Something awful this way comes

November 21st, 2004

When you have a child, people will ask you questions about how different life is. Sure, you don’t sleep as much and you learn to have little to no personal time and words like “latch” and “poop” become part of your daily vocabulary.

But they don’t tell you about the other stuff. Things like how you can learn to poop in a matter of 2.5 seconds, 2.0 seconds if you’re really in a hurry. They don’t mention that when you go to a store, you will scan the parking lot, looking for a perfect spot that is 1. not surrounded by other cars and 2. near a shopping cart for easy access.

I’ll get a shopping cart for a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread if that means I can push my stinky footed child around with little hassle.

But the biggest thing? The thing they don’t tell you about is the sticking things up the butt part. Yes, we’ve done thermometers, but today, oh today, we’ve entered a whole new world.

A brave new world, if you ask me.

I knew something was up with Ellie when she hadn’t pooped in three days. This child will usually have three ginormous poops, and that is by noon. So when we’d gone three days with barely a wet fart to claim, I knew something was stewing.

I kept mentioning constipation to The Hubs, who kept blowing me off, explaining that “she’s a baby.”

No shit. Is that what she is? I thought she might be a taco or an airplane. But, no, she is a baby. Must. Remember. That.

So she had become incresingly whiny and gripey and I knew, just knew something was wrong. Call it motherly instinct. Call it the fact that all her farts smelled like a dirty gas station bathroom. But I KNEW.

So I go to Target with her today and I’m searching for glycerine suppositories for la nina. Did you know you have to ask the pharmacist for them? I know they have a problem with people stealing one diaper to change their child and leaving the nasty contents in a basket, but do they really have a problem with them stealing suppositories and shoving them up a butt in the store?

“You go get some socks, honey. I’m gonna shove this stolen butt bullet up little Billy’s butt.”

Might I add, that all the while, my child was farting the stinky gas station smelling farts?

So we get home and decide it is time to do the deed. We bring her to the bathroom and try to insert said device. Only problem? It is too long. So I leave the husband to his devices and I go into the living room to talk to my mom, a nurse practitioner, on the phone.

She’s in the middle of telling me to cut it in half when I hear The Hubs screaming for me to come in there. It seems as if these things must work magic. Little did he get it in when it came out.

Accompanied by the Lincoln Logs of poop. Hard greenish poopy logs are hanging out of my child’s butt. So he wipes and tries to put it back in. Every time he does so, more poop comes out!

It’s the doodoo version of the Play Dough Fun Factory!

He’s inserting suppositories, and the poopy flies out! I’m finding this so fascinating that I’m trying to cram into the tiny space with them to get a glimpse. I think The Hubs is ready to kick my ass.

Eventually, Spectacular Pooptacular (the word is a vernacular) ends and the child is happy and poop free. And I can say that I’ve experienced one of the funniest moments of parenthood to date.

Thank you glycerine suppositories. Thank you.

17 Comments

  1. Kat wrote,

    Must…remember…to breathe…

    As a child, I suffered from cronic constipation. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about with the glycerin tablets thing. EXACTLY. When I was 8, my mom made me ask for the tablets myself. I was so embarassed that I forgot to ask for the children’s brand. My mom then made me go back to get said children’s brand, so I was convinced that the pharmacist KNEW that it was I who had problems pooping, and the contents of that box would be shoved up my ass in an hour. After that night, I never had troubles with constipation again.

    Comment on 11/21/2004 @ 6:37 pm

  2. melissa711 wrote,

    SJ, you have not lived until you’ve given your child an enema. Actually you haven’t known horrific emotional death until you’ve given your child an enema.

    Both my kids struggled with constipation. My younger longer than my older but in both cases potty training is what cut the constipation. The older was trained at 2.5 and the younger not until 3.5 so it was one extra year of hell in the form of enemas and suppositories….Hell. Hell. Hell.

    They both poop normally now.

    Something gross I’m about to tell you because it’s Sunday night cocktail hour: I read somewhere a q tip with vaseline on the end….extremely gently…..EXTREMELY GENTLY…..inserted about 1/4 of an inch has a similar to the suppository effect….my poor babies. A hellish couple of years we had with my two children and the poop. Jesus.

    Comment on 11/21/2004 @ 7:50 pm

  3. James wrote,

    This post stinks.

    Comment on 11/21/2004 @ 10:55 pm

  4. Lujza wrote,

    *laughing* so hard….can’t write anything.

    Comment on 11/21/2004 @ 11:00 pm

  5. Antonia wrote,

    A November to remember.

    Comment on 11/21/2004 @ 11:40 pm

  6. Antonia wrote,

    Yeah, I also scan for parking spots with that criteria. A spot with a cart right next to it is so much more valuable now that a spot next to the door, unless there is a spot right next to the door with a cart right next to it. And no spot is even considerable if there is going to be no space on the passenger side once you park in it.

    Comment on 11/21/2004 @ 11:43 pm

  7. Christie Anna wrote,

    Hysterical, very colorful and stink pictures created

    Comment on 11/22/2004 @ 12:10 am

  8. Crystal wrote,

    I’m laughing so hard I’m in tears. Thanks! :)

    Comment on 11/22/2004 @ 2:04 am

  9. Bree wrote,

    Now imagine a similar thing, at the Picture People..not with the suppositories..but with the playdoh fun factory of poo. He was just a few months old, taking pictures, did a clothing change, and changed his diaper…well for one he peed all over me and his clothes..so it became naked picture time, and then I lifted to wipe, and out comes poo..I laughed, lifted..more poo…every time I lifted, more poo came out..I was laughing so hard that Dh stood around and so did the photographer..and we had a good laugh..I seriously lifted almost 10 times with each time more poo..goodness..the things that we find funny… :) Had to do the butt pills a few times too, not fun, thankfully he learned to poop in the vibrating rocking chair on Wednesdays and Sundays.

    Comment on 11/22/2004 @ 3:09 am

  10. Arianne wrote,

    so exciting…la la la la la la la! (gotta keep riding that moulin joke, ya know)

    My first used to have a Poop Day once a week when he was a baby. On that Day it was almost pointless to go out in public or do anything but hose him down. The rest of the week was poo free! Now my second insists on pooping all day every day, though not the quite quantity of Poop Day, still pretty darn inconvenient.

    Comment on 11/22/2004 @ 5:36 am

  11. martha wrote,

    poop… that’s all i’ve got to contribute

    Comment on 11/22/2004 @ 6:54 am

  12. Terri wrote,

    Hilarious! Thank God that I haven’t had to do the thermometer or suppository thing. Thank God.

    Comment on 11/22/2004 @ 11:00 am

  13. Mary wrote,

    That is by far one of the funniest things i have read. I have just two words for you people GRAHAM CRACKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that is when said child has teeth!)

    They have molasses…a natural stool softer and laxative.

    Comment on 11/22/2004 @ 11:10 am

  14. Stacey wrote,

    I can’t breathe!!!!! holy shit!!

    ahahahahhaahahhahahaha………I’m dying. Seriously.

    Comment on 11/22/2004 @ 12:04 pm

  15. Jessica wrote,

    Oh my god…..I’m crying because the mental images are hilarious. :-D

    Comment on 11/22/2004 @ 1:59 pm

  16. pink lotus wrote,

    Awesome post! But you’re frightening me about what I’m in for.

    Comment on 11/22/2004 @ 4:30 pm

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