I don’t want to be myself, anyway.

There is this commercial about Playtex bras (by the way, I don’t think a bra brand and a tampon brand should be the same name, but whatever.) and there’s this cute skinny chick and she’s happy because Playtex now offers bras in half sizes.

And she wants to thank them for letting her be herself.

I don’t care what you think, but this is a country that is suited for the little boobied person. If you’re not little boobied, then you must be “Plus sized” and that is that.

Bras? For little boobies. Try finding one in a big boobie size that is NORMAL. Bathing suit tops? Either you are a B cup (that is the actual size of the boobie, men) or you have a set of Falsies that would make the people on The Swan proud.

Every time I see that commercial, I want to do two things: First, I want to go and kick some little boobied ass and second, I want to cut off my boobies and make them little. Then I’d have to kick my own ass.

Pre-pregnancy, I was 5′5, 133 pounds and a 34DD. I could find shirts to fit, though it was a little hard. Now? Oh great. I have no idea how much I weigh, though I bet it is about 140+ since I have a lumpy stomach that resembles cottage cheese (And stop the hate mail, I’m not saying I’m FAT but saying that I’m fatter and lumpier than I was and I don’t like it.) and my tatas are now like AN E.

E as in Ellie.

And I don’t get to thank anyone for being myself, except for the “Nursing bra” people who have made me an over the shoulder boulder holder that could hold up Mount Saint Helens but doesn’t do a good job holding up my huge rack.

Hello google searches. I said huge rack.

I guess it is just not sexy to have someone with this big of boobies and a lumpy stomach dancing around, being herself on tv. They’d probably pay money for me not to be myself.


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  1. Have you also noticed that Playtex, the makers of bras and tampons also makes baby products? Bottles, sippy cups, etc.? Does this not seem weird to you?

    Comment by Ali — 11/16/2004 @ 11:14 am

  2. *L* I feel your pain. I went into a specialty shop we have here in town that specialized in bras for the “more endowed” woman. Aka - gals in need of over the shoulder boulder holders of extra large sizes.

    How sad is it that even there, they’re biggest bra? WAS TOO SMALL for me. *sob* And they’re all natural and babychewed too. I’ve manytimes threatened to cut one off, divide the other in half so I could wear a ‘normal’ sized bra… *chuckles* E? that was 2 kids ago. We’re talking H here, people. H.


    Comment by Lessa — 11/16/2004 @ 11:19 am

  3. If we’re going to talk about advertising that makes us wish we were anything but ourselves, we’d better reserve at least 48 hours on the old agenda. Advertising is sick, sick, sick, and fuck them all, and may they burn in hell for the blatant torturing and emotional abuse to women world-wide. That’s how I see it anyway. If I had my way, I’d be carryig my kids on my back through the jungles of Africa, slinging my boobs over my shoulders when they get hungry. Those women don’t care if their boobs scraped along the ground like an orangutan’s knuckles when they walk. So fuck some Playtex nearly B not quite C gentle-glide disposable machine washable pretty ladies all wear this crap

    Comment by Antonia — 11/16/2004 @ 12:24 pm


    Comment by Robotnik — 11/16/2004 @ 1:27 pm

  5. I totally sympathize from the other end of the spectrum. It sucks to go bra shopping if you are smaller than a B cup, too. And yes, you do need to wear a bra sometimes if you have small boobies, and you don’t always want one called ’sport’ or ‘junior’. I was a AA pre-pregnancy, and that is hard to find. Now, I am just barely a B, and there aren’t a lot of nursing bras in that size.

    Comment by sarah — 11/16/2004 @ 1:31 pm

  6. Since I am a male, and all this talk of giant breasts is getting me all worked up, I will simply add something to the conversation that helps the aforementioned google searchers: SARCASTIC COOTER HUGE RACK. SARCASTIC BRA RACK HUGE YES!!!!!

    Thank you. All.

    Comment by Dylan — 11/16/2004 @ 3:26 pm

  7. The day my milk came in I measured a 42J. As in A, B, C, D,DD, DDD, E, F, *G*!!! I feel your pain.

    I got all excited when the Lands End catalog came this year because you can buy two piece bathing suits in “plus” sizes (even though I’m a size 10), which meant I could match an XL top with a Med bottoms. Yay, right? Until I realized that their “plus size” bathing suit top was for cup sizes C and D. Whooptyfuckingdo.

    The worst part was all those maternity tops with the little bow that was supposed to sit under your cute, TINY rack. Yeah right.

    Comment by Amanda — 11/16/2004 @ 5:16 pm

  8. That was supposed to say 42G.

    Comment by Amanda — 11/16/2004 @ 5:18 pm

  9. E as in Ellie :) Just don’t name your next baby Gillian, lord knows what might happen.

    Comment by Jenny — 11/17/2004 @ 7:50 am

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