everything. You name it, I’ll have it. Cow’s brain? Yup. Mountain oysters? Mmmm-mmmm. Cow’s tongue? You betcha.

    Seriously though, Mediterranean food rocks!

    Comment by Robotnik — 4/5/2005 @ 9:09 pm

  26. I can’t eat a fast food hamburger because I’m certain there is sperm on it.

    Comment by Autumn — 4/5/2005 @ 10:14 pm

  27. So I won’t have to fight you for the last chickens foot at Yum Cha?

    Comment by brilly — 4/5/2005 @ 10:25 pm

  28. My food must not touch. No seafood (something about the rotting carcass smell and eating and animal that’s lived in, breathed in and drank its own excrement its entire life…) Also, although I have a stomach of iron and almost no subject is too gross for me, I turn into a little sissy girl at the dinner table. My dad used to love to do this to me:

    Me: *munch* This food is good!
    Dad: Oooooh! That rice kinda looks like maggots.
    Me: Fine. I’ll eat later. *leaves the dinner table*

    Ordinarily, I’d be all like, “Oh, cool! Maggots! We should take pictures! Look, they squish when you poke them with your shoe!” My dad still tortures me this way when we come to visit.

    Comment by Vida — 4/5/2005 @ 11:30 pm

  29. Lucky for you the peanut is more legume than nut, so technically you can still say you don’t like nuts.

    Me, I can taste a molecular drop of jam in my peanut butter or peanut butter in my jam. I hate the two together with a passion, and heaven help the soul who gets a drop of either in their respective jars.

    Comment by Rebecca — 4/6/2005 @ 12:48 am

  30. Geez food weirdness.. where do I start? Okay soup- love the thick ones, cream of anything really but those thin and brothy ones? I will puke. Promise. Another thing, I can’t do sweet and meat together. That means no sweet and sour pork, no teriyaki chicken, and here’s the troubling part, no BBQ. Living in Texas it’s technically against the law to hate BBQ.. I’m in hiding as I post…

    Comment by Nic- — 4/6/2005 @ 1:57 am

  31. first off, in the weird/food relative department, i have identical twin cousins who would eat NOTHING but peanit butter sandwiches for literally years, but both went on to be contributing members of society. (i don’t know what they eat now.)

    my list is short: seafood is OK except for scallops-once my teeth bounced off the first one it was all over. mustard: why? immediate gag on anything anywhere we’ve all got our stuff, don’t we?

    Comment by chris — 4/6/2005 @ 7:18 am

  32. yeah, i know it’s *peanUt* -duh.

    Comment by chris — 4/6/2005 @ 7:20 am

  33. i hate hate hate pickles, if pickle juice touches anything on my plate in a restaurant (where i always ask for no pickles and they look at me like i’m crazy) i will take my napkin and soak up any pickle juice to prevent further contamination.
    also musturd. my boyfriend puts mustard in his chilli, and i swear i can taste it even if its just one drop.
    and never put nuts in brownies, it is sacralidge!

    Comment by L — 4/6/2005 @ 8:11 am

  34. i hate mexican, indian, medetteranian, japanese, most italian, most thai, and anything with onions or mushrooms.

    but the worst is mayo.

    i cannot eat anything with mayonnaise in it or on it. the sight of mayo in the jar makes me want to puke. and don’t even get me near it. if i see it or smell it, i will puke for sure. so yeah, i won’t eat tuna salad, egg salad, potato salad, macaroni salad, any sandwich that has mayo on it in any way, shape or form.

    but what’s weird is that i will eat ranch dressing…and that shit’s got mayo in it.

    Comment by honey bunny — 4/6/2005 @ 8:19 am

  35. My issues are along the lines of Melissa’s. I like tomatoes and tomato sauces but can’t stand to even watch someone else drink tomato juice. I eat bananas but can’t stand to look at banana pudding. I don’t eat ground beef; rarely, I’ll eat a steak or some roast. I won’t eat the chicken in chicken soup and no dark meat-ever!

    Comment by Nanc’ — 4/6/2005 @ 9:12 am

  36. Bananas. The smell makes me gag, touching them makes me shiver. I just can’t stand them.

    But I love banana cake/bread.

    I sort of have a food thing with milk. I can’t drink it if it comes out of plastic bottles. I have this thing that milk residue stays on the lid area and gets dry and crusty and smells, and just the idea of it makes me gag. In fact milk itself only just makes it onto my list of edible items - and only because I like it in coffee.

    Comment by Karyn — 4/6/2005 @ 9:29 am

  37. All these descriptions of people’s gross-out foods is making me feel a little nauseated. Urgh.

    Waiters hate me because I always have to order something “special” … like a cheeseburger with no pickles, onions, tomatoes or mayonnaise. I hate most vegetables and most fruits - it’s all a texture thing. I also can’t eat yogurt because of the texture. I only started eating salads a few years ago, and now I pick out everything besides romaine and iceberg lettuce, cheese and dressing. I don’t even like croutons. I hate all nuts except peanuts, though I don’t mind pecans if they’re cooked in something (or in Pralines & Cream ice cream!). I LOVE milk with desserts but refuse to drink it by itself.

    I also refuse to eat ham or porkchops, will only eat bacon if it’s VERY crispy - hate mushy fatty part - and don’t eat steak - except a filet mignon now and then. I won’t eat shrimp or any type of shellfish. I don’t like meat on the bone … it’s too big a reminder that the meat once resided on an animal.

    I don’t have a lot of issues with foods touching, but I won’t eat dessert on the same plate my dinner was on.

    Comment by Kristin — 4/6/2005 @ 11:06 am

  38. No offense, but some people’s “no” list makes me feel a little bit better! I hate, hate, hate, most items with fake strawberry flavor and strawberry jelly makes me want to hurl right here and now. But I love strawberries. I can eat tuna and I can eat noodles and I can eat peas, but put those things near each other (ugh, I can feel the bile rising), no way. For years, there were things I didn’t eat and when I cut most meats out of my diet, suddenly I craved things that I used to refuse to eat. And no fish with eyes. That just freaks me out. When I was in Spain, I discovered calamari cause it was the only thing that didn’t stare at me while I ate it.

    Comment by tabitha — 4/6/2005 @ 2:38 pm

  39. I love everything but sushi, and strong cheeses– and even those if it’s like Gorgonzola with fruit and nuts. yummmm. I don’t make my kids eat their food either, but they have to take one bite if it’s something new. My kids love feta cheese. How weird is that. Cheese that smells like vomit, and they can’t get enough.

    Comment by Sheryl — 4/7/2005 @ 9:58 am

  40. I am so glad I am not THE pickiest eater around. I want to show this site to all my friends/past boyfriends/family! Ok, here goes.

    I will not eat any weird meat. “Weird” meat is anything that is not beef, chicken, or turkey. Sometimes ham. Again, to clarify: chickens are okay, cornish game hens are not. I also don’t like meat on the bone. And ribs? FORGET IT.

    I must have potatoes in some form with meat. Whether it’s chips, fries, mashed, scalloped, whatever – but with each bite of meat I need the equal amount of potatoes.

    I hate nuts in things. I didn’t realize that was a popular one, thanks for enlightening me! I couldn’t eat bananas for years, but for some reason they stopped bothering me just a couple of years ago. I hate fish, even tuna is questionable unless it’s slathered in mayo, which i HATE on anything else.

    Comment by Lisa — 4/7/2005 @ 4:32 pm

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