My inner critic could kick your inner critic’s butt.

I went to the Therapist today, did you know that? Well, I did. And right now my child is laying in her crib, crying, because she needs to take a nap but can’t figure out just how to do so.

I hate making her lay in bed and cry but I have to give her five minutes or else I’ll go nuts. The five minutes of crying makes it easier to get her to sleep.

The fact that my child is crying right now has nothing to do with what I want to say, yet at the same time, it has everything to do with what I want to say.

My “therapist” says that I have an inner critic. I believe that most people have an inner critic, but my inner critic lives in a place deep within my soul and sits in a black director’s chair with a megaphone where she yells “Que critque! Right! Now!”

My inner critic doesn’t take vacations, no, she’s the Type A personality that I’d secretly like to be. While more people want to be more relaxed, I have a secret desire to be So Together that it is scary. But I suck at being together.

Look! I critique everything! I rule!

She tells me I’m fat and that the “I just had a baby” excuse is getting old. She tells me to stop baking so much and to get my butt on a treadmill.

But I like baking!

She tells me that I suck because I pump and Ellie won’t take the boob. She says it’s my fault because I was tired and doped up in the hospital and gave her a bottle and now look! She won’t take the boob even though for awhile we did it a bunch.

It’s my fault she is so stubborn.

My critic has told me that my blog sucks and that I should get rid of it, that everyone hates it and that I’m wasting time I could use to do other stuff. Getting rid of this site has crossed my mind several times, probably because of the “suckiness” factor.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I don’t like my critic. I want to take away her director’s chair, I want to stuff some cookies in her mouth (from my catering business) and tell her to take a break.

I want her to know I’m not going to self-distruct again, that I’m going to be happy, I am going to bake or write if I want to. I’ll blog if I want to and soon I’ll learn to be happy all the time without thinking that I’m a failure.

21 Responses to “My inner critic could kick your inner critic’s butt.”

  1. Robotnik
    November 16th, 2004 16:37

    SJ…no! I bet my critic could kick your critic’s ass. Jesus, are you Robotnik’s female version? Are you? Mine doesn’t have a megaphone, he’s hard wired into my brain and takes over most of the time, driving the people around me away because “negativity rubs off” or something. I don’t know. It may.
    Here’s what MINE says:
    1. You’re a horrible person for not having a career, even though you stay home and take care of your child–STILL, you should bring in the $$.
    2. You’re a failed writer; if you haven’t published by now you never will (this ties into the “supporting the family” rant).
    3. You’re in medical debt because you were too stupid to keep the maternity rider, even though you both tried having Gillian for 2 years–you should’ve known it was going to happen (without drugs or help, no less). Now look at you; it was your decision to drop the insurance–you’ve put your family $20K in the hole.
    4. Which leads into: how is Gillian going to go to college??? Now that you have to pay for her delivery and NICU stay?
    5. Your family would be better off without all your baggage.
    6. Why don’t you just pull a Willie Loman next time you’re in your car, get it overwith.
    blah blah blah blah.
    I need to kill this damn critic.

  2. Kat
    November 16th, 2004 17:00

    Your blog does not suck. I read it every day, religiously, and I think that if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t bother with computers. You are every single kind of smart, and you are funny, seemingly nice, and from what I can tell, a wonderful mother. Keep up the great work:).

  3. Gretchen
    November 16th, 2004 17:30

    I’m placing a gag order on your inner critic, because she is *way* off, my friend. And, honestly, if you shut down your blog, how will I ever manage to procrastinate all day long? If I wasn’t able to check your blog every eighteen minutes, when I just can’t stand editing another crappy sentence, I don’t know what I’d do. So please tell your inner critic that I beg to differ.

  4. sarah
    November 16th, 2004 17:46

    My inner critic is so well buried in my psyche it’s gotten to the stage that I’m too scared to function without it. Functioning with it requires that I sabotage myself so that I never actually truly succeed at anything and maintain my critics mantra that I am, truly a failure. Because if I wasn’t a failure, my critic wouldn’t have a fucking job. I know all this. I know how evil it is. And when I finally dump it,(because I can maintain some sense of hope) it will be like cutting off both my legs…. And you think you’ve got problems?? Heh.

  5. Texas T-bone
    November 16th, 2004 17:49

    I fired my inner critic a long time ago and replaced him with an inner cheerleader named Betty who wants me to block that kick.

  6. Terri
    November 16th, 2004 18:02

    No! You don’t suck. I haven’t blogrolled you yet, because you don’t have a link (and I’m eternally lazy) but I’m blogrolling you right now… because YOU DON’T SUCK!

  7. Lessa
    November 16th, 2004 18:17

    Welcome to motherhood! Seriously - I totally have done this cycle over and over all my life and so on and so forth. Only way I’ve managed to gag the inner editor for a while is to write. I blog, I rant, I write about what a bitch my inner editor is - once i even made her the antagonist in a story on the word of a friend who had done the same thing, naming her InnaBish (inner bitch.) during Nano last yeat.

    And every so often I throw a totally childish temper tantrum and tell everyone to go to hell. That’s always fun. hee. *g*

    Then I eat a can of pringles.

  8. Erin
    November 16th, 2004 18:53

    There is definitely no blog suckage. I too, have you blogrolled and read every day! :)

  9. Bree
    November 16th, 2004 19:46

    Ya, the blogs gotta stay. I read this several times a day :) beauty of cable internet. :) Tell your inner critic to take a hike :)

  10. Very Mom
    November 16th, 2004 19:49

    Are you kidding me? This blog doth not suck. Nor does its writer sucketh. And you rock the freaking house for pumping and giving your adorable baby the good stuff.

    We all have the inner critic - mine is critiquing the hell out of everything because I WANT TO HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER TOO. In the worst way.

  11. Leslie
    November 16th, 2004 20:36

    OMG, I JUST wrote about this on my “other” blog. Holy cow. I saw a therapist today, too, and you know what? I’m still effed up. And the blog? Yea, it said to trash it. Screw ‘em. We can write if we wanna… (and think about how many people you reach that actually understand and are in the same place, as you? More than you know)

  12. Emily
    November 16th, 2004 22:15

    The blog most certainly does NOT suck and neither do you.

    Don’t MAKE me drive down there and go all NC Redneck on you! >:-)

    or something like that. *laughs*

  13. RisibleGirl
    November 16th, 2004 23:11

    OMG, for a while it was registering in my head that your therapist was telling you all this stuff.

    …mommy has had a little too much wine this evening.

    For what it’s worth, your blog is one of my favorites…

  14. Mari
    November 17th, 2004 00:55

    your inner critic and my inner child need to go to hell, cause i like your blog, very much.
    my inner child is always seeking acceptance, and candy, and lots of brownies. omg, this note so sucks!

  15. dazed
    November 17th, 2004 08:40

    Dont diss the shenuts, I love the shenuts, I read the shenuts everyday, dont let the shenuts die!!! Noooooooooooooo!!!

  16. PinkStiletto
    November 17th, 2004 09:43

    I’m with the rest of them. Your blog definitely does not suck, and I for one would be highly disappointed if you went away.

    Actually, I was so astounded by that picture from Craigslist that you linked to, I showed my boyfriend and now he has immense respect for you and your blog. See? New fans all the time.

    Seriously, though, don’t jump ship. Your blog is valued.

  17. Jenny
    November 17th, 2004 13:42

    Damn SJ, I wish I could put you on the fast track to learning that your inner critic is the one with the suckiness. Don’t alot of us want to be more Type A? You aren’t a failure because you aren’t y’know. Try type B+ or even B- :) you aren’t measured by the width of your butt or fact that you pump by anyone who truly matters to you. But your Ellie is only four months old. Four Months. And if you have it all together at this point I’d say you were the exception more than the rule.
    I still wish I could get it all together and be the mom who bakes cookies every month for each of her three children’s classes (plus the office staff because those cookies are just soooo yummy Mrs. O’Meara) and was on the PTO and volunteered in the classes and never forgot the lunch money or the homework or the …. see where I’m going with this? It will carry you away if you let it. Don’t. Your blog is honest, funny and always has a good link of a Marlene Dietrich sandwich (right on Robotnik) or a huge man part. You would be missed.

  18. Antonia
    November 17th, 2004 13:49

    Yeah. In agreement. Not sucking. Woman, you bake and cook and make curtains. What else could anyone want from you? And the blog- the best. Funny, updated constantly. There’s always something to amuse us, even in the comments. It’s all in your head… It’s all in your head.

  19. debutaunt
    November 17th, 2004 13:56

    I’m gonna say it, but your inner critic licks balls.

    Fire her and get a new one.

  20. Mary
    November 18th, 2004 11:28

    Um, I think your critic and my critic should have lunch. That way we both get a break. I actually call my critic my evil twin because she looks like me, except she is thinner and she talks likes me but she is perfect, not like me. Wow. She blames me for getting laid off and for not being thin and for not being able to find a job and what is wrong with the world. My evil twin like to make me think that I am the only one in the world who feels this way. Glad to know she is wrong about something. Hang in there!

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