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An entire post about the Oprah show.

I’m currently feeling a bit in the dumps about my writing slash book situation. I’d go into it a little more but “wah wah poor me tsunami victims.” Really, in the grand scheme of all things life, is my book conundrum important?

Oprah is on and she’s granting Debra Messing’s wishes.

I’m going to tell you a secret. It has become my “secret wish” to somehow make it onto Oprah. No, I’m not going to sit in the audience. I want to be one of the people on stage. A guest.

Every once in awhile, I go to Oprah’s web site and click on the “be on the show!” link. Look! She wants ME to be on the show! ME! Oprah loves “stay at home moms!” I’m a stay at home mom!

Oprah loves ME!

So, here is what Oprah is looking for right now.

*Is your spouse outright mean about your weight?
No. He think I’m hot.

*Is your underwear ruining your look?
Well, my hips have grown so my old underwear doesn’t fit. So getting dressed in the morning is depressing.

*Do you have an amazing home video?
I have a video of Ellie eating bread. The world wants to see it.

*Hey young songbirds? Want a recording contract?
No. I want a motherfucking book deal.

*Interracial couples.
Nope. Two whities here.

*Are you the fat one in the family?
Hell, no. You should see my family. I’m the thin one. Except for my cousin who “pops pills.” She weighs 10 pounds.

Damnit. What if Oprah retires and I have never made it on her show? This is one of those things I HAVE TO DO. I have to be on Oprah. I don’t know why. Maybe I’ll start a letter writing campaign. Why?

BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

7 Responses to “An entire post about the Oprah show.”

  1. Kalena Mango
    February 2nd, 2005 17:33
    1

    has SHE done a show on fired bloggers yet? maybe you should suggest one! starring you! :)

  2. Kristin
    February 2nd, 2005 17:57
    2

    Was she seriously granting Debra Messing’s wishes? As if Debra Messing isn’t a fabulously beautiful, successful and wealthy actress with an adorable husband and child. Gag me with a spoon. Yes, I really said that.

  3. y
    February 2nd, 2005 18:33
    3

    I have hated oprah ever since the day that bitch got all high and mighty about people using fake flowers to decorate their houses. Like, listen bitch, not everyone can afford freshly cut mother fucking roses like YOU can, almighty one, so shutthefuckup! And then there was the time she was talking about throwing a party on a “budget” and I was like, what the fuck? No paper plates involved? That aint no “budget” party, bitch.

    The only reason I watch her show anymore is to TOTALLY laugh at her AND her audience.

    But if your dream ever comes true and you’re on? I won’t laugh. I promise.

  4. some girl
    February 2nd, 2005 21:16
    4

    You know what? I’m with Y on my Oprah hatred. I can’t STAND her.

    Don’t ask me why I TiVo her everyday, though.

    It’s just sick. Sick I tell you.

    Do you post on her messgae boards? LOL

  5. Amy
    February 3rd, 2005 10:37
    5

    The whole episode I just watched in awe of Oprah’s boobs. They were so…umm…up there! Gotta know where she buys her bras!

  6. AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch
    February 4th, 2005 13:05
    6

    You could always go on Maury and pretend that you don;t know who your baby daddy is.

    Umm, no nevermind that’s dumb.

  7. backgammon instructions
    April 4th, 2005 22:38
    7

    backgammon instructions
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