there she goes again

I’m going to be honest here. Last night, as I finally climbed into bed around 11ish, I started crying.

I mean, that’s pretty good for me considering that before the baby came, I cried about every 2.5 seconds. I know that I had good reason to cry– I was pregnant for one thing, which means that all the bad hormones in the world had come and taken over my body and forced me to think sad thoughts at all times.

I also had been fired and knew that I would have to sell my house and having to deal with all those issues plus moving plus insurance plus everything else that comes along in life.

So when I had the baby and the hormones went away, things started to get better. My husband actually came home to someone who wasn’t always crying, though she now behaves as if she just ran a marathon around the house all day while he was gone.

I guess I’ve been so tired that I haven’t wanted to do anything. Dinner? Screw it. Pick up all the clothes that have made their way into every single corner of our tiny apartment? Forget it. As I said earlier, the only thing I cared about doing was taking that shower, which I have still managed to complete on a daily basis.

Perhaps it was the visit to the chiropractor. Perhaps it was the realization that The Sarcastic Journalist is really no longer sarcastic. Damn, I’m not a journalist anymore so being sarcastic was the only thing I had left going for me.

I’ve become that girl who just talks about her baby.

I’m scared to go out in public because there is a good chance that I would lift your leg to check your pants to see if you’re the cause of the smell, or I would try and place you over my shoulder to burp you after dinner.

Not that I mind, because good digestive habits are very important to form. Last night i just wanted a margarita so bad. I wanted something…I don’t even know what it is that I wanted. And no, I don’t want to leave the kid with the husband while I go do something. I want to do something WITH HIM, not by myself.

I guess I’m just tired of being tired. I feel that life has become a constant baby handoff, with me trying to hand her off to the husband for the entire night when he comes home, which really isn’t fair because the dude has been at work all day long and drives an hour each way and he needs a little downtime anyway. He does hold the baby and he does plenty around here, even though I guess it probably doesn’t seem that way when I write about it.

I feel bad about crying or even complaining. I mean, I have this beautiful baby sleeping in a carrier on my lap. I have a wonderful husband. I am back in Texas.

No, i’m not depressed. I don’t have that feeling. I am just TIRED. And I don’t know how to stop it.

12 Comments

  1. It’s a hard adjustment. You’ve already done great and you’ll, in the very least, get used to being tired.

    Comment by Melissa — 8/5/2004 @ 5:41 pm

  2. you know, I can completely sympathize with you. There have been a couple of late nights where I have sat there feeding Grace and just crying because I am so dang tired. I sit there and try to figure out just what the hell have I been doing to make myself so tired. Hello, we both just gave birth and that is a HUGE thing. Our bodies need to recuperate and heal.

    Tell you what, if you promise not to try and burp me, I promise to not try andeat you cheeks or make sure I wipe in all your creases when I try to change your diaper mmkay???? lol

    I am around if you need someone to vent to.

    Comment by Lauren — 8/5/2004 @ 5:44 pm

  3. Hang in there. This is the roughest part. Come 6-8 wks when your baby starts sleeping for more than 2 hrs at a time, the fog will lift and you’ll get some semblance of a life back. I swear.

    Comment by hez — 8/5/2004 @ 6:24 pm

  4. Hang in there….it really does get better! You’ll be smiling again soon!

    Comment by Lujza — 8/5/2004 @ 6:40 pm

  5. I think I remember writing this to you before. Before the baby comes, people tell you you’re going to be tired. You accept that. But you have NO IDEA how tired, until they’re there. There’s a point where you believe it is never going to get any better. And almost right after that time, it gets better. I found weeks 4 & 8 to be monumental. By week 4, it was a little bit better. By 8 weeks, it was A LOT better. You won’t always be this tired. I promise!

    Comment by Linda — 8/5/2004 @ 6:51 pm

  6. Don’t worry about not being the sarcastic journalist because you talk about your daugther. We love to hear those things. Children are such a huge part of life… sarcasm can help you cope with them! hehe. Anyway, hope you feel better.

    Comment by ginger — 8/5/2004 @ 8:58 pm

  7. After I had my son I developed a theory that I like to call “Day 21″. Day 21 for me was the day I finally collapsed in the floor, cried like I was the baby and was convinced I could not do it another minute. It has happened to every new Mom I know. And honestly, it does get better. Trust me, I would have never had a second one if it hadn’t!

    Comment by Laura — 8/6/2004 @ 11:17 am

  8. Everybody is entitled to throw themselves a pity party once in a while.

    Comment by Caitlin — 8/6/2004 @ 1:14 pm

  9. I am having hormone issues from weaning. Hormones suck. Give yourself a break and find some good hugs. You are doing fabu’.

    Comment by jenB — 8/8/2004 @ 2:09 am

  10. That’s just the exhaustion talking. You’ll be back to your sarcastic ways soon enough. Only then you’ll be looking back on these days with tears in your eyes wondering how your baby suddenly became a kid.

    I swear for me it was a weight issue - one the boy hit about 11 lbs, life was good again.

    Comment by Amanda — 8/9/2004 @ 1:42 pm

  11. But SJ! You already bathe like, every day! That is such a huge thing and so much more than some of us do. *raising guilty hand* You do get used to being tired and then it’s not so bad. I promise.
    Jess

    Comment by Very Mom — 8/10/2004 @ 4:01 pm

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