Archive for January, 2006

Double The Pleasure

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

Today is The Hubs’ 27th birthday and I’m celebrating by sitting on the couch, drinking a “home made margarita” with my boobs.

My boobs, by the way, say hello.

We’ve never been really crazy people when it comes to going out. We didn’t do the club/bar scene in college. We’ve never had much of a nightlife unless you count trips to the ice cream store.

We did go out this afternoon for pizza. Not all four of us, Version 1.0 had to go to my Mom’s house because I actually wanted to enjoy my husband’s birthday dinner.

Happy birthday, honey! Let’s use a coupon!

Having two hasn’t been very hard so far, most likely because The Hubs is home from work and Sam is still …

The Fun Keeps Coming

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

For the most part, I do not enjoy the talk of the “breastfeeding.” In fact, I do not like the talk of the breast as long as the word “breast” is used.

I prefer the talk of the “boob” or the “tit,” such as tonight, when I mumbled in front of my grandmother that “My tits hurt.”

And yes, it is true. My tits do hurt. Not just hurt, but feel like they’re constantly being electrocuted. I also have cracked nipples that stick to my bra. Why? Because of this weekend’s fun: Engorgement 2006!

Nobody should ever have size F boobs. Nobody. There’s something sick and wrong when you lay on your back and your girls face towards the sky like two silos. …

How Version 2.0 Was Created

Sunday, January 29th, 2006

I am back, in case you didn’t notice I was gone. And now? I have even BIGGER boobs, which suck, and um, another kid.


I woke up at 6:30 on Tuesday morning with “stomach pains.” Okay, it was cramping. I didn’t think that I’d die or anything but they bothered me enough that I couldn’t sleep. So I lay in bed, staring at the wall, thinking “Hmm. I wonder if this is labor.”

Of course I didn’t think it was labor because, remember, I am not the type of person that has babies early. I am the type of person that gestates babies for 58 weeks and then has them pulled out by force. Early birthing is …

Version 2.0

Thursday, January 26th, 2006

As many of you already know, Sam was born on Tuesday, Jan. 24 at 9:50 p.m. Weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces and was 20 inches long. Came EARLY at 38 weeks and boy I’m happy not to be pregnant anymore.

I just got home so I haven’t read any emails yet, but thanks for all the nice things I saw in the comments.

Edited to add: His first middle name is “Noe” after my grandpa. You pronounce it “No-E.”


Monday, January 23rd, 2006

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching TV and reading magazines, it is that rich people are so insightful.

Take The Oprah Magazine, for example. (Not that I read it, and if I do, well you can’t prove it.) There’s always a section where Oprah shares her fabulous wisdom with us little people. Each month, I, I mean, the reader, gets to read something like “You could be a poor slave living in a mud hut, eating worms for dinner, but as long as you have your self worth and a book, that’s all you need.”

I have a feeling said worm eating slave might differ.

Rich people are always giving out insights into their life like that, like my knowing that …

You have ruined me and for that, I am thankful.

Sunday, January 22nd, 2006

It is seven p.m., and The Hubs and I sit inside an empty pizza parlor. I’m wearing a “fancy” black top with a flowered skirt and he wears his new cords.

“Are you using those witch hazel pads when you go to the bathroom,” he asks as the rain pours down outside. It is a rare night out, Ellie is at my Mom’s house and we’re using the hour to eat dinner without anyone screaming at the table.

“Well, you know, you see, yeah, sometime.”

“You’re not using them?”

“I use them if I have hemorrhoids but not all the time. But– get this– today, I’m sitting on the bed and all of a sudden I think that I have The Rhoids again. So, …

The Sweetest Thing

Saturday, January 21st, 2006

Tonight, while I waited for my Unisom to kick in, Ellie woke up from her sleep, screaming. After laying her in our bed, I quited her down by singing Elton John songs.

Soon, she fell asleep and I found myself laying there, my toddler’s head touching mine. Then, slowly, her little hand reached up and placed itself on my cheek.

That, my friends, is why I do this. For those moments when I find myself basking in her sweetness.

Oddly enough, the majority of those moments come while she is asleep, but I’ll take what I can get.

The Post You All Knew Was Coming But Hoped It Wouldn’t…

Thursday, January 19th, 2006

I have a feeling that my husband has a few favorite parts of his day. The first part would be my phone call to him at work, usually somewhere between 11 and 2, where I update him on events as they happen.

Him: “How are you? What are you doing?”
Me: “Fine. Bored. Ellie is trying to kill me.”
Him: “Oh…”
Me: “Um, do you think you can leave and come home? Because I am tired and she’s being mean and she hates me.”
Him: “I can’t. I’ll be home later.”
Me: “Fine. You hate me. I see how it is. Have fun AT WORK. Where you talk to OTHER PEOPLE.”

Then, when he comes home at 5, and I act all Scarlett O’Hara like and …

You Don’t Want No Drama

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

We haven’t been exactly strict when it comes to filming Miss E’s childhood. You see, we bought a video camera before she was born so we could film all the happy moments of her childhood to show 20/20 when they came knocking on our door after our child’s tellall book about her horrible family.

Then, the night I went into labor, the camera broke. Then, the good people at Best Buy lost all the video inside the camera, which included nine months worth of me bitching and moaning about how I hated being pregnant.

Luckily, I still have all the archives on this site to remember that.

So basically, the filming of our child has been sporadic, at best. Luckily, she seems very …

They’re Just Not That Into You

Tuesday, January 17th, 2006

I met up with the fabulous Paige this past weekend for Pie. Somehow during the phone conversations leading up to the meeting, Miss Domestic herself mentioned how she planned on heading to the circle jerk known as BlogHer. She thought that maybe I wanted to go.

I’ll tell you what, it does sound kind of fun to meet up for a weekend with all the ladies that I read on the internet. We could drink, go out to eat and act silly. But, going to a conference? About BLOGGING?

Perhaps I’m just not that into it, but why would I want to confer on blogging? There’s nothing I really want to learn that much. I mean, if anything, I want to talk …

Snip Snap To It

Monday, January 16th, 2006

While exiting the doctor’s office the other day, I heard the nurse trying to explain to a woman on the phone how to put “The Ring” in. I heard her saying that she’s never heard of “The Ring” falling out.

I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say yes, “The Ring” can fall out and I’m proof. I do not know why I keep using quotations. I guess it is fun.

From the conversations I’ve had with other gals, they seem to think I enjoy throwing caution to the wind and not dealing with birth control. It is not that at all. The problem is that Birth Control Doesn’t Like Me.

I spent way too much time shoving my hand down …

Birth Control for the Masses

Sunday, January 15th, 2006

When I was a little girl, I had the notion of having lots and lots of kids. Seven, to be exact. They’d all have names like “Tabitha” and “Candace” and we’d all live happily ever after, just like the family in The Sound of Music– minus the Nazis.

Then I saw “The Miracle of Life” video in 7th grade health class and started making plans to adopt a little herd of children because no way was that stuff going to come out my coochie.

I remember, very distinctly, a lot of green stuff coming out after the baby. I can only hope that I don’t have green stuff in there right now. What is the green stuff? Snot? Ectoplasm? Leftover baby batter?

I …

A Million Pieces

Thursday, January 12th, 2006

Children are innately curious beings. That’s why they put dog food in their mouths or have the need to stop at every pine cone on the ground and touch it.

I get it. I try to encourage curosity to an extent, well, to the point that she’s not going to choke on any rocks, because I hope it encourages creativity and learning. Also, curosity in rocks is a heck of a lot cheaper than anything they sell at Toys R Us.

We’re all about the learnin’ in this house, Internet.

I also know that when left to their own devices, that The Little People will come up with creative ways to entertain themselves. While I’m sure it is okay to finger paint …

Why You Don’t Give Your Number Out, Part 100

Thursday, January 12th, 2006

Turns out, Debbie does a lot of things.

You see, she helped come up with the idea of an online baby shower. I scoffed at the idea, saying “Um, no.” But then? That Debbie has my phone number. And she likes to call it. A bunch. So finally, I gave in and said “Fine.”

So, Debbie wants me to put this little message up on my site just the way she wrote it, so I’m doing it for her. Why? Because she dressed my child for me this morning and well, that’s just pretty darn cool and nice of her.

You are Invited to a Blogging Baby Shower!

We are hosting an online baby shower for the Sarcastic Journalist and Little Jizzy. Your …

Good Enough?

Wednesday, January 11th, 2006

It starts before you even leave the hospital: Did I really try hard enough to breastfeed? Is pumping alone good enough? Maybe I shouldn’t have asked for my epidural to be “topped off” because are babies really supposed to sleep that much?

Overall, I consider myself a Good Parent. I praise my child when she does something right, try to keep my temper under control and offer gentle discipline when she’s being naughty. Sometimes I do have that “Mother Guilt” that one will never understand until she has her own.

I don’t know if what I’m experiencing today is “Mother Guilt” or just a case of Am I Good Enough?

It never really crossed my mind not to share things with the Internet …


Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it usually takes a lot to embarrass me. I think it is because I realize a lot of things are out of my control and that we humans are rather flawed and funny.

I’ll admit it, I’m embarrassed. For one thing, I’m embarrassed about my sciatia. Why? Well, for starters, I’m unable to walk. Well, I can walk, but it is very slow, very deliberate and with a very large limp.

The word here is “very.”

Add that to my very large belly and I’m quite the sight in public. I can’t go anywhere. The grocery store? Nope. Besides the fact that it would take two years for me to get a carton of …

Next up, Hangman!

Monday, January 9th, 2006

We like to play a game over here in Chez Sarcastic Journalist. It is kind of like Russian Roulette: It is stupid to play, there’s a good chance you’re going to die and well, nobody wins.

I like to call it “How Ellie will react once Little Jizzy comes along.”

For those not in the know, it is pretty much impossible to guess how a 17/18-month-old child will react to anything. Take going to the dentist, for example. I was sure the dentist would come away with a few missing fingers. Instead, my child laid in her lap, mouth open, and let the dentist clean her teeth.

The entire time I’m like “Who IS this child?”

Then, on another day, people will come over …

Do the meatgrinder!

Sunday, January 8th, 2006

It often surprises me that I’m not down on all fours, begging for this baby to come out. I’m 36 weeks pregnant and by this time with Miss E, I would have shone a flashlight on my crotch while screaming “Go towards the light!” if I thought it would have helped.

The only reason I ever want to go into labor right now is because my back/hip/leg is/are in pain. I’ve mentioned it before and I enjoy mentioning it over and over but basically, I have completely and totally screwed up my sciatic nerve. Before I continue on, that means I am pretty much unable to walk like a normal person. I’m not the type of pregnant woman that waddles. Compared …

Babies In Toyland

Thursday, January 5th, 2006

I always considered myself a minimalist when it came to babies and kiddos. Well, before I had Ellie, I think I said things such as “Toys? Who needs toys?” and “The only thing my baby needs is my love and a little imagination.”

Let me tell you this, a little imagination does not fill 24 hours in a day. A little imagination also does not let you go #2 on your own.

Next thing I know, I have a house full of borrowed baby equipment: A playmat and a bouncy seat and some thing that babies bat at to keep themselves occupied.

Overall, we’ve been pretty good about not buying too much “stuff” for our daughter. Why would we when we have …

everything I learned About Hypnotizing Myself, I learned on the Internet

Wednesday, January 4th, 2006

After weeks of walking around bags and boxes, I finally started to unpack Little Jizzy’s clothes. You see, I peed on a stick and then a rabbit died and all the suns and moons and stars worked together and said “By golly, I think you’re with child!”

Then they told me that child would be born in February. I laughed, because I like to hold in babies for a long time so we all realize that means the baby will come sometime in May.

Even though I don’t believe I’ll have a baby anytime soon, I realize that you know, I have to get things together Just In Case. (For those of you playing along at home, that means I do not …

A Fairy Tale

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006

Once upon a time, in a land very far, far away, I used to be fun.

No, not really. I don’t know if I ever consider myself “fun” because I’m kind of grumpy and I have a lot of opinions and a lot of people don’t think of hanging out with grumpy, opinionated people as “fun.”

That’s why I have a website! I can be as grumpy and opinionated as I want and nobody has to hang out with me except for the people googling “My husband makes me do deep throat.”

Um, hello? Nobody can MAKE you do anything! See? There I go with opinions again.

In case you didn’t know, I once had a kid. Let me tell you, Internet, nothing makes …


Sunday, January 1st, 2006

When I was a little girl, I prided myself on being a “reader.” I guess its not really hard when all you read is The Ramona Quimby books and The Babysitters Club books.

By the way, at one point I started my own Babysitters Club. I was the only member and didn’t have any clients! I did, however, make my own poster. It was pretty darn neat, if I say so myself.

By the time I got to high school, I had pretty much stopped reading for fun. Who had the time to read “for fun” when you could be throwing toilet paper into trees or filling up condoms with shaving cream? Ditto with college except replace throwing toilet paper into …

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