Pencil thin mustache

Everyone has a subject, a topic, hell, perhaps even a word that brings up uncomfortable memories and makes you want to tuck your tail between your legs and run screaming for your happy place.

For me, the word is simple, a word used often to describe the physical features of a person. Mustache.

I shudder even typing the word. I must go find my happy place now.

When I was in the sixth grade, the hair on my upper lip must have started to turn darker because I came up with the idea to shave it.

I pulled out my pink plastic razor and did a little trim on the hairs around the edges of my mouth. There. Better! No more hair!

That is, until it started to grow back. I was laying on my Mom’s lap when she stopped talking, leaned in closer and said “SJ, did you shave your lip?”

“NO!” I screamed in embarrassment. I got embarrassed easily, you see. “I didn’t!”

I knew I had made a mistake. I was going to grow up and be a bearded lady and everyone would laugh at me. I would have chin pubes like my Aunt B, who had so many she definately had to shave every day or she’d grow facial hair like my father.

When I got to seventh grade, my social life began to turn around. I made friends, started wearing clothes that were actually clean, and took showers on a daily basis. Some boys even liked me, even though I didn’t like any of them.

There was a boy in my band class, who now, when I look back was totally dorky, but at the time I thought he was the Bees Knees. That is, if bees have knees.

His name was Jim. Jim came up to me and my friend, C, one night after band practice and said “You two look like twins.”

That was cool to me because I thought C was pretty and she definately looked a lot like Claire Danes though we didn’t know who Claire Danes was at the time.

So we smiled smugly in a total “We’re best friends that look alike” way. That is, I smiled until he finished his sentence. He looked at me and said “Well, except you have a mustache.”

Grow tail. Tuck between legs. Run away, screaming.

Soonafter, I was at the grocery store with my Mom and Stepfather. I said that I needed bleach,which my family was all “Why?” and I got embarrassed, thinking about my mustache.

“It’s for my arms! I need to bleach the hair on my arms!”

I had a feeling that my Mom knew why I wanted the bleach and left it at that, until I later found out that she thought I had excessively hairy arms.

And she let me go around all that time with the mustache and the Amazon Woman Arms.


8 Responses to “Pencil thin mustache”

  1. Robotnik
    November 12th, 2004 14:04

    it would’ve been the bomb if you’d had the Clark Gable pencil-thin moustache.

  2. Auty
    November 12th, 2004 14:16

    I had my Catholic confirmation in the 6th Grade. It would be the first time I wore pantyhose (anyone remember those?). My legs were pretty hairy by that age so on the morning of my confirmation I shaved them for the first time.

    Taking those pantyhose off at the end of the day was quiet painful as I had to peel them off of dried spots of blood all over my legs.

    I’m sure no one noticed. Ya think?

    Plus I wore a turtleneck for a year from the age of 8 until 9 because I thought my neck was too long.

  3. Janna
    November 12th, 2004 15:00

    The cruelty level of seventh-graders is astounding. That was the worst year of my life.

    My word is scalp. Oughsdgjdsfksadjh SHUDDER

  4. Antonia
    November 12th, 2004 15:53

    The phrase “pet-peeve” for some reason just makes me want to smack the mouth it came out of.

  5. Antonia
    November 12th, 2004 17:19

    Oh no. They (Kirsty Alley) have just said “pet-peeve” about a hundred times on Oprah. I have lost all respect. And that was hard-earned respect too.

  6. Antonia
    November 12th, 2004 18:20

    I’m totally lying. There was never any respect there. Now it’s gone into the negative. She totally wanted to bang that make-over guy, and he was totally repulsed. Hahaha!

  7. Jessica
    November 13th, 2004 21:07

    Hehehehe…try living with coarse dark beard hairs (and ugly assed sideburns!) while you’re female. It truly sucks. Thank God for wax, Vaniqa, and tweezers. If not for that, I WOULD be the bearded lady.

  8. Carmen
    November 14th, 2004 01:50

    There was an article in the Guardian last year about how it’s hypocritical to praise the beauty of dark haired women (Catherine Zeta-Jones and Nigella Lawson were cited) and be disgusted by visible facial or body hair. The woman who wrote it was probably blonde.

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