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The Sarcastic Journalist..."You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."

Expect this.

When I got pregnant, my friend gave me her copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” You’re supposed to go through it month by month and learn that your nipples will get this big and your butt will do that and your hair? It will grow.

Of course, they don’t tell you that you will end up with sideburns and a crotch so sensitive that sitting on the toilet hurts.

So, of course, I have my copy of What to Expect the First Year. It tells me how much my baby SHOULD weigh and what she should do during different stages of infancy.

They tell you how to play peek a boo with your kid (come on, could you NOT figure out how to play peek a boo) but they don’t tell you other things.

Recently, Ellie has been very, very sleepy, which is a good thing for me as I have TOO MUCH TO DO. (Editor’s Note: I have 30 dozen baked goods to make for the Bake Sale. As of today, I’ve conquered half of the orders.) In fact, I woke up at 7:45 this morning to drag the kiddo around to an arts and crafts store so I could get items for my cake decorating class.

Anyway, we had to hustle home because Ellie’s nap must commence by 10am or the shiznit will hit the fan. Today she woke up early from her nap and after I fed her, she still seemed tired. You know, whining, crying, not wanting to eat.

I end up laying her down in her crib but take her out because she’s starting to cry. I’m laying in bed with her, trying to feed her, but she’s not having it.

At that moment, and I’m dead serious, I thought “Where’s the button? Where’s the button that stops the crying?”

Then I thought, maybe I should call The Hubs, because even though he’s not here, I’m sure he can tell me what to do. I could consult my What to Expect book, but it’ll probably just tell me how much my baby should weigh while she’s crying.


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  1. teeth! teeth! Check for teeth! If that’s the case, the crying button is in your medicine cabinet and it’s labeled “Tylenol” ;)

    Comment by Erin — 1/19/2005 @ 1:28 pm

  2. SJ, same thing going on here with Gillian. She hit 6 months and all of a sudden…lots of crying, whining, missing mommy all the time…and another annoying habit: SQUAWKING. Also, she’s been “teething” for 2 friggin’ months, and nothing’s breaking through. Not even close.

    I’ve said this to my wife a million times: I will strangle all those edjits who write books about what baby SHOULD do/be at this stage, that stage, etc. It’s all crap. Every baby is an individual.

    Comment by LX Robotnik — 1/19/2005 @ 1:32 pm

  3. I hate that stupid What to Expect book…it reads like a science textbook to me, it’s so impersonal. The best one I’ve read so far is the Girlfriend’s Guide - but even that doesn’t really tell the truth about all of the (disgusting) odd changes that happen when you’re knocked up.

    *sigh* I wish someone would have told me that I’d have constantly hard nipples. UGH.

    Comment by shaunacat — 1/19/2005 @ 1:40 pm

  4. I have the What To Expect book, but I’m not about to buy the First Year one. I figure I can learn more from trial and error (and some help from the family) than from some book. Although I did find Diaper Diaries amusing. :-D

    Comment by Jessica — 1/19/2005 @ 1:51 pm

  5. Ohh, I am gonna say teething. I would go get Hylands Teething Tablets asap. They work like a charm!

    Comment by Bree — 1/19/2005 @ 3:01 pm

  6. Books like that can cause stress if your baby isn’t hitting the stages at the same time. We have friends whose kid didn’t start teething until she was 2 (we used to call her Gummy). Infant Tylenol helps, but so do the infant teething tablets – get the generic brand for both and save lots of money. They work just as well. Not everyone has the stomach for this, but as kids get older, sometimes it’s necessary to let them cry, as long as they aren’t crying out for a dire need. It builds character in everyone invovled (hard as it is).

    - end unsolicited advice -

    Comment by Texas T-bone — 1/19/2005 @ 3:28 pm

  7. That book is so overrated. Maybe we should team up and write what reality after birth is - heaven and hell complete with matching spit-up. You continue to rock on the blog….and still haven’t heard if the tips helped so I assume they didn’t. Hmm.

    Comment by Tish — 1/19/2005 @ 5:06 pm

  8. it should be called “what you should expect is that you don’t know what to expect.” it is a neverending daily puzzle dealing with a tiny person that has no way to communicate in the english language. i wish i spoke squawking, crying, grunting, and squealing. sheesh i’d be rich. damn those frightening books!

    Comment by lesley — 1/19/2005 @ 6:34 pm

  9. You know, I think Tish is on to something. Write The Sarcastic Journalist’s Guide to What You Should REALLY Expect When You’re Expecting. If you write it in your usual style–you know, sarcastic, but truthful and real (and full of love for your Ellie Bear)–I think it would really sell!

    Comment by muppet — 1/19/2005 @ 11:18 pm

  10. Hylands Teething tablets are AWESOME! They work right away and then top it off with some Tylenol or Motrin.

    Poor Ellie belly.

    Comment by Kellie — 1/20/2005 @ 12:53 am

  11. why is there still snow at the top of the page?

    Comment by Dawn — 1/20/2005 @ 2:29 am

  12. Ack! Change!! There should be no change! No, seriously, it looks good, it’s almost hypnotizing. Oh, and for a real guide? The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy, and the guides for the first couple years are TOO funny. They get down to the real stuff, and have helpful advice like “Husbands… you should show up in the delivery room with jewelry of some kind as a thank you to your wife!”

    Comment by Crystal — 1/20/2005 @ 4:18 am

  13. “What to Expect…” = Satanic Bible. Just a little below “".

    Comment by Fish — 1/20/2005 @ 9:55 am

  14. personally, i love the “Girlfriend’s Guide” series to pregnancy and early childhood. very down to earth and pratical. and though she (vicky iovine - the author) doesn’t have a “how to make a stop-it-before-i-loose-my-mind button” section, she does remind us all that babies have phases and/or bad days.
    i remember my daughter started not sleeping at 10 mos and then at 14 mos went back to sleeping well. these crazy babies - who really know, right? :) good luck! :)

    Comment by megan — 1/20/2005 @ 10:21 am

  15. I found your website while online and have gotten a kick out of your humor. I live in Houston too and have a 9 month old daughter, Natalie. I don’t know how old your daugther is, but we’ve had the same issues lately with ours and it was an ear infection and teething. The drs say there is no correlation between the two, but every time my son cut new teeth, he got an ear infection. So, if the tylenol doesn’t help, I would get her ears checked out by a dr. It could be she needs an antibiotic. Best of luck with it–I plan to look for those teething tablets everyone has told you about on here today!

    Comment by Stephanie — 1/20/2005 @ 10:51 am

  16. Orajel seems to do the trick over here. John-Malachy is the easiest baby I have ever come across, but there are times when he gets all grumpy for days on end. And it always turns out to be his teeth. And it always ends as suddenly as it started.

    Comment by Antonia — 1/21/2005 @ 1:49 am

  17. gnu backgammon
    If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. by backgammon sets

    Trackback by gnu backgammon — 4/4/2005 @ 10:35 pm

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