Dear Kirstie,

Dear Kirstie Alley,

Hey! How’s it going? So you’re making a comeback. You’ve got this new show in the works called “Fat Actress” and Oprah had NATE decorate your kitchen, even though you could totally afford it and he should have redecorated MY HOUSE but whatever.

Personally, I never thought you were gone. You did those Pier One commercials where you romped through the store, rubbing scented candles on your naughty bits. I thought “That Kirstie Alley looks pretty cool.”

Then, all of a sudden, you were back! Back! Here’s Kirstie on the cover of a tabloid! A tabloid! You know you’re cool when you’re on a tabloid! And there you are! They say you’re FAT! FAT!

And now you’re on those Jenny Craig commercials where you say “Hey! You’re fat, too! Let’s lose weight together!” And then I think to myself “Am I fat? Kirstie Alley says I’m fat! I should go on Jenny Craig, too!”

Why are you so hard on yourself? I think you look good. You said you won’t have fat sex. That’s not very nice, now is it? Can a woman who showed Oprah her room full of stuffed animals really be so judgemental as to say she won’t have fat sex?

Some guys have a thing for it. They’d probably like to watch you rub those scented candles on your naughty bits.

Just a thought.

Your friend,
The Sarcastic Journalist

PS: Loved you in “Look Who’s Talking.”


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  1. Nice. Very Nice. The post and the new look.

    Comment by Jaz — 1/31/2005 @ 6:03 pm

  2. I’m not fat, I’m festively plump.

    Comment by Kirstie Alley — 1/31/2005 @ 6:18 pm

  3. So really, am I fat? Should I go to Jenny Craig?

    Comment by Heatheranne — 1/31/2005 @ 6:56 pm

  4. Well, I’m not fat.

    Kirstie, you BITCH, how dare you call me fat?

    ha ha ha

    Comment by Ninotchka — 1/31/2005 @ 7:08 pm

  5. I find the whole kirstie alley thing really sad actually. she looks great if you ask me. although I AM FAT, so what do i know?

    Comment by jenB — 1/31/2005 @ 7:24 pm

  6. I would never have sex if it wasn’t fat sex. heh

    I love fat. Of course, I’ve never not been fat so what do I know?

    Comment by NinaKaye — 1/31/2005 @ 7:37 pm

  7. Comment fixed by editor:

    My name is the sarcastic blogger. I’m a fuckwad who has an itty bitty dick. I go to people’s blogs who are busy with screaming babies and make fun of how they write. Everyone grab a magnifying glass to look for my itty bitty dick. I am dickless. Did I mention I’m dickless?

    Comment by sarcastic blogger — 1/31/2005 @ 7:56 pm

  8. She looks like fucking Jabba The Hut. She’s not fat? Are you blind? Hey…how about that friggin’ HOUSE she has? Did you see the “tour?” Give me a break..she needed her kitchen remodeled. Yea…remodeled of all the fucking FOOD she had stored.

    Comment by LX Robotnik — 1/31/2005 @ 7:57 pm

  9. I agree with JenB, that’s just sad, she’s so unhappy with herself, she can’t enjoy sex?

    I have to say, I’m a thick girl, but it has no effect on my clitoris and other parts. Thank Buddha.

    Comment by MollieBee — 1/31/2005 @ 8:31 pm

  10. DAMN…the Sarcastic Blogger delivering with a left-jab. What is SJ going to come back with?

    By the way…the NYT–as mentioned before in my previous gripe–seems to have problems understanding the plural vs. the possessive. Ain’t no one pre-fect.

    Comment by LX Robotnik — 1/31/2005 @ 8:38 pm

  11. If I never had sex when I was fat, I’d never have sex.

    And I have plenty o’ sex with some amazing looking men and not yet one complaint. I also perfected my blow job last year. Practice makes perfect they say.

    And as far as the NYT comment… hello. The NYT has boucoup editors. And yet they still make fuckups. SJ has zero editor besides douchebags who come on here and point fingers. Not to mention she’s got boobs aflowin and kid ascreamin. I think she multitasks quite well.

    Comment by debutaunt — 1/31/2005 @ 8:48 pm

  12. I get offended when she yells at me through the TV. She’s all up on my grill, yelling, “HEY YOUR FAT!” I beg your pardon, I am not fat yo. Anyway, I usually just tell her to eat another pie or something.

    Comment by Corrie — 1/31/2005 @ 9:22 pm

  13. This is a blog, not a newspaper Sarcastic Blogger.

    Take your trolling elsewhere.

    Comment by MelissaS — 1/31/2005 @ 9:42 pm

  14. See, am I the only one who thinks she’s annoying?

    I mean, it has nothing to do with her weight. I thought she was annoying on Cheers too. And Victorias Closet or whatever that was…

    I dunno. Every time I see her I think about that horrible movie she made with Tim Allen where they were amish and I want to jab forks into my ears to dull the pain.

    But, I do give her props for embracing who/what she is. I mean, she could do the denial thing, the passing blame thing, or the recluse thing, but she doesn’t, so high-five to her.

    Oh, and SJ you totally ruined Pier One for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go in there again without wondering if the items in my basket every came close to her naughty bits.

    Comment by angie — 2/1/2005 @ 1:41 am

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