A Size E In a B World

I remember, back when I was pregnant, I would dream about the day I wasn’t pregnant. I planned out my wardrobe, thought of cute shirts and pants and outfits that I would wear. After 9 months of basically wearing the same 3 shirts over and over, new clothes seemed like a lot of fun.

I guess what I didn’t prepare for was my boobs. It never occured to me that they’d get bigger. Sure, some people enjoy their supple breasteeding chest. And I’m sure these people were probably an A cup before they got knocked up.

So for me, being a DD before the kid came, things could only get worse. A, B, C, D, DD…

E!!!

E as in Elephant. E as in Eggplant. E as in Edgar Allen Poe.

E as in “enough” or “enormous.”

E for Ellie.

So today I went to the mall because I got some money for Christmas and I wanted to buy something for myself. A nice little something to make me feel better about myself. Maybe a shirt! I like shirts! A shirt!

And then a funny thing happened. None of the shirts fit.

So I go over to Victoria’s Secret because maybe they’ll have a tank top or something since we all know that those bras aren’t going to fit.

Nope. Nothing looked good at Urban Outfitters or Anthropologie, either. I walked past the “plus size” store, and though they had my cup size, they didn’t have the right band size.

So I did what I hadn’t done in so long. I went to the maternity store. And I bought a tanktop there. I had to buy a large tank top from the maternity store so I could wear it around the house and feel cute.

I am six months post baby and I’m buying maternity clothes so my boobs will fit in. To make matters worse, those dressing room lights are awful. I had a heightened sense of my cellulite and I was disgusted by what the Victoria’s Secret room showed me about my butt.

Like I’m going to buy anything when my butt looks like that.

And since today is MLK day, all the teeny boppers were out with their low-rise pants and their perky little boobs and ugly hair that looks just like everyone else.

Most of them looked like this:

Except not as model-y. I’d say what I really think about them but I am trying to cuss less on here. You know, take it down from NC17 to rated R.

And you want to know how I felt? How I still feel after my trip to the mall where I bought clothes at a maternity store EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT PREGNANT?

23 Comments

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  1. Michele (at micheleagnew.com) asked when the last time we laughed out loud was. Well, it was just now. The drawing at the bottom of the picture was the perfect surprise ending to your story. Ha!

    Comment by Muppet — 1/17/2005 @ 4:21 pm

  2. oh dud, those teenage girls make me ill too with their perfect little bodies. but just wait until they turn 21. anyway, you are a hot mama. those teeny boppers got nothing on your funbags :)

    Comment by Curly Girrrl — 1/17/2005 @ 4:26 pm

  3. I am waiting to hear scathing comments regarding “mall-rat” teenagers clad in hip-huggers, from men.

    I look at those girls and shudder, thinking maybe one day my Gillian might be looking like that. I can only hope/pray that fashions change. And that feckin’ banter…ugh: “and I was like, and she was all, and he was like, you know?”

    What? What the fuck did you just say?

    Comment by LX Robotnik — 1/17/2005 @ 4:36 pm

  4. Now I’m scared. I’m a D/DD right now - am I going to be an E after the baby comes?! HOLY CRAP!!!!! These puppies are big enough!!!!!!!!!!

    Comment by shaunacat — 1/17/2005 @ 4:43 pm

  5. I feel your pain. I was at the mall yesterday trying to buy a bra. Got sized and sure enough, we’ve gone up again. And I’m not even pregnant or breastfeeding, just getting fat. And what does hubby say, “Wait til I know you up.” Joy.

    Comment by Jazzy — 1/17/2005 @ 4:52 pm

  6. Yeah - my kids better damn well appreciate what my body went through for them. The droopy boobs, the stretch marks, the raging hormones, oh and the fact that my hips are now roughly double the size they once were… nice.

    Comment by lexagirl — 1/17/2005 @ 6:03 pm

  7. Can you say “H is for horrific? Horrendous? Holy fuck, how in the hell can I haul these tits around without falling flat on my face?” Yep, I went from a DD to an H. Finally back down to a DD and I feel down-right petite.

    Comment by Poppy — 1/17/2005 @ 6:14 pm

  8. holeeeee crap. not only did you make me laugh so hard i had to hold in my pee, but you also made me feel bad for you.

    p.s. i think you’re artist’s representation is probably inaccurate.

    Comment by Sarcomical — 1/17/2005 @ 6:19 pm

  9. Love that drawing at the bottom. :-D My boobs will go up to size E after I give birth, but I hope to God they don’t stay that way. My husband doesn’t seem to have a problem with their size though.

    Teenybopper girls. HA! They make me laugh the way that they dress and stuff. If I wanted people to see my asscrack, I’d moon them for reals.

    Comment by Jessica — 1/17/2005 @ 7:06 pm

  10. I’m sorry to laugh SJ, but I’m glad I did. It’s been one hell of a day. Man, shopping for decent clothes today is hard enough without guns like that. I loved my breastfeeding boobs. They made me feel like Dolly Parton, but they were only a pansy D cup.

    Comment by MollieBee — 1/17/2005 @ 7:38 pm

  11. wah! i totally feel your pain (and i’m just trying to get accustomed to going from B to D)! baby’s 3 months old now, and i’m still wearing the maternity tanktops. regular clothes still don’t fit, and other shirts are too hot due to my still whacked out hormones. does it ever end? will we ever return to normal? oh yeah, and what happened to my ass? none of my pants fit, either. damn.

    Comment by perl — 1/17/2005 @ 7:43 pm

  12. I am sorry. But I laughed so hard. I think E would be better then going from a D to a DD back to a shriveled, roll em up empty sacs of fun D. lol

    Comment by Bree — 1/17/2005 @ 8:00 pm

  13. i don’t mean to laugh at your pain, but i did anyway. :) and this is just reason number 2, 549 for me not to get pregnant. mine are already a DDD. i don’t think i could stand it if they got bigger. :p

    Comment by kara — 1/17/2005 @ 8:51 pm

  14. FUNBAGS?!! (did you used to listen to Opie & Anthony!??) You have scared my size D funbags away from having children…I think they just shrank up to a full C!!!

    Comment by DAZED — 1/17/2005 @ 9:01 pm

  15. First - that is the funniest damn drawing, and you don’t look like that. Secondly - I feel the same way when I go to the mall. I better stop competing with teenie bobbers before I make an ass out of myself.

    Comment by Auty — 1/17/2005 @ 10:44 pm

  16. Wow. That picture speaks um, louder? Nyah….E, huh? I too am a DD better think about a breast reduction BEFORE those kiddies I plan on having!

    Comment by Jennifer — 1/18/2005 @ 12:13 am

  17. i feel ya!! i was a DD going in and by the time baby came, i was wearing a G - yes, a G maternity bra!! not that it did anything to tame those suckers and it always slid under them. i only breastfed for 7 weeks and it took me a full year to get back down to a D. (they ended up smaller - yeah!!)

    Comment by megan — 1/18/2005 @ 12:16 pm

  18. Urban Outfitters and Anthropology. In Rice Village? I love their stuff.

    Comment by Antonia — 1/18/2005 @ 12:20 pm

  19. okay…have to say feeling a little left out here…didn’t anyone out there start out as a member of the itty bitty titty committee??

    great picture by the way!

    Comment by frozenmojo — 1/18/2005 @ 5:30 pm

  20. Frozen - I’m with ya’. I’ve got barely B’s and am looking forward to (well, sorta) getting knocked up & growing some C’s.

    So, how on earth do you run and stuff with D’s or G’s? Or maybe you just don’t? Doesn’t all that bouncing hurt?

    Thanks for all the real-life lessons SJ!!!

    Comment by Yecats — 1/18/2005 @ 8:53 pm

  21. yecats - running… hahahaha!! – when i was pregnant, i walked to keep in shape and wore a sports bra one size too small over my maternity bra. still jiggled!
    and everyone i’ve ever lived with makes fun of me b/c if i’m in my home and not wearing a bra - i hold my breasts in my hands to go up and down stairs. hey - ya gotta do watcha gotta do! lol!

    Comment by megan — 1/20/2005 @ 10:13 am

  22. ROFLMFAOOOOOO! That picture you drew is fucking hilarious! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant stop laughing!!!!!!
    You made my day, my day was shitty, for a slight moment, the nuts of SJ made me laugh. TO this I say thank you sarcastic journalist.

    Comment by Mariposa — 1/20/2005 @ 11:18 am

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