Archive for December, 2005

Pickle Me Tender

Thursday, December 29th, 2005

It seems like every other day, some wise person is telling me what to say or not to say in front of my child.

“Don’t say ‘No!’ She’ll catch on and then one day, she’ll yell no at you all the time.”

Guess what? I said “Don’t” instead of “no” and haha, she says that, instead. It doesn’t matter what one says, your child will pick up on its connotations.

I could yell “PICKLE” every time my child did something “naughty” but then I’d have a 17-month-old child running around, yelling Pickle at people.

I can understand some things such as not letting your toothless child gum on your nose because one day that child will grow fangs and bite your nose …

Community College Dropout

Wednesday, December 28th, 2005

How did Einstein ever get to be so smart? How did Bill Gates ever make so much money? I mean, if you listen to the “experts” out there, they should be stupid because they weren’t nurtured en utero by their mothers.

What? Your child isn’t listening to an educational CD before she is born? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Don’t you realize that you’re missing important time in teaching your child?

Come on, it is not like they have anything to do in the womb, you know, besides FORMING INTO A HUMAN BEING THAT CAN SURVIVE ON ITS OWN.

No, your baby needs to learn. Think about it: By the time your baby is born, it has missed out on NINE MONTHS …

I got your Gauntlet right here, biotch.

Tuesday, December 27th, 2005

There are two typs of people in this world: Those who don’t really watch that much TV and those of us who must have it on at all times. Okay, well The Amish too, but they don’t count.

In case you couldn’t figure out, I must have the TV on at all times.

Since we are po’, we don’t have magical things such as TIVO/DVR, digital cable or satellite. We just have plain old cheap cable, which, in case you didn’t know, doesn’t come with an up to date “guide.”

That means I have to flip through the channels to decide what I want. So stone age, isn’t it? (Heck, it beats the rabbit ears we had for awhile, so I’m not complaining.)

I …

Now Accepting Applications

Monday, December 26th, 2005

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I always enjoy getting to hang with the people who ‘Knew me when.” You know, the friends from high school who ask about that “web site” and the ones that still refer to you with your maiden name?

The girls that saw you in the community shower several smaller bra sizes ago, the ones whose parents you knew as well as your own?

My high school friends invited me to a Christmas party on Friday night. Eager to get out with all my single gals, I happily obliged. Of course, I brought Ellie and The Hubs for ten minutes so everyone could see her vast array of vocabulary, including the words “Don’t” and …

The One Where She Gains 100 Pounds

Thursday, December 22nd, 2005

I have a confession to make, Internet. I only eat food that has butter in it. I know. I KNOW. I’m the type of person that normally would say “You’re eating WHAT?” and have been known to mutter that some people should change their diets to control some medical issues going on.

But? These people aren’t pregnant. They also aren’t master bakers.

They aren’t master bakers with a large assortment of butters, sugars and chocolate on hand. They don’t have the world’s best recipe book.

I informed The Hubs that we needed to make a trip to the store to “get a few things.” I didn’t really want to tell him what because it’s kind of like a compulsive shopper saying she’s …

Strange Days Are Among Us

Wednesday, December 21st, 2005

It may come as a surprise to some of you, but I was a strange little kid. For starters, I rode the “short bus” to school for a little while. Some of the kids in my class would later grow up to wear helmets all the time.

Like many little girls, I had a variety of toys at my disposal: Barbie, My Little Pony, Legos. What did I play with?

Fingernail polish bottles.

I remember, very distinctly, taking all of my mom’s fingernail polish bottles and lining them up on her dresser. Oftentimes I would re-enact scenes from Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood. I had a very active imagination, which was good because Nobody Wanted to Play With The Girl That Looked Like a …

List Mania

Tuesday, December 20th, 2005

You know you are the parent of a toddler when…

1. A good night is when nobody poops in the tub.
2. You clap anytime someone goes potty.
3. You have your own ratings system for the consistency of poop.
4. The most important thing in the bathroom is the rubber duckie.
5. You have had to say “Do not hit mommy in the face with the hammer.”
6. You often find yourself making lists of things that your child should not put in her vagina.
7. You can poop (from pulling pants down to flushing) in two seconds flat.
8. Your favorite topic of conversation is poop.
9. Super Nanny is a real superhero to you.
10. You’ve grown accustomed to watching tv with the “Closed Captioning” on so …

Don’t miss out!

Monday, December 19th, 2005

Monday! Monday! Monday!

Come one, come all, come see the “No Nap Extravaganza!” brought to you in surround sound thanks to your friends at No-Doz!

In one corner, we have Ellie “No Sleep” Journalist, coming in at a whopping 25 pounds and 32 inches tall.

In the other corner, we have The Sarcastic Journalist, coming in at a weight she’s not disclosing and 5′5 tall.

Come and see the match to end all matches, folks. Ellie “No Sleep” Journalist has 17 months of nap-avoiding down and she’s not giving up until she’s had an hour of Teletubbies. The Sarcastic Journalist, on the other hand, is tired, pregnant and really just wants to eat cookies.

Will Ellie ever take a nap? Will SJ ever …

Consumerism at its best!

Sunday, December 18th, 2005

For Immediate Release:

Contact: Sarcastic Journalist, PR Yo Mama Games.

So long Barbie and GI Joe! The hottest Christmas items this year are getting real. Fueled by the popular “reality TV” craze of the past few years, Yo Mama Games is unveiling a new line of games just in time for the “Holiday” season!

For the cousin that has too many “Baby Mamas” in his life…Vasectomy, the game! Snip too close and you’ll see the ghost!

Has Grandma still not figured out what makes Cousin Lou so “different?” How about Guess Who…is gay? Children of all ages will love figuring out if Uncle Bob really should join the seminary after all these years.

So, Mom has a problem? A drinking problem? Nothing says “Get help …

Decemberitis

Friday, December 16th, 2005

I don’t like to depend on other people very much. I guess, I’ve learned in the past that if I want something done, I should do it myself. I think that was one of my major complaints when I worked at the newspaper: I spent a lot of time waiting for people to call or email me and I HATED it.

I never really understood why people got so frustrated during the holidays. I mean, I could get “Ugg, I have to buy this gift and that gift,” but I understand now.

If you know anything about Christmas shopping, it is that if you have to go out, you should go on a weekday during the DAY. Going on the weekend? …

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, please don’t assume you aren’t having duck for dinner.

Thursday, December 15th, 2005

I recieved a call yesterday, from the doctor’s office. At the time I answered, I was a little frazzled and not really paying attention to what the lady on the phone said. Basically, I heard the word “infection.”

“Do I have an infection?”

The lady sounded distracted, told me “no” then placed me on hold. Okay. If I didn’t have an infection, why did I hear the word “infection?”

Once she returned on the line I asked her to repeat herself. Basically, from what I got out of the conversation, I had peed in a cup and the pee said that I had 10,000+ of something and did it hurt when I peed?

Um, well, it doesn’t burn to pee but I do …

Fight for your right to Potty!

Wednesday, December 14th, 2005

Not long after I found out I was with child for a second time, we decided to buy a potty for Miss E. I didn’t really expect to you know, potty train her but figured we’d introduce the potty as our little friend that sits in the bathroom.

“Hey look! It’s Mr. Potty! How are YOU today, Mr. Potty? Wouldn’t you like some poopoo in your little potty mouth?”

Ellie would then look at me and say “Sorry, woman. I crap in my pants. I’m not crapping on that thing.”

I figured that well, she’s still young and I’m not going to push the poop in the potty issue on her yet. If anything, having it around would get her used to the …

Scrotumlicious

Tuesday, December 13th, 2005

Every time we go in for an ultrasound, the person asks us if we are having a boy or girl. “Boy,” we always reply. In fact, I don’t think anyone has ever been as sure as we are that we are having, in fact, a boy.

The doctor did the ultrasound today and guess what? It is still a boy. How do we know? All the child wants to show are his nuts. His twig and giggle berries. The scrotum.

He seems to be very proud of the old appendage.

Most people have a variety of ultrasound scans that show feet, hands and usually, a profile shot or two. Us? Well, I could fill a book with my child’s weiner.

“Here’s Jizzy’s weiner …

More fun than a ball of twine!

Monday, December 12th, 2005

It is not unusual for me to check the voicemail on my phone and it will tell me “You have 12 new messages.” On one hand, I often do not know if my phone has kicked to voice mail and find out weeks later (it doesn’t like to inform me of new messages), and on the other, I often do not answer.

Why? Because we only have cell phones (no need for land line) and I can’t talk on the phone during the day or I will use up all my “daytime” minutes.

Actual contact with humans, though desired, has fallen by the wayside. What has replaced this, you ask?

NESTING. NESTING. CRAFTS. NESTING. CRAFTS. HOLIDAY PROJECTS.

Internet, I am so damn crafty …

The View From the Stirrups

Sunday, December 11th, 2005

I stood in the bathroom at 8:20 Friday morning, debating if I should shave or not. You see, I would head to the OB’s office that afternoon, a new, different OB, and the thought of keeping the hedge and the legs in shape did cross my mind.

I figured I didn’t have to worry; at 31.5 weeks, who would be doing any form of internal exams?

I arrived at the office and found myself in the exam room. The doctor came in and made the normal doctor chitchat. Herpes? Genetic mutations? Kleptomania?

Next thing I know, two words came out of her mouth, two words that any woman hates to hear. “Internal exam.”

HUH? What? Excuse me? I even at one point told …

Little Pitchers Have Big Ears

Thursday, December 8th, 2005

There is one big discrepancy between “SJ Online” and “SJ Offline.” I am going to point this discrepancy out, but most of you probably haven’t noticed. I try to keep my language pretty clean online. Why? Well, first off, I can find better words to use other than the “Fbomb” and second, trust me on this one, you never know who is reading.

So while great great granny gets to read weekly talks of my twat (haha) I will not drop the f-word on here for her. I save that for real life.

In real life, I curse like a drunken sailor. You might as well put me in a bar with a bunch of seafarin’ lads chugging back Jack Daniels because …

Mommy Guilt

Wednesday, December 7th, 2005

The first time I felt “Mother Guilt” was shortly after Ellie was born. I think it was that night, when, in desperation to get some sleep, I sent her off to the nursery. I remember thinking “what have I done? How could I send that baby off like that? She’s so little.”

I still believe that they chased her around with monster puppets in there and told her there wasn’t a Santa Claus.

I think, overall, I have kept the majority of my “Mother Guilt” in check during these past 16 months. Yes, I have my moments where I want to kick myself for not being Super Mom but really, I don’t want to be Super Mom.

I just want to be …

You will never think of playhouse disney the same way again.

Tuesday, December 6th, 2005

It took a little time, but I’ve become an avid fan of TLC’s “What Not to Wear.” I’m even considering buying their book (yes, there is a book) with a gift card I have. I can’t help it. I’m addicted.

The deal is, I’ll watch this show and the “victims” will say “I watch your show all the time!” yet they do not change how they dress.

Today, I left the house in pajamas. Not any pajamas, but a two piece pink button-down set with very large coffee cups printed all over. I am pretty sure that is against all “rules” that they have.

Sure, I could have put on my jeans and a shirt to bring my husband his lunch at work. …

You asked. I answer.

Tuesday, December 6th, 2005

Okay, about two or three of you seem to want to know why I am choosing to cloth diaper. Since that is more than just one person and ha, I just LURVE talking about myself and poop, well, here goes.

For those of you that don’t care, you can stop reading now. Seriously. But, there is talk of poop! I love poop!

Before I had Ellie, I thought about using cloth diapers. I didn’t at the time because ha, I was going to be a new mom and I was already so stressed and jittery and pretty much downright Evil, I decided just to stick to disposables.

So, eventually, I decided that I would try to CD Little Jizzy. For those of …

Sweet Hell, Thy Name is Ebay

Monday, December 5th, 2005

Although I don’t consider myself a “shopper,” I don’t mind going out to the mall during the holiday season to find gifts. There’s something about finding the perfect gift in the midst of a thousand other people, all trying to spread a little “Holiday Cheer” while handing over our Visa Cards.

This year, it is different. I don’t want to leave the house. I assume it is because I have a 16-month-old that screams “Don’t!” and doesn’t like to sit in her stroller. I also assume it is because I am 31 weeks pregnant.

I am now an official internet shopper.

Yes, I bought a coffeepot on Drugstore dot com. I also managed to get free shipping, even though my item didn’t …

Rose Colored Glasses Sometimes Break

Sunday, December 4th, 2005

Most parents (I hope) think that their child is the most beautiful, wonderful thing on the face of the Earth. The poop! Oh, the poop is so beautiful! Haven’t you ever smelled anything so wonderful? The consistency! Ahh, it is just like mustard! Don’t you just LOVE mustard?

Actually, I hate mustard if you must know the truth.

When my child was born, I felt confused. I imagined that an itty bitty Gerber baby would come popping out, wearing a pink onesie and matching booties. I was in a drug-induced fog when Miss E came into the world but I remember saying two things. “She looks Asian” and “Where’s the placenta?”

It didn’t take long, but I fell in love with that …

She probably thinks of Bush’s bush, too.

Thursday, December 1st, 2005

If you ever want to have a good laugh, you should read the “mailbag” section of your favorite magazine. I personally find People Magazine to have a good “mailbag” section because some of the crazies come out and figure out how to put pen to paper and place it in an envelope. Trust me, when the crazies figure out how to communicate with the outside world, man, it is good stuff.

I bring to you today’s favorite letter from Mrs. WC Felder in Florence, Alabama.

First off, who refers to herself as “Mrs. Insert Husband’s Name Here?” Hi, I’m not The Sarcastic Journalist. My real name is “Mrs. The Hubs.”

Uh, I have my own identity and don’t need to hide behind …


My Flickr photos.