Don’t ask, don’t tell.

When I started this website, I totally intended for it to stay anonymous. I liked it that way because then I could say whatever the hell I wanted and not have to answer to anyone. But then I got fired and, you know, I had to explain to my family what exactly I did to get myself canned.

So they knew about this site, but I don’t think they were reading.

Then I end up on the front page of The Washington Post and all of a sudden, EVERYONE I know from real life is reading my site. To tell the truth, I freaked. I thought about moving domains. I thought about censoring myself. I thought about throwing a tantrum where I say “Shut up and go away!”

But, the deal is, no matter how often I say “please don’t read this,” people will read it. Maybe they find it funny, or perhaps they just want to stay involved. That’s fine, I guess. I’m flattered. But, I can’t keep censoring myself or second guessing any time I write something kind of personal.

Past examples of wanting to censor myself include:

My drunk drawings of weiners.
The time I made a penis cake.
Any talk of boobs.
Anything personal: such as my wanting baby #2

So…I’m going to make a nice little disclaimer for anyone who knows me in real life. You can read this site if you want. I can’t stop you. This is a free country and I’ve never played by the rules so I don’t expect you to. But, that being said, if you do read this: DON’T TELL ME.

Pretend you don’t know about

Also, let’s get it all out in the open, shall we?

1. I talk about boobs. Sometimes I post pictures of my sagging boobs and discuss how I wish they were pretty. Yo’ mama has boobs. Don’t be ashamed.
2. I use words like “fuck” and “douchebag” and “bitch.” Sometimes a lot, sometimes never. It depends on my moods.
3. I have a kid. She’s not adopted. You know how she got here. I may talk about how she got here in the future. Deal with it.
4. I take “happy pills” and I see a “therapist.” No, I will not discuss it with you. It’s my business and I’m in the business of not acting a fool.
5. Sometimes I get mad. Sometimes I get mad at people. Sometimes I might get mad at you. Stop acting like an idiot and I won’t have to write anything on here, okay?
6. I’m all for gay rights and I didn’t vote in the last election and sometimes I drink alcohol. I think whoever you voted for is stupid. Sometimes I am liberal. Sometimes I am conservative. Deal.

There. I’m completely outed. I feel better. Let all of us refer to this as the “Don’t ask, don’t tell policy.” Also, I got the idea from here because it is nice to give credit.

So stop reading this already and go send me a care package full of diapers for the baby.


  1. I feel your pain…
    I hate it when my family and friends try to talk about my blog with me…
    It pisses me off to no end…
    I’ve taken to telling them if you have a comment about my page leave it in the comments section on my page otherwise shut up…

    Comment by David — 3/6/2005 @ 1:01 am

  2. You do all that stuff? REally? I hadn’t noticed! LOL!

    Comment by Wendi — 3/6/2005 @ 6:15 am

  3. Yeah, the anonymity thing is a bummer. I started out by telling everyone I had a blog. Since then we’ve moved to another state and I will not be telling anyone here about my blog– what if I have some entertaining or snarky story about one of my new friends? It’s wrong to censor good blog fodder.

    Comment by Sheryl — 3/6/2005 @ 9:04 am

  4. Here’s my take. When people befriend a writer, or they “spawn” a writer in their family, they ought to expect to be praised, ridiculed, loved, hated, loathed, adored, pissed on, spit upon, put on a pedestal, torn down, built up, etc.

    That’s what we do.

    Comment by LX Robotnik — 3/6/2005 @ 10:00 am

  5. I wrote a disclaimer. I posted it. The person was more pissed at the disclaimer than the original post that pissed them off.
    I swear I can’t win.

    Comment by kristine — 3/6/2005 @ 11:54 am

  6. That was awesome. GOod for you.

    Comment by Mariposa — 3/6/2005 @ 1:30 pm

  7. Really, though, any blog that doesn’t use the word “douchebag” isn’t worth reading.

    And, as a fellow blogger in therapy and on massive doses of head meds, I’ll point out that the only people still not on happy pills and in therapy probably need to be anyway.

    Also: Rock on with your saggin’ titties! Let’s form a lobbyist group: Aging Saggy Boobs of America. It will work in conjuction with the Cellulite- and Stretch-marked Ass Owners Union.

    Comment by Anna — 3/6/2005 @ 2:03 pm

  8. I admit, I hate to think of my friends or family reading my blog, with the exception of the few people I have told. I just had a chance to read back through your site, and it’s hilarious! Except the part where you get fired. That makes me think I’d better go delete any mention of Hubby’s job from my blog…

    Comment by Tammy — 3/6/2005 @ 4:53 pm

  9. wow ! u got fired b’coz of this blog ?!?!?!

    Comment by stalker — 3/6/2005 @ 6:44 pm

  10. Good on you! I’ve been wanting to disclaim in a similar way for a really long time. Instead, I just pretend it doesn’t exist. Not quite as effective, but a suitable stopgap for a lazyperson.

    Comment by MB — 3/6/2005 @ 9:36 pm

  11. I envy your guts and glory! My blog has my name on it and I never write about sex or psychoactive medication or my vasectomy, because I’m sure my mom Googles me at least twice a week. I’m thinking of setting up an anonymous blog for the fun stuff, but maybe I’ll just rock my known world with the truth under my own name. Hmm.

    Comment by Bill Denneen — 3/7/2005 @ 6:52 am

  12. I’m so with you on the political beliefs. I didn’t vote either. *Collective gasp*

    Comment by Kristin — 3/7/2005 @ 5:25 pm

  13. Hey, nice disclaimer! I forgot that I talk about boobs too. I bet I will talk about them even more once I have kids.

    And thanks for giving credit. It was nice to see some new visitors popping over from your site!

    Comment by harmony — 3/7/2005 @ 7:25 pm

  14. Do you know how to take a smiling photo of a bunch of people? Tell them, Hey! don’t look this way, and don’t smile!

    Comment by Samanta — 3/7/2005 @ 11:11 pm

  15. Yes we do read this and no we don’t like it. I’m sorry if you don’t want us to tell you we read it but I have nuts too. Telling your life history with the whole world is fine if thats what you like to do but as for me your brother in law you know the one your sister was boning ( Remember ) I would like to ask you not to bring us in this shit. Oh yea and for the little comment of my daughter you know the niece you may never see again yea the one you and your hubby had sex in front of on my kitchen table Oh yea and the one that your hubby said needs a muzzle, I would appriciate if you don’t bring her in this shit as well. Ok maybe you didn’t have sex on the table or maybee you did???? To the punch line if you want to continue having a relationship with our family, meaning your sister, your niece and me This shit better stop now. Continue on about yourself and others but remember leave us out. Its one thing to talk about us and another to mention names and were we are from. Feel free to reply.

    Comment by Eddie — 3/8/2005 @ 1:30 am

  16. Eddie - You are a little punk, and what you are doing is called emotional blackmail. It sucks, and leaving this demented little post like a turd in the middle of the living room floor is the LEAST adult, sane, reasonable way to resolve your conflict with your sister. Grow up, asshat.

    Comment by lydia — 3/9/2005 @ 4:27 pm

  17. If I’m good can I still read? I figure I’m ok because you have told me about your blog…but I want an official ok. I would be so excited if I ever made it on your blog because that would mean I did something worthwhile haha. Miss you mucho…come and play at the must magical place on earth…mickey will make it all better…i swear.

    Comment by ANDS — 3/9/2005 @ 7:23 pm

  18. (oh I forgot)…hehehe asshat….hehehe

    Comment by ANDS — 3/9/2005 @ 7:24 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Say it, don't spray it

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.