Family Matters

My Grandpa’s 80th birthday is on December 30th. Happy birthday, Grandpa. You old coot.

ANYWAY, this isn’t about my grandpa…crazy as he may be. No, this is about my FAMILY, the people who have to talk to me because, uh, they’re related.

So my sister tells me today that my Aunt M is getting married For The Thrid Time at my Grandpa’s 80th birthday party. I’m all “By that point, don’t you just go to the justice of the peace? Do you really have a wedding?”

On the way home from my sister’s house tonight, I place a call to my Mom The Nurse who tells me that yes, M is getting married on the 30th. Or so she hears.

Anyway my Mom asks me if I know my sister’s secret. I’m like “No. What’s her secret?” My mom alludes to the fact that my sister is pregnant. I think my part of the conversation went like this:

“No freaking shit! Really? I just saw her and hounded her about having another baby and she didn’t say shit to me! She’s pregnant? What?! Why didn’t she tell me?”

And then my Mom says “Well she asked if I was spending the night when I come to Texas in a week and a half.”


That’s it. Turns out, in my family, if you ask someone to spend the night, that is code for “I am pregnant and am going to tell you when you are sitting on my couch.”

I guess Burger King isn’t a good place to tell someone you are pregnant. I tell my Mom I’m going to tell my sister that she is spreading pregnancy rumors. And then I threaten to start my OWN rumor to see how long it takes to get back to me.

So the Hubs and I are trying to decide if we have to go to the wedding. If you go to the wedding, you have to bring a gift. I’m cheap. I need money.

The birthday/wedding/reunion is an all-day open house. My Mom has 7 brothers and sisters, 1 dead and one living in Pennsylvania. So that leaves five eligable sisters to visit. Shit. And out of those five?

I like one.

I’m on a roll. Several of them have spent time in a mental institution. (And before you say that’s why I’m crazy because it is in the family, they are her step-sisters. As in Not Related By Blood.) And….how do I put this nicely? We don’t want the majority of them to hold our baby.

Our cute, disease-free baby.

So we’ve come up with a solution! The Baby will get a magical cold on the day of the birthday party and will have to go to a babysitter because, why, gee Grandpa, we wouldn’t want to get you sick.

Then! Nobody will have to hold my baby and give her cooties and we have an easy out! Now we’ll just have to decide if I should use my camera phone to take renegade photos of the outing.

9 Responses to “Family Matters”

  1. Gweny
    December 19th, 2004 23:57

    Um, yeah. Photos please! I like to know that I’m not the only one with crazy family members.

    …and my husband has an Aunt that is like 80 years old who is “living in sin” with her 80 year old boyfriend. It’s a family scandal. I’m like… they’re 80! Who cares anyway? Does pre-marital sex really matter when you’re 80? Can people even still have sex at 80? Can someone bring me a barf bag because I’ve just made myself sick?

  2. Gretchen
    December 20th, 2004 11:11

    Oh, wouldn’t the sudden onset of your child’s cold mean that you guys really, REALLY need to stay home with her, to cuddle her and ease her through this very painful time in her life? I mean, I know you’re dying to go to this party, but this is your child we’re talking about! (I’m trying to help you out here!) ;)

  3. NinaKaye
    December 20th, 2004 12:20

    Oh god, the part about them not holding you baby reminds me of my husband’s family. We lived in Ohio when I found out I was pregnant. We moved to Texas within 2 months. I vowed that his grandmother would NEVER touch my kid and I meant it. She’s never even seen her other than a couple of pictures…and she’s 2 now. She’s never going to see her either because that crazy ass woman isn’t allowed in my home!! heh Ahh, nothing like family.

  4. LX Robotnik
    December 20th, 2004 14:19

    My feckin’ grandmother (now 94 yrs. old and living in a village in Romania) used to always try to kiss me on the mouth when I was little. Moms and Pops put a quick end to that when I started developing colds, coughs, and just a general malaise towards anything associated with that bloody farm house in that remote, bloody village. One positive, I also developed a wicked right hook which I would deftly use whenever Grandma tried to sneak a little lip-action in.

  5. LX Robotnik
    December 20th, 2004 14:21


  6. LX Robotnik
    December 20th, 2004 14:21

    P.S. what happened to the other entries you made? Why’d ya take them off?

  7. Sarcastic Journalist
    December 20th, 2004 17:33

    I didn’t take the entries off. Just another casualty of moving hosting providers.

  8. frozenmojo
    December 20th, 2004 18:13

    excellent excuse for limiting baby interraction with undesirables, i’m filing that one away for future use. ;-)

  9. Erin
    December 21st, 2004 02:49

    Shameless! (But genius!) I’m learning so much from you–can I steal some of your sneaky tactics? :-)

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