The Manic Pooping Furby

I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to change the name of this site. Of course, I’m not being serious, but for shits and giggles, lets pretend I am.

So, sorry Java Diva, I’m now becoming Mommy Needs Prozac. She also needs a nice strong margarita.

Today, The Sarcastic Journalist goes to a chiropractor. Hilarity ensues.

Yes, I brought the Furby to the chiro with me, figuring that since she is the cause of all the horrible back pain I have been putting up with, that she should be there when someone tries to adjust it so I can sleep without shooting back pain.

She normally sleeps when we go out, from the second we leave until the minute I get home. I mean, she’ll sleep for hours when we’re going to the mall or to a restaurant or to the store.

To the chiropractor? She slept for approximately the car (or truck) ride there.

No more. No less.

Have you ever tried to have your back adjusted while your infant child sits peacefully and screams in her car seat next to you? You haven’t? Oh, you’re missing out! So this is a family practice so this nice Doc comes in and picks up my child to try and calm her down while the other doc feverishly works to adjust my back at lightning speed because these are those types of wails that are embarrassing to be around, especially when they are coming from your child.

And my baby, at that very moment, chooses to shit her pants.

I can smell it across the room, with my face buried on a green pleather type table that is covered with that flimsy paper. We finish up. The Doc, a nice motherly type, suggests I whip out the boobie to try and calm her down.

Ellie bats at it with her hand while screaming into it like it is her own personal nipple microphone. I decoded what she said to it: “You stupid, stupid woman! Don’t you know I shat my pants? Get this moonpie nipple away from my face!”

So I get dressed and we try to leave. She starts screaming again. They pull the table down so I can change her on it. I have visions of that exorcist type poop that she likes to shoot when someone takes off her diaper. I’m imagining their nice tan walls being covered with mustard colored baby crap.

She, luckily, keeps it in. Unfortunately, somehow, my child has managed yet again to poop up the FRONT of her diaper up to her belly button.

How in the hell does one poop upwards???

I bring her to the front, where people in the lobby HAD BEEN TAKING BETS ON HOW OLD THE WAILING CHILD WAS. She continues to scream as I try and pay. Another employee comes out, offers to help me carry her stuff to the car as this child is NOT going to let me put her down.

Not without a fight, anyway.

I thank everyone a zillion times, say I will never be leaving the house again so they need not worry about running into the Maniclly Pissed Furby again and leave.

The second we walk out the door, she stops crying. And hasn’t done so since. WTF???

So, I will be hitting the bottle tonight, if I can find a bottle to hit. I will also start downing all the Vicodin I can with the hopes of drowning out today’s events. Might relax the little kiddo while we’re at it.

In this house, we self medicate.

Oh, and go congratulate Yvonne at Aged and Confused who just brought home a little girl!! Congrats and I hope your she nuts (if you have them) treat you kindly!

4 Responses to “The Manic Pooping Furby”

  1. Lauren
    August 4th, 2004 17:48

    Yeah, don’t you just LOVE it when they do that? Grace has been pretty good so far, so I am just waiting. I know I have one of those outings coming up really soon. Like on Friday, when I take her out for her first pictures…where is that bottle of wine. I should just start drinking now, hell I’ll drink for both of us. =)

  2. Jenn
    August 4th, 2004 19:27

    Why do you think this Mommy Needs Coffee so badly? It’s laced with Xanax! ;-)

    See, already she is making her opinions known. Apparently, the doctor is evil and she felt the need to let you know about it. Look at it this way, eventually they grow up and will just SAY things to embarrass the hell out of you!

  3. Ms. Pants
    August 5th, 2004 14:55

    Mmmmm. Xanax coffee. Sign me up. I’d pay quadruple-Starbucks prices for that shit.

  4. backgammon software
    April 4th, 2005 22:12

    backgammon software
    Suicide is not abominable because God prohibits it; God prohibits it because it is abominable. by backgammon board

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